joejew1234 wrote on 13 Dec 2023 05:42:

It's a disease. This disease is in OUR minds. It IS our minds. It's a voice, telling us that lust is something that we want. That lust is a solution to our problems, that it'll make us feel good. But that voice IS NOT ME!! It's the disease talking.

For some people, the voice is really loud. Especially when we're in a bad groove. When we're in fall, it's so hard to separate the strong feelings and identify them as sick ones.

But every time we desist, with Hashem's help, the sick voices shrink back a little bit. Some of us can even go for a long time having the voice be really quiet, not bothering us much.

But this is what we need to do. We tell those voices: "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I've seen you before. I know what you're trying to do! Quiet down please; I'm trying to live! You've made me so miserable!"

R' Aharon Leib Shteinman z"l once said that the place to daven for lust addiction is in "refa'enu", not 'Hashivaynu", or "slach lanu". This is very important to remember.

Let us surrender this disease and all our negative traits. And let us - the REAL us - connect with Hashem. It's a tremendous pity if we feel too guilty to even allow ourselves to get closer to Him, which is what we really want! Let us love Hashem. Let us feel loved by Him.

Welcome to the family! As Markz likes to say, the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. See the video in his signature (if it's still there..)

This takes such internal strength and fortitude.
You are amazing!!
Thanks for the Chizzuk!

true_self wrote on 04 Dec 2023 11:51:

Amazing clarity. The writings of a healthy brain. You are an inspiration for all of us.

Day 65 - Numbers don't really matter for me that much (if at all), what matters most is every single day/hour/minute/moment that I'm in "LIVING" mode instead of "SURVIVING" mode.

Saw my therapist again. Was a productive session. Spoke about my lately  decreased  sexual drive (and my wife's increased), we assume that once upon-a-time (in da good old days as they like to say) I used to fuel my drive with porn and all other forms of lust so while I ended up with a booming drive my wife as result of my lusting which she intuited felt disconnected (understatement) and therefore had little interest, now that I'm detoxing from my lust my drive is deflating maybe even to the other extreme and my wife feels that I'm more attentive and connected to her emotionally and therefore gained interest in being  intimate, I can seize this situation to to focus on giving her emotionally (i.e. telling her how I feel before she asks).
Also discussed addiction, he claims that addict or not is just a label and not that significant, the motto should be whatever helps.
Regarding stress I will work on my relationship with Hashem while continuing to do my hishtadlus.
Will also look into the 12 steps as it can't harm, started reading Dr. A. J. Twerski's book "Teshuvah through recovery".
As unproductivity and not feeling good with myself is the biggest cause for my unwanted behaviors (that I disclosed) I will continue to fill my schedule with more productivity (Resumed study, some learning for chanukah....). Previously we had discussed "perfectionism", all or nothing, something that prevents me alot from doing what I should. (This post (or all) would not be written if I would be makpid on it being perfect for my English is far from perfect....)
In preparation for the next session I'll paint a picture of who I want to be remembered as, who I admire can be the canvas. Next week we will plan a practical roadmap, what small steps should be done now.
Lot of work ahead but g-d's help I only need to start, לא עליך המלאכה לגמור ולא" "אתה בן חורין להיבטל ממנה.

I opted for the same strategy last time we were on the rotation, for 9 credit hours in 8 weeks but burned myself out pretty bad on top of the workload. Getting addicted to a few series on e-book has been a much less stressful way to kill time this week for me. Hopefully that turns out to be a good plan, keeps the mind occupied at least.

chancy wrote on 21 Nov 2023 17:47:

True! same here...back in the day I would read it endlessly, probably also as a way of escaping...

Along with some other things, such as:

​The tons of other books I've read 
Computer games
Videos
News
Food
Radio
GYE (sometimes)

And many other things.

Although for some people, it can simply be something they've enjoyed and not necessarily an escape that equals sex addiction....

By the way, in case anybody out there is wondering...no, I do not walk around with Harry Potter underwear....

