TzedekChaim wrote on 23 Apr 2017 18:10:

Totally agree as an obsessive thinker I love both of your posts!

lionking wrote on 23 Apr 2017 17:35:

Lionking - this quote is to override your delete button ;-)

If your name is anything to do with movies, you may want to join the sefira thread

On a separate note, how's your non-sexual relationship with lionqueen

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Apr 2017 04:23:

Thank you. Exactly something i needed to hear. Seems to me that every time I reach a conclusion about something that was on my mind I look on your thread and what do you know, you have already expressed it so eloquently. So thank you. 

Hi Everyone,
I have just registered as a new user since I wanted to really start a new leaf. I have been in and out of GYE for the past 5 years. For the most part I've been a lurker with approximately 70-80 posts in that timeframe. I feel like I can use a new identity which hopefully can inspire a real change within me.
I really don't need any standard introduction packages which are usually sent to newcomers, since I've been here browsing through the forums for years. Before I share my story, I would like to thank a bunch of members for their inspiration and especially cordnoy for his honest down to earth posts which are a great inspiration to all of us.
First a little background about me, I aspire to be a Chassidishe Yingerman in actions and spirit not only in affiliation. I'm currently happily married with kids for close to a decade. I have been introduced to sex and porn when I was a small child of about 10-11 by some classmates. Being that I never had a close personal relationship with anyone, I never shared this with anyone. I was too scared to open up to my Parents about it. I became accustomed (addicted?) to masturbating and occasionally looking at porn. I must end this post now, this is too much sharing for one sitting. I'm afraid if I keep going I'll press the cancel button instead of submit. I will try to keep posting and truckin'.

AI letter I wrote to rabbi taub at ami magazine over a year ago:

Good morning Rabbi Taub,

Firstly, as a senior member of guard your eyes and one who has been involved in recovery for several years, allow me to thank you for the hundreds of people you help bring closer to sobriety. Your insight, suggestions, and recordings are constantly used and applied by many, and it is extremely productive.

I read your response last week to the girl in her twenties who was recovering from an internet abuse addiction. I appreciate your thoughtful and eloquent response, and it may very well be the correct one.

Allow me please to present a slightly different spin on it, but first, let me tell you that I am speaking solely from experience. I am not a professional at all, nor do I have any psychology background. I have been similarly addicted for several decades and have been involved in active recovery for several years. B"H, by the grace of God, thru the help of therapists, meetings, friends, 12-step-program, and to the wonderful chevra of GYE, I consider myself sober - for the moment. I work with tens of addicts on a daily basis and I conduct a call several times a week, where we actively work the 12-step-program, in addition to other methods.

What I have found, in myself, and by others, is that the urges that come about at a later time are not simply the plot of the yetzer, but rather, this is the addiction itself. I am not smart enough to know how the yetzer hara mixes into our addiction, but I do know that the methods of combating the yetzer hara are not the ones that work for us. Many of us have tried learning more mussar, speaking to our rabbeim and mashgichim, devoting more time and dedication into our tefillah, but to no or little avail. We needed to learn how to live life again. We were and are a selfish bunch, and we are part of a group which harbors resentments, we are extremely self centered, unusually jealous and very isolated. The steps taught us about connection - to God, our spouses, family and friends. It taught us to live outside of ourselves. And yes, the mussar, tefillah, Torah and mitzvos mean much more to us now.

So, to my point, if an urge happens upon us now, I/we understand that we did not vanquish the dragon. It is alive and well within us. But we learned that at those times, we need to reach out to God, our sponsors, our group, or friends to help us weather the storm. We use the tools of surrendering, praying and bringing the lust to light in order to suppress it. The moment we think that we have this beat, and we in fact are not powerless, but rather, we are powerful, and the urge is simply one of an ordinary person's yetzer hara, is the moment that the dragon will rear its big ugly head and ensnare us once again.

I wish her hatzlachah, and I wish all fellow strugglers continued hatzlachah in their recovery.

Thank you again for what you do.

C

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 23 Apr 2017 08:47:

It was in his book this week
The wink is because Rabbi Twersky speaks things that are very relevant to us non addicts / addicts and is a great book worth every penny

@shlomo24 You are very welcome. I always enjoy reading your posts. 

Day 71: I think I'm addicted to thinking. I saw a good quote: "Don't think too much. You will create a problem that wasn't even there." 

Gut voch! Shavua tov! 

Day 229 Baruch Hashem!!!

Lot of thoughts on my mind. Sometimes it can be really challenging to figure out what an issue actually is. What I mean is that sometimes I find myself going hopelessly in circles of thoughts, trying to figure it out (whatever that means). I think it may just be like was posted before by IHAVEnoSTRENGTH that there is no magical cure for me. There is no poof and its all better powder. There is no shortcuts to having a real, happy and meaningful life. And agonizing over it just makes it all the more difficult. Hoping that somehow somewhere out there there is a solution which when understood would just make everything go away. It's a lie. There are no shortcuts in life. or in LIFE. I think, like he suggests, its important to just put everything aside and just do the next right thing. That is all one is expected to do and that is all one can do. It is impossible to do more than that. This sounds easy, but its not. However, understanding the point is a big step towards implementing it so that's a plus Now the next step: making it real...

