08 Mar 2019 16:26
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mggsbms
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EscapeArtist wrote on 08 Mar 2019 15:41:
Today I'm cranky.
Cranky at me for being cranky at her for being cranky at me for acting cranky to her when I meant it as a joke blah blah blah...
Sounds confusing? I'm trying to "surrender" my resentments so I don't feel like the only sensible way out of this is to escape to lustland, while she wants me to voice it out so we can "agree to disagree"... I'm trying to get less enthusiastic about intimacy while her (& her therapist) are expecting me to get more enthusiastic...
I'm confused. And cranky. No idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I only know what I feel like doing... I left work early today, bec every trigger is being magnified 10X & their filters are a lot weaker than mine, I already had to resist the urge to whet my appetite once today.
Have a great Shabbos everyone!
Picking yourself up from the triggering environment you describe, is impressive and inspiring. I wish you continued success.
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08 Mar 2019 15:41
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EscapeArtist
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Today I'm cranky.
Cranky at me for being cranky at her for being cranky at me for acting cranky to her when I meant it as a joke blah blah blah...
Sounds confusing? I'm trying to "surrender" my resentments so I don't feel like the only sensible way out of this is to escape to lustland, while she wants me to voice it out so we can "agree to disagree"... I'm trying to get less enthusiastic about intimacy while her (& her therapist) are expecting me to get more enthusiastic...
I'm confused. And cranky. No idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I only know what I feel like doing... I left work early today, bec every trigger is being magnified 10X & their filters are a lot weaker than mine, I already had to resist the urge to whet my appetite once today.
Have a great Shabbos everyone!
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08 Mar 2019 08:31
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stillgoing
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Shteigs, your very name means to grow. Who ever said that we're in this world for results?
Sure, a sparkling clean alley is a wonderful feeling, and we might even get there one day, but that's entirely up to Hashem. The "good feeling" that we sometimes get after doing the right thing is simply a gift from above. I am only speaking how I was taught and what I believe. The only 'power' that any person -addict or not- has is simply to put in the effort. The end result isn't and never was up to us.
Be that as it may, I do very much relate to what you wrote, since I too had a clear vision of where my life should go. I was filled with frustration and self-loathing when I wasn't reaching my goals. Even the thought of lowering my goals to more "realistic' levels made me feel like a failure. Until I realized that while goals were nice to motivate me to put in the effort, that was where their usefulness ended. I try to minimize the goals, and focus on My job, which is only the effort.
To sum up the whole megilla that I just wrote, a wise man once said "I am not God"
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08 Mar 2019 00:19
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Yerushalmi
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I have done some thinking on this as well. Here are my 2 cents on the matter.
If I were to say that this is not fair, I would probably mean one or both of 2 ideas. 1. I deserve a better fate in life. I do not deserve to be tested in ways that almost guarantee failure. 2. Why is my test so hard, and the next guy's so easy?
Both of these ideas are not true at all. We do not deserve anything from Hashem. Nothing. In His infinite kindness, He provides for us. We do not deserve an easy life and we are not really entitled to expect one either. Hashem loves us, and wants things to work out for us, but we can not have our own expectations as to how things SHOULD be.
Also, life is meant to overcome challenges. If there are no more challenges to overcome, and no way to grow, there almost is no point to life. We are faced with a difficult challenge in a particular area. That does not mean that others do not face their own equally hard challenges in another area. Everyone has challenges, and everyone's challenges are hard. The only difference is that some challenges are more visible than others. Since no 2 people are the same, no person's challenge will be the same as the next guy. We can rest assured, that the neighbor is also faced with difficulties. We really can't compare my challenge to someone else's. Even here on this site, where we all face similar struggles, no 2 people fight the exact same fight. Each one of us is challenged in a slightly different way. Each one of us is aroused by slightly different ideas, and each one of us are exposed to slightly (or even not so slightly) different triggers. We are not meant to compare with one another exactly. (In a broad sense we can and do share experiences and struggles, but they are not exactly the same.) My struggle is not necessarily any harder or easier than anyone else's. My struggle is meant for me to overcome. The next guy might not be able to handle it. Equally so, if I had his problems, who said I would be doing as good a job as he is?