It's just my little 'ole way of adding a little levity to the serious task at hand. 

Hold on...did someone say "Task"?

Im blown away. Just listened to Eli Nash and rabbi yy Jacobson talking about porn addiction. Thank you to hechochma for telling me about it. 
listen here 
845-201-1933 shiur number 8460

I didn’t respond to your earlier posts, friend.
I’m not sure I have much to say that you don’t already know. 

But after your last post I decided to share a thought. Because I was saddened too, that you fell. And not because it was a streak that you blew. Because I thought that maybe it didn’t have to happen. I know that might be either stupid or sanctimonious, but let me try to explain. I’m not going to yell. (Chancy really cares, BTW). But I’ll tell you what I really think. Hope that’s ok.  I also know that I may be completely wrong in my assessment. We’re on an anonymous forum and don’t really know each other, though I am trying my best and I care. But forgive me if I overstep. 

I think that you have far greater clarity than most. And after your initial euphoric and triumphant clean streak you discovered that a deeper part of you wasn’t impressed, wasn’t satisfied, and wasn’t placated by the results. You took a journey to try to figure out what you really want, what pornography and masturbation do for you and what they don’t do for you. How they help and how they maim and hurt. You’ve written about it more eloquently than I can. 

I agree with what you said. Apathy, to my personal thinking and experience, is the worst. You went through a long spell of apathy. And you’ve developed the awareness that it wasn’t your genuine feeling and desire, rather it’s a shield, a crutch and a way to be comfortably numb. “All and all it’s just another brick in the wall”. But you have tentatively taken steps to rip off that shield and lose that hiding place, because you have felt the truth that it’s not what you want.  

Through all this you are struggling to determine which is your real voice and which is the merely the posturing of perfection, the image of the brilliant projection of self you can generate, the “sound of silence”, the  Geist that comes from part of you but isn’t the whole story- whom I suspect you may be trying hard to stop having to live with all the time, because he’s exhausting…. I think I’m reading you right, please forgive me if I err. 

You’ve written a heartbreaking letter to porn acknowledging how hard it is to break up with such an enchanting, toxic mistress. But you’ve asked for help from on High, from inside, and even from us. You’ve taken real steps and I think that breakup is what you want.

It’s bloody difficult. I don’t even begin to know the extent of your specific challenges. I’ve got mine own, and they are enough for me to know how hard it is to walk away from something that you want. If you’re an addict that’s another layer of gritty, cold and broken, slogging challenge. May be too hard. 

But here’s what I think. You, today, ought to be smart enough to use some even some “dumb” tools too, in order to have a chance of getting what you want. You understand how these tools work. Utilizing them, from within the place you are in today wouldn’t necessarily be moving backwards in your journey... So why aren’t you? I don’t need to understand, I’ve already stepped over the line. But I’m writing to make sure that you’ve thought about this part enough. 

Ok, enough from me. 
And I’m connecting a little to the pain behind the posts and it hurts so just wanted to tell you that I’m here. 

מאן דבעי חיים

To simply answer the question of why I don't do more to filter everything, burn every bridge, jump into the deep end (what's in the deep end?), etc., is that I'm addicted to it. Not in the sense that it controls my day-to-day life but I don't want to fully let it go.

Here's what I find curious.

In the close to two years that I've been active on GYE, I've been pretty open about my porn and masturbation patterns. Recently, I had a long apathy spell, during which I acted out daily. But, in all that time, I don't think I've ever encountered such fiery rhetoric regarding my peculiar behavior. I don't mind the crying and yelling, I'm just wondering, what happened now that triggered this? Am I worse off now than I was six months ago? Is that the reason behind the storm? Did I just hit rock bottom?

The only thing I can think of is that leading up I haven't watched porn for about seven weeks and then, bam, three times in less than twelve hours. Oy vey. I lost my streak. How very painful that is. It already looked so promising. Just as I was going places, I erased my progress with my stupidity and negligence of not having proper filters.

