Its ok, inappropriate things will pop up onto your devices sometimes no matter how strong your filter is. Just remember the 3 second rule: If you see something inappropriate on your screen you have 3 seconds to delete it or else it will affect your mind. Don't think about it or stare at it. If you see it, delete it. Once you get used to it it will help a ton.
In general, if you feel like the Yetzer Hara is trying to get you don't fight it, there's no way you can win a fight with him. We call the recovery from our addictions 'battles' but really they should be called 'retreats.' The best way to avoid giving in is by having the mindset of running away from the Aveirah. If you know that if you go on a certain device that you will fall, stay far away from that device. Don't even bother turning it off, just keep it far away from you and go away from it until the urge goes away. It also helps to go into a room where lots of people are, or some public place where you know there's no chance that you'll give in to the Yetzer hara there. If you don't feel like going outside, learning torah, playing video games, reading books, and listening to music are all ways that I have used to get rid of the urge and they really do work as long as the things you're reading, listening to, or playing aren't inappropriate. Going on the Guard Your Eyes website and randomly reading through forums and watching the videos is an even better way to help yourself.
I hope that helps. Good luck on your 'retreats!!!'
Hi guys, for the near future I’ll be posting from my phone(the only site I have access to is gye-my wife has the restrictions passcode FYI) because yesterday I was able to change our filtering software so that my wife gets the weekly tracking reports in her email. My wife doesn’t know I have a problem so she thinks we have a filter/tracker as insurance of sorts. The reports were sent to a different email address that she no longer uses, and she didn’t care to look at them, and that is what made this so hard because I knew how to bypass the filter(though not the tracker) and she wasn’t looking at the website history as it was sent to an old defunct email address. But now she’ll get the weekly reports again! I’ve been wanting to do this for a while without alerting her to my problem but couldn’t do so without alerting her to my addiction. But yesterday she mentioned that our filter was blocking some (appropriate) sites she wanted to use and asked if I could delete the filter (just shows you how clueless women are). I spent some time her password was easy to guess and made the adjustments so she gets the reports now. I mad a long randomized password , sent it to her and deleted the text message so I don’t have the password and can’t guess it. (I won’t use the desktop version bc she will wonder why I’m on gye every day now that she’ll get the weekly tracking summary. )This makes things so much easier beCause 99% of relapses were on my laptop. Thank God! The challenge will continue but this is a major major boost. For the first time ever I feel like 90 days is really within reach. It’s hard to type on a phone so I hope what I write makes sense. My future posts will Have to be shorter.
on a diff note check out session one of this free self help webinar
It’s really good and you can email the guy to sign up before April 10th his email is towards the end of the video. It’s not addressing addiction specifically but growth and change more generally but it seems clear from the presentation that he has a lot to say about addiction also.
I have a lot more to say but it’s really hard to type from a phone. Stay strong everyone!
Addiction is more powerful than us, and if we try to fight it head on we will almost always lose. Once we are standing at the edge of the cliff, we are very vulnerable to falling off of it. Instead, we must stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible. Therefore, one of the most powerful tools in this struggle is making good fences.
One great way to make "a fence" is to create a list of things that we will do before allowing ourselves to fall. The list can be made up of various items, such as "call mother", say a Kappitel Tehilim, take a 20 minute walk, etc... Just pulling out the list and looking at it may already be enough to dissuade us from acting out!
Hodu Lashem Ki Tov Ki L'Olam Hasdo. Today marks the start of day 15 clean which means that I have made it two weeks by the kindness of Hashem. I cannot believe I have made it this far and I am excited and hopeful for the future.
I can say that it is getting harder to stay clean day by day. In the evenings I am starting to experience more of an urge and it is taking a serious amount of work and willpower to stay out of it. One thing I wish I could do better is to ask Hashem for help when I'm experiencing the urges. The 20 minute delays and the CBA are extremely helpful but I would like to include Hashem in the process since ultimately I cannot do this without Him. If He wants me to be clean I will be.
