Sounds like you like the second option

In my arrogant unsolicited opinion, your post, while consisting of some decent writing, comes off as a bit fantastical in your predictions of the future.

PeAcE

Workingguy wrote on 15 Apr 2018 23:12:

is this a share or advice?

BipolarMe wrote on 13 Apr 2018 13:00:

You have a therapist- you should really open up and tell him what you need to. Secrets from him aren’t helping you, and secrets in general are toxic. You may have bipolar but some of what you describe doesn’t sound any different than a million people here.

I’ll go out on a limb here and say that if you open up to your therapist, and work on issues of secrets and shame, you will see an upswing in your mental health. 

We are thinkin' of schedulin' Tuesday's call for 2:00 est. Please let me know if that works.

Brief recap of yesterday's call:

1. Action book - we're in pain; driven to despair by our behaviors. We have tried stoppin' many times.Lust was/is our friend. Fantasies worked; now, they control us. Moral values went down the tube.Lust destroyed love, and can destroy the possibility of true love (see R' Twersky's video). We cannot tolerate one drink of lust. It must be eliminated! We made (or should make) a decision.

2. Big book - Jekyll & Hyde. Who are we? Lust attacks at the worst of times. We are fine people and nevertheless, we screw up. Our desires are hidden all over the house/computer, and the next day, we start the search all over again.

3. White book - the problem. We are alone & afraid. Our disconnection leads us to actin' out. Fantasy, sex with self, more fantasy. addicted to the tease and intrigue. And oh, the guilt and remorse! Driven inward; lost inside of ourselves. Searchin' and lookin' for chemistry and magic, but we will never find it. Losin' our lives.

4. Reb Meilech - when all else fails and seems hopeless (kerias yam suf), we don't turn to Torah & mitzvos (like dam pesach and milah - there is a time for that); we just shprin' (like Nachshon) - just do it! Ramban: Aaron saw the eigel - the vision of his sin, and he said: how can I come close to Hashem? the answer: Become haughty and focus on the present; he slaughtered the calf and offered it to God! A righteous person must have an eighth of an eighth of haughtiness - the eighth passuk in Parshas Shemini is this one!

Good day, good Shabbos.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Hi everyone, I'm in my 20s, Male, single.
I have either mild-to-moderate bipolar (as a psychiatrist claimed) or extreme mood swings. Been on tonnes of medications of which none worked.

I also suffer from:
Social anxiety, ADHD, ODD

I've previously suffered immensely from panic attacks (for around 10yrs of which the first few years were crazy which ruined years of my life (from a human point of view - obviously from G-D's point of view it was all for the best)).
I'm seeing an amazing therapist who successfully helped me overcome the panic attacks and is trying to help me overcome my lifelong social anxiety.
When I told him I was watching p*rn, he helped me stop (basically I had managed to uninstall the filter and was too afraid to tell anyone besides him (and even then it took a few months to work up the courage during which I became more and more addicted to p*rn) but he helped me get around that fear of telling someone and get the filter reinstalled and have someone else have the password) but he told me that seeing as I have social anxiety and therefore crave connecting with people which is very hard to fulfill due to the social anxiety, therefore it is possible I became addicted to p*rn as the content is considered like people connecting, is there any truth in that?

I haven't admitted to him that I have been doing hz"l for 2yrs but i have spoke to him alot about addictions in general and with his help I've been able to reduce the frequency and then stop hz"l except in the following scenario:

If I'm in a negative bipolar mood swing (which coincidentally hypersexual feelings are a common sympton) I can't control myself and stop myself. It is easier to control myself for a week if I don't have a negative mood swing than it is for even 20mins of a negative mood swings+hypersexual feelings. I don't think I'm addicted to hz"l as it seems if I would only have none negative mood swings I would be able to stop completely.

During a negative mood swing my mind turns on a "I don't care" attitude. Therefore if I try tapschic I will just be oiver on the shvuah.

what is the best method to help me stop for my particular circumstances seeing as i dont think this I'm addicted? (current frequency is approx once a week - down from upto 4 times a day)

Im also quite respected and a professional businessman . I was here in 2009 and left . HUGE MISTSAKE!!!!! Ive lost  tons(money) and in other areas all bc of the lust addiction. Please I beg you stay here and use all the help available to you. IT WILL HELP !!!!!

