Tuesday, 10 January 2012

I Haven't Got it All Figured Out

by Dov (See all authors)

I have never told anyone that he needs the 12 steps. Instead, I have always gone out of my way to defend recovery methods other than the 12 steps. I need to do that as I'll try to explain later. I guess some folks hear me echoing " use the 12 steps! " because they know my history and they actually do not believe for a minute that I am truly and fully open to other d'rachim to sanity and HKB"H. Well, too bad. I am.

The day I begin to view the way that worked for me as the only way to a true relationship with my own G-d (which is the very definition of recovery according the the 12th step) is the day I will lose my sobriety. That's because it will mean that I have become an 'authority' or 'expert'. Then I have taken Hashem's place. It will mean that I believe I am the one running my recovery. Uh-oh. Ein bracha metzuyah ella b'davar hasamui min ha'ayin - that means that as long as I view the recovery as a gift from Hashem it'll work. When I 'have it all figured out' - where's the gift from Hashem? I got it all figured out! And I figure that'd mean that I really believe that I manufacture it - and can get others there.

The 12 step attitude that I was m'kabel is this: I cannot even keep myself sober - really - so how can I get you sober?! Hashem needs to do it for me... maybe you can do it for yourself, maybe not. Who am I to know what you can or cannot do? That's how I was sponsored and sponsor others. I do not ever keep them sober. Hashem does if they let Him, and if He wants to. (I assume He usually does ... but that's another discussion that you can see more of in s'forim like Mei Hashiloach and elsewhere)

And if I haven't 'got it all figured out' , then I must be open to other d'rachim!

And just for the record, my Program taught me that I can actually ask Hashem to give me recovery through His Torah, and I believe that would be what they call 'my chelek in Torah'. It is starting to teach me self-honesty. Since I view my problem as mostly a mental disease, I consider 12 step recovery as purely "Derech Eretz" which is kodmah laTorah. Meaning, before I approach His Torah, I need some sanity. As in "nosein chochma lachakeemin". And it is working nicely so far b"H. Not for everyone, that's for sure, but I love it and so do those close to me.