Hi_ I relate to your story and wish you tons of hatzlacha on the journey!
I want to share with you a tool that helped me tremendously on my journey!! I have been on the journey of recovery for 10 years. Its only in the last 3 years that i discovered the teachings of Rebbe Nachman and that they deal head on with our struggle! The thing i like best is he doesnt only talk about the problem but offers help.
One very powerful tool is Tikkun Haklali! 10 psalms that he says help very much! I was quite skeptikal about TK being able to help me, but I was desperate for HELP and took it on to say TK for 40days to be able to help me thru my Porn addiction etc.
I begged G-d to show me and let me feel changes happening in me if its real and Thank G-d i felt something shift in my recovery. I have been saying Tikkun Haklali basically every day since for the last 2 years and it helps me tremendously!

The question if you could end your addiction or not is not up to you! That is not your focus at all! You're focused and what god wants from you is to try, And not give up try again even after you fell hard, Remember god created you with all your struggles within you, he knows Your background your upbringings and The trauma that's leading to this...

 My dear brother, keep strong.My prayers are with you, Don't give up never ever should you give up because that's exactly what the yh wants you should be doing..
 Don't give in!

Hi everyone, I just joined a short while ago. Having mixed feelings about sharing my experience but I’m gonna do it anyways. 
My journey began when I was in Yeshiva Gedolah. I was a very good buchor and a masmid. I wanted to do the right thing and never imagined I would get involved in P.
But deep inside I was struggling. My family was very dysfunctional, and my older siblings either went off the derech or simply did not want to have anything to do my parents. As a middle child, it tore me apart and I had almost no one to talk to. So I started searching online (yes I had a hidden smart phone) for therapies. And then slowly slowly I went down the dark path and ended up in P. It was a big shock to me the first time, but the yetzer harah is very clever and pulled me back into it again and again. I still remained a masmid because I enjoyed learning, but I guess it was a temporary relief for my struggles. 
Then when I finished Yeshiva, I was at home, by myself and with my parents, since no one else wanted to come home, and again I got back into it. It became a bit tricky when I started with shidduchim and I really tried to cut down on it, which I did. I was mainly addicted to masturbation since I felt a release of stress and it helped me cope with my situation.
I hope this wasn’t too long of a post but this was and is my journey. I still struggle from time to time from going on bad websites, especially during difficult times. If anyone has any advice for me I will greatly appreciate it!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 23:46:

That sounds like a perfect response. I can only imagine it would feel more geshmak to give it to him over the head, but as you point out, trying to control is admitting powerlessness. More power to you!

empoweredowl90 wrote on 27 Sep 2024 13:20:

I think they say some sort of mild depression isn't uncommon as temporary side affect of giving up this powerful drug. If you're not feeling emotion about other things too, then it's kdai to talk to someone about this.

But if you meant that you are feeling emotion about other things, but didn't feel good about overcoming this nisoyon. Then maybe try inculcating the good feeling by external actions. Reward yourself with something small, sing and dance, congratulate yourself out loud.
Full disclosure, I've never actually tried any of those. But they sound like good ideas.

Hi last night the yetzar harah was fighting me so so so hard.Its hard to describe it but the urge felt so sharp almost like a pain in my stomach.Definintly the strongest urge i had since day 1,But i pushed through and i fought and i won thank hashem.for some reason though i still feel nothing no joy or anything im not sure y i should be happy and exited but im not.I feel like this addiction broke me and made me lack all emotional depth.FEELING NO EMOTIANS IS VERY PAINFULL i should be dancing and praising Hashem, but instead i feel nothing.  I was wondering if any of you guys have ever experienced anything similar, and/or have any advice

Thanks from an emotionless bochur, .

addict26 wrote on 27 Sep 2024 02:40:

I totaly am with you i feel te same all the time but to honest the thing that keeps me going and motivated to push away these thoughts are 1) reviewing my freedom plan & freedom contract from the f2f program that has in it all my excitement from that 1 strong moment in the begining when i was excited to finally find a way out. 
2) being accountable with a daily text to rabeinu HHM Shlit"a
3) the great forum with so much chizuk.

but really number 1) is the strongest chizuk to me just getting back that motivation and excitement from the first moment now that it already disappeared, is a great exciting feeling of its own right.