Lastly, this is a very scary thought. I face very hard tests in these areas. (All of us here so. I prefer to speak in first person, and avoid blaming any individuals.) To a large degree, I brought this upon myself. Had I been serious at stopping at 13, before the addictive habits really kicked in, I probably would have had an easier time. It is far easier to quit smoking after 1 or 2 cigarettes than it is after 2 packs a day for 10 years. The first time I was exposed to this stuff may have been beyond my control. The time that I went back to look for it, was in my control. When I deliberately set my filter up in such a way that I could get around it without the wife knowing, that was totally in my control. After years of exposure to filth, I find it hard to break free. I don't think that I have a right to complain about the unfairness of it, I chose to make things this way.
Nevertheless, Hashem still loves me more than I will ever know, and even after all of the evil that I have brought on myself with my own 2 hands, He still is rooting for me, and wants me to come clean.
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07 Mar 2019 19:24
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EscapeArtist
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Hello again Chevra,
So I like to fool myself & think that I'm actually on the road to being normal, as BH I find myself in situations that would have previously sent me running away to "never-never land", & now I don't feel any chemical reactions whatsoever... kinda nice this feeling of freedom...
Well today I had unfortunately a family levaya... trying very hard to be all somber & reflect on the life of the נפטרת & how she lived a life full of שמחה & she had such a לב טוב & she was always WHOA CHECK OUT THAT PRETTY RELATIVE did she get a new sheitel? She looks great! Oh wow look at THAT one...! I wish my wife would... ... ... oh right I'm at a funeral for crying out loud... At least at the cemetery I was able to control my addict-brain right? duh. I'm shoveling dirt into the grave & all I can think is how manly do I look in front of all these women watching... רחמנא ליצלן.
Does this business ever get better???
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07 Mar 2019 15:22
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Trouble
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Shteigen613 wrote on 07 Mar 2019 14:41:
"What does fair mean?"
in a way, the proper description would be, "the lust I feel in my school position is very difficult for me and I don't understand why I am faced with such challenges."
by "fair" i really mean, that i feel as if im a special ed student in 5th grade who has been given the challenge by my English teacher to read all of Charles Dickens novels and write a cross comparitive analysis of the main characters personalities.
teacher! That's not fair!
similarly, I feel that it's not fair that Hashem planted this "lust" and desirous bug in my brain at a young age, incited it with explicit pornography, and let the games begin.
then, Hashem comes and says, I want you to be pure and stay away from the lust and pasion. Guard your eyes and fight against the yetzer hara!
well, i feel that Hashem is like the English literature teacher who gives assignments that are way beyond the capability of the student.
That's not fair!
Unless of course we redefine the struggle as... well hashem doesn't expect you to be pure. He wants you to do what you can, like stay clean for 90 days, or look the other way once in a while, or fight your yetzer hara with tefilla when the attractive ladies are not in front of you. Some type of partial victory is all we can hope for, and that is our new redefined all inclusive definition of purity, for our generation, of course!
thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.
Where does the notion come from that life NEEDS to be fair? Personally, there are many parts of my life that royally suck. I'm not pleased about it. Some I can perhaps change, but mostly, I can't. So, I should turn to God and say that it isn't fair. Fair is when you sign up for something and make a contract with another party. We (at least this guf and neshamah, in this lifetime) never agreed to anything, and truthfully, the choice is yours. You can choose life, as sucky as it may be. It might be difficult.
Just to conclude, I am not preaching. My intimacy part of my life right now is horrible. Usually, I grin and bear it. I was/am an addict, but have been sober for over four years. I am in the process of tanking that all right now. Not because it's not fair, but because I wanna enjoy myself (And don't tell me that it's not fun and it's only eight seconds and I'll feel guilty afterwards, and the yeshua is just around the corner....actually .You can tell me whatever you want, maybe it will even help), and that's my prerogative. Am I choosing death and hell in this world? Yes I am.
