Sunday, 22 January 2012

Romantic Struggle vs. What Hashem Really Wants

Does going to the mikva wipe away the sin after a fall?

by Dov (See all authors)

The entire flavor of my relationship with Hashem before recovery was one of drama. "I want to do better! I want to stop!" ... then I'd act out and come back to Him saying, "Take me back!! Please take me back!"... and he'd take me back, I guess... Then I'd feel deep feelings of "deveikus" - not just plain avodas Hashem, mind you, but deep stuff!

It was either a profound and supercharged relationship with Hashem, or I was a pathetic dirt-bag a billion miles from him because of disgusting acting out, begging to come back - and He'd take me back, of course!

This pattern, romantic as it is, is not what I see Hashem wants from me. While it may be a nice theatre for enactment of many basic Torah and Teshuva concepts, I am now out of the "holy struggle Petri dish" and into real life. Real life is more normal, more even keeled, and more meaningful - though not nearly as shockingly exciting. But Hashem didn't hire us to have excitement or fun - it's only about doing His Will plainly and simply.

The mikvah itself has little to do with this, but I see that it was definitely a big part of my secret, sick adventure. The total, cheap, taharah that it offers is a nice comeback to the horrifying acting out I obviously thought I could afford to do back then. No more.

I still go to the mikvah, and am trying kavonos that I am learning for it, as well, be"H. But it is no longer a counterbalance to my sickness. It is no longer a tool I use for tolerating a lifestyle of horrifying tum'ah. Instead, it's a gift I give to Him - a pure body to daven to Him with!!

Finally it is a wholesome pleasure. Thanks to G-d.