Hey AntonyJew, so much to say. First of all, you are incredible and what you are going through is totally and completely normal. You are not alone! I see myself in your description of your struggle. 

Practically speaking, I have experience with two areas I think might be helpful. 

First of all, about talking to the wife. Obviously each relationship is different. I had been struggling with sex addiction (porn, relationships with boys and girls throughout high-school etc) for 15 years before marriage, since age 5. (Yes, I somehow knew then there was something dirty about it which led to shame, which led to more acting out... and you know the way it goes.) I was convinced marriage would change the game for me. I met this amazing girl and invested a ton into building the relationship. I am a sensitive person and went all in, bh we built an incredibly strong bond even before getting married. I made reference while dating to my struggles, she knew of my past girlfriends etc. but I never went into detail - was too scared, thought she understood from my references and felt there was no point anyhow since that chapter in my life was over. Well guess what. That's right! It wasn't over. A month or so after, I was back at it in earnest. A year into my marriage, I got into gye and faced the fact that I am an addict. I started listening to dov's classes (life changing, but also sometimes off-putting) and got into the 12 steps. I went with the surrender tactic for 80 days (my wife was pregnant, so being together constantly helped, bh our emotional and physical bond is awesome) until I feel again. I was devestated. I was convinced i had broken free. Anyways, another half a year of acting out and i had enough. I was on the verge of suicide. I couldn't handle the lying the sneaking the shame the guilt. I just couldn't. And so one night after summoning up the courage I told my wife after dinner that i had to speak with her. It was the most TERRIFYING thing I have ever done. EVER. I thought I am risking my life. Risking my marriage. Risking everything. But the hell i was facing in the other direction was worse than anything that might happen. bari v'shema bari adif. And so i poured out my heart. I told her everything. Every last detail. Starting from when i was 5. The ups and the downs. The falling and getting back up. The self-loathing and shame. The compulsion. The inability to do what I truly wanted - to break free. And she listened. And she validated me as much as she could. And she respected my courage and honesty. I cried for two days straight, literally. At one point, she - in trying to process this - said that if I couldn't get this under control she couldn't stay with me and I almost died right there on the spot. If I lose her I am finished. She knows that. I am nothing without her. And I tell her that every night. And so we came up with plans to implement. And this speaks to your filter question. We go covenant eyes filter on my laptop and filter on my phone. And with my newfound resolve, I went 85 days again - until I discovered a loophole and crashed last tisha b'av, a year ago. Since then, until 28 days ago, i was stuck in the cycle once more. Of course I tried new filters, new ways, but I wasn't strong enough. I was caught two more times via the good services of covenant eyes (i hate that organization more than anything in the world but they will likely have a tremendous hand in saving my life). And after being caught the second time I decided to begin again in earnest. Reading and posting daily on the forum has been huge for me. All my devices are currently filtered bh. Just tonight i put covenant eyes on my wife phone (hope she doesn't mind!) so it would no longer be a temptation. And I am looking forward to my freedom, one day at a time. 

That's my little story (IN SHORT!). Again, every relationship is different so I have no clue if telling is the right thing -  you have to know your wife, your marriage, how invested she is, what her nature is, how naive she is, etc etc etc etc etc. But for me, it was a game changer and makes it a heck of a lot easier. 

Anyway, that's enough out of me (for now.) I  bless you with strength and courage. GYE is saving lives, and I hope you and I will be counted among them. 

Shabbat shalom

Hey Trapped, I hear you, I was just like you, just a while ago. I love another way Dov puts it: the addict's problem is he takes sex way too seriously. He gets really pissed off if his wife turns him down and he's constantly thinking about it even if he doesn't say anything. Deep inside he's pissed off. We are so used to it that it just feels natural and right to think we can't live without it but it isn't natural to feel that way. So I second what everybody here has been saying. You need to change your mindset around sex. It seems impossible but it's not. From what you describe your experience really does seem like a living gehenom and it sure is hard keeping clean like that if you're constantly obssessed about sex. I know I was and it felt just like you described, a daily torture. Have you listened to Dov's and Daniel's 12 step shiurim? They're really good. It's all about letting go of lust. You said you've been "poking" around. That's the whole issue. The masturbation is just the unfortunate consequence of "poking" around. You need to let go of all "poking" on the internet and fantasizing, the extra look at a woman, tv ad, or whatever. At first it will hurt. Force yourself for a week. Very agressive shmiras einyaim. And shemiras hamachshave. Bad thought comes, immediately think about something else. Doesn't even have to be Torah. Anything kosher. Do that for a week, and it will get easier. But it will hurt at first. It will seem unnatural. But give it a shot. The problem with "poking" around is that, it progressess and feeds the addiction. That's why you should focus on these "minor incidents". And do hear the 12 step shiurim. They're really eye-opening.
Anyway thank you for opening up to us, it gives me great chizuk and I'm sure you're mechazek everyone by opening up your true feelings.

