cordnoy wrote on 04 Oct 2018 12:21:

I am in full agreement with all that you wrote. And to add, non addicts also have to recognize that under normal situations, sex is about giving, not taking, and therefore it should not be a common occurence to be asking for it. Those who have read my thread "My Story and G-d bless GYE" have seen me write about that and my own struggle and bh level of success with that inyan. Yes, it is most commendable that MZL has set this goal, and it is great that it is being brought out in the open. My only point was that for the sake of newcomers and those who struggle mightily, it is always a great source of chizuk to see hatzlocha with the basics - pornography and masturbation and now that the counter was reset, some "(who dont read so carefully) may be demoralized, and others who join may not realize that there is a major success story developing here. Hatzlocha to all.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Oct 2018 11:16:

Bmkt"h, I disagree slightly. Regardin' the count settin', I don't care much one way or the other. Those who are followin' mzl's thread will be encouraged by his progress regardless of the count. I am inspired by the goal of not askin'. Here might be a nekudah which separates those of us addicted folks and those who aren't. Far be it from me to speculate whether most people ask their wives for sex or don't, but for myself and for others that I have heard from as well, our wives feel abused, threatened and used. Askin' or beggin' or pleadin' for sex is a sure-fire sign that we are headin' in the wrong direction. Doesn't mean that our bodies don't give us away, but it is a clear, specific and an accountable occurrence that is crucial for us guys to avoid. So, I commend mzl for bringin' this important discussion to the forefront. I personally do not count it as a fall, but kol hakavod for him.

Godspeed!

He wasn't interested in getting to the other side.

In fact he has no idea how he got there.

When he woke up in the morning he definately had no plans of going there.

He had sworn off so many times. 

But here he was once again.

To his utter devastation.

And to the dismay of everyone around him.

Hello 
My name is boruch and I'm a sexaholic.
Thanks to Hashem, the 12 steps of Sexaholics Anonymous, my sponsor and the fellowship of SA I am gratefully sober for just over 3.5 years (for which I can never be sufficiently grateful).

I tried for many years to stop acting out. 
Some of the methods I used were: 
praying and crying to Hashem, devotedly reading the gye website and chizuk emails etc, employing the taphsic method: fasting (which I hated), paying fines (large ones too!), going to the mikva (sometimes more than once a day - which I hated even more than fasting), phone conferences etc) but I was never successfully clean for long.  I had plenty of 14/20/30 day streaks, but always fell in the end. 

It wasn't until I walked into a room of fellow addicts and admitted my utter defeat and the unmanageability of my life (step one) and got a sponsor to help me work the 12 steps that I was given the gift of sobriety.

Thank God my life today is completely unrecognizable from before, in all aspects.  In particular, I am generally lust free from all forms of pornography and have periods of time of genuine serenity; a gift given to me by Hashem one day at a time. 

If I can be of any help, I would be pleased to share any of my experience, strength and hope with you.

Voctave, yesterday, I was feeling out of sorts and anxious, and stumbled on to this article on the GYE site, which I thought was helpful.

guardyoureyes.com/articles/prevention/item/how-to-become-an-addiction-free-person?category_id=400

What I like about the article is that it offers a change in perspective..a perspective more of simcha than of burden and despair. 

There are many who have done it, who have kept clean for years. I think there is no reason why you cannot make it to 90 days, 900 days and beyond. Like many on GYE says, fighting the addiction is a one-day-at-a-time process, we must have the courage to keep going, stay clean for each and every day, no matter how many days we have been clean before, or else there will be no way to reach 90 days, and reaching 90 days and beyond is entirely possible, as many have done it. Hashem knows we are trying. It is almost impossible to be clean ever after with just 1 try or even a few tries, but what is important is that we always try and carry on despite our fears. We can stay clean for longer and longer and I'm sure Hashem will have naches for us.

Sure - I will start with this:
I tried for many years to stop acting out. 
Some of the methods I used were: 
praying and crying to Hashem, devotedly reading the gye website and chizuk emails etc, employing the taphsic method: fasting (which I hated), paying fines (large ones too!), going to the mikva (sometimes more than once a day - which I hated even more than fasting), phone conferences etc) but I was never successfully clean for long.  I had plenty of 14/20/30 day streaks, but always fell in the end. 

It wasn't until I walked into a room of fellow addicts and admitted my utter defeat and the unmanageability of my life (step one) and got a sponsor to help me work the 12 steps that I was given the gift of sobriety.

Thank God my life today is completely unrecognizable from before, in all aspects.  In particular, I am generally lust free from all forms of pornography and have periods of time of genuine serenity; a gift given to me by Hashem one day at a time. 

I've been in that yo-yo that you describe many a time.  I mean to say that when I am "clean" or "good", everything is fine, and I set all these religious "goals" for myself.  When I have a fall, I find it difficult to stop right away and drop off my religious observance, plunge myself further into addiction until my conscience gets the better of me, and I come back.  

For myself, I find that reading Jewish psychology books -- like from Rabbi Twerski, really help in breaking that cycle, which I believe to be "self-pity" because I "failed".  I often don't feel like praying at that point, and it becomes like a compromise: "Well, what are you willing to do?"  I can usually at least read a spiritual book.  

I think reading those types of Orthodox and compassionate material helps to form good and holistic Yiddishkeit.  

nedertostop wrote on 30 Sep 2018 07:00:

I think you need to see a Rav and have that neder annulled, and then learn how to approach your addiction with a productive approach.

No one can keep a lifetime neder not to purposefully look at women.

KoachCheshvan wrote on 28 Sep 2018 00:56:

I think you could pull this off if you go to 12-step (SA) meetings and keep going no matter what. Then start dating a woman, and be up front with her about what you are doing. I think 12-step could provide a fitting spiritual environment.

