Hi everyone, I am a young married kollel guy with 2 children, I have been struggeling ever since I was 10 yrs. old when some school friend showed me porn magazines & taught me how to act out & it has progressed constantly ever since (from masturbation to phone sex to porn to clubs to prostitutes), I was seriously addicted without even realizing it, I would go from doing the worst things and go straight back to my gemora as if this was normal, the craziest thing was that it didn't bother me at all, I was totally numb, I was in true isolation, It didn't even feel like I was living a double life this was just normal, I didn't even need much to trigger me, whenever I would have a extra few min. I would feed my addiction in total numbness as if this was part of my daily routine, every time that I reached a new low I would get a little depressed & I would even call gye & listen to the tafsik speech, but everything would stop there, then I could be clean for the next 2 months (without really doing anything to change my behavior), and then I would start going at it again for another few weeks until I would reach another new low, I wasn't just sick in the way I was acting, I was sick in this area through & through (& still am today), my mind was crazy & every time that I would be any contact with a woman even for non sexual reasons ( on the phone or in person) my mind would go wild with fantasy about her..., every woman outdoors was something to lust after, truly a drunk, and that's basically how I was for many years.
I had my awakening this past july when I reached yet again a new low in my addiction (meeting up in a hotel with another married jewish woman...), & that's when I finaly came to the realization that I am truly powerless over my addiction & that no matter how much I don't wanna do these stuff I am still getting pulled into the never ending world of lust, I called a rov who guided me to a therapist who I am still seeing, the therapist origianaly told me that my only hope is 2 join SA meetings, but I didn't for various reasons, plus I really didnt want to, so we worked out a system together with my rov that im in contact with 1 of them every night, I cant say that im doing perfect, I actualy did act out once in the end of December, but I definetly came a long way, I realize now how I lacked the most basic relationship with my wife or with anyone for that matter, & I realize how self centered I always was & therefor in true isolation, i could go on & on in explaining all the things I gained from therapy, & what I learned that has caused me to be this way and how to slowly change & I am so gratefull for what I am today, the main reason why im posting this is bec. I need to join a support system (even if im not officialy doing the 12 steps), so I hope I can connect with people through this forum, thank you
hazlacha on what ever path hashem takes you!