Thank you, brothers. I wasn't expecting that much of support...
I'm really ashamed to write this, but here's my update: I binged. Badly, fell four days in a row. One of the big lies is, that you will feel better, at least for a while. I felt terrible, worse every day. I analyzed this feeling. At least it reminded me why I hate this addiction so much. Now I'm 30 hrs clean, so hopefully I made my first step, which is to stop.

This experience made me really humble. I think it's good and I'm going to need it if I want to reach 90 days and eventually stay clean.

Last year I was slowly getting better. I had longer streaks of being clean, up to 30+ days. I think I lowered my guard. It became much easier to survive another day, so I started to think I can (at least in a way) control this addiction. 

Truth is, I only need an opportunity and I start to roll downhill. Last month took me by surprise. It was really bad, worst in my whole year, maybe even 2 years. But because it was so bad, I started looking for new tools and that's how I got here. Maybe Hashem is strengthening me and directing to the correct path, by exposing to recent falls.

I really appreciatie all your comments, it is a great push for me. I'm back in square one, yeah, but I'm not giving up! I fell into the mud, face down and his time this addiction kept me down. But now I'm standing up! Until I breath, there's hope. Until I breath, I can make a choice and change my life. And I intend to choose right or die trying. By your support, you're giving me yet another reason to fight. May Hashem bless you and give you strength.

Can you explain what you mean here?
How to you define the levels of addiction?
is there really such a thing? Or is it that either you are or your not an addict?
Isnt addiction a disorder?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 20:00:

Have you had a discussion with your parents on the fact that you have knowledge of this issue? Perhaps ask them if they would be willing to install filtered internet, I’m not in your house and don’t know if your parents are supportive of you or not but generally they are and they will respect you if you ask them to filter due to the addictions that arise from these situations.

Hi,
I went to therapy to help with my addiction. BH i am very grateful that i found a good one on the first try! Someone who dedicated his life to helping people with this addiction! It definitely cost a pretty penny but he cares just as much, and i can confidently say that it was successful!
Along the journey we discovered other issues that needed work such as ADHD. For me the best way to deal with it is with meds. It is important to recognize that medication is not a "magic pill" (mind the pun). Medication is usually given to substitute for a chemical imbalance, so it is only useful if you actually need it... Plus you will definitely still need to work on yourself or the medication will not be nearly as effective...

Shalom.
I thought to "reintroduce myself," in order to provide a more accurate account of my past challenges up to today.
I am a ba'al teshuvah since 2005. It was about seven years ago, that I first learned of GYE through an add online at Arutz Sheva. At that time porn was not an issue; nor did I have Internet access at my place of residence - by choice. I did not even own any type of an electronic device with Internet capability. However, once, after inadvertently watching a sexually explicit music video online, I became inquisitive. I started viewing other videos online at You Tube, at the university, where I had access to a computer.
Sometime later, I joined GYE. I realized that even one photograph of a licentious nature would negatively impact my kedushah. ​I began to receive the chizuk emails from GYE. At my apartment, I was Internet free. Even so, MB had been a habit since my youth; so, I shamefully admit that this continued to be a problem. Despite all that I learned, I was still challenged; even after reading a lot of material on shmiras habris.
Eventually I got a small tablet; yet, I refrained from acquiring wifi at my apartment, even though the service was included with my rent. I knew from my reading at GYE, how serious porn addiction was; so, I made every effort to prevent the occurrence. However, I got wifi eventually, and was o.k for a while, until I found the flaws in my electronic device, as well as the back doors to the filter(s) that I had installed. I am still challenged today; and, I consider myself to be a low level addict.
Relatively speaking, I know that I am not at all immune, and do not want the situation to worsen; I would like to "stay out of the gutter" of shmutz one hundred percent. 

