Sunday, 15 January 2012

I Stopped Trying To Change the Little Lady

by Dov (See all authors)

Before recovery I was wracked with daily, frequent angst - I was sure I had married the wrong person because my wife's approach to sexuality and ruchnius are so different from mine. It drove me crazy and I had two panic attacks over it. By "over it" I mean that it was what was running through my mind when I had them... "how will I fix my life with this error in the mix?! It's hopeless and I am stuck!"

After having to quit and getting sober, I had to learn how to stop trying to change the little lady - just so I'd not go crazy, myself. In order to do that, I had to learn to focus on doing for her. She's my wife. I do for her. Same as my kids...we do not pick them - we just do for them, period.

After a while sober and giving (giving was my 'therapy' especially whenever I felt like punching her in the nose) I started to feel like she wasn't that bad, after all. Working the steps made sobriety tolerable (it was always intolerable before) and growing up made my wife into my 'project' rather than my archenemy.

Now I feel a true fondness for my wife, at least a few times per week, b"H. And I try to remember those moments during special times like Sh'moneh Esrei; benching; quiet drives; after getting a temptation; when I have a resentment toward my wife, etc. I try to bring the moment back to life and thank Hashem for it. Nu. Most of the time I forget about it, but at least some of the time I actually do this. And it helps my sanity and usefulness a lot.