I feel that the time is overdue for me to write my story to someone and try to get as much help as possible.
First, I should emphasize that I did not grow up in a religious house or part of a religious community at all. I have only recently become a Baal Teshuva.
I was introduced to inappropriate magazines at a young age, perhaps 10. I had a friend who had movie channels that showed shmutz late at night and we would watch together when I would sleep over. When people started to have internet at home, I remember going over to another friend's house to look together from time to time. But it didn't become an addiction until later, although when I cannot say. In fact, my inability to remember most of the development of this highly destructive habit is astounding. It is as if all those hours I spent looking at inappropriate materials went into a black hole and got deleted from my memory and consciousness. How do I know it happened? Because today I am struggling more than ever to stop my addiction to inappropriate material on the internet.
About 3 years ago, my loneliness and obsession with lust and frustration at not being able to "pick up" someone overcame me and I had an involvement with a prutzah. This experience was totally revolting to me and I am ashamed to this day. After that I had a girlfriend but I continued looking at inappropriate material and not respecting her as a person. As a result, our relationship experiences were not meaningful for me. They were filled with numbness and frustration. It was a strange situation of feeling a strong need for relationship experiences but not feeling any emotion or satisfaction. This must have been the effect of the inappropriate materials on my mind.
There was one instance, which I am even more ashamed of and which I haven't told anyone in the world until now, that occurred that I think is also related to the inappropriate materials and the concept of regarding women only externally. I was angry at this girlfriend for some trivial reason and in my raw anger, I somehow felt that it was OK to be violent towards her when showing her affection. I don't know if, in my perverted mind I thought it was all some sort of dramatic act, but I hurt her physically. This has to have been the absolute low-point in my life. You must understand that this was totally antithetical to all my beliefs and natural instincts, and completely uncharacteristic of me and of the environment I come from. I just need to get it off my chest, because it's hard to bear the secret alone. We continued our relationship for another 2 years before breaking up. No violence ever occurred again between us.
If we would ask a person to point to himself, would he point at his heart?
Before being exposed to Judaism, I sensed that inappropriate material was destructive and that I needed to stop but I lacked the strength and determination. I knew that it was disgusting, anti-social, and that it was an addiction that would wreck my future family. I have improved a lot B'H with the help of a Rabbi and the Torah that I've studied, but I still have lapses and get sucked in. Sometimes 2 or 3 or 4 hours go by and I am stuck to the computer destroying my mind and my soul. Even if you forget all the spiritual damage, what a waste of time! However, whereas I used to act out very frequently, I have sworn off it and have stopped completely with only 2 lapses in the last 6 months. But it's not enough. My goal is: no inappropriate materials and no acting out. I firmly believe that the only way to really control the yetzer hara is through learning Torah. Hashem created the Yetzer Hara and He created Torah as the antidote. All the terrible things we do can be for the good if we do sincere Teshuva, make a Cheshbon with ourselves, and resolve to never do these things again AND KEEP OUR WORD.
Your site is an enormous help to me and sometimes when I am about to fall, I first go to your site and I lose the desire. I think that maybe if my story is posted on the site and is public, this will be an extra strength to me to succeed and be an inspiration to others. I know that I have benefited greatly from other people's stories.