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06 Mar 2019 17:10
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Trouble
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Iwtbf613 wrote on 06 Mar 2019 14:41:
Everyday has been getting harder and harder. BH, I would consider myself to still have my sober time, but I found myself engaging in behaviors similar to when I was acting out e.g. surfing facebook to try to find non-tznius photos, letting my mind wander to non-tznius things, all in an attempt to circumvent the taphsic that I set in place. Both of my knases are giving tzedaka, which I can't really afford to give the amounts that I've set, so I haven't acted out (I guess that's what the taphsic is for lol) but internally I've been boiling with lust. I was up really late last night literally just mindlessly surfing the web when a) I could've been doing work, of which I have a lot of or b) I could've been sleeping. Now I'm awake, tired, overwhelmed by my responsibilities, feeling guilty, depressed, a bit hopeless. I always tell people that this is a struggle that we'll have our whole lives, but that should be something that we find strength in, that we are Hashem's warriors, but when I'm in the actual battlefield, I feel overwhelmed by it all. Plus, I was on someone's facebook who is very much into the OTD culture and it's making me question my yiddishkeit. I get it: yiddishkeit is largely about the culture, which is full of fake people who just use each other to make themselves feel more frum. For us addicts or lustaholics, frumkeit is, in a sense, our worst enemy. The more hardocre that we lust or the more we act out, the more frum we become to cover it all up. What a horrible double life, what a perfect recipe for depression. I want to be frum, but I want to be honest in my relationship with Hashem. Maybe just acknowledging the hypocrisy and double-life is an honest step forward in my relationship with Hashem. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by it all....phew.....ok, that's my morning rant.
#me3
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06 Mar 2019 14:41
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Iwtbf613
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Everyday has been getting harder and harder. BH, I would consider myself to still have my sober time, but I found myself engaging in behaviors similar to when I was acting out e.g. surfing facebook to try to find non-tznius photos, letting my mind wander to non-tznius things, all in an attempt to circumvent the taphsic that I set in place. Both of my knases are giving tzedaka, which I can't really afford to give the amounts that I've set, so I haven't acted out (I guess that's what the taphsic is for lol) but internally I've been boiling with lust. I was up really late last night literally just mindlessly surfing the web when a) I could've been doing work, of which I have a lot of or b) I could've been sleeping. Now I'm awake, tired, overwhelmed by my responsibilities, feeling guilty, depressed, a bit hopeless. I always tell people that this is a struggle that we'll have our whole lives, but that should be something that we find strength in, that we are Hashem's warriors, but when I'm in the actual battlefield, I feel overwhelmed by it all. Plus, I was on someone's facebook who is very much into the OTD culture and it's making me question my yiddishkeit. I get it: yiddishkeit is largely about the culture, which is full of fake people who just use each other to make themselves feel more frum. For us addicts or lustaholics, frumkeit is, in a sense, our worst enemy. The more hardocre that we lust or the more we act out, the more frum we become to cover it all up. What a horrible double life, what a perfect recipe for depression. I want to be frum, but I want to be honest in my relationship with Hashem. Maybe just acknowledging the hypocrisy and double-life is an honest step forward in my relationship with Hashem. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by it all....phew.....ok, that's my morning rant.
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05 Mar 2019 16:34
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johnfrumgye
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I’m a 28-year-old married man and I admit I have a Sex/Lust addiction. I’ve been battling this addiction for quite some time now and went to get help by attending SA. My longest clean streak was 29 days and fell. I’m currently 11 days clean trying to avoid lust and triggers wherever they may be. On my way to work today I was walking down the street and half a block in front of me I saw a woman who was wearing dark stockings and a skirt which was too short for this weather or for any weather a matter of fact. As soon as I saw her, I crossed the street so I wouldn’t take another look. While I was crossing the street, I just hatted the fact that because I am an addict, I had to cross the street and I was not able to be like a normal person who would just forget about her as soon as she walks by. This type of mindset of hating myself for not being “normal” led me to my last fall. On one hand I understand that I have to stay away from certain scenes and situations because it might take over me but on the other hand, I still want to enjoy the simple things and not have to hide myself like an overly sensitive fool.