Be stong keep up the fight we`ll see the end of it iy"h together

anonymousushi wrote on 26 Sep 2024 23:52:

Read the threads and be inspired by others who have reported phenomenal results in their struggle with the challenges that bachurim typically face. One of the dominant themes that are repeated are to avoid triggers and to nip the urge on the bud. Once you’re in the clutches of lust, it’s hard to win the battle. While your hormones may be blazing, you can channel your passions into other areas. This will serve as a diversion, and you won’t be overpowered by the lust that stifles bachurim from living serene healthy lives. 

moderators; please edit.
This is the first time I've written anything here, but I feel I could use some chizuk.
​i have had a generic introduction to p&m. As a 9th grader I was pretty shielded, so when I had a small dumbphone (unfiltered) in 10th grade, all it took was a curious moment and I got pulled in. The takeaway from that I guess is don't think that " it'it's too small a screen, there's no way anyone will do anything inappropriate with it."
the Yetzer Hara is as powerful as the Fighter in you, which, by definition means that  the more you grow spiritually, the more your Yetzer grows with you. I was no exception. And not only did I find the occasional device lying around my house, but I had a particular nisayon with a specific individual which I only escaped from by Hashem's Chesed in tying my tongue so I'd say just the right thing to scare said nisayon (hopefully) far far away from me. Albeit leaving me feeling in retrospect quite silly for going into  that evening with a feeling of " laasos Milachto" that I just needed to confront it, no matter whether in a healthy way or a more dangerous way; I had thought I'd end up having going with the more dangerous route, but Hashem had other plans.
​post that fateful night , that unique situation got easier.
That's aside from a different hiccup in that unique situation which rendered our time together much less frequent, just *coincidentally* (again, thank you Hashem).
The Hirhurim don't go away on their own, (no matter how much you think that yeshiva is a midbar, its only as good as the lack of access in this insane world to phones, no matter the kaskrus of them- phone calls can do it too, as I saw someone else mention,) and neither does my addiction to P&M.
So that's why I'm here- to try to mitigate my feelings of yiush as an incorrigible taavvah monster, and focus more on each day as it comes.
Please feel free to offer your thoughts, chizuk and any advice you have for an unmarried bochur struggling with enhanced levels of taavah.
​(as you can tell im still too embarrassed to go into pretty much any detail. Not sure what's considered appropriate, even with the anonymity. Guidance would be appreciated) 

Follow up to my last post (I really never have the proper amount of time to fully write down my thoughts):
I vividly recall talking to an older kollel yungerman with whom I have a very close relationship (and as far as I am aware does not share this struggle), and sharing with him my feelings that 1) I would rather my wife not go to the mikvah because then I will once again have to deal with the emotional pain of rejection, being let down, beating myself up for false expectations and yiush over ever enjoying intimacy and having and loving close relationship with my wife. And 2) that although I was not suicidal and was not contemplating self harm, I would rather be die than have to continue life the way it was, with the emotional pain and unable to self medicate with porn.
Needless to say he felt deeply for me and expressed sympathy for the pain I was in, and continued to be a tremendous pillar of support when I needed someone to lean on. 
Now as I recall these conversations I am stunned. I actually felt that I would rather have my life end than continue to live in pain and frustration and loneliness. 

Recently I was listening to a talk given by a heroin addict about his journey through addiction and eventual recovery, I was surprised to feel that I connected to many of the ideas he expressed, especially this feeling of desiring to have my life end just to escape the painful existence. I do not believe that the struggle I had can properly be compared to the great trial and harrowing existence of a full blown heroin addict, but the fact that I resonated with him at all showed me just how much pain I was in in those darkest hours.

