Monday, 23 January 2012

It's time I stopped playing House

Dov's brutal honesty with himself:

by Dov (See all authors)

I had an amazing realization B"H this morning during my quiet time, and I want to share it with you.

I am a husband and a father, but in some ways do not always act like either. I often come home late from work and miss dinner, sometimes miss bedtime with the kids, and also often "forget" to call my wife to communicate. I slip and put my marriage too far behind my recovery, or even behind time with my friends or entertainments, hobbies.

While I'm much better in these things than before, it's still an issue, especially if you ask my little lady.

It's becoming very frustrating for me, so I gave it some quiet time to think about it, and here is what I got:

Am I committed to being a real husband and a real father, or, am I committed to putting in just enough effort to be perceived as one by others? If I ignore my brain and just look at the facts on the ground - my behavior as a father and husband (not a moral 'report card', mind you, just the facts) I see that I am in a rut. I occasionally keep enough of the identifying behaviors going to maintain the category (or ID) of "father" and "husband", but I put no 'meat on the bones', as it were. I have not really grown up yet. In some respects I am still a bochur deeply committed to playing house. And then feeling sorry for myself when the grown-up perks ;-) don't come my way....

Nu. It's time I grew up a bit.

While this may be no shock to anyone, for some reason it is hitting me hard, and I feel a new motivation today to grow up and really live the life I have chosen for myself. To accept it. To take hold of it.

It will not all happen in a day, and guilt will probably kill the whole d-mn thing, and I'll need help. But that what (F)friends are for! (big F for Hashem, our very best Friend :-)