hello to everyone  i subscribe last week to this website becuase i want to share my story, i need help and i want to help other people too.

i am 25 years old now.

september 2016 my recovery to this problem started but before that at around age 5 i started strugglin in porn.. i started playing with my body and i kept in that for several years... i think that affected my whole life! as a kid i was very shy, not good self esteem, didnt have to many friends and lonely all the stress that i felt at that moment when i got home from school i locked on my room and watch porn for many hours lost lot of family time too and i didnt had a great connection with my parents so they never knew what was going on with me.... after highschool 2008 i meet my first girlfriend! i started hanging out a little more and i was feeling better with my social life but didnt stop with the struggle basically i started having 2 lifes.... after few months my girlfriend broke with me becuase she want to finsh higschool... then i meet the girl that i want it to meet my whole life... lets say the love of my life.... i started dating her 2010 (she was not from my country) and eventually we got married 2012 of course i never told her about my problem not just that i thought that marrying her could help me fix my problme but that never happened i still struglle heavily with addiction until  she got me.. she forgive me and i told her i never do that again but still addction to strong and i didnt stop so she got me the second time and she wanted to divorce 2014 my addicton beat me at that time i was scared i lost her and i lost everithing... i had her in front of my eyes and i couldnt accept that i was struggling with porn... i was scared that she tell the whole comunity the truth about our divorce ...i couldnt talk and do anything to save my marriage i just let her go and kept with my life going... so last year i started having bad feelings about what my life was and i started battling for a change...so december 2016 the first thing i did was talk to a psychologist like for 3 sessions i admitted that i was wrong and accepted that i had a problem that i need to work on to change and be a better person and i felt i needed to give me a second chance because i have all my life infront of me and i couldnt waste it..i also started connecting with god and that gave me great power to fight the struggle... after that i talk to my parents and i told them the truth.. start making things right and here i am BH fighting everyday with the struggle with this big challenge but happy too because thats life we have to battle every day to be a better person and the most important thing to know ourselves i try to clear my mind of everything and focus on the things i like...

may good bless everyone here and give power to beat this struggle!With love and patience, nothing is impossible

#81
Ihavenostrength wrote on 21 Mar 2017 18:54:




Hashem Help Me wrote on 22 Mar 2017 01:35:

silentbattle wrote on 22 Mar 2017 04:07:

How true that is.

My second sponsor drilled that into me. Our disease (or whatever you call it) makes us forget everythin'. Which is why logic is not a prerequisite for recovery, and it, in fact, can be a detriment as well.

workingmyprogram wrote on 21 Mar 2017 16:19:

I used to punish myself when things were going too well and i was 'very' happy with some p & m.
How dare i be so happy!
More importantly I would say is learning how to deal with the ups and the downs.
As my therapist said, you can't have only good feelings and suppress the bad feelings. You need to be able to truck through all the different times by getting to know yourself.
IMO Real simcha comes from knowing and feeling you are doing the right things in Hashems eyes by doing His Will.

tiger wrote on 22 Mar 2017 01:54:

Dov suggests writing out your Step 1. All the dark stuff. This is for addicts and non-addicts alike. And maybe when you feel you're invincible, then go over it and see what you've done ..

so many things to say...

1. I think PG movies are very inappropriate. PG stands for parental guidance. Conventionally, this could mean that parents need to watch these movies with their children to explain more difficult ideas. Personally, I think the parents themselves need guidance to have let their children watch this junk in the first place.
2. Would you go to Russia if someone were there wanting to kill you? (PS: it's a little bigger than Italy, perhaps a little more litvish too) :-)
3. Never wanting to do it again... it sounds very dramatic. The addict's best tool is drama. Thunder and lightning in the background, tense violin processes as you audaciously click that forbidden link. The fate of the world rests in your hands. The dance for eternity. Do you pull out? Perhaps the Devil has sunken his teeth in too deeply, for now...   ...                      ie just try live today. Who cares about tomorrow?

Singularity wrote on 16 Mar 2017 08:37:

Ten years? How about 2 weeks? Our disease constantly tries to remind us of the fleeting, good sensations, while making us forget the consequences, the way we felt afterwards

tiger wrote on 22 Mar 2017 01:54:

As a non addict addict, I don't have this problem
I guess youre a nonanon

Congratulations on where you are up to. Amazing to watch your progress. Great that you are not being hard on yourself about the exercise, learning, etc. Sometimes we take our addictive tendencies and become obsessed with recovery. Super that you have not fallen into this trap.

I hope you realize that it's the yetzer hora that makes one feels "they lost their entire savings". We need to focus on all those days, all those minutes, that we were omeid b'nisayon and remain proud of that accomplishment come what may. We have to internalize that we remained clean for a long stretch and we can do it again if necessary. A psychologist here in Brooklyn told me that m**** makes people feel dirty (besides the physical getting dirty) and that's why we get down so much from it. But we cannot allow "one bad day to bring us down so much and mess up past gains".

You are BH doing great and b'ezras Hashem will continue doing so. You have a strong support team here and Hashem is celebrating with you every minute.

Can I recommend one more thing: Be Happy! Nothing gives the addict a knock out punch like some genuine happiness! Who needs porn when life is good???

Maybe this true real lifemashal can explain it. Tonight I really want to have sex with my wife. She has a rotten cold. So I simply wont do it. Even though if I intimated I need it I know she would agree to have relations. Why? Don't I need the release? Too bad - it's not all about me. It's painful. I really want it - but finally I realize I don't "need" it. So I can be a real man and control myself with Hashem's help. It's the same with masturbation. As desperate as I am for it, my other "partner", Hashem, says no. So I will just have to find another way to release that stress. Hatzlocha to all.

My triggers are 99% when I am unhappy.

It is hard for me to give advice for people who struggle when happy.

My guess is a Dopamine addiction?
That substance which the brain craves when we are exposed to porn, which porn triggers.

It is a hard fight to cure it.

I think the main battle is to be aware of when one is feelign like masturbating, one can feel a sort of aexcited rush in the body.

If one give sin and even looks at porn and masturbates a little, one can feel the dopamine release in the brain.

Somehow one has to beat that urge.

I guess by doing some other activity...walk outside in the fresh air, read a book, phone a friend and see how you can help then with their troubles?

I agree that sex cannot be compared to other addictions, namely gambling, alcohol and narcotics, because they are "learned" or "acquired".
I have argued this on here in the past.

As Watson points out though, sex can be compared to an eating addiction, because both are normal natural drives which can become misused and so ruin a person's life.

Both need a normal healthy way of use.

In the case of sex, it is within a loving relationship.

I agree I have a drive to masturbate, but if I carry it out, I feel soulless and guilty afterwards.
I also usually carry it out as an antidote to stress or emotional pain.
That cannot be a good thing.

Hakolhevel wrote on 20 Mar 2017 14:41:

I haven't done any formal step work or SA. I opened up to a close friend who works in the counseling field with exposure to various addictions. got cold feet a few times when trying to tell him. Finally on the phone I said I wanted to discuss "something" before we hung up. At that point he was so curious that every tme we spoke he repeatedly asked me what was up until I spit it all out. 

farblunjet wrote on 20 Mar 2017 17:40:

II spent hours debatin' this with my significant others. It was a lot of fun.