Hi All,

This is the first time I am telling my story to anyone.

I am now 39 years old and have been acting out since I was about nine years old.  I discovered how to by accident and didn't know that there was even a problem with doing it for many years. When I did find out, I was already addicted to it.  In the passing years, I became enthralled with lusting. I would look at and/or touch any girl or women in passing that I possibly could.  I would imagine myself with any women that caught my fancy (just about all of them).  I discovered pictures of women on the internet when I was in my early teens, before my parents even knew that we had internet at home (they thought it was email only). In my later teens, I had a friend who left a porn video easily available on his computer, which I saw.  Since then my taste for it developed and I have been struggling with all the above issues.  I have had some periods of sobriety; mostly they did not last for long.  I discovered GYE a number of years ago, but only subscribed to the emails.  I thought I was strong enough to stop by myself with just that.  I even managed to stay sober for almost two years until I fell again.  That was about three years ago.

I’ve even gotten in to trouble with someone suspecting me of looking at his wife too much as well as some women catching me touching them when passing next to them and threatening to tell my wife or even go to the authorities and yet I still can’t usually control myself.  I tell myself that this time I won’t be caught.

I have been married for over 17 years now and b"h have a few beautiful, smart and wonderful children. The marriage has been rocky most of the time and even though my wife is unaware of the full extent of my issues, she obviously knows that my heart is not in it, but cannot figure out why.  I am not sure I have a full answer either, but it definitely includes my mind wandering after every attractive women I see.  In addition, my wife has put on a huge amount of weight since we got married, which makes her much less attractive to me.

Another big issue is that I am naturally an apathetic person; I get in to moods (/depression?) where I don't really care about any consequences.  I have to somehow transform moods and to function again, but this doesn't happen too often.  I have come close to divorce countless times because of it. 

I have now been out of work for over five years and the main reason I cannot get a job is because I spend so much time on the computer watching movies (mostly not porn, but enough of those as well).  I did this during my previous job and I eventually lost my job because I was not putting in full effort (I was not caught). I'm trying to qualify for some course to update my skill and get a new job, but don't really want to do it.  I want to have a job to get out of the house, but struggle to put in the effort needed.

Overall I have a good life and have nothing real to complain about (we have some passive income). However a lot of the time I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I feel like a faker. I mostly get to a minyan every day, but I don't ever enjoy davening.   I learn a little bit twice a day, but don't really enjoy it.  I feel like a puppet, going through the motions.  I'm not sure this is even the right place to whinge about all these things, but I don't have anywhere else.

There you have it, my life laid bare.

Thanks for reading

WannabeFree

Hi,
It is the first time I introduce myself on this forum. I am 22 and have been struggling with this addiction for a long time. A part of me desperately needs to escape and I have a lot of time ended in bad places. I lost my connection to god for a while and in the recent years I am coming back to my roots. I don't understand what drove me to act out the way I did and these insane cravings, I still have a lot of shame. I was introduced to SA about 4 month ago and I am now sober for more than 130 days. BUT I can fall right now, I feel inside me an overpowering desire to escape from god and my reality, why can't I be fixed? I feel like this struggle is so dangerous in where it can lead me and I am afraid of giving up, losing hope. I am feeling better since I am in the program but it takes an instant for me to go back and I hate that I know how desperate, anxious, lonely and afraid I will be if I act out. In short I am powerless over this disease and I cannot do it without god. Thank you to GYE and members of the forum for letting me share.
A pure soul in a tormented body

Hello everyone, new here. I've tried many times in the past to stop and occasionally succeeded for a while. I noticed that I mostly act out when I have trouble in my marriage or socially, but every now and then it'll happen spontaneously (like that terrible morning where you don't even go to work because you decide to just "check something out" and that turns into an entire whirlpool of events leading up to the bathroom...).

I figured I'd give some of the tools on this site a try. The 90 Day chart so far has not done it for me, and confuses me as well (the part where you have to input two different dates, and the one date that I put it never seems correct?). Perhaps when I see that I'm advancing then I'll check in to the chart again. For now I guess I'll try the partner/sponsor program and see how that goes.

My wife doesn't know and I hope she never will. This issues is quickly ruining my life and I am desperate to have it stop.

One of the ideas I found on this site which I liked is that the religious aspect of things isn't really what we are afraid of; more the social part of it.  Also, I found one website which goes into great detail describing the way your brain works when it comes to porn addiction, and being mindful of it has really helped me out several times. 

A couple of other things also helped me out, but I don't have much time right now so maybe I'll post later on. 

May Hashem grant us all success!

