My heart and my head were tearing me apart!
Many years ago I was in a crazy situation and felt ready to explode. The physical stress was the least of it; I was surrounded by negative waves from family, school, and a boyfriend. The boyfriend was the real problem. I was a modern orthodox Balas Teshuva, and always had more male friends than female. I just connected to guys better. Looking back, I am constantly in awe of the different ways Hashem saved me from both myself, and others. I was officially shomer negiah, but being a normal girl, had my share of desires. As I said, Hashem saved me from myself more times than I will ever know.
Anyway, this boyfriend was in school in a different town, so we saw each other only rarely. We wrote in between. In one message, he asked if I would be willing to 'go the bases' with him when he came home the next week.
I was so torn! My heart and my head were tearing me apart. I was 15 years old and I still remember the pain as if yesterday. I so badly wanted to say yes; yet I so badly wanted to say no! I thought I would lose my mind. I don’t think I have ever cried so hard in my whole life.
And for the first time ever, this modern orthodox girl turned to Hashem. The pain was so heavy and overwhelming, that I instinctively turned to the only source of hope. And I begged Him to help me decide and to take the pain away! (as if He would have suggested giving in, but that’s how sincere my dilemma was!)
And I made a deal with him (I’m telling you; this feels like yesterday): If taking me from this world would bring moshiach so others would never have to go through the pain of such decisions - to give in or not- then I would gladly die. This was not a deal created from depression. In fact as soon as I finished saying it, I became hysterical, POSITIVE THAT I WAS ABOUT TO DIE IN MY SLEEP and I would not get to say goodbye to those I loved!!!!!! That’s how sincere I was.
In fact, when I woke up the next day, that’s when I actually became depressed! I took it as a sign that Hashem had rejected my 'deal'.
But He hadn’t. Hashem took those tears and heartache and indecision and 'deals' and He placed them in His cup of pure Karbonos. AND I WAS NEVER THE SAME PERSON AGAIN.
Yes, the initial emotion wore off (BH!) and life took over. But from that moment, it was almost as if He was smoothing the road as I walked. Hashkafik questions suddenly cleared up, and the derech I needed for my personal journey was revealed in all its beauty. Slowly but surely, life took a turn for the better, and I gained a clarity I had only dreamed of. And I believe it all came from my karbon of "letting go, and letting Hashem take over".
This is the hashkafa here on GYE, and all addiction forums everywhere. I didn’t have the bracha of anyone to share with, so instead, Hashem led me directly to the only way to win: Let Go and Let G-d.
(As for that boy, once again Hashem stepped in and saved me. 'Somehow' we never seemed to get a moment alone after that .. And trust me, he tried!)