Today 10 Kislev 5778, is a year form 10 Kislev 5777 that marks today as the special day for me.
In order to comprehend the significance of today, let's roll back the calendar 15 years back.
As a bucher in Yeshiva, I was introduced to masturbation by a friend who was sexually triggered by me. He pursued me and in the end, I fell.This turned my lust on, and I didn't reject it when I was pursued.I ended up having sexual relationships with several Bucherim in that yeshiva, and that went on when I changed Yeshiva to a Yeshiva in Israel.
At age 18 I got engaged, but that did not change my behavior of masturbation nor acting out with others.
Mazel Tov I'm now 19 years old and I got married, I was convinced that marriage will solve my sexual issues.
A few months later I was pursued by a guy that I knew from Israel, and that is when I realized that my lust is not over although I was married.
As I got access to the internet porn was part of my routine.
Fast forward a few years and I was pursued by someone who saw me in a mikvah, and we had a relationship for years. He told me how much he loves me, and he did everything to satisfy my sexual desires.
Later I went to night spas where I would meet more people in order to satisfy my lust.
A little about myself,I come from a worm chassidish home, wonderful family.I am a smart popular person, I own a small business. and I am a happy go lucky type.I am blessed with ADHD, that in a way makes life wonderful but on the other hand, has many side effects, sticking to a schedule, being on time, and doing responsibility are extremely hard. (with that said I still believe that my ADHD is to me much more of a blessing than a course).
My schedule was a mess. I came home very late at night 2-3 AM. Financially I was a mess barely making the minimum.
At home, we lived like dorm roommates, me and my wife, 2 people together living their own lives. My wife was bothered by this lifestyle, But I was mainly happy, I thought that we have a good relationship where each of us is not stepping on the toes of each other, we had very little arguments, And I was happy-go-lucky.
In the summer of 2016, I was introduced to the idea of massage therapists, and I started searching and chatted with a massage therapist about how it works.
One day I see my wife is very unhappy, as I asked her for the reason, she didn't want to say, after begging her she told me that last night she checked my phone and she sews the chat I had with the massage therapist.
I promised her that it was just an inquiry and that I never actually went to one of them.I was convinced that the crises are over and I lived my life as nothing happened.
On 10 Kislev 5777, we had a family Simcha out of town, with the kids in the car I drove to Simcha. On the way, I had to stop for a few minutes by someone, as I came back to my car I saw my wife in tears as she held my phone in her hands.
The world was coming crashing on me, I knew it's all over. She now knows everything, My life is over.With fake smiles on our faces, we went to the Simcha and as quick as we could we are on the way home.
In the car, my wife kept crying and asking me questions. I broke down and cried along with her, I have no idea how I managed to keep control of the car.
Hashem gave me the courage and the sense to admit to all my wrongdoings, I told her everything, and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay with her.
I blocked all my unhealthy contacts and stopped going to the mikvah where I can get triggered.
She found a therapist who specializes in marriage and sex addictions, for 6 months once a week we went together to that therapist.
2 months later my wife told me about GYE, where I found my new family, ppl who struggle with me and a place where I can be myself (without a name).
On GYE I found the 12 step program that introduced me to the fact that as an addict I am not in power to say no to lust, all I can do is to talk to Hashem in my language (for me Yiddish) that he should be with me and save me. (I don't follow the 12 steps in the order nor do I listen to the teleconferences maybe because of my ADHD).
In the past year, I got a wonderful wife (that I didn't realize until then how special she is) we are now partners, best friends, and yes we now have real Shalom Beis.I have no secrets and I'm not hiding anything from her.I'm no longer in the relationship with her that she should be the mother of our children, and to accommodate my needs. I am now in the relationship to give, and my main focus is that she should be happy.(coincidentally I receive a lot more than I got before)
And yet another relationship improved the relationship with Hashem.I am now talking to him daily, and my davaning improved a lot. and I made a new Kivas Item that B"H I haven't missed since Shvuas.
There is still room for improvement and with Hashem's help, we will get there.
I don't feel secure yet and I know I'll never be this will be a lifetime struggle, I have to stay focused and watch from triggers, along with a lot of asking and praying to Hashem.
At this time I want to take a moment to thank,
- My therapist who helped us so much guided us in the right direction, she cared so much about us beyond what we could ever expect.
- GYE both the people behind GYE that gave us all the tools and such an amazing platform. and to all members, I had the honor of meeting and the chizuk I got from you along with the opportunity to mchazek others.
- Last but not least my dear wife, who not only didn't reject me, but she understood and accepted me and is my backbone along this journey. I am beyond words to thank her, without her I would be in the dumps now.
And my graduate to Hashem is above all.You, Hashem, showed me your love even though I don't deserve it.
- Thank you for the beautiful and supportive wife you gave me.
- Thank you for the great kids you gave me.
- Thank you for the financial stability you gave me.
- Thank you for GYE.
- Thank you for the therapist.
- The list goes on and on......
Now I ask you do I celebrate an anniversary, a year of sobriety, or a birthday a year of my new life?????
Chaim