Let me remind y'all I don't have a counter. I couldn't care less about having a long streak. If there ever was a time that I needed a good wake-up call, it was when I was riding the apathy. Where I am now, nothing is erased.

Peace and love.

baalnisayon wrote on 05 Nov 2023 19:56:

Quite the wonderful first post!

Hi Holy Yoely
This is my first posting and this the first  time I am saying; I have been there and done that  but the done is not over. The cycle just repeats and repeats despite how far I think I have climbed and it can be instantaneous. I had a Shabbos where I was able to learn over six hours.; I was on a high. A few hours later I was on the street. I feel that sometimes I can identify what I call the point of no return, which to me means that "acting out" is a given and I feel I can't stop it. Can anyone identify with that feeling? Please let me know. (By the way over the years I have tried religious therapists to help me through the rough times and have been told countless times that I am not an addict and no need to join SA.)
As I am scrolling though and seeing other people's challenges, I feel that 99% of the participants are Boruch Hashem JUST struggling with thoughts and keyboard actions. I wish you all Hatzlacha in recognizing the issues at the Machshava stage and am mispallel that you will win the battle now. it is much  harder at a later stage. I am not belittling the Shemiras Aynaim challenge in any form. Each time I leave the house, it is a struggle. Just   to get to shul is sometimes as bad as a stroll on the boardwalk.
The Vayemaen videos are helpful and I try and tell myself what is passing me is blood and fat or the complete lack of tznius means there are two dogs waking past me but one is not on a leash. then I try and physically stop and ask Hashem ; look I turned my eyes away because You said so. A soldier in an army does what the platoon commander orders . I did it even though I really wanted to look. Now You please help me in the next 24 hours not to look, not to think and not to do what I know You don't want me doing. Not always is the answer  positive.
​Yoely we all are Holy. I just read a secularist comment accordingly,  by saying "G-d don't make no junk". He is on the mark but i am sure he has no understanding of what it really means.
I know the feeling of going into shul and looking around and say there are 60 people here and perusing them one by one and thinking him, that guy, that Bochur that..... he can't relate to even 5% of what I am going through. His nisyonos aren't anything compared to mine. Why can't I have it that way too? But that is wrong. I don't know what his nisyonos are and I don't want them. My syllabus here on this world is tailor made for me. If I veer from it and try and take a course made for someone else; not only will I probably fail but at the grading time at  120,  my transcript will show that I did not earn enough credits to graduate. 
​My friends, we all want to graduate and we need to study hard and put into practice the lessons we have learned. GYE helps to fill the void in both the course material and how to put it into practice. I am struggling as a newbie in taking further steps. Any chizuk is welcome. I apologize for the long discourse; but thank you for letting me post.

adam2014 wrote on 03 Nov 2023 11:59:

Welcome!

Let's start with this.

Why do you want to stop? For real, like today. (How) does porn usage negatively effect you in a concrete, tangible way? 

mount... wrote on 03 Nov 2023 00:09:

If I may share some insights that might help you...

"1- I enjoy it (it gives me enjoyment, excitement, and satiates my curiosity) and I don't want to give up the pleasure for good."
If we give ourselves the choice of either enjoying the pleasure of lust or not giving ourselves the pleasure, we are in for a struggle: Enjoy or don't enjoy? A plate of ice cream or an empty plate? Instead, what we have to do is realize the positive benefits of guarding our kedusha, the tremendous zechus that we can gain from it. If we do that, now we have a choice between one pleasure and another pleasure, between a plate of delicious treife ice cream which will eventually make us sick, or a geshmake seudas Shabbos with our families. That is a much easier choice to make.

"2- I don't want to be restricted for the rest of my life by having to always hold myself back from my desires. "
When a person can’t control his actions, he becomes a slave to the Yetzer Hara. But if we break free from lust, we will find real FREEDOM from all our obsessions and be able to serve Hashem properly.   A person can lose his freedom and be a slave to himself, to his habits and negative character traits.When I am a slave to my desires,  it FEELS like I am happy - but it's only a dimyon - an artificial image of the true happiness. Who doesn't feel good to sin? "Ain adam chotay v’lo lo". But it's not the REAL happiness. The real happiness is when I am what Hashem created me for - and we can ONLY reach that stage when we become subservient to Hashem. That's when we become truly free, truly happy, and truly who we are.