In another odd turn of events I experienced two nocturnal emissions last night and I wasn't thinking about triggers or my urge when I went to bed. I also don't remember having any dream whatsoever last night so the cause is a mystery to me. I also hardly ever experienced this before in my life. I've had a few here and there but usually it was associated with explicit thoughts going to sleep or I had an explicit dream. I was thinking maybe this is the beginning of my body going through some kind of withdrawal. Is that a thing? Did anyone else experience something like this and what advice can you give me?
I just want to clarify that while I did experience these emissions and I was with my wife once since I started this journey I am still counting it clean because I am working on breaking free from porn and masturbation. Those are the things I am clean from.
Another thing that has gone well recently is I spoke to my wife again yesterday about getting a therapist. I told her after our last discussion that I tried doing some research and found one that is close by and will also do virtual sessions. I mentioned that he works with anxiety issues. I left out that he also works with porn addiction. To be fair, I probably won't bring it up in our first few sessions anyways. I'm not sure how long it will take to get the courage to tell another person face to face.
There are a number of ways to define addiction. If you have a desire to do something, and know you shouldn't be doing it but go on to do it anyway, that indicates a loss of control. When this is repetitive, it justifies being considered an addiction.
OCD people may feel compelled to do things, but these are generally not things that are wrong. For example, repeated hand-washing, repeating words in davening, etc. OCD often responds well to medication, addiction does not.
You should accept that you do not have control over your acting-out, and therefore avail yourself of sources of help.
You know, you are a warrior.. It's just us few against the world... There is an active push, the likes of which we have never seen in the history of the world, to convert the entire world into a cesspool of lust... Even in the hippy free-love 60s, the stuff was limited in terms of its frequency and location... We have reached a point where lusting uncontrollably is encouraged and glorified... So for you to have taken on this challenge, you have decided to take on the world itself... I don't know how Reb Guard came up with this network or if he is some sort of Navi, but this refuge may be the only hold-out left on Earth... Thank you for being a part of it...
Em, hello everyone, I don't if I can call myself an addicted person, because there're times when I can be many days without looking at or doing it. Although the urges come back and I can be many days at it.
Anyhow, I somehow got to this website and found it interesting, because I came to the conclusion (some time ago) that porn it not only becoming very twisted, but also it depicts a "reallity" that influences my perception of reallity, although I didn't do anything about it. Besides, truth be said, the first time I found about this web was a month ago and I had been 11 days without doing it, so I just thought I didn't need this. But, when I got to 20 something days, the urges came back and didn't leave me. So here I am, after watching the panel with Eli Nash and the others about porn addiction. I guess that panel indeed had an effect on me.
Checking in again. Today is day 13 clean so far. Last night was a real struggle. I saw something triggering on Tik Tok and put on my timer for 20 minutes. I played some video games to distract myself but I stayed triggered for most of that time. In the past 12 days that I was clean I don't remember ever having such a strong urge. I pulled out my CBA and reviewed the benefits of section I've completed and I was still battling. I tried jumping onto the forums here on GYE for a while but oddly I started to feel more triggered when reading some of the posts (maybe it was a bad thread to read at that time) so I logged out and hopped on my email. I listened to a few of the GYE chizuk broadcasts. I was still feeling a decent urge so I just called it a night and went into bed. I put my phone on my bedside table (just out of reach) and Baruch HaShem I made it. Honestly last night it was clear to me what I keep hearing.
I am powerless to break free. Only Hashem can help me out of this. I am totally dependent on His help. On the other side of that I'm so grateful and feel so blessed that He gave me another day clean. That's one more day that proves Hashem hasn't given up on me. If He hasn't given up on me it means that He believes in me. He believes I have potential for greatness. I cannot describe the energy and pride that waking up to another clean day generates. It feels great.
