Monday, 16 January 2012

When the Wife Feels Betrayed

Someone's wife found out about his addiction, she was upset about being betrayed and won't forgive him, and they are at an impasse. Dov writes to this man:

by Dov (See all authors)

To heck with your addiction.

This relationship issue that vexes you was, is, and needs to stay (for you) all about learning how to give your wife what it is that she lusts after - what she really wants from you. One day at a time. Asking her what she would like in a relationship with you just for today - instead of trying to 'fix' the past. Don't waste your time - she isn't interested in forgiving you, and she doesn't feel she needs to. For doing that would make her too vulnerable!

Taking actions of love without expecting anything from her or the relationship in return - instead of trying to convince her (that's expecting her to forgive). Thinking about and davening for her each day - that is the derech. Taking the actions of love instead of trying to 'make' something. Just do.

Do for the next month and see what the relationship produces, That is way beyond either of you to give. Do it for the next six months and you will discover a marriage liberated from the past, even though both of you are - and may individually still be - prisoners.

Don't do it for you, and don't do it for her. Do it for the marriage. There is a b'riyah that is neither of you, only both of you. It is the 'bosor echad' called "the marriage". It is choking now, and being ignored. "Divide and conquer!" is the motto of your disease, when it comes to marriage.

Just do it. Do it and let Hashem take your lives where He Wills it to go. Don't hold any expectations besides that He will do a far, far better job that either of you have done till now.

Will it work for you? Take it slow, buddy. We are all in the same big boat, in this challenge.