Yerachmiel is holding a deep discussion with the Rosh Yeshiva in preparation for his upcoming marriage. The topic on hand is; How can Yerachmiel be sure that the relationship he is building with his bride will not be affected by his addiction and his past memories and experiences.
The Rosh Yeshiva continues...
"Now let me ask you a question, Yerachmiel: Did you ever think it would be nice if you had a new, state-of-the-art car?"
"Sure, I wish!", answered Yerachmiel. "I hope that in the near future I'll be able to allow myself to by a nice car".
"I hope you succeed', I wished him, and added: "and what would you say to a state-of-the-art space-craft, like the United States has, or like other countries have built, that could take you and your bride to the moon and back, or just cruise through space whenever you felt like it?"
"Right!", answered Yerachmiel sarcastically, "I'm not some little kid that has totally unrealistic fantasies".
"In other words, you are basically claiming that we only desire that which we know we have some chance of attaining, but things we know we have no chance in the world of having, we don't covet."
"Right Rebbe, this is self-understood", answered Yerachmiel.
"Well, you have just explained the Even Ezra (Shemos 20:14) that asks: How could Hakadosh Baruch Hu command us in the 10 commandments: 'Thou shall not covet another man's wife'? It would seem that this is something out of our control! If we go in the street and see a woman, especially if she is pretty and attractive, how can we cause ourselves not to covet her? It's against the laws of human nature - which were designed to bring about an attraction between a man and a woman. It would seem to make a lot more sense if the Torah simply commanded us not to actually be with someone else's wife. And even this would be hard enough to fulfill, since the lust inside us sometimes threatens to overcome us; but at least on our actions we can try to maintain control. And yet, the Torah commands us straight out: 'Thou shall not covet', which means: Do not even desire it even in your heart! Is this at all possible?"
"To answer this question the Even Ezra brings a parable: The king of the land has a beautiful daughter, and whoever sees her is captivated by her beauty. A simple villager is going along his way when the princess's entourage passes him by and he catches a glimpse of her. Will he covet her in his heart? Or would he even seek another woman of her caliber to be his wife? The answer is clear: If the villager is not crazy, it is clear to him as the mid-day sun that the King's daughter can never be his, and he will therefore not desire her at all. It's only natural for him to desire that which he knows he has some chance of attaining, if even the smallest."
"The Holy Torah is teaching us here an important lesson in human nature: The moment we internalize that something is not relevant to us whatsoever, and it will never have a relevance to us in the future either, automatically we won't desire it. But if everything is an open possibility in our mind, when we don't differentiate clearly between what is relevant to us and what is not, when we think we could get anything - if only we tried hard enough to attain it, then we don't have even the smallest chance that we won't covet these things in our hearts."
"So now, let's return your original question. You asked if the many sexual encounters and experiences of your past will effect the relationship that you are building now with your future wife. The answer is simple: As long as the common denominator that you created in your mind is open wide enough to include almost every woman as a relevant option to fulfilling your sexual desires - as unlikely as it may be, but still a realistic possibility to you - then it will indeed be difficult for you to stay true to your wife in the long term. But if you are able to internalize in your mind, in a manner that leaves no two ways about it, that of all the women in the world, only your wife is permitted to you and you have no other possibilities - not even the smallest of the small - to be with a woman other than your wife, then automatically you won't covet any other woman, not even in your heart.
"And I'll bring you a proof to this idea from the blessings that we will say soon under your Chuppah, be'ezrat Hashem. One of the brachos says as follows: 'Blessed are you Hashem... who forbade the non-married to us, and who permitted the married to us through Chuppah and Kiddushin'. It seems that there is unnecessary repetition in this blessing. Why isn't it enough just to say 'who permitted the married to us through Chuppah and Kiddushin?' What is the point of specifying in the blessing also that which he forbade to us?"
"I think I know the answer", called out Yerachmiel. "Just like the Rav is saying, that it is only if we know without any doubt that all other women in the world are forbidden to us, that we can truly connect properly with the one woman who is permitted to us."
"Exactly!", I smiled in pleasure.