upanddown wrote on 12 May 2025 11:54:
Been down in the dumps. New levels of being stuck in the mud. To be clear: I crossed boundaries and have been having נסיונות with non jewish woman (still very accessible). I have been totally put off Yiddishkeit in a way that I have never experienced. Recently I've started searching and looking for opportunities to be עובר on all איסורים. Not been learning, not praying, not saying Shema. About to eat non kosher food (started with חלב עכו''ם). Almost been מחלל שבת (done stuff בשינוי)... And obviously done some P&M. It is spiralling out of control.
Did some proper journaling yesterday and feeling a lot stronger. Starting to go uphill BH...
Day 3.
Thanks for listening brothers!
Oish! The problem it's hard to give you chizzuk! What can you say to a guy who knows more than you'll probably ever know!
Though, maybe that's part of the problem...how is this adam gadol beating himself up?
I just find myself wondering are there other chalakim in Torah that you perhaps haven't explored that might be appealing? You said you've learnt a lot and presumably a lot of mussar seforim but what about fundamentals...in a way that appeals to you? And I wonder if could help scratch an itch that's waiting to be scratched...clearly you're in a lot of emotional pain but it feels like there's an intellectual thirst as well.
For myself I know things like R' Hirsch on Parshas Bereishis, The Hakdama to He'emek Davar, the Rambam's Hakdama to Peirush Hamishnayos, and Acharon acharaon Chaviv R' Avigdor Miller on Chovos Halevavos have I think given me a more balanced/stable view of Yiddishkeit...