GrowStrong wrote on 04 May 2018 09:28:

"While it may be useful for you to view Gods beauty and daughters as excrement it seems (to me) to deny their beauty and the beauty of Gods creation." good idea,butthe manure idea comes from the Gemara ,and exponded by Rav  Miller,and Rav Volbe ZTL,  BH i know how to look at a bas yisroel as my sister not in a lust moment and as disgusting  in a lust moment, i wouldnt suggest it in a sa thread but in the Torah/chizuk thread i think its also a good idea.we gotta grab on to whatever we can in order not to sink, even if it might stink.

hey ,whatever works for you!

btw, there are ALOT of other beautiful creations  made by G-D that you/i can admire,so im not depriving anyone from this Holy pastime  of seeing the beauty and wonders of Hashems creations.

"The suggestion which works for so many of us is to pray for them. She should be blessed. ​"    
when its an" ayno yid" i pray for her that she should no longer be a machti es harabim and her legs should fall off just below the knee caps.

GrowStrong wrote on 04 May 2018 09:28:

"While it may be useful for you to view Gods beauty and daughters as excrement it seems (to me) to deny their beauty and the beauty of Gods creation." good idea,butthe manure idea comes from the Gemara ,and exponded by Rav  Miller,and Rav Volbe ZTL,  BH i know how to look at a bas yisroel as my sister not in a lust moment and as disgusting  in a lust moment, i wouldnt suggest it in a sa thread but in the Torah/chizuk thread i think its also a good idea.we gotta grab on to whatever we can in order not to sink, even if it might stink.

hey ,whatever works for you!

btw, there are ALOT of other beautiful creations  made by G-D that you/i can admire,so im not depriving anyone from this Holy pastime  of seeing the beauty and wonders of Hashems creations.

"The suggestion which works for so many of us is to pray for them. She should be blessed. ​"    
when its an" ayno yid" i pray for her that she should no longer be a machti es harabim and her legs should fall off just below the knee caps, 

GrowStrong wrote on 04 May 2018 09:28:

GS, Thanks for the share. I really appreciate it. Both in Chassidus and Mussar we find the concept of האדם נמשך אחר מחשבותיו. 

On a personal note, I have been working my own little program to try to live a positive life. It's not an easy task however it is extremely important for me.
I'm learning to accept Hashem's will, I'm working on relinquishing my resentments. I'm making a effort to verbally express appreciation both to Hashem and my Wife on a daily basis.
I'm learning to understand that everything is a Mitzva, including my eating, sleeping and working. This is what Hashem wants me to be doing. If he would have wanted me to be the Masmid of the generation, he would've created me as one, etc...
It's a ton of these little details that make me a more happier person. 
I'm B"H noticing a major improvement in the area of lust. I am not looking to fill a void. 

Unfortunately lately I've been needing to use the subway more often. This week itself, I have spend over 5 hours during rush hour on the subway.
B"H, I can report that with Hashem's help I've been successful in guarding my eyes. I didn't even have the temptation to look around.
Did I inadvertently see anything inappropriate? Yes.
Did I take a second look or not turn away right away? No.
Was I tempted to look again? B"H No.

Being connected to Hashem is helping me tremendously.

Had everyone in mind yesterday Lag B'Omer in my Tefillos, some with your first names, some with your screen names, and the rest in a general way. I'm sure Hashem knows whom I was praying for.

Wishing everyone a Git Shabbos!

Id like to give you a friendly suggestion which has worked for tens of thousands of lust addicts and continues to work today.
While it may be useful for you to view Gods beauty and daughters as excrement it seems (to me) to deny their beauty and the beauty of Gods creation.
In SA we say the measure we gave was the measure we got back.
Now in this example by giving these women a measure of excrement its possible what you will receive back is a big pile of poo.
The suggestion which works for so many of us is to pray for them. She should be blessed. She should have nachat. She should have children that grow into talmudim. She should be blessed with everything she needs and more. She should have parnassa beshefa. Hashem should bless her with all her desires.
Its just as hard to lust when you are blessing them.
If you are a shtickle chassidish you can take it to the next step.
Tatty! Whatever it is im looking for in those legs/that body/ etc etc please help me find it in You! 
For whether you realize it or not, its your God hunger that is causing your soul to pine for these physical creatures.
Give it a try and let us know how it works for you.