I know I need to maintain the right mindset. This reminds me of what we read in SA “What is a Sexaholic and What is Sexual Sobriety” I edited it to speak to myself “I admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but i simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking But I know any form of drinking will drive me to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not I did not FULLY give myself to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for ME who know I have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this……My issue is…I am still doubting the last sentence because I feel like I can control it and need to remind myself that I really can’t. How do I maintain the right mindset without feeling like an ADDICT? Is that even possible?
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05 Mar 2019 09:36
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mikestrucking
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"The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong" As a sexaholic I've done lots of things which I find to be immoral or assur. Things I wouldn't have wanted to do. Not always have I done these things due to a major compulsion sometimes it's just why not. That's what my brain does to me often. It goes without saying that I'm not excused for the past and certainly not the future; however, it does mean that for me knowing how bad or forbidden these things are or even what their consequences are won't save me. Someone from S.A. here in Israel gave a great mashal. If erev shabbos 20 minutes before the zman I'm in a rush and my brain tells me that I have 3 hours until shabbos, and I start making phone calls etc. telling me about how chamur shabbos is won't help me. I need some sort of awakening to reality. The same goes for my addiction.
hatzlocho to all
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03 Mar 2019 04:40
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EscapeArtist
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I was chatting with a fellow on GYE, a Tzaddik valiantly battling a very tough יצר הרע. As he seemed to be struggling more than average, I sent him the SA 20 questions to help him decide if he needs that route. He insisted that's not him, and then mentioned how tough it must be for me to hear that he can just have his "fun" when he decides to, but that it doesn't "control" him, as it does an addict like myself...Whoa whoa whoa.Listen צדיק, I respect your decision that you can take care of yourself; I hope & daven that you'll be okay. But please, don't go feeling bad for ME that I'm an addict who needs SA...
I'm in a place where I can really believe that I have an illness, & I'm not just a weakling who can't control his תאוות.
I'm in a place where there is a proven מהלך to help me through my struggles.
I'm in a place where I am making some of the closest friends I've had in my whole life. True friends I can share my darkest secrets with, who understand me, never judge me, & are there for me in my time of need.
I'm in a place where I can meet people I look up to & respect, people who live with such serenity & faith in הקב"ה. People who had similar struggles to mine & overcame it.
אחרון אחרון חביב, I'm in a place which promotes (for me at least) קירבת אלקים. As a frum yid I've always tried feeling a קשר to Hashem, but more often (-way more often) than not, my insane craving for lust got in the way. This is a place where I'm actually utilizing my illness to force me to come closer to the Eibishter. This is not סתם a מוסר סדר. For me, it really feels like a matter of life & death, I'm working with a חבורה, w/ a very systematic approach, & I have my own personal משפיע I speak with almost daily. My greatest weakness is becoming my greatest asset...
I really feel this way. I was trying to figure out why my first-step work wasn't making me feel lousy, rather it gave me kind of a proud feeling. It's not that I'm proud of what I did; it's that I'm proud I belong. The greatest feeling was when my sponsor finished reading my inventory & said "yep. you definitely belong here!".
So don't feel bad for me. I'm happier & stronger than I've ever been, & I beg Hashem to continue helping me & all of us with our struggles!
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01 Mar 2019 16:17
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lifebound
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I personally agree with you, counting may be motivating for some but it doesn't work for me.
there was a Daily dose of Dov on this a while back:
Might you be pitted against a greater foe than you estimate? One day clean, then three days clean, then one day.... What is happening here? Is it all about racking the days up? Is it a game? I honestly believe that a game is what many folks make it... and strangely, that method may work just fine for them and I have no criticism for them at all.But: is it working for you ? All my crying, klopping al cheit and wishing I'd succeed does not make me really serious about this 'battle'. Taking it seriously does. And sincerity alone, has never won any battles. I needed real help and to take real measures to start really getting better "inside". Till then, nothing of any real consequence happened. Nothing but ping-pong.... and regarding ping-pong: A string of clean days once in a while is very nice, but this business of counting the days can sometimes be one of the strongest weapons that tayva/lust addiction/the YH/self-defeating behavior (or whatever you wish to call it) has against you. I believe that the one thing that some of us can do to practically assure that we will fail again and just shlep along till we get really messed up, is to count the days clean. We are just letting the pressure build up without making any true inner change. I am not posting this to you because it sounds good, nor just because it makes sense to me...but only because I have experienced it myself. Counting seems to be helpful for some people - yet total poison for others.
