Hey everyone, I'm (sorta) new here. I just checked in tonight on the 90 day chart to mark my 12th day clean and BH going strong! As a single guy in shidduchim, I felt it is extremely needed that I take this major step and to break free of my past addictions. In particular, I haven't touched a cigarette in well over three years, and I also haven't smoked weed for approximately two months now. And now this. Baruch Hashem, I finally feel like my life is finally coming together, and that I am finally able to marry the RIGHT girl, and ultimately build a beautiful family IY"H!!! If you ever see me online, feel free to start a private chat, the best time is at night. I spend my time reading the different forums at night rather than doing "other stuff." That's my personal method.

Nu? So, are you going to add any thoughts??

As for me, I finally got a notebook to do my step 1 inventory...and I'm seeing from my behavior how much of an attention addict I am. 

Someone at a recent meeting shared a reminder to himself that all of these actions are a twisting of the desire to connect with God - and that he CAN replace these things with God.

Hi there! Check out curethecraving.com. It's not a group, and is not affiliated with GYE. It's a nine month program for porn addiction recovery, it's free, and it is truly life changing. The program is done anonymously. For me, it was the gateway into recovery. For those who are already in recovery, the life strategies offered by CTC really help to boost an SA program. There are some amazing tools that you can get access to, such as the 21-day "Water Weed and Repeat" course. Watch the video introduction. 

​My plan for recovery includes some very basic activities that we often neglect, because we don't associate them to recovery:

1.  a mandatory daily walk, not for exercise but for getting in touch with my inner self. Even 5 minutes is OK, but I take the walk!

2. Good sleeping habits. If the body is out of balance, then the cravings can come up.

3. Likewise, a healthy diet. Not too much caffeine and sugar. 

4.doing healthy activities that provide the dose of serotonin, dopamine, and adrenaline that my body craves. All of these are produced through porn, so we need a healthy replacement. For me, that means music groups, nature hikes. Exercise is great for many people. Meditation produces serotonin.

5. Journaling as a way to be in touch with the inner self.

6. VERY IMPORTANT. I made an audio recording in my own voice of 12 positive affirmations, and dubbed it over some Mozart music. I listen to it for 15 minutes each day. After keeping with this for several weeks, my negative inner voice went away and my new positive voice became my inner dialogue.

7. Weekly check-in with my partner in shmiras ainayum. 

8. Daily calls to a group forum.

9. Helping others in recovery.

10. Being constant dialogue with Hashem, not just about the hard stuff but Abbott the tremendous gratitude that I have for everything in my life. Gratitude. Feel Hashem love for us! Appreciate his world, and be in the flow of life!

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all please take time to read through the GYE handbook.  No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and my own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

I'm 25, addicted from 12 yrs old. I'm in the earliest stages of recovery at the time of writing, and I'm a total mess. I guess I'm on level 2, because the first one involved admitting that I need help, and seeking it. I have sustained many traumatic brain injuries; my concussion count is now reaching 25-30(est.).

Most of my recent struggles have been insomnia and headaches, but deep down I know I'm truly whole,; to separate my addiction from my injuries is counterintuitive. I used porn as a painkiller of emotion I was avoiding expressing: love, empathy, forgiveness, kindness. Love in my ability to touch people, and be nurtured in return. Empathy in seeing myself in others. Forgiveness, in crying; weeping for forgiveness towards myself, and receiving joy. Kindness, to sparkle.

All of these things I am afraid of. I am afraid that I will never heal, physically, mentally, emotionally. But I intend to. I just cried a lot and I'm feeling optimistic 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 01 Mar 2017 19:01:

Good thinkin'.

Sometimes we may ask ourselves: why does he annoy us? What have we contributed to this situation? Is there somethin' we can do to rectify itI? If it so happens that it's all because of him, then we ask: what is wrong with us that we allow him to get under our skin? Then, we go from there.

Does that make sense?

B'hatzlachah

Day 19: The self-interested case for shmiras einayim: Seeing certain things can make one feel so uncomfortable. Hanging around a bakery is going to make someone on a diet feel uncomfortable even if they know there is no way they are going to eat that cheesecake sitting on the shelf.

I've discovered the secret of life and I'd like to share it with you. Ok, maybe not the secret, but I think it's a neat little life-hack. 

I get annoyed sometimes. Sometimes it's over legitimate concerns other times it's over something completely illogical. For example, I have a roommate who just annoys me by his being around. He didn't do anything to me and he's not a bad guy. When he's around I just get this primitive- like feeling of aggression. (Maybe it comes from wanting my own space, perhaps he makes me feel self-conscious.)

For a while, I was upset at myself for having these feelings. After all, what type of guy doesn't like someone for no reason at all? Then, I changed my approach.

I decided that his presence was not going to annoy me anymore. So when I would start to get these feelings, I'd just tell myself, I'm not going to be bothered/annoyed by this. Crazily, this actually works. 

I think the reason it does is that we have ideas in our minds of what annoys us, what we can't stand, perhaps a certain noise, like people talking, or a smell or whatever. But most of these things probably aren't that bad, so can just decide ok, this ain't gonna bother me. 

BTW does anyone have a link/source for the study about how it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the brain? 

Just to append to the above (in lieu of editing, because I want another post in my post count), about stopping before dealing with deeper issues, Rav Twerski says in "Teshuva through Recovery" that he agrees addiction is a primary disease, and even if based on deep psychological issues, must be addressed independently. I've heard Dov mirror these thoughts as well. 

Guess just bringing more ra'ayos.

Shlomo24 wrote on 28 Feb 2017 05:02:

When I'm sick I feel guilty for being sick. Don't know why. It's a problem because my addiction is a disease therefore I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I beat myself up about being sick, so... 