In writing this I wish to give hope to those who find themselves struggling with those same feelings, of being in so much pain and discomfort that you wish you could embrace the nonfeeling and emptiness of death. It is possible to make it through and though it may take some weeks months or even years, there is a great sunshine waiting to bathe you in its warmth at the end of your journey. Please, hold on and keep on getting back up. You don't need this drug to be happy and there is a beautiful world for you to experience without it.

Thank you for sharing!

You can also get the book on Amazon:
Breaking Free: Shaya Ostrov: 9781607634225: Amazon.com: Books

Here are some recordings:
Breaking Free - GuardYourEyes (GYE)

This is the synopsis:
A proven Torah-based program to escape the prison of digital and media-driven addictions In an era where the digital landscape has become an inescapable part of our daily lives, the constant bombardment of media can often lead to unhealthy dependencies and addictions. For frum Jews, maintaining spiritual integrity while navigating this modern world presents unique challenges. Breaking Free offers a lifeline grounded in the timeless wisdom of the Torah. This transformative book provides practical, Torah-based strategies to help you reclaim control over your life. Whether it's social media, online entertainment, or other addictions, Breaking Free will help you re-align your behavior with your Torah values.

i really want to give in but i know that's only going to hurt me more, the goal is 90 soooooo.........I need to rant just because I'm really lonely.........what im i supposed to do I'm 18 and marriage is so far away,i have done everthing to find meaning and would love to have a relationship with hashem but i just don't seem to feel anything and i know that he is there and loves me but due to my porn and masturbation addiction ,i think i suppressed and constantly ignored all my emotions, and now i never really feel any real emotions besides sadness, I do get a geshmak from learning gemera but that honestly just doesn't seem to last long after Seider
Im not sure why i cant just be grateful i have a great life amazing family and good friends my learning skills are amazing learn with much older guys .......and do enjoy it. .
But im going to push through or at least die trying.....I know hashem is there and i just need to let him in i know that he only does what's best for me always every minute and every second every day week month and year but emotionally i feel NOTHING NO GREATFULNESS TO HASHEM FOR ALL THE GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE FOR ME ONLY FRUSTRATION.
I want to end of with a prayer to hashem and ask that i should replace my desires for porn and masturbation to a never-ending love for hashem my amazing father that is rooting for my success.

from a dejected Bochur..  

Sooooo..............................

Boy, have I got a tale to share tonight! 

 read carefully, and please, do share your feedback below. I'd love to hear what the chevreh have to say on this topic. 

Here it goes:
I came to realize (with lots of program and therapy) that when my life feels unmanageable, I try to control it. When I try to control it, I am failing to admit that I am powerless over ________ (fill in the blank). My need to control started when I experienced traumas and difficult times in life. By surrendering control to Hashem with prayer and humility, and giving over my burden to Him and not carrying it myself, I admit powerlessness and become free from the slavery to my addiction. 

That was the intro. Here's the story:
Was reading a book on the toilet today (second in relaxation only to reading in the bath) when the leader of the cult I'm an Ex-member of - who has been running smear campaigns on me, intimidating my extended family and myself, and who had been the subject of many paranoid episodes, nightmares, and therapy sessions - this man called me up on my cell phone. 

I'd deleted the number a while back and I guess that also unblocked the number, so I answered with "hi, who is this?"

The response was "this is ****** ********, how are you?"

I exhaled a breath of disbelief, and hung up. Would've been superbly satisfying with a flip phone. Alas, my dump phone is of the non-flip variety. 
(How do you think I am, buddy? Alive and well, no thanks to YOU!)

I spoke to my sponsor and some old timers, consensus was to treat him as an unwanted solicitor if he calls again - "sorry, not interested in what you're selling, please respect my privacy and don't call me again." 

If he calls to apologize for trying to destroy my life and my extended family's lives (0.0000000000000000000001% chance of that), I can say "thanks for the call, please respect my privacy and don't call me again."

What do you guys think? What would you have done? 