Am I

1. Somebody who has an addiction to shmutz, or

     2. A shmutz addict​

1. I have an addiction to shmutz. My brain learnt that using shmutz takes away negative emotions and keeps positive emotions going better than anything else. If I can just use mindfulness to teach myself to really know in my bones

• how to recognize triggers to anticipate cravings,
•  that feeding lust cravings is not worth it for me in that moment,
• That I can just sit with lust cravings and they will always die down on their own.

Eventually the fire of lust will die down and the cravings will come less and I will be able to use mindfulness to ride them out every time. I won’t have a problem anymore!

      2. I am an addict. I am a very spiritually sensitive person who cannot live without a conscious connection to Hashem or else I become unsettled to the core. Living in my ego and not connecting to Hashem makes me miserable and sick. Shmutz in the short term is for me the best thing that simulates the release and relief from my bodage to self that can really be had only through spiritual consciousness. This is because shmutz temporarily takes me out of my self-consciousness better than anything else by identifying with the women who are also coming out of their self-consciousness in whichever picture I am concentrating on. However paradoxically, in the end this just leaves me even more ego-conscious than I was before because by feeding my selfish drives I have gone further into myself and closed myself off from G-d even more than I was previously.

If I can just use mindfulness to teach myself how to

• be in the moment connecting with Hashem because each moment Hashem is recreating the world and this moment is our only chance of connecting with Him
• not think about the past or the future which is really living in my ego, shutting me off from connecting to Hashem in this moment and making me sick with regrets and worries.

Then I will no longer feel unsettled to the core and the need to run to lust to relieve myself. I wont get those cravings for shmutz anymore because I wont have the miserable pain from living in my self-conscious ego anymore and closed off from Hashem. I will be in love with Hashem and run to carry out all the mitzvos and learn His Torah and not want to do any aveiros that may jeopardize that strong connection.

Lost
Sof Nissan 5778
Somewhere in Pennsylvania

    Who am I? Where am I?

Life.

Life is great! Life is tough! Gevaldig tzu zien a Yid. Shver tzu zein a Yid.

    A great man once said “Life is a highway”, but if it is its a G-d damn curvy one. Perhaps like a scenic one. During the daytime its wonderful, beautiful and bright. Around every curve is a new delight, maybe a new view of what you thought you already saw. The horizons seem endless and and you can see clearly to the end of the world. And oh the sunset. Sunset compels you STOP and just bask it in.

    But then night comes. The road is dark and you can only see as far as our own headlights. The amazing curves turn treachous even naseous, and you get lost and scared. We drive focusing and the road ahead of us, but very quickly find ourselves (back) in the Lo Tov. If you’re lucky someone something will materialize out of the darkness, turn you around and point you in the back in the right direction. A spark of inspiration. But it will only last a moment and may even be painful. Then darkness once again.

    Such is life. Such is life. Gevaldig and Shver. Moments of clarity followed by long nights. At the ohel I can see clearly, I know what and how to accomplish and be bright. Then in bed I sink back to the tayva. Helplessly, I just go. Eat. Sleep. Pray. Drown.

    I know the Avos5:20 I want to be, but can’t face the Avos5:20 I am. Addict.

    “Until I face my addiction, AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, I cannot and will not be the Avos5:20 G-d intended.”

“Porn is Lo Tov, Porn is Lo Tov  AND HAS CONSEQUENCES!!”

But but but. The policeman are there. All it takes is action and commitment and one can be healthy. The road is long and hard but has been traveled by many before you. CONSTANT VIGILENCE!! Not only now, but tonight too.

 MY PUBLIC KABBALAH: Post on the forums twice a week for a month. Open the forums nightly.

May we all find the bueatiful scenic road where it is only day.

#bringthelight  

HashemEchad wrote on 09 Apr 2018 00:52:

Great post, thanks for sharing!
I would say you can give it another couple of tries but 3 strikes and then on to the next.
More than anything stay connected to winners in recovery here and keep posting and sharing your journey, it helps everyone.
Hatzlacha rabba!

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:56:

My wife told me if she knew I was doing that stuff she'd be absolutely devastated and destroyed.
I later came clean to her about my addiction and she was not devastated or destroyed.
It did bring us closer.
That's just my experience.

Hello. Here I am again.

I never explicitly related over here what happened with me, and as I’m barely on the forum (I really should re-introduce myself by now) there aren’t many around who would chap. 