"3- P&M helps me regulate my emotions and clear my head, and I don't know if I can cope without it." 
Addiction teaches us to rationalize and justify. Over time we get really good at making excuses for ourselves to act out and we keep buying into our own lies. Be smarter than your brain. We all need to vent at some point, so do it positively. Slipping back into harmful habits when times get tough is only going to make things tougher.Look around at your life to find the excuses you are using. Make a list and keep it with you. When one of these rationalizations creeps into your thoughts, you will be able to recognize and dismiss it. And remember, thinking of these things doesn’t make you perverted or bad. In fact, as we start to sift through thoughts and rely on the ones that support our recovery, we will find more trust and confidence in ourselves.

"4- It's familiar and a comfort.​"
Addiction can build seemingly normal routines into our lives that can be really hard to break. Sometimes our triggers are based on a time of day, a location, or even something as simple as a sound. It might sound crazy but there are things in our lives that inadvertently become related to our addiction. These types of triggers are powerful and can easily turn into part of our daily routines. Recognize the difference between a normal, healthy routine and one that your addiction has created. Also try to learn to live with discomfort, it won't REALLY kill you, even though it will FEEL like it's killing you. A real human being always has a little discomfort - in staying away from what comes natural to him, but is really bad for him.


Be patient with yourself - these things take time. But at the same time, don't fool yourself - you know if you're progressing or not.

Hi all,

I have been lurking in the shadows of GYE for a number of years and just in the last month or so, came into the light and started posting. I see that my posts are all over the place and decided to start a new Topic about me and my struggles and not hijack other peoples threads. 

My story is simple and unfortunately common. I am in my 50's and happily married with two amazing kids and I am addicted to P and M. Have been for decades and I see it getting worse. My sex life with my wife is almost non-existent at this point as my focus is on P and M. It is easily available, never says no, never judges my performance, and gives me the variety that a 30+ year marriage doesn't. I am also going down a slippery slope in regards to the types of porn I am watching, they are getting darker and darker and things that in the past would have disgusted me are now things that I seek out. That scares me! 

I come for a non-orthodox home and do not live in an observant neighborhood. I live in a town that if I had to say is mostly Reform and Conservative Jews. I hate putting labels on Jews, because a Jew is a Jew and their level of observance does not mean they are Less-Jewish than anyone else. I just say this for context so you know where I am at. 

I am hesitant to call myself a Baal Teshuva, but I have greatly increased my observance in the last 8 years after my first trip to Israel. I still have a long way to go (like everyone) but HaShem has blessed me in so many ways and if this struggle was taken away, I think that I could climb so much higher. Maybe this is the final Nisayon that is holding me back? I don't know... only HaShem knows.

I am working though the F2F program and chatting with a few on you guys online. I am still not ready to speak on the phone about it. Hashem Help Me as graciously sent me his number and told me to call him anytime. He will be my first call when I get the courage. 

I want to limit the technology in my life and try to give myself a little advantage in this fight. I work in IT so I am surrounded by Smartphones and unfiltered computers all day. I am trying to get rid of my personal smartphone and use a dumb phone. I want to do it for a few reasons. One, it is the first choice that I go to when I want to act out. Second, every time that I pull it out of my pocket it will be a reminder of the battle that I am in. I know that it is far from the only problem I am facing, but I think that both logistically and symbolically it will greatly enhance my chances.

At this point 7 days is my best, with normally 2 to 3 days seems to be the norm. 

That is my story and would appreciate any thoughts, ideas, prayers, well wishes or any kind of inspiration you guys could give. This website seems to be full of amazing people and would like to get to know as many of you as possible.