Cordnoy, please share your character response, and also your serious response. Thanks!

yitzchokm wrote on 25 Sep 2024 05:12:

Thanks for this nice post
I'm the one you are talking about from the Yiddish forum my nickname there is "צוועלעף אזייגער" and I can totally agree with your post

When I came the first time to my dayen and I explained him that i struggle with ABDL and I eexplained him wwhat ABDL is all about he right away told me I need to see a sex aaddict theropist i was like this is not sexual stuff (even though I knew well that I was P&M) he told me it's the same underlying problem amd b"h im at a sex addiction theropist for the lest 14 months or so with good results on ABDL and with P&M and other stuff as well

But from the other hand side i know very well how its feels much different than the other struggles from this site even though I'm much more open to this feelings in these days

I'll give you one example where ABDL is totally different than sex addiction 
When 2 sex addicts are talking for the first time to each other is it usually in things they are acting out and it's tough for them to share personal things about it (besides if one of the persons are in help and knows how to share or make the otherone to talk)

When 2 ABDLs are getting in touch for the first time will the conversation usually go around deep feelings or things they didn't had whom to share it with. Of course the acting out will also take a big portion of the talk but they will have a very very deep and open talk with very tightly trust to each other. This is something I've never seen or heard of in sex addiction 

  Hi, this is my first time posting, I always felt my struggles (currently) to be relatively minor, and sufficed with coming on the site here and there to gain some chizuk from all the incredible people part of this community. Recently however I my struggles have become more significant and the pain of holding it all inside is to much to bear, so here goes...
  I grew up in a home with open internet and I started viewing inappropriate material from when I was 12, I was quite confused and ashamed of it but having received zero education from my parents, I had no one to confide in and silently carried my struggles inside. At the same time I was pounding away in the beis medrash completing one masechta after the other. In 9th grade I left home to a prestegious Mesivta out of town, in hindsight I think I was driven to go b/c of the tension at home between my parents...but i dont want to get sidetracked. I was lonely and craving connection and friendship, and I found it in my roommate. We began to get close and than he began to educate me in these inyanim that I was clueless in. Eventually he started to touch and get physical sexually, and it felt really good in the moment, but afterwards I would be filled with shame and confusion. Through a cursory purview of the relevant sources in the rambam and shulchan aruch I concluded that I was chayav kares and had done irreversible damage, I was hopeless. Eventually I built up the strength to break off our relationship but the damage was done, I felt worthless and detestable and my learning began to falter, I floated my way through the rest of Mesivta and chose a yeshiva closer to home. 
 In Beis Medrash things continues downhill, I began running around town with a couple friends not learning much. I was at this time exposed to porn and although I didnt always have access whenever I was home I would inevitably fall and I would masturbate all the time. This went on for a couple years. Than I went to learn in E"Y and I was committed to start learning again seriously, I succeeded to an extant and I didnt have access to porn B"H, but I still stuggled with m. I still coped with underlying feelings of shame and worthlessness which affected my learning but overall I turned around. 
 After I began shidduchim I was determined to not fall again with porn and for 6 month before my wedding I was clean. For the next year and a half I stayed clean. During this time I began seeing a therapist to address my underlying insecurities (which btw I only realized might be a result of what happened in 9th grade after picking up From Boys to Men by Dr. Shloime Zimmerman and recognizing the effect of no education etc..)
 That brings me to the current, I live in E"Y and have an amazing wife and child b"h, however I have been struggling finding satisfaction in my learning and being that im in kollel and spend most of my time doing just that, with life in general. I've been feeling empty and depressed and this led me to turn again to inappropriate material online. I have good filter at home which has protected me from real explicit p, but there are enough holes in it to see plenty. Now that I am married I find it to be so much more painfull when I fall, I have a great marriage and I feel like I am cheating on my wife. I feel even more wothless and disgusting than ever and I need some chizuk from the oilam. I fell twice in the past week and I feel that the more depressed an terrible I feel the easier it is to fall. Im not addicted b"h, but the pain is overwhelming, I feel like im right back where i was 5 years ago. I hope and daven that I can get back up and put this behind me before it gets worse. ( I skipped over a lot of details in my story, but i dont want to be to cumbersome, so I hope I gave over the general story well)