I’m divorced.

That’s my story.

It’s a story that’s too personal and that has too many details for this forum, but I will try to express myself in a way that is hopefully appropriate enough. Although I would have said that the story is over, I am here, writing, breathing, so apparently it is not. It is not a pleasant story. Not that my life has been all marshmallow until the divorce, and many of the things that I struggle with now aren’t new to the narrative. But it’s obviously not the same. Hell earned itself a new meaning.

After the divorce I plunged myself back into Yeshiva, took a break from college when the opportunity arose, and started a once-a-week phone call with an addictions therapist. But things didn’t get better.

I was broken, confused, angry, dejected, ashamed. I was full of self-doubt. Concepts that used to be self-evident and naturally part of my life and goals, such as giving, meaning, and goodness, crumbled into pitiful ambiguities. 

I couldn’t come to terms with what I did, what I went through, and what I lost. I usually was either tied up with the past, bogged down with the present, or trying to run away from everything altogether. Life was so confusing, so sick, so bleak.

The acting out continued, and life wasn’t getting any rosier. My attitude towards acting-out even changed. I still didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t control my behavior, but I started to cave in at one point. I started becoming less agitated by my acting out, and the behaviors became more natural and more frequent.

Yet I never went all out. I didn’t want it to be this way. Eventually, I decided that I needed a fresh start and went to Israel. I couldn’t see a future and I wasn’t sure why I should even see a future. I wasn’t sure what direction I was going. But as I was making plans for the winter, I decided that I must recommit a serious attempt to be sober, hoping that sobriety would bring some sort of stability. I didn’t know what life would bring me. But I figured that I needed to just get to a stable place and take it from there.

I was anticipating some change in Israel; for various reasons it was a healthier setup for me then in the last place. And indeed, I felt better there. But in general, things were pretty frustrating. Difficulty getting Chavrusahs and a dira were the least of it. I went to a new and much anticipated therapist (a pretty well-known one who cost a pretty penny), but after some discussion with others and some debate, I decided to drop him. Even after my recommitment and me trying new things, it just took one filter malfunction to fall. Life was still, for the most part, dreary, despairing, and dead.

Chanukah rolled around. Once again, I acted out a few times after a very trying, not stam situation. Things were pretty low for me at that point. Time was moving along while I was not. But I plugged on. It’s hard to really explain why, although the experience that I posted about last time did stir something within me. I put myself once again into therapy. I put myself in a program that my therapist said can help me. It wasn’t smooth sailing. Among other things, my schedule wasn’t easy; I couldn’t get my ADHD medication (which not only helps with concentration and consistency, but lust as well- believe it or not); and although I didn’t act out, lust made its appearance here and there, making things very difficult at times. But, I somehow pulled through, and before I knew it, winter came to an end.

I think I’m in a different place since before this past winter. I can’t say that I have the “giving, meaning, and goodness” that I desired and thought I once had, and I don’t know if I ever will. But recently, I have tried to not let the questions and doubts take over my life. I’ve been focusing, at least for the time being, on being part of the life that I have. I have the most adorable nieces and nephews (completely unbiased by the way). I love being with them. I still have a family who cares about me, and although I mostly take from them, I can try to help them in small albeit seemingly insignificant ways. There are other ways that I can do good, albeit the smallness of that ability and the doubtful motives behind them. There are parts of me that are quite ugly. I am embracing them and appreciating that these parts can help me grow (at least I hope). There is nothing ugly about an angel, yet an angel cannot grow. Man has ugly parts to him, yet those parts are what make him great.

I am still carrying a lot of pain. I am still not beyond my past and I still have questions about myself. But I have been trying to recognize that not every aspect of life is terrible- that there is some good in life. For some time now, I have been trying to drill into my closed mind and my hardened heart that grief doesn’t have to be pervasive. I can enjoy things- even if they seem trivial. I can be amused by a silly nephew. I can sit with a nice cup of wine (no. Not Woodford). I can enjoy a kumzitz. I also have been trying to sit with the ‘bad’ in my life by not getting absorbed by- or running away from, certain thoughts, feelings, and moods. Yes. Things suck. And that’s life (or my life for that matter). But I needed to see how I can let the pain be and not let it take over me or let myself run away from it. I don’t know if this a matter of “being positive”. I’m not sure. But for now, I would say that it is a matter of reality. The reality is that there is pain and that there is happiness. I have been trying not to make the pain more than it is and I’ve been admitting that there is good in my life- that I can, at least for the moment, feel happiness.

