The Rosh Yeshiva continues the story...
“This is not the Yerachmiel I know”, I thought to myself as I gave over the Shiur Klali in the Yeshiva hall. Yerachmiel, who usually doesn’t let any Svara pass him by - asking and joining in with his sharp mind, looked burnt out and closed within himself, as if only his body was here but he was somewhere else. After the Shiur, I came over to him and asked him how he was doing.
“I’m fine”, he replied unconvincingly, as if trying to brush me off. I knew that burnt look on his face only too well. After all, I myself had been in these situations countless times. And I didn’t intend to let it happen to him as well, I determined in my heart.
“Come with me to my office”, I instructed him. Yerachmiel escorted me down the hall, clearly unwillingly.
After a few moments of total silence, I decided to risk a calculated gamble. I asked him if he was angry at himself because of something he did and now regrets. His body language told me I was correct. Before I could get another word out of my mouth, Yerachmiel burst out crying as he murmured “I can’t do this any more! The Rav has no idea how much I tried to stand up to the test and not fall. I thought I would succeed, but in the end the temptation is always stronger than me. Why am I such a bad person? Why is my willpower so weak? Why can’t I ever succeed to overcome my urges, and instead only continue to sink more and more? The Rav is wasting his precious time with me - I am not worth it. The Mashgiach was right when he wanted to throw me out of the Yeshiva. I can’t learn Torah or even put on Teffilin after the things I do. I just want to leave everything - even Judaism!” he blurted out tearfully.
I gave him a few moments to calm down and then I asked: “Tell me Yerachmiel, my dear student, when an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? Why do you start with the assumption that you must always win? Who says it needs to be “all or nothing”?
You surely remember what we learned: “There is no Tzadik on earth that does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20). Do you think you need to be more righteous than Avraham Avinu and Moshe Rabbeinu, that the Torah tells us that they too sinned?
The notion that you must always succeed actually turns you into easy prey for your Yetzer Hara. Did you ever think about it? Your evil inclination knows you a lot better than you know yourself. He knows your constant yearning for perfection and the high level of self-criticism you subject yourself to. Don’t you see how he is using your good qualities against you?
It is precisely these important qualities that are meant to allow you to grow and flourish, that are causing you to get down on yourself and enter into depression and hopelessness - to the point that you are talking about leaving everything, even Torah and Mitzvos. And why so extreme? Just because your Yetzer won you over a few times?
My dear Yerachmiel, maybe instead of focusing on those times you lost the battle with the Yetzer, we should start focusing on all the many times that you completely overpowered him? After all, you yourself told me just a few moments ago, that there were times that you won him over. Is this a small thing in your eyes, that you the small, were able to win over your crafty and cunning inclination, that dwells deep inside you and knows you inside out? If you would count, one by one, all the times that you won the Yetzer, and you would line them up against the times you lost, I am sure without the shadow of a doubt that you would immediately see you have the upper hand!
For a moment Yerachmiel lifted his gaze which was still cast to the ground, as if to signal me to go on.
"A complete victory" I continued, "is the sum of many small victories, and sometimes losses too. Let me bring you a parable from the battle field:
Many years ago there were two kingdoms that lived side by side. One was a very poor kingdom with a large population of people who struggled to get through each day. The second kingdom had much fewer subjects but was very rich, and the people there lived a high life style and knew no want. For many years the two kingdoms lived together in harmony, in spite of their vast differences.
One day, the king of the rich country died and his son rose to the throne. He was very unlike his wise and thoughtful father, and instead was aggressive, hasty and unrestrained.
One bright day he decided without any reason, that he would like to conquer the neighboring kingdom. He wished to show off his great strength, without thinking for a moment about the destructive consequences that his actions were likely to cause. His advisors tried to talk him out of it, but to no avail. In a well planned surprise strike, the young king managed to invade the territory of the neighboring kingdom with his large army.
At first, the people of the poor kingdom tried to show resistance. They fought valiantly with great sacrifice to protect their homeland. But when they saw that the enemy had already succeeded in conquering significant areas of their territory on the very first day, their spirit was broken and in a short period of time they surrendered.
The people of the poor kingdom thought that perhaps the new king would share his riches with them, but they were quickly disappointed. Over time, he pillaged even the little that they had, until the entire population were left starving and broken in body and spirit.
When the populace understood that they were destined to die of starvation and had nothing more to lose, they decided - especially those who lived on the border with the rich kingdom - to try a stealth incursion into the enemy kingdom to search for food. Under cover of night, they cut through the fences and tried to slip inside. But those who were fortunate enough to be saved from the guard dog's vicious teeth were quickly shot at by the many soldiers who manned the border. The few that managed to survive were caught by citizens and given over to the authorities who threw them in prison. And so, the people of the poor kingdom knew that their fate was sealed. They sunk into despair and self pity, and awaited their deaths.