On another note I spoke with my wife about some of my issues with dealing with anxiety and how in the past I used to turn to various things to help me cope - some healthy some unhealthy - and that lately I've been noticing that I am having a very difficult time with anxiety. I told her I don't think I'm coping properly and it is reaching a point where I am having trouble functioning properly, meaning to say I am not meeting all my responsibilities. I asked her what her thoughts were on me seeing a therapist and she was surprisingly very supportive. She encouraged me to go even if just to hear them say "you don't need to be here". I've started to do some research and found a local therapist who specializes in anxiety but also specializes in porn/sex addiction. I'm thinking about scheduling an appointment to try it out. I've never done therapy before and I'm very nervous but almost every single person I've spoken to or heard from so far who has gotten out of this was in therapy.
What is the olam's thoughts on this? Is individual therapy mandatory in recovery? Can it hurt? How do you pick a great therapist? What questions do you ask?
First the bad news-I had a relapse yesterday. I'm not gonna lie. This hurts bad inside. I'm in a lot of pain. I just want to be free of this addiction. I'm so sick of not being in control. I know I can do this, but sometimes the battle is so disheartening.
The good news is that I got a streak of 13 days and that's a start.
I'll post more of a self pep talk tomorrow, but what do you guys tell yourselves after a relapse to get pumped up for the next round?
Day #16 in the books
I've been thinking a bit about what @ColinColin said, and there's a question I've been struggling with:
What is my attitude supposed to be toward my desires? I know that in and of itself it's not a bad thing, and treating it as such could be dangerous... On the other hand, it's not something I can put to good use at the moment (I'm a single guy in my lower 20's, not actively in shidduchim). It's confusing that it's a powerful thing that can be used for good, but at the moment, I "have to" kind of villify it. Maybe there are differences to draw between regular desires and addictive behavior? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Do you believe you have regular desires or addictive behaviour?
What's the difference? From all my experience all I've really gleaned is: you gotta be honest about it, do you see a pattern? Does it become an obsession taking away chunks of your time (both watching the stuff AND figuring out how to beat it)? Is it once a month or five times a week, or day? Does it drive you crazy and can you not really stop once you start? Do you cross boundaries?
In program we learn that sex is optional. I have yet to accept this myself, it's too scary. But when living on those lines I have never felt serenity like that before.
In my yiddishkeit I have been led to believe it's a need, like eating. I believe that's one of many components contributing to my demanding attitude and sickness.
One of the stories at the back of the big book I like, his therapist challenges him to go a day without drinking, and he did do it, and told her all the crazy strategies and insane things he needed to do to make it through. The therapist told him to the extent of "If you need to control it, then it's obviously out of control".
Just my thought on if I have to strategize and focus on something for a large, disproportionate chunk of the day, there might be something a little more sinister under the surface.
@Singularity, your pretty insightful, if you look at my original story (https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/312249-I-Need-To-Stop), theres a lot going on thats much deeper than the struggle itself. Technically I'm treating the symptoms(small wins) of symptoms(breaking through addiction) of a much larger problem(mental health) that I'm trying to work through. This list isn't implying that working on myself stops at my Gedarim for shmiras eynayim/bris, trust me, if I want to see real success the work is going to go much much deeper.
For this list though, I'm dealing with one issue specifically, but at the same time I am working on mental health with a professional. A long long time ago I was adamant about not going to a professional, Rebeim were my outlet (even though I didn't tell them about about this struggle.) Then I crashed further than even thought I could, and I would give anything for sustained health (mental + physical), THERE IS NO BETTER INVESTMENT. Since then along with everything else I'm working at what I believe is a high level.
And just a not to all those that are scared of seeing a mental professional, I get you. Until my close friend divulged that he really needed that type of help, I thought that only "sick people" got that type of help, and people beyond fixing used that "as last straw". (Although this is also true), it doesn't mean that your messed up because you need some help to get through life. Whatever your going through (especially these inyanim), there is nothing more part of your avodas Hashem to invest more into your mental health. And I promise ITS NOT AS SCARY AS IT SEEMS, once you get everything off your chest, it feels freeing, and you can finally begin working forwards instead of backwards. From a person who never wanted to speak to anyone, please trust me, and help yourself and those around you. There is only to gain.