Thanks. I will stay strong, bezras Hashem.
its just hard to believe, what makes porn sites so much worse, addictive than videos on YouTube.
My chavrusa in Yeshiva told me there’s a big difference, so I trust him, and I trust you guys.
its just hard to imagine...
But I’m committed not to find out.
Bh I have gedarim, but it’s still hard because my home is full of unfiltered Internet.
but I’ve made it this far and will bezras Hashem make it.
shkoyach!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 05:33:

Take it from any of us, it's not worth it to even look once...we all rue the day we did and it takes alot of energy and time to fight out of this mess. I would give you all my money to get back my life prior to opening the box.

Hey there fellow, thank you for the heads-up and at the same time a word of caution. Perhaps my words were a bit misconstrued. I didn't go to a psychiatrist because of my addiction to P and M, or rather, not specifically for that goal. The shrink saw the P and M as one of the many symptoms of my anxiety disorder. Nor do I advocate for meds outright. A psychiatrist, where I live (not in the US), is both a therapist and a certified physician. So he is 100% able to diagnose you and he might even say no, you don't need meds, you can do therapy x, y, z etc. But he might as well give you meds, or both meds and therapy. Every psychiatrist, as far as I'm concerned, is not interested in giving you drugs forever. There is such a thing as an intent to "wean you off". But some conditions are chronic and of course, the choice is all yours not to take any meds. But I say I grossly underestimated the impact my condition had on me. The psychiatrist pointed out a lot of things I was overlooking, besides P and M, that were symptoms of an anxiety disorder. I say go to a psychiatrist. It doesn't mean you'll qualify for meds. You need an assessment. You need to tell him your life story, how do you feel on a day to day basis. Do you have trouble sleeping?etc etc. Only then he will be able to tell you what to do. He is the only one who can tell you, if you could benefit from meds or if your case could be solved by therapy alone. The side effects could arguably be less than that of an over the counter pain-killer and depending on your case, greatly improve your quality of life in general.

TRAPPED wrote on 04 Aug 2020 14:02:

I am not saying that you are only worried about death, I am just saying that untill your last breath you HAVE the ability to choose. And since your such a holy Yid and you started your journey with specific goals, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO KEEP FIGHTING. Remind yourself about what made you start the journy and keep your eyes on the road ahead. Keep your feet on the gas, do not break. You are moving forward. Just keep going. Hashem will give you a hand. You just keep moving!! We are all so proud of you!! 

Thanks, but death isn't the only thing i am worried about. I think not acting out and falling and getting back up and going through this horrific cycle a million times is a miserable way to live. More miserable than being a porn addict against your will or ability to control. 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 05:33:

Welcome!  First of all, I also want to reiterate what you said:

I am humbled and honored to be in the presence of such Giborei Koach, true warriors of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

I joined GYE a couple of years ago and the posts I read never ceases to amaze me.  This chevra radiates Kedusha. 

As it relates to your struggle.  I have to admit that I am jealous of you.  B'H you have never "crossed" to the other side.  Once you start going onto porn sites, it gets extremely difficult to break the habit.  So even though, you are feeling the desire to "check it out", take it from someone who's been there and rues the day he ever went there.  Hold on tight.  You can do it!  you'll breath big sigh of relief on your first day of zman.

I want to stop hurting my wife. I want to stop the sneaking around, the pain she feels when I am caught. I the guilt and horrible shame I feel when I am caught. The double life I am living. The distraction from my work. I want to have a strong foundation for my avodas Hashem. To stop living in lowliness. To learn and daven in purity. To regain full attraction to me wife and focus only on her. I want to break free from the chains of the past. From this addiction and compulsion that I feel I cannot break free from but that will destroy me and my relationships if I don't stop it. 

And I know this all with absolute clarity. But somehow its just not enough to stop me, because the other hand is maybe just as bad. I can't function without it. Its my only excitement and comfort. I genuinely love the feeling. I adore it. I obsess over it. And why shouldn't I? There is no feeling like it, right? Its by far the most intense pleasure we can feel. And we are SURROUNDED by it on all sides, it follows me everytwhere. I feel powerless. I feel broken. I feel that I want to give in, that I want to end this miserable cycle and just acccept that I cannot do this. I honestly feel it is not my fault. Hashem knows that if I could choose, I would choose to throw this away every single time. When I a