It starts with one ... and it ends with one . The days we stay clean do not really 'add up'. They are over as soon as it is the next day. I have never seen a pile of days anywhere? Have you? As the sefer Gesher Hachayim tells us (and as Hashem tells us in the Sh'ma when He says, "Hayom" a few times), our time here is made of one thing: now . The past is over and the future hasn't happened to us yet. So there is no such thing as "being clean for two days," at all. It is just a fantasy.... and fantasy is apparently not your friend, nor is it mine. It does seem to help other folks, but we need to look at what we are doing and admit if it works, or not, for us.
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28 Feb 2019 18:41
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OTR
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So anyone who knows mw here knows I am not one to rant and rave negativity. I do want to mention though that it is a little peculiar how people introduce themselves often on the site here. Introductions can be something like
"Hi/ I'm ----- I'm an addict and I am clean for --- days."
I feel that type of introduction misses the point of what we are here for. Also the whole counting this is very overblown here on the site. Can anyone clarify that they actually ARE (emotionally) more motivated to stay clean when they hit a number of days? I always found that counting never really motivated me and only just made me feel worse when I screwed up. Maybe it is different for others. I just feel counting expecially by the day is not a good idea. It's not like the one extra day under your belt gives you the feeling like 'now you can relax and be free of this addiction'.. just my thoughts. I am presently clean sine about the beginning of January I dont like focusing on it though. I just want to live.
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28 Feb 2019 05:13
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EscapeArtist
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yaaaaaawn...sorry
My adorable anxiety-ridden daughter burst into my room at about 5am, freaking out uncontrollably about she-has-no-idea-what. A real anxiety attack. My wife tried patiently to calm her down, telling her she has to take a deep breath & stop shouting. Nothin' doin'. My wife left the room & I took over. I have a drop more training in this area (Kudos to TU) & realize anxiety's a real illness, & not the poor kid's fault. I just hugged her & told her i know how hard this is for her & that she can't control it. She was calm in seconds.
After that round of applause I'll add that I still had to lay with her till it was just about time to get up for שחרית, as she has a knack for restarting the outbursts at the slightest annoyance. But it gave me plenty of time for reflection...
This 7 year old kid nebach has a real issue, but until it's acknowledged as a genuine problem, & not her "fault", we expect her to solve it, & of course, she can't. But as soon as I told her that I get it, & that she can't control it, she was cured, albeit for the moment. (We all know people who unfortunately refuse to acknowledge this as a real issue, & continue to live in suffering, ה' ירחם, but that's another shmuess...)
Kinda sounds similar to my issues. As long as I think I'm a normal guy who just enjoys acting out, I'm doomed. I gotta acknowledge that there's a real problem here, beyond my control.
Well, with the help of my wonderful sponsor (חצי שבחו בפניו), I finished my first-step inventory today. After reading all that, I can easily say, yeah, I got a problem. I'm outta control, & I've got my dear Chevra in SA to give me that hug & tell me they understand how hard this is for me, & they fully believe that it's not my fault. Now I'm ready to hand it over to Hashem to get me through this...
Thanks for letting me share.
(yes dear sponsor I know we've got a bunch more steps to work on... let me get some sleep first will ya'?)
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26 Feb 2019 20:26
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Hyr
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I think that's the worst place this addiction can lead to: not relapsing again and again, but the why behind it all: because you, me, we end up feeling like complete garbage. Absolute losers. And we begin to think that trying is pointless. What'll hanging in there, even for just a bit, help? I'm just going to relapse once again. Yeah, it's a given that I'm an evil sinner. Right?
Wrong!!! Nothing's a given! The yetzer is a master at bringing us to this point of wallowing in regret and guilt. Forget all of that. It's n the past. You're a new man now. Have you relapsed? Pick yourself back up. You fell, and that's it. It's in the past. Get right back into the fight. Don't wallow in negativity. That's all in the past. That's the first step: falling right. If you've fallen, you have to pick yourself up immediately. It's tough, but it's doable.
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