Thursday, 19 January 2012

Live to Give = No Lack

Someone posted on the forum:

I hope I don't slip into depression once I realize and internalize that my wife will not and cannot be part of my fantasies... I might have to settle for (or strive for, perhaps) and ordinary existence.

Dov Replies:

Here is a juicy fantasy for anyone (like me) who has felt gripped with the terror of not getting their ta'yvos, should they quit acting out:

Take off our heavy overcoat of worries, our thick woolen suit of fear that we'll never get what we want so badly, and those tight, strangling clothing of guilt, and change into a nice comfy bathing suit of trust in Hashem and the tools of recovery. Make it fruited yellow bermudas! At first, the whole idea of letting go of our 'precious load' will seem wacky and even suicidal to us!

Nu. Climb quietly up to the diving board of Recovery. Never mind, we'll carry you...

Take a few slow, deep breaths and walk to the end of the board and leap right into the water of making our wives' satisfaction our greatest concern. Welcome to Real Life for a recovering person!

The water may be cold sometimes, it may be too deep to feel the floor, but - no need to panic here. There are many, many people who will share a life-preserver called the 12 steps with us! The kiddie pool we were swimming in 'till now was getting yellow, anyway...

Let's grab the 12 steps and test out whether letting go of our selfish concerns and really "living to give" will shortchange us. Test it!

Shockingly, most find that the waters are warm. In fact, they never want to get out when that darn whistle blows!

Now try jumping in only halfway. It can't work, sorry. Rabi Shimon bar Yochai would definitely not have had a carob tree grow for him and his son, had he brought a sandwich into that cave "just in case"!

Yes, our desires aren't always bad, and we can even share them with our wives sometimes.... but the ikkar here is to understand that the fantasies are really a sad burden, that when demanded, weigh-down and destroy relationships and lives. Trust Hashem and trust recovery.

We, of all people, will not be lacking anything from giving. We'll be full, full, full!