Thank you we can do this together with the help of Hashem I have a lot to say if we can strike the right cord in my brain. I realize after only one day how much my addiction takes over my brain to the point that I have trouble remembering and I feel desensitized from life events. As much as my intellect might see an event as important my emotion does not I believe because of my porn addiction. I even have trouble typing that word. I always thought I was insensitive to life because this world is compared to a hallway and physical pleasure does not appeal to my neshama but I realize that really my disease is even numbing me from life making it seem like the only real thing is videos of lude acts. I am sick and tired of that feeling that is why I am here. Also because I want to be close to the bore and I need to have a clean head to learn torah.
Also I will be a madrich in yeshiva BH starting august and I know I will need to wean some boys off of porn with Hashem's help and I cannot be an addict myself.
Thank you for comment and criticism
Divre Torah welcome please especially about the sanctity of the eyes

Thanks ieeyc. I appreciate that you don't think I'm a kofer.

Yah. stillgoing. I guess I meant that. I’m honestly not the one to lay out any hashkafic concept- or anything for that matter. Far from it. But it is an idea that I heard from many places, and that is that focusing on the next world alone often doesn’t cut it when it comes to lust. Lust is much more powerful when whatever it is that is enticing us is in our face. We are in this world, and often it is this world that drives us and motivate us- even though lemaisah this world is just a pathway to the next.

But I think I meant another thing, and that is that focusing on the next world could diminish what acting out does in this world. It tears apart people. It tears apart relationships. It tears apart families. This has nothing to do with Olam Haba. It destroys life. Simple. Shouldn’t one want to stop watching porn just from the fact that his wife will be broken from it? Why does it have to be about getting golden nuggets after 120? Also, just call a spade of spade and admit that you don’t want to masturbate because it hurts, not only because of Olam Haba. It is for the same reason why we wouldn’t bang our heads against a wall on the off chance we get some crazy urge to. It hurts. To bring this out through Dov (he’s one of the administrators on this site, NewLife), "I do not particularly care exactly which ‘lav’ suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!". Addictive behaviors in of themselves messes things up. And there is something particularly about this stuff that messes things up- not just in the next world, but here as well

I’m not saying I’m settled on this idea or relaying it right. I’m still at a stage where still trying to feel things out myself. I will say that I never really related to the guys who say the only reason why they aren’t masturbating or watching porn is because of their wife, job, or whatever, and not because it’s simply the wrong thing to do or because it defiles themselves. Maybe this means that I’m still not calling a spade of spade myself? Could be. Some might say so.

NewLife, I wasn’t sure where you were coming from. I meant it to be an innocent question. Hope I wasn’t being intimidating. Just something maybe something to get you thinking. I’m no guru. Just some stuff that I (at least think) am parroting from others.

Hope all goes well.

(And if you really a Torah guy, will throw in another point: Torah isn’t a guide to get us to the next world; it is one for this world as well).

Markz wrote on 27 Apr 2018 00:02:

Hasn't happened in years .. (as far as I remember.) We should start a 90 day chart for that!

GrowStrong wrote on 26 Apr 2018 08:33:

boy ,you give up on me quick,but you havent met my stubborn streak,up up and away ,90 days here I come!!(be`ezras Hashem!)

podcast.headlinesbook.com/e/81717-dealing-with-internet-addiction/

this is the above mentioned show featuring gye

So one shabbos during last summer I see an advertisement in the paper for a discussion about porn addiction in our community on Headlines radio, so I tune in motzai shabbos and listen  I believe he interviews yakov, as i hear him talk about how many people have been helped I decide I must give it another try as I owe it to my wife and kids... 
I dont remember clearly how I pulled it off( Im not sure how that happened Im young my memory should be working properly...) 
I put a lot of focus in  putting my lot in Hashems hands along with alot of tefilah - kind ofstep 2 and 3 , as well as reading the forums and finally starting to write on them .
I still dont understand how I was able to end a nearly 15 year cycle .. but its working so far ,
yes i do struggle and I constantly think about how i can  continue to strengthen myself and what I can change - reading the forums is a big part of it reading about other guys struggles and things they do great for ideas.
looking back I wish I would have paid attention and started calling people that sounds like a powerful tool which could have helped me when I first joined GYE oh well no point in regretting ..

stillgoing wrote on 26 Apr 2018 23:10:

Wow!

If that's submitted via a tired fellow, I'd like to hear what you have to say when you're well rested ;-)

Hi Newlife, Welcome.
    When you say that you "joined the program", what did you mean? That can vary from simply signing up -  to reading the handbook, joining a conference call (with or without talking), looking and finding ways in how ones life is actually leading one to act out.  I don't want to make assumptions - which is why I'm asking. Often (always?) it's issues in our life that is causing us to act addicted to lust, as opposed to our lust causing us to have issues in our lives. Did that make sense to you? It sounded confusing to me, but I'm really tired now so that could be why  . Basically in a nutshell, We think that we need to look for a solution to solve our lust problem, very often we are actually subconsciously using lust as the solution to our life problems!