Friday, 06 January 2012

Living or Just "Not Dying"?

by Dov (See all authors)

I never needed to stop the game until I really needed to stop. Then I stopped, and that is when the proverbial (whatever) hit the fan. I was using it for comfort about so many things, it was ridiculous. I needed a lot of help and support, and still do.

But just trying to stay clean one day at a time is like being a sitting duck. Period. Rather than calling it "living", I'd call it just "not dying". Would we ever consider celebrating the fact that we did not suffocate today? We deserve little credit for making the effort to breath... not just because it's easy and natural, but because it's just "not dying". Mazel Tov.

To me, the poison of the frum sounding attitude that "just struggling to stay clean one day is worth it" is a twisted view of "one day at a time" and is just an excuse for holding tight onto the luxury of being able to use my drug. Some can afford it, some cannot. I cannot afford it because it screws my life up.

People who are not addicts are busy really living, and this lust garbage distracts them sometimes. For them, getting through the day without messing up is definitely worth it. And certainly, a sober day is a precious thing for an addict as well.

But to focus on not using lust all day long is an ill way to live, in my opinion, no matter what kedusha we attach to it. When I wrestle with a person with fleas, bedbugs, and lice, I will definitely end up getting cooties.

That is why after the 1st step is done, none of the 11 other steps have any direct connection to our lust, masturbation, drinking, gambling, shooting up with heroin, or any of that stuff. They are not about getting sober, and certainly not about "drinking". The program people discovered that their entire focus has to be on good-living, or they are dead ducks, guaranteed to "fall" again, soon.