Eerie wrote on 25 May 2023 19:27:

Ask your son to help you, you will be surprised, he will figure it out in a few seconds, 
Just kidding, but this is how many of today's kids are...

ChaimMod wrote on 28 May 2023 18:52:

He wants it to show.

Grant400 wrote on 28 May 2023 20:22:

Ouch!! I feel ya, really do. It sucks out every bit of power left within us..

However, pls keep on fighting, you did it in the past and will do it now too.
now isn't the time for any debating.. u just need to reach out to someone live or/and make use of ur toolbox.  

If you need to talk to someone you can always DM me. Despite the fact that we don’t really know each other 

Struggling like crazy the past few days. My mind is going ballistic, reminding me of what a plethora of pleasure there is to be so easily had. Pathetic excuses keep popping up. I'm at a point where I really feel possessed. 

My mind is racing, heart is pounding and my stomach gets cold and tight. For real. I don't know how common this is, but I get real physical symptoms, I've discussed this here before.

Over Yom tov it was easier to resist, obviously my hands were tied regarding most things, but now I'm really suffering and rallying everything I've got to beat this demon. I'm just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.

Hope to see you on the other side.

When you get your Rebbi the wrong sefer...

1) Which filter do you have on already? Some come with time restricters.
2) There's also an option to have someone else create an admin account, turn yours into a regular one, and set time limits using the 'net user's cmd. 
3) if you're signed in with a Microsoft account there's also parental time controls. 

Day 34, very interesting and true chapter, about even if you get rid of the challenges actively, but there are times when they creep up on you and you still need to be ready and on guard for those. You can't let them knock you down. Never feel complacent, you can always do more work and fight this battle.

Eerie wrote on 25 May 2023 19:27:

Do you want the streak to show in the forum under your name or not to show?

so quite here.... why?

So it was a wonderful Shavuos, full of Romemus and learning, Shiurim and Tefilla. I contacted an accountability partner before Yom Tov, and afterwards. 

And I was feeling a bit of resistance to doing that. I was actually feeling down about this in the middle of Davening, about knowing that right after Yom Tov I was going to be sending another text. Had a feeling of: "Am I actually someone who needs to do this constantly? And if yes, (because I do), then it's just so sad, perhaps even pathetic. If I, with my strengths and all that I have BH accomplished, if I still need to constantly use this tool to stay clean, then what am I worth, really?" It wasn't a good feeling at all. 

Then I had a powerful realization: This is exactly what I need.

You see, my personal struggles in recent years have thankfully not been the kind that have resulted in frequent falls. There have been longer and shorter intervals between them, [I don't take that for granted at all, and I work at it, and I don't think that I am better than anyone else who has greater challenges]; but BH - most of the time my inner life matches my outer persona. But I realize that there's a pitfall therein.

You see, I like to see myself only as that Chaim- the leader and Rebbe, the healer who loves to learn, the Talmid Chochom and guide. I try hard not to be a fraud - I view myself and try to be a work in process. But there's a disconnect. A split in my life.  
The "other" Chaim hides in shadow, lurking. Don't like like to think about him. Normally he is only the faint whisper of an unpleasant memory, tabboo. He's a mostly-hidden memory of a painful past, seemingly irrelevant. Don't like to think about him at all. Until he surprises me as being all-too-real, emerging at times of achingness and fogginess, so surprisingly strong for an unpleasant memory, still unbelievably hot and powerful and strong after all these years, still ME. Oy. Ugh. ArGHH. And i have fallen that way, many times, it's an old story. לפתח חטאת רובץ.

But now, here I am today, standing in front of Talmidim, saying Torah, infused with the Kedusha of Shavuos. Davening with inspiration, full of Hallel, thinking truly lofty Machshavos. And I am knowing all the while that I have a new Chaver out there, caring and understanding, who is waiting to hear from me after Yom Tov. To know if I fell or not. Is it an uncomfortable feeling? Yes. Very. I recoil from it, to be honest. But I feel integrated. I feel a wholeness. Because the whole me is standing with awareness, (and humility), in from of Hashem, wrapped in my new Tallis. That's what this site and my new accountability Chaveirim are doing for me. Don't have the right words to thank you yet.

Please forgive a terrible analogy: I no longer want to be a posed and poised, perfectly airbrushed, alluring image of myself. I want to be 3 dimensional and real, all of me fully integrated and aware. Knowing, struggling and working, strengths and weaknesses, challenges and accomplishments, Uvacharta BaChaim - Lemaan TICHYEH - I am Chaim and I want to LIVE. I want to feel the Chaim that is in a life of bechira towards Tov. Making smart choices, acting not reacting, my Neshoma feeling it all. I feel a different texture to the fabric of my life now. Got to keep it up. But, yeah. It's uncomfortable too. 

[Yes, I am aware that many of these points echo Cordnoy's early post. I thanked him already. Thank you again.]

Here's a final thought, maybe a little Chizzuk, it was for me and want to share.

We all called out Naaseh Vinishmah. Joyously proclaiming words of Kabala that the entire universe was waiting for hear!
But then Hakadosh Boruch Hu had to hold a mountain over our heads to get us to finish our Kabala, because it wasn't entirely complete that first time (many different Pshatim in the Meforshim about what was missing). And even that commitment wasn't solidified entirely until after the subsequent Kabala in the time of Purim - Hadar Kibluah. There's a powerful message here, I think:
We see that TRUE Kabalas Hatorah is a beautiful muti-layered thing.
I make Kabalos, and I mean them sincerely. But there is more to do. I am still a work in progress. Here I have learned this: The first Kabala is totally real - the whole universe has been waiting for it, eagerly. Even though there's another Kabala I need to make afterwards. That's a big Chizzuk.

I hope Hashem gives me a lifetime to keep climbing higher. I hope and daven that I don't mess up. That I continue to deepen my relationship with my Neshoma, with Him, with His Torah, to keep making new Kabalos. I want to be a Tzaddik. I am working on it, one step at a time. Maybe I, maybe we together, will actually get somewhere.

Ken Yehi Ratzon.                

I'm impressed and Mechuzak. Kol HaKovod!

I recognize the "itch" you speak about too well.  

I think as we work on being aware of and sensitive to these, becoming more self-aware, we become more aware of patterns and subtleties, etc.

Life is becoming richer, being lived with greater awareness, thought, acting instead of reacting. I can only speak for myself, but perhaps it's the same for you, Chaver. This is rewarding above and beyond the simplicty of being "clean".
It's about a new level of Chaim. Uvacharta Bachayim.... Limaan TICHYEH!

Rooting for you! (and davening too)

Happiness requires commitment instant gratification does not 

Excellent post!

Exciting (and slightly embarrassing) post here:
I just needed the bathroom, and as is my wont, I was itching to bring my phone with me to listen to a new podcast. I was not going to watch porn, but I wanted my phone with me. I wanted to use it. Period. Anyway, I decided not to (hurray for me). Anyway, I finished in the bathroom and realized I am going to need to be there for a longer time. I tucked myself in, washed my hands and was about to leave to get my phone and come back when I realized what I was doing. I almost couldn't believe myself. To be sure, I've done this kind of thing before, but perhaps after putting an emphasis on my behavior the last few weeks I was more astonished at myself. I finished up without my phone and survived the experience just fine. I realized, now I have something to write about, and maybe this will become a problematic behavior in time, but for now this is a great outlet.