3. An extremely important next step is to accept yourself as you are.I had to learn that my perfectionist tendencies were poison. Hashem created us with urges and adding to that, we made some poor choices in the past that opened doors that were supposed to remain closed. This unfortunately intensifies our urges. At this moment we cant rewind the script of our lives. We have to face reality that we will unfortunately get triggered and will have all kinds of inglorious thoughts. It will take a long time for all that erotic garbage seared into our memory banks to recede. We will want to watch it again - "please, just one more time" - we will so badly want to watch it again. Similarly, the urge to escape tension/rejection or to release stress by mastubating developed into a very bad habit. It will take time and patience to learn healthy and kosher methods to replace masturbation relief. Meanwhile the urge to unzip and "just get it over with and feel better"  will exist.  We cannot decide that these urges define who we are. Chazal are full of evidence that big tzaddikim had urges. Our job at this point is to focus on the good things we do - learning, davening, doing chessed, etc., and appreciate any baby steps we are taking in the right direction to break free from inappropriate viewing, masturbating, and other related activities. We have pushed shame to the side and reached out for help/admitting our past actions, we have filtered our devices and made other gedarim to avoid triggers (maybe including monetary knasos), and we have begun the process of rewiring our brains about sexuality. These actions are actually true signs of much charata,vidui, and kabala l'asid. This is what Hashem wants. Hashem knows that where we are at today - when we space out, we sometimes will find ourselves daydreaming pornographic images, He knows that when we walk in the street we will notice certain "things". He knows that under stress or other emotional pressures our hands may head to their default "touching" location. And for those of us that are married, He knows the urge we sometimes have to try to convince our wives to help us satisfy selfish disgusting fantasies that we learned online. But Hashem is celebrating our ratzon tov to break free and He will help us because He loves us. Yi'ush has no place in yiddishkeit. Guilt is a completely non-Jewish concept. To walk around with the nose down, continuously looking at yourself as a rasha, loser , or shmatte is wrong, absolutely wrong. In fact, usually it just causes fellows to act out again. "If i am a loser anyway..."  On the other hand, charata, feeling bad to the extent that one wants to positively mend his ways is a very Jewish concept. So face it friends, we are going to have urges, sometimes strong ones, but we simply wont act on them. During an urge, hold your head high, be proud, you are not defined by your urges. Think about all the things you do correctly and how much effort you are putting into this parsha. Most of us will iyh develop the ability to say no to that urge using this technique. Hey, i really am a good guy! I am doing what i can and Hashem will help me be in control. I can iyh break out of bad habits and unhealthy thinking. (And if you are a true addict and cant use this strategy, get a sponsor and work the 12 steps, learn how to surrender that urge, and be proud that you can b'ezras Hashem stay pure using that mehalech.) 

Hello All,
For the past three years, I have continuously failed at the 90 days challenge, never getting past two weeks. Recently I have been going on two one-week streaks when  Rosh Hashana ended and now I have faced serious addiction to p***, mzl, and internet distractions in general. Until Chanukah, I will try to abstain from Goyish entertainment. For some reason filters don't work well on my computer (I've tried three or four).  Music and football take up so much of my time and sleep and I just want to spend my time wisely. I need my computer for homework, but I can do more of my homework in libraries with other students.
      This is day zero to my journey and I will try to climb out of the hole I've dug for the last three or more years. I also have trouble with motivation. I don't really care about anything except when showing off to other people and it is a really bad way to live. I really put in a lot of Cavanah in shul, and I feel sad on how I've quickly I've fallen. Whenever I have the slightest difficulty with my homework, I get distracted which sometimes leads to Shmutz. Does anyone have Torah suggestions to help me get out of this mess? I guess I should try to be a proud Jew and serve G-d as much as possible. Since tests are so sporadic, I have no real motivation to go to sleep early and avoid Shmutz. I am harming myself from lack of sleep and I don't care. How could I be a healthy, happy person without Shmutz?

Being hungry is never good for me as an addict - then i tend to look around more and be more restless. Today will be different as i have discussed this with someone on the program and we decided we will not go after lust today. Just today!

sleepy wrote on 27 Sep 2019 16:37:

Great post.  From experience, I had many 2-3 weeks streak before falling.  It was only once I joined the GYE forum was I able to get over the hump.

cordnoy wrote on 26 Sep 2019 12:17:

There is tremendous truth in what you quote. Of course there may be exceptions but many times the guys who are so busy noticing pritzus and being busy with it are those who are unfortunately struggling deeply with these issues. They don't realize what they are doing. They are actually fanning the flames of taivah/addiction and constantly exposing themselves to triggering scenes. Their subconscious is playing an evil trick on them. There is a second group of people who are wallowing in terrible feelings of yi'ush and guilt and are not yet ready to reach out for help. Usually these are perfectionists who have to appear to their families and friends as tzaddikim in all areas. To help assuage their tormenting emotions, they are "lochem milchemes Hashem" against the ruach ha'tumah etc. (And then they go home and with a total loss of control act out big time...) As stated in the beginning, there are of course truly ehrliche yidden who are well adjusted, healthy and clean who want to help protect our communities, but it appears this group is the smallest of the three mentioned.

stillgoing wrote on 26 Sep 2019 11:57:

Very good point. 