And yeah sick times are privy for acting out. um, just gotta know it's also Ratzon Hashem

GuardMyEyes26 wrote on 28 Feb 2017 04:10:

II have no idea if you're addicted or not.
I don't know much about the y"h either.
The one thin' I do know, I think, is that excuses or blamin' or givin' in will get nobody anywhere, no matter what.

So, continue the positive attitude please.

B'hatzlachah

GuardMyEyes26 wrote on 28 Feb 2017 04:10:

I'm confused what is an addict and what not. Listen to this dov shop and if you're addicted to gye come back and let me know what you think 

You know what, I think you are right, I am not an addict i am just a guy with a normal Yetzer Hara.
I have no right to just give in to my Y"H and blame it on addiction because i am not addicted, its just an excuse. Thank you for pointing that out.

Wow it's been a while... gotta blow the dust and cobwebs outta here... *cough cough*

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Dov wrote on 27 Feb 2017 23:35:

Wait a minute... so S stands for "straight"? Then what does G stand for? And all you have to do is change my letter in your phone???

1) In a very basic way, an addict being powerless means that he or she is unable to really enjoy a little of a drug without eventually having to go farther with it than he really wants to. The drug or the behaviors he engages in must be troubling him enough for him to feel that he cannot continue to live this way, but still does, even though he tries things like GYE, therapy, yiddishkeit, getting married - and even masturbating himself to 'get over it already' - yet still continues to use the drug again or ends up living in a way that he finds repugnant in order to fight it.

Typically addicts find that over time they get worse: progression. Though getting worse may be misunderstood by the addict him or herself because we tell ourselves that "The fact that I do xyz less often means I'm getting better!" - while the desperation may actually have increased, or the behaviors around xyz and become more risky and the lies we conjure to cover our tracks become more extreme. Addicts also find they experience withdrawal without the drug, which in a religious person might be covered up using ecstatic Teshuva feelings that are amazing - but actually lead to acting lust out again even worse (see a post called "The Nuclear Reset Button" for more on that, if you like).

2) Gevalt, chaver, why do you say that addicts need real friends but normals do not? How do you know that you - I always assume you are normal - are just too ashamed of yourself and your behaviors to do what is good for you? Besides, R' Elimelech of Lizhensk was certainly not talking to addicts when he wrote in #13 of his famous Tzet'l Kotton to speak to a real live friend, davka being completely open with him, and "V'al tchached shum dovor mipnei habusha." Could you possibly think that when o chavrusa o misusa was said it meant virtual friends? 

Jeff Foxworthy tells a great joke, "You might be a redneck if you've ever proposed for marriage from a payphone." Do you get that? Or do you figure that virtual is 'basically the same as real'. Everyone knows there is a huge difference here - and that is precisely why you and others avoid it.

Finally, (and worstly) there is surely a reason that phone sex does not constitute a kosher kiddushin. (admit that was funny)

The issue with being real and in person is not just an embarrassment issue. It's far deeper. Please read a post called "The Captain Kirk Moment" about this. GYE is great for a start - but the only thing I am really sharing with anyone here is the bad stuff about myself...that is half the story and gives little context to the bad stuff, hence little meaning so it remains tolerable. But if people - the one or two safe people you agreed to meet in person to come clean and start being honest - saw you and knew you and your life circumstances and reality, then the meaning of all that "zera levatolo and schmutz I saw again" is completely different! And we all know that that would really be 'forcing'  the two "you's" into the same room - the room being the clarity in the other person's mind. And that's what everyone wants to avoid. Not what we do, but the context of it that gives the true reality of it, is the core of the shame.

And addicts who have really hit bottom, overcome that shame with their pain and therefore get together with other real addicts face to face to get sobriety. We have no choice. This is what Chaza"l mean when they say "Hashem sent us allthe meviim and nevios to exhort Klal Yisroel -- and it all failed until Achashveirosh handed his ring over to Homon!"

True pain, real pain, is the only teacher, not all the Torah and neviim in the world. The Chaza"l is not saying Haman is better than Torah! And this Chaza"l is the simple answer to people who say "How can 12 steps work better than Torah, chas veSholom?!" Umm...Chaza"l believe that Haman apparently works better than all the neviim (including Moshe Rabbeinu, btw). Pain is the great teacher. The addict - and the non-addict - sho is not yet willing to do whetever it really takes to get better and still has 'standards', just has not suffered enough yet, that's all.

3) S file in my phone is for guys who are SA members (a worldwide 12 step lust recovery group) and the G file is for the contacts I have who are strictly GYE members. I am proud of the ones who are GYE friends I have who are not addicts and do not move to recovery like SA, for example - but many do choose to make that move and when it happens, I switch their first letter to keep 'em straight, that's all. So far it's dozens in both categories.

SA and 12 steps is certainly not for everyone and not even for every addict. But I just share and keep things as clear as i am able be"H to anyone who wants to hear about it and consider it. Not a giant deal, really. Love is the main thing that's needed, not much more. 

Thanks. There's been pain in my life, but there's been allot of beauty also. The suffering we go through is only because Hashem really loves us. He gives us a brief opportunity in this life to do the work to perfect our souls. For reasons I don't understand this is what He chose for me.

We should always feel really good about manifesting kavod shamayim within ourselves and in our life work at all times, and in all places. We have to use our struggles with addiction as opportunities for perfecting ourselves, doing so with compassion for our failings and determination to improve. When we do that, we increase the flow of love into our hearts. Kavod shamayim increases, we feel like we are in the flow of life, and what was previously disguised as suffering becomes a source of blessing.