Another thing, I have been having fantasies of being with my kallah. Some of it curiousness as to the nature of the workings. Especially the night following the wedding. (I understand now why it is so important to not have a chasson shmuz too early since it paints [not that I have had one as of yet] too clear a picture that one, especially after having seen p**n and had many a lustful fantasy, run wild making up scenarios of what will be.) More and more they come up the thoughts. most of the time it takes me a little bit to realize that what I'm thinking of is just a lustful fantasy and not real. (usually the thoughts start with innocent thinking about her) and sometimes it just goes places it shouldn't) On one hand it's unbearable, on the other hand I recognize that it is a very difficult time since the body does want and needs a sexual release. (hardwired into the system. Yes I know I won't die if I don't have an outlet and viewing it as an outlet may not be the most helpful thing) Then when I have these thoughts it is very hard to separate out  good feelings for my kallah and lust ones. And I know that down the road after the wedding, all my holding back and surrendering will have to be put on the side. (though I guess surrendering to God is still part of it). I don't know what to do. I realize a lot of what I just wrote is full of contradictions and that may be because I am unsettled by the whole thing.

I have so much negative baggage in my mind surrounding sex and intimacy that to me it's like a dirty concept and I don't know how to deal with it emotionally. Upon logical consideration based on what I know I have come up with the following thought process. Or way of looking at it

• I know Hashem wants people to have children.
• There is only one way to do that.
• The designated way is through intimacy with one's wife. 
• the other goal of intimacy is for your wife's pleasure.
• To really give her pleasure I have to put my anxiety and negative baggage about the whole thing on the side. (it would be really helpful to just drop it off the truck, but it just seems to get thrown back in periodically )
• As advised by many wonderful chevra on GYE, If you focus on her you will find a lot of fulfillment and pleasure in the act.
• As a friend of mine said, real intimacy with ones wife is nothing at all comparable to p**n. I hope to try and clear the slate so that the "new" experience doesn't get bogged down with unnecessary bias.
• Therefore, the sum of the matter, sex is a good thing when done properly. That means, with your wife, when she is mutar, with the goal of having children and also pleasuring your wife.
• In terms of lust. I know fantasizing and lusting is not good, and poisonous to an addict. However, if one has no lust towards their wife, how can one be aroused. I don't know how to figure that one out. maybe there is a distinction to be made between bad/good lust or something else.

That is to the best of my knowledge the torah view of intimacy. I'm not the biggest chachum in the area (not even close, so please correct any of my misconceptions)

I just don't know what to do. Trucking it seems is the most important thing. Just keep surrendering and just because thoughts keep on coming as long as I surrender them when they come AND I did not intentionally bring them up then I'm good. The fact that they keep coming sometimes makes me think I am not really surrendering them. This I think makes me feel that surrendering is really hopeless because somewhere deep down inside of me I really crave lust. and when I surrender I am being disingenuous. I have come to the realization, whether correct or incorrect, that this attitude is probably wrong. I can be sincere about surrendering and wanting to recover, and at the same time also have a part of me that doesn't want to let go. Maybe the nefesh hasichli/nefesh habihami explanation for the contradictory desires.

Not giving up. Oh no, Siree!! Just got to keep up the good work! (hopefully will be able to reach my rebbe and discuss some of the past weeks points with him soon.)

Hatzlacha GYE! and thank you for the tremendous chizuk you give me by knowing there are listening ears out there who can hear me out.

ODAAT!!!!!!!!

bb0212 wrote on 21 Apr 2017 06:23:

Multiple choice response:

a: I think the release was when they stopped.
b: Tell that to McCain.
c: Whatever tickles your chopsticks.
d: For the torturer...

bb0212 wrote on 21 Apr 2017 06:10:

Sounds like torture to me.
But then so does looking at porn and ignoring the elephant in the trousers.

GrowStrong wrote on 21 Apr 2017 06:20:

Sometimes Chinese torture is a release...

bb0212 wrote on 21 Apr 2017 06:10:

Well now that we have been schooled in the laws of not causing an erection he only has to deal with when he has a natural one.
Seriously though, if it aint tantric and you cant orgasm, it sounds like Chinese Torture.
I just hope all the chopstick talk on the forum today didnt trigger anyone.

GrowStrong wrote on 20 Apr 2017 13:18:

The way I understood the OP's post, he wasn't referring to the Tantric ideology. Rather, he meant stopping before ejaculation/orgasm.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:12:

I said the same thing when i first joined.
A few weeks later i wanted to go into the streets and tell everyone I am a sex addict
(I didn't)
I am coming to a nice balance now - the forum alone was an amazing beginning push for me, but connecting with the people here one to one and then with real like minded sex addicts locally was what really started to give me some confidence in my recovery.

tzomah wrote on 20 Apr 2017 16:26:

Thanks
After I discovered GYE, I find many interesting points, 1) that I'm not alone, I'm not struggling by myselfצרת הרבים, חצי נחמה,  2) there is so much help out there, the handbook, the chizuk emails, the forum, the 90 day chart, and 3) the support on the forums are beating everything, since I’m a proud GYE member, I’m very uplifted, I feel the help is on my way, and I will definitely get out from my addiction, I don’t have any doubt ……. I used to smoke cigarettes in yeshiva big time, when I got married, my wife told me that I must stop smoking, she couldn’t take the smell, so I tried many times, but inside me I didn’t want to stop, one day my wife got very angry at me, so I decided that’s it, I’m quitting smoking for good. And guess what, I stopped from one minute to the other, and since then I had 2 cigarettes in 9 years, ( it was horrible….) so basically I see that I have the כוחות הנפש, I understand that for our sickness there is a יצר הרע in the picture, but I will get there בעזר השם….