I didn't expect this question. It caught me completely off guard. How, Ribbono Shel Olam, can I try to convince my dear student Yerachmiel that this is possible, when I myself find it difficult? After all, I deal with this particular problem each day with my wife at home! I recalled the difficult discussion that I had just had with my sponsor on this very matter only a few weeks ago. This is perhaps the most difficult issue that I deal with since I started my own journey to recovery last year. How can I talk about this with Yerachmiel?!
I didn't have much time to think about it, because Yerachmiel arrived in my office.
"Did the Rosh Yeshiva get a chance yet to read what I wrote to him?" he asked restlessly, while taking a seat and attempting to hide his anxiety.
"Yes, I read it. The question is excellent, as usual. It's truly not a simple matter, and the question again shows how much you understood the issues we discussed yesterday. But with your permission, before I address the question," - suddenly Hashem put words in my mouth - "let me preface with an introduction".
"As you surely know, there are two types of pleasures: physical pleasures, which include all the bodily pleasures such as eating, marital relations and others, and then there are spiritual pleasures like Love or learning. These two types of pleasures have completely opposite characteristics. The basic characterization of physical pleasures is, that at first the pleasure is very strong but the more we have it, the weaker the strength of the pleasure becomes. For example, if the Yeshiva's cook would prepare pizza for supper, I assume everyone would be very happy and the pizza would be delicious for everyone. But what do you think would happen if the cook made pizza every night?"
"We'd get sick of it", smiled Yerachmiel.
"Right", I said. "And if the cook still insisted to make Pizza for a week straight?"
"I would suggest that he at least use a different topping every day", answered Yerachmiel.
"Now let's think about spiritual pleasures. Let's take, for example, learning a sugya in Gemara. When do you have more pleasure from the sugya, the first time you learn it, or after a few times - when you are already proficient in it and are able to answer a question or say a good s'vara? The truth is, you in particular, Yerachmiel, are a good example of this. I've observed you a lot in the Shiur Klali, which - by then - you've already prepared the sugya well and know it backwards and forwards. And I've seen what pleasure you have from a good s'vara or a good answer! This implies, that with spiritual pleasures, the situation is exactly the opposite: The more we taste of it the stronger the pleasure gets. And the same goes for Love. Who do you think love each other more: a couple who have just met, or a couple who have lived together for many years?"
"Surely, the longer they are together and give to one another, the stronger the love grows", answered Yerachmiel.
"How wonderful that you already understand this!", I said.
"So let's take a look now at what happens when a couple gets married. According to what we just explained, they would apparently find themselves in a problematic situation at the very start. On the one hand, they want to retain enjoyable marital relations in the long term. But this is something that, according to what we just said, should not be possible, because marital relations are bodily pleasures - which grow less enjoyable with time. But on the other hand they want to love each other, and Love is something that grows with time.
So based on what we've discussed until now, it would seem that every couple that gets married is faced with an impossible choice: either they stay together for only a short time and enjoy their sexual relations while giving up on true Love, or they can opt to stay together for many years and merit a real love, but their marital relations will become less and less enjoyable as time goes on".
"It's a problem", summed up Yerachmiel with half a smile.
"But we know", I said, " that Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves us, and he created this world for us to enjoy, yet still, the Torah commands us to get married! Apparently there's a secret here and if we can figure it out, we can enjoy both worlds together: to remain together for many years, and at the same time, still retain the enjoyment of marital relations the entire time!"
"But that goes against all the rules we laid down until now!" called Yerachmiel.
"True", I said, "and now I am going to reveal to you the secret, and I believe that this secret can help us deal with your question". Yerachmiel gazed at me with full concentration and attention.
"We determined that with physical pleasures, the more we have of them, the less enjoyable they become. But this is only true if the physical pleasure is the purpose and goal unto itself. If, however, the physical pleasure is only a means to achieving a spiritual pleasure, then all the characteristics of the spiritual pleasure attach themselves to the physical pleasure as well, and as a result, not only does the physical pleasure not get weaker over time, but the opposite is true, it gets stronger over time!"