 My family tells me that I look like I’m finally doing ok. But I don’t think it’s that simple. Things have been going well these past months, and I’m grateful for that. I have been clean. I feel a little more settled. But I wouldn’t necessarily say that “I’m ok”. I have been clean for the longest time since the divorce (17-and- a-half weeks- yes, it’s funny that I say it like a child who insists he is not four but four and a half), but I’m still not confident that I’m in a good place in that regard (I hope to post about that soon). The dreams that I had, once shattered, are now only fragments that make those dreams seem more like fantasies. Although at times I feel settled, I am not settled. Although at times I feel happiness, I am not happy.

You might be wondering if acting out had anything to do with the divorce. It wouldn’t give it justice to say that these behaviors were the only thing, but it definitely was the beginning of it and it was entangled with it the whole time. That being said, I’m going to end by taking this opportunity to give a word of caution: please don’t screw around with yours or anybody else’s life. If you think you might have a serious problem with acting out (or I guess any problem for that matter), I suggest that you seek guidance before you make drastic decisions, such as marriage. Yes. There are many wonderful stories out there where the couple get through the rough patches and live beautiful and wonderful lives, and if someone is married and is reading this, I’ll invite him to read those many wonderful stories and not give up hope. But if someone is considering marriage, I invite them to really think long and hard before they bring the one person in the world that they are supposed to take care of into their potential mess. If you are reading this, then that means you at least think that you might have or had a mess, so perhaps such decisions from there should be made with help from others. I don't know who. A Rebbi or a therapist is probably a good idea. A GYE'er. Someone. Don’t let yourself rationalize yourself out of it. It’s not worth it. Besides for the simple fact that there is a good chance that you are putting an innocent person in a lot of pain, there are times where it doesn’t work out fine. Some get divorced. Others, I think it can be assumed, stay married but still don’t work it out. Either way is not frolicking in the meadow. So, why bring unnecessary pain?

I don’t want to scare anyone unnecessarily. So, you should know that, coming from something very personal, this is likely a very one-sided view. I am no expert. I am not a guidance counselor. I am just someone who for whatever reason feels that I should say this. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t know. If anyone thinks I’m leaving something out or that I should have expressed this differently, please don’t hesitate because you feel bad for me. I won’t be offended. 

I'll end here. This was a long and perhaps vague post, but I tried my best.

Gettinghelp2 wrote on 05 Apr 2018 13:52:

Dear "Gettinghelp2",
Welcome back. I am also a new returnee to GYE and to SA.
Thanks for sharing openly and honestly. I can't agree more with you about the destruction this disease has caused in my life. I identify about the amount of energy this addiction has depleted from me.
BH since ,I have been sober and reaching out  to my sponsor and program brothers daily,it find my energy level increasing and the "disconnection" is beginning to melt.
Hatzlocha and Bracha! KUTGW. Mazel tov on your first SA meeting!

dsd wrote on 10 Apr 2018 02:32:

When I used to try to break through my filters, I would search obsessively for an hour, and if I would finally get to a picture I would cover it with my hand because I didn’t want to see it- just wanted to see if I COULD see it. You can imagine how that worked out.

In my earlier stages, it was exactly how you described. And I always felt that if I must take THIS opportunity to act out, because if I don’t, we’ll, what will I do with this feeling? I’ll have this thought in my head telling me to do it, and it will just keep on being uncomfortable! Couldn’t do that.

OCD or not, I don’t know if you have to figure out what the root is as much as how can you work on fixing it. 

cordnoy wrote on 08 Apr 2018 21:47:

thanks for the clarification because ive spoken to some people here who seemed to be under an assumption that addiction is a sickness that requires no teshuva-maybe the sit should be split up into 1. nonaddict sinners 2.addicts who are sinners 3.addicts who are sick (4.undecided)

From a laymen's opinion I would say that if you're looking at the same scene/clip over and over in order to see if you missed something that would be OCD lust but if you're searching for new clips in order to find a new fantasy or a new camera angle etc. that would be plain old classic lust.

In either case, obsessive behaviors of those tendencies would be a disorder or addiction and would require outside help or therapy in some form.

Just stay connected to sober people in recovery and may G-d Almighty bless you.