Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Miriam’s Perspective

Welcome to Miriam’s perspective through the 12 Steps on spouse addiction to sex.

by Miriam GYE (See all authors)

Many women who find this site have many questions that need to be answered. Instead of trying to figure it out on your own, here are a few insights from the Codependent / S-Anon support books.

Here is a common question that comes up: “How should I deal with my husband when I see that he is acting out, either by finding shmutz on the computer or by catching him in the act of acting out? What I should do ask, say or do?!”

1) The green book says: "Knowing we are adults and we have choices". How I am dealing with it?! Before I was all about ‘acting’ rather then ‘responding’. Acting like a child and not like an adult. When a child doesn’t get what he wants RIGHT NOW they can throw a fit, scream, call names, hit, yell, denigrate, put down, threaten, pull away. In short, I was in the "terrible twos" in the body of adult.... (That is not to say you aren’t feeling sad angry disappointed scared and more...)

Now, we are adults and have choices. As an adult, I can come forward and say that I saw something that makes me feel scared, unsafe, and that hurts me and hurts our marriage. The last thing I need to do is give speeches (remember we don't need to be a Rebbetzin, a policeman or a watch dog). Tell him that you know he has the strength to overcome whatever Hashem is bringing to him, and that doing what he is doing is not acceptable at home. If and when he is ready to talk about it, you are ready.

2) Daven for him.

3) Call a friend to talk about it. If you can not reach anyone, send me, your sponsor or your friend an email sharing what happened.

4) Stay with the "self care" structure that you have. (Write, sleep on time, get up on time, eat right and on time, walk, talk, and ask yourself, “what do I feel? what do I want? what do I think?”).

You are coming to this site / call only to help yourself. No one else.

Here are the three areas that you need to focus on:

  • Me and my relationship with myself
  • Me and my relationship with others
  • Me and my relationship with Hashem.

Good luck,

You are welcome to call me ask questions anytime.

Miriam GYE