Many of us have the following questions:
How am I going to deal with my husband when I see that he is acting out by finding stuff on the computer or catching him in the act?
What should I ask, say or do?!
Here are four answers that I suggest:
1)The green book says: "Knowing we are adult and we have choices". How I am dealing with it?! Before, I was all about acting rather then responding. Acting like a child and not like an adult, like not getting what I want RIGHT NOW and then throwing a fit, screaming, calling names, hitting, yelling, denigrating, putting down, threatening, pulling away. In short, I was in the "terrible two's" in the body of adult (that's not to say you are not feeling sad, angry, disappointed, scared and more). Now we are adults and have choices. As an adult, I can come forward and say that I saw something that makes me feel scared, unsafe, hurt and feel the damage to our marriage. The last thing I need to do is give a speech (remember, we don't need to be a Rebitzen, a policeman or a watch dog). Tell him that you know he has the strength to overcome whatever Hashem is sending his way, that doing what he is doing is not acceptable at home and that if and when he is ready to talk about it, you are here for him.
2) Daven for him.
3) Call a friend to talk about it. If you cannot reach anyone, send me, your sponsor or your friend an email sharing what happened.
4) Stay with the "self care" structure that you have (write, walk, talk and ask yourself: What do I feel? What do I want? What do I think?).
Here I am laying out for you the three areas that you need to focus on:
- Me and my relationship with myself
- Me and my relationship with others
- Me and my relationship with Hashem.
To learn more about these strategies - and much more, join Miriam's phone conference for spouses.