I once had a Rebbe say that nowadays we don't really believe in Hell.  Knowing something is bad on an intellectual level won't help an addict stop a bad behavior

Still Going - Are you in a better place now?  If yes, what helped you?  

Trouble wrote on 25 Sep 2019 20:19:

For all I know, it may well be true. It never stopped me though. When I watch porn I am a different person. What about my wife and kids? That alone should stop me. What about that I'm a respectable member of my community with public responsibilities? No knowledge has stopped me, but I'm very glad that it stopped you.

SpellBreaker42 wrote on 25 Sep 2019 19:43:

Deleted by moderator!
Deleted by moderator!
[Mod note: Trouble, please refrain from four-letter words and from defaming remarks and for inflammatory arguments laced with sultry innuendo; thank you.]

This logic never sits well with me, and it's probably false.

But if it works by you, go for it!

Hey everyone, this is so amazing. I'm so happy to see so many people waking up.
Here's how I was able to stop watching the poronos. 
I did some research and it turns out that alot of the woman who do this for a living are rape and molestation victims, so essentially every time you jeerk off to them you are feeding this rape cycle. These are runway models addicted to drugs and addicted to the trauma addicted to this lifestyle. How can you knowingly participate in rape?? Sorry for the grammar and all that. Just wanted to get that out there. It was easy for me to stop once my perspective on the people involved changed. 
Bless up and be strong, if I can stop so can u. 
Ps, the movies and TV shows you watch, are written and cast by literal Wizards and witches who cast spells to keep us all in a trance. So break the spell and stop the cycle and live a life free of the news and the media and the pornos. Because that will break the fear spell and the dispare spell. 
HT

First I would like to give  big thank you for the founder and moderators of this wonderful site that helped me tremendously since I signed up, 

My background is not much different then a lot of folks here, 
I am BH married with wonderful kids and a lovely wife, I was introduced to P and M at the age of 14 and it has been a struggle ever since, although I had little or no access until my wedding I would still act out while fantasizing... once married and got access to the web it got much worse.
I had some clean stretches here and there but always fell back after a while and would watch / read all kind of inappropriate websites.
Burich hashem after signing up to this amazing site and seeing that there are so many people out there that go through and suffer from the same lust addiction and sharing tips how to battle this issue it gave me a lot of chizuk to start the 90 day journey and BH I am clean now for 35 days and hopefully this is only the beginning and I will never fall again (I know its hard but am willing to fight)

Thank you everyone that posted their thoughts, compliments, advice, and life experience. It has been tremendously helpful. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending how you look at it) two days ago I found a whole new way to fall, my falling has been consistent for over 7 years with very minor changes. This is as if it's another planet. I didn't fall completely, I was so shaken up when I found it that even though I only looked for 5-10 seconds, I literally had tremors stopping myself from going back, (if I wasn't in yeshivah going to night Seder I for sure would have fell.) I'm working this here just because I want it to be public. If I use this new method to fall I am an addict and will join a program. This is not "a test" to see if I am an addict, it is just a fact if I don't have the control to stop it from going to a new level then I am addicted. I may be an addict anyway, or right at the edge (which doesn't really make any sense I get that but that's just how I feel.) But if I fall in this way I can't make excuses anymore, I'm writing this in public now so that in a year, (or a month, or a day) I don't say "no, but it was just one time, it doesn't really count, I don't have to do it." It has to be real. I think that's one of the main advantages of posting on gye, to turn this thing that's floating around in your head into something tangible that you could look to when your head isn't in the right space. And once again thank you.

In the beginning it is very difficult to measure if one is an addict or if one just has a very ingrained bad habit (which is most common). Although there are good therapists that can help make that determination, it is probably best to just avail yourself of all that the GYE site has to offer, see what resonates with you, stay in touch with some of the guys here who "speak your language", and get to work. As time goes on, you will iyh get to know yourself and understand your challenges better. Hatzlocha.

Quotes from the Big Book:
"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when lusting, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably addict. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
"The tragic truth is that if the man be a real addict, the happy day may not arrive. He has lost control. At a certain point in the actions of every addict, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail."

No one can tell you if you are an addict or not, only you can tell yourself.

In response to people saying "it doesn't matter whether you fit the criteria of addict":

Sure it does! Addiction must be tackled very differently than a classical nisayon.

(I believe the basic defining factor of whether or not you should consider yourself an "addict" is this: do you have control over your lust? Or are you powerless)

I will be a little harsh, but what is the worse for your wife : telling her that you will install a filter on your phone, like the recommandations of ALL gedolim of our generation, and that you are protecting yourself from shmutz... or she find that you have looked to shmutz on your phone ?

I was in that situation some years ago, and if the answer is now obvious to me, I know that this a typical plea of the yetser hara to prevent us of installing a filter...

Also, in many cases, the addiction is just a symptom and not the root cause...
Did you try to analyze what are the triggers that lead you to falls ? It could be stress, tiredness, anger, anxiety...
The real work will be to work on them... And then, the desire will decrease.