Suddenly one of the older advisors of the king got up and said: "My dear people, instead of sitting and just waiting for our deaths, let's do something. We already saw that individuals who try to steal across the border doesn't work. Our only chance of success is if we unite and work together with wisdom and judgment. It's no secret that we outnumber the enemy by far. Let us use this to our advantage. We can choose an area on the border that is the least guarded and invade there with our thousands of men, women and children - men first, and the women and children behind us. It needs to be an area that is the right size for us to be able to insure that we can keep complete control over it for the long term. And then, with the help of the riches that we'll find there, we'll be able to firmly establish our hold on that territory and get stronger. Then when we feel secure enough, we'll go out and conquer another area for ourselves, and establish our hold there too. And so on and so forth, until the entire neighboring kingdom will fall into our hands like a ripe fruit.
"So the citizens followed his wise advice, and what do you think happened in the end, do you think they succeeded?" I asked Yerachmiel.
"I'm sure they did" answered Yerachmiel. "They acted with wisdom. They didn't try and conquer the entire country at once, because that would have failed miserably. But I really don't see how this is related to..."
"Good" I replied. "That is exactly what I was aiming for. The two neighboring kingdoms are our Yetzer Hara and our Yetzer Tov..."
The lesson of today's e-mail will be discussed in the coming e-mail Iy"h...
The "two neighboring kingdoms" are our Yetzer Hara and our Yetzer Tov. One bright day, the Yetzer Hara decided to try and conquer you with a surprise attack of sexual arousals and fantasies - precisely at a time when you least expected it, as you were involved in learning in Yeshiva and were full of desire to get stronger and become uplifted in Torah and Middos.
When the Yetzer succeeded to make you stumble, instead of recovering right away and returning a valiant fight, you started blaming yourself that you let him win, and you sunk into self-pity and hopelessness. And this is exactly what let the Yetzer Hara continue to overpower you, until you finally surrendered to him unconditionally. This is just like those individuals in the parable who attempted an incursion into the enemy's territory that was bound to fail from the start.
But now you can start to act with wisdom, and instead of trying to conquer the entire territory right away - after all, you yourself understood that that won't work - try and conquer for yourself a small territory, but one that you will be sure you can maintain defense over it well. And then, slowly but surely you will make progress, until you will succeed to conquer everything back. Does this sound doable and reasonable to you?
"Y-yes" answered Yerachmiel, hesitantly. "But how do I do this?"
"The key is in your hands" I answered. "Tell me, from all the many temptations that you are tested with, which temptation would be relatively the easiest for you to overcome? I ask this even though I understand that even the smallest temptation, when it is facing you, is difficult to bear".
Yerachmiel, who wasn't ready for this question, thought for a few moments and then answered: "I think the easiest for me to overcome would be to undertake not to be with other boys".
Are you ready to take this upon yourself, that no matter what - and no matter how you feel, from now on you will not transgress the serious prohibition of homosexual relations? Are you able to undertake that on this one thing the Yetzer Hara will not overpower you?"
"Yes, Rebbe" answered Yerachmiel determinedly, "I am ready to take this upon myself fully".
"Wonderful" I answered, "you have just taken a big step. You have succeeded in conquering a small territory that your Yetzer will not be able to enter.
Now as you surely know, in a war - like in all wars, after conquering a territory one must barricade it well to assure that the enemy can't penetrate. Only after the territory is well fortified will it be possible to continue on from there and conquer additional territory.
Do you understand what you have actually done now? You have changed your strategy. Instead of conquering the entire territory, which everyone understands is impossible at this stage - and would only cause you to sink into depression and hopelessness, you have decided with wisdom, to conquer a relatively small area that you know almost certainly that you will be able to maintain vigilant guard over. And after you have succeeded in this mission - and you will succeed G-d willing, your self esteem will become strengthened, and you will see that this enemy is not undefeatable after all. And through conquering this one area, you will be able to make additional territorial gains.
"So we're clear Yerachmiel?" And I repeated again for emphasis: "for the time being you will focus only on guarding and fortifying this new territory you have conquered, without thinking about other territories at all. And this alone will be a big win for you."
Yerachmiel's countenance reflected that a big burden had been lifted from his shoulders. We set a regular time to meet in my office - once every two weeks. Yerachmiel's hand was already on the door when I said to him: "You should already know by now that I won't let you leave without your wonderful smile!". Yerachmiel smiled sheepishly, left the room and closed the door behind him.