Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The Need to Feel Special

by Dov (See all authors)

Someone posted on the forum:

We tell ourselves that we want to feel wanted, needed, special. It's a natural desire; everyone wants that, right? Problem is, I'm not getting it in the rest of my life, so I need to find some area where I can feel that... And that's part of the reason we run to the schmutz...

 

Dov replies:

Yes, there is tremendous warmth and acceptance that we (sickly) find in schmutz, no question about it. And we tend to crave that so much. But our survival mechanism itself poisons us, in the end, and draws us deeper and deeper into stuff that separates us from everybody else! Lust separates us from others in so many ways, on the inside (in our own hearts) and on the outside (through our behavior).

Life is supposed to be grand and gorgeous - just not on my terms. I do need to be special and great - for each one of us is! But not necessarily in the things that we expect.

The glory of being a ben Torah, a husband, a tatty, an eved Hashem was definitely not the way I expected it to be, at all. And I tried to control it all and run the show to make it at that game - and when I failed, I usually ran to my schmutz to make things feel right. I could be a King over there...a real stud, in my imagination. Pathetic, really.

Nu. We can all laugh at ourselves sometimes... Hashem loves us anyway, and perhaps He chuckles the way we chuckle (inside) when our kiddies flop on their tooshies trying to walk - how clumsy they are and how persistent! Gevalt! Hashem - save us from ourselves!!