"But I don't understand, Rebbe, how can this be?" asked Yerachmiel.
"Let me explain", I answered.
"Let's take the example of the pizza again and assume that the cook would prepare exactly the same pizza every night. But then, he would reveal to you that he is using an ancient, secret recipe that he inherited from his forefathers, that the more one eats of this pizza the smarter and sharper they become, to the point that they will know the entire Torah and never forget a thing. But this is only on the condition that they eat the pizza without missing a single day, for one full year. Now if on one of those days someone would invite you to an expensive restaurant with juicy steaks, which would you prefer Yerachmiel? Would you prefer the delicious restaurant steak - or the pizza with the special powers that you already invested months into, and if you stop eating it for even one day you'll lose everything? I'm pretty sure that any wise person would choose the pizza, and he will also continue to enjoy it for the entire time - even without different toppings, because he knows that through it, he is attaining something very precious to him. The pizza for him is not the goal, but rather only a means to achieving an important and priceless goal; the knowledge of the entire Torah. And especially if he actually sees that the pizza's powers are beginning to work and his memory is getting sharper by the day; his love for the pizza will only grow as time goes on."
"So that's the whole idea: A couple decides to get married with the goal of building a home together and helping each other grow and develop. Their marital relations are supposed to be enjoyable, but they are not a goal in and of themselves, rather only a means to be able to share with each other and give each other pleasure. And when the relations are just a means and not a goal, then automatically, the stronger their love for each other grows, so will the pleasure in their relationships; not only will it not lessen with time, but it will grow with time. And that's why we don't just call it "sex" but rather "relations".
"But all this can only happen if it is very clear to both sides what is the goal and what is the means. However, the moment that marital relations become a goal in themselves, they immediately obtain the central characteristic of all other physical-bodily pleasures and are transformed from being "relations" to just plain "sex". And then, just like all physical pleasures, the enjoyment becomes progressively less strong over time. And as a result, the couple enters into cycles of disappointment, because they always remember the first time they were together and that first experience is always the strongest and most intense; from there on, the experience only fades in strength.
"So what do such disappointed couples do to get back the original thrill? Like with the pizza, they start searching for all types of "toppings". They try new, more exciting sexual experiences, at first together, but they quickly find that this too loses its thrill. And then they start, unfortunately, to search for it with strangers too, rachmana litzlan. Obviously, this causes their relationship to crumble, and the bitter end is almost certainly not long in coming."
Yerachmiel strongly related to this idea; especially when I spoke of the "pizza toppings". It was clear that he understood exactly what I meant. I smiled to him and said: "So now, let's get back to the question you asked: How can you enjoy "regular" relations with your wife for the long term, after you have already gone through and fantasized about so many different and exciting sexual experiences? Did I understand your question correctly?"
"Yes", admitted Yerachmiel abashedly.
"Basically, you have already tasted all the toppings and plain pizza doesn't even excite you any more, while your future wife has never even tasted pizza in her life!"
"But in light of the secret I just revealed to you, this is only an issue if your physical connection to your wife serves as a goal in itself, for your own personal pleasure and nothing more. In such a case, you can be sure that the memories of your many previous sexual experiences and fantasies will fill you with disappointment, because you won't find the same thrill as you had in the past. And if you try and take your wife - chas veshalom - to that same place as well, i.e. to the realm of fantasies and "extra toppings", your marriage is destined to be a complete failure from the start."
"But if you are wise and implement all that we have spoken about until now, you can be sure that true love will permeate your marriage always, and in addition to that, you will also retain the enjoyment in your marital relations with your wife for many years to come."
We were both silent for a while, and then Yerachmiel spoke: "I have one last question, actually - a request. Would the Rosh Yeshiva be willing to honor me with his presence at the wedding and be the Mesader Kidushin at my Chuppah?"
I rose from my place, came over to Yerachmiel and grasped his two hands with warmth: "I would never give up this honor for anything in the world", I said.
"Thank you Rebbe", replied Yerachmiel with tears in his eyes, "for saving my life".