My experiences were both form a jewish and secular perspective. The psychologist had 2 switches, when I wanted to here that Hashem loved me, he had all of the sources in the world (he's breslov). When I didn't want to hear any of that and just wanted practical advice he flipped that switch on. BH I can say for myself that even though Im not fully past this yet, I don't know where I would be without it.
p.s. If anyone else has any further questions about speaking to a professional, or advise on how to work with someone (I am no proffesional) please feel free to private message me.
Day #16 in the books
I've been thinking a bit about what @ColinColin said, and there's a question I've been struggling with:
What is my attitude supposed to be toward my desires? I know that in and of itself it's not a bad thing, and treating it as such could be dangerous... On the other hand, it's not something I can put to good use at the moment (I'm a single guy in my lower 20's, not actively in shidduchim). It's confusing that it's a powerful thing that can be used for good, but at the moment, I "have to" kind of villify it. Maybe there are differences to draw between regular desires and addictive behavior? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Giving in to our desires only strengthens them. The nature of desire is that it makes us urgently want even more. Because we feel this urge even while we are indulging, it hampers our ability to enjoy the pleasure. We feel unfulfilled and long for something better.
Another reason physical pleasures can’t make us happy is that they only last for a short time and then are gone, leaving us with nothing. To make matters worse, realizing this limits our enjoyment during the short time we experience it. Deep down, we know that something that lasts so short can’t be what we really seek.
We need to realize that even though pleasure might be tempting and enjoyable, we don’t really need what we desire. This lets the air out of the balloon of desire and can even help us escape strong addictions. Of course, it takes much work to acquire and live with this perspective, especially if we face powerful desires. That’s why for now it’s just food for thought. But through contemplation, we will eventually no longer feel that we need what we desire, and with the newfound calmness this brings us, we will be able to slow down our desires to achieve astounding success.
The power that a man has in his drives is not just enjoyment--it is a great part of his spiritual connection with Hashem. The power to procreate, to bring up yet another generation, is the greatest power Hashem has bestowed upon a human being. By this power one connects to G-dliness, he becomes an integral part of the Creator Himself. That is why it is so prohibited-because one is wasting the power that Hashem gave him. He throws away the connection of Hashem in vain, similar to the biblical prohibition of uttering Hashem's Name in vain.
Here is some insight to understand the difference of regular desires vs addiction. Addicts commonly continue their behavior even while reporting that the substance is no longer pleasurable. Addicts often express that they continue to "use" even when they no longer derive any pleasure.
With Hashem's help you'll be able to gain the proper perspective and WIN this great war!
Day #16 in the books
I've been thinking a bit about what @ColinColin said, and there's a question I've been struggling with:
What is my attitude supposed to be toward my desires? I know that in and of itself it's not a bad thing, and treating it as such could be dangerous... On the other hand, it's not something I can put to good use at the moment (I'm a single guy in my lower 20's, not actively in shidduchim). It's confusing that it's a powerful thing that can be used for good, but at the moment, I "have to" kind of villify it. Maybe there are differences to draw between regular desires and addictive behavior? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Another update:
...
I've also begun to speak more openly with my wife about my feelings. It's been a few days where I have been trying hard not to keep everything to myself but just be vulnerable and put my cards on the table. I don't mean in regards to this addiction, I'm still not there. But just in general in regards our relationship and raising our kids and life. To give some more context the past few years I've been struggling with shalom bayis and the worst part was that we have had a huge emotional disconnect. It probably has a lot to do with my issues but nonetheless it has been spiraling downward.
Yes, having an affair with a woman on the computer screen does spell a bad case of shalom bayis!!
@DavidT you are unquestionably correct. Unfortunately this is easier said then done.
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My addiction is largely due to the fact that I have a dysfunctional relationship with God. Years ago, when I was more inspired religiously, the thought of looking at inappropriate content never even crossed my mind, despite the fact that I had unfiltered internet access. This isn't the forum to discuss my religious issues, though. In the meantime, I'll keep searching for that elusive relationship with God and try to not numb the painful void with pornography