For the record, your mother is not subject to Jewish religious requirements so you are not either, unless you convert with a traditional rabbinic court.

Wow, Gevura Shebyesod,

I don't remember if I had read this post before, but I am glad it is still here for people to read and contemplate.  We have a similar background, but you were raised more frum and full of Yiddishkeit than I was.  I am also in my 40's, (at the time you originally posted I was 41, but now...looking towards 50 pretty soon).  I was raised "goyish" to be sure, and both parents were atheist, and my "sex education" was through public school, and their attitude even as a young teenager had always baffled me.  Their attitude was basically one of resignation that teenagers were going to engage in..er..s*x, and so just teach them about the biology and "mechanics" if you will, but nothing about the significance, the gravitas of it all. (Morality is not taught in public school, so they could have never approached it from that angle).

I had engaged in mz"l from a very early age, about 3, (as my mother as told it).  That must have been before I was conscious of it, because I never thought my mother knew, until one day when she had mentioned it. (don't ask about how that could even come up in a conversation!).  I had been always more SSA than not, although attracted to both male and female.   I too was a loner, and still am, (which I think has caused a lot of problems).  I always had only a few close friends.

I was in state college at 20 years old, when I started questioning my sexuality, but with no religious foundation, I was quite ready and willing to accept a g*y label.  And it was a deep, emotional crush that I developed on my roommate that started me asking those questions.  When I had c**e o*t, I hadn't had s*x, but felt sure because of the process of examining my feelings, combined with the g*y presence on campus, which was pretty strong.
I started to date men and yes, I had taken the "plunge" but gradually, (due to my own shyness, I think, and nervousness).  Since that time, I have at times, committed "the act", but luckily those times are few. I was involved in the g*y community for a long time, first in a more political way, and then less so, but still g*y identified.

The turnaround point came for me, when my p**n addiction became so out of control, that I was looking at it while I was at work, and I printed a picture, and it didn't go to the printer that I was expecting it to!  My heart was racing, because I didn't know where it had printed.  What if I couldn't find it?  What if someone else did?  Luckily, I found it, and I realized then that I had a problem.

Religion is the subject of another addiction or maladaptive behavior, but at the time, I had just become a Catholic, (my Dad is Jewish, mother is not: both atheist). So I didn't think I could even refrain from mz"l, since it had been a habit for a long time.  I remember praying a simple prayer: "G-d, if homosexuality is really wrong, then help me to stop mz"l."  -- Something along those lines...and I was surprisingly able to do it for 3 or 4 months --- Until a nisayon came along while I was looking for an apartment, and failed it.  

And so there has been a waffling: between g*y life and religious life is some form or fashion.  But now, as I approach 50, while I want to leave the SSA life, I don't know really how to go about it to where I would stay out of it.  The few people I talk with are all "g*y", and when I step into religious circles, I feel out of place.  Most people my age are married, and they have children.  I've never had any sort of dating/non-platonic relationship with a woman.  And right now, for a number of reasons, I'm not exactly prize bochur material.  

So I find myself, still in a place where I am asking myself: "What do I do now?"  Originally, when I asked that question, it was in regard to how I was to fulfill a g*y lifestyle, now it is in regard to how I would live outside of it.  

There are times when I think about "What if?" What if I just found the right guy?  Would I be happy?  I have to remind myself that it really is impossible to be happy in that sort of situation.  I would have to have a piece of myself die in order to be in that sort of relationship, namely the part that doesn't want to either engage in s*x or identify as g*y.  And for me, especially never being with a woman, it's hard to completely drop the g*y identity, but have made progress in that front.

I didn't intend for the long ramble, but here it is...

Hashem Help Me wrote on 21 Sep 2018 02:56:

For those that dont need the internet should definitely get rid of their smartphone. But at end of the day there are  people that need a smartphone (maybe a minority) mainly for the apps, obviously they should get a filter/webchaver ect but in some cases it's needed, I'd honestly rather give up my smartphone mainly because of the technology addiction and a life free of using phones/laptops is a  different life completely but I need the apps on a daily basis. (I wish to stay anonymous so I can't specify why) and occasionally I need to access the internet, recently I was stranded somewhere in the middle of nowhere and without having access to the internet I probably would of still been stuck there...  But of course it's בדיעבד

Happy sukkos to all

day 80 and vaiter B''H 
had speek to my mashgiach and parents EEEEEEK! about a really specific part of my addiction and my acting out (dont want to go into details in case it sets somebody off) my thanks to G-D for who they are increased by a toooooooooooooooooooon after the way they reacted 
also having to keep check of not falling into the i'm too holy and good at this to fall so i dont have to have protection 
gut yom tov chevra

i know this post is very old. but just joined recently and being a big fan/talmid of Rabbi Miller ill try to weigh in to explain what he is saying. I don't think he is talking to a FFB who is smoking 20  cigs a shabbos who as you say there ae mant frum smokrs who don't .He's talkig about a not yet frum smoker who would love to keep shabbos yet is totally addicted anfd for him cold turkey( for shabos) isn't an option because he doesn't have the appreciation of shabbos that a FFB has , yet still giving up that one cig is a great accomplishment.
Looking at the smoker as a FFB would be as one of ur friends,chavrusa... etc try to figure out how we can be struggling with something which should be as clearly assur a s smoking on shabos...yet it seems like for 35,000 people it's not that simple

lionking wrote on 23 Sep 2018 06:13:

I just might do that.

Unfortunately, my problem isn't limited to pornography, as even without internet access (while I'm in yeshiva) I can still fantasize and fall. And I don't have GYE during those moments.
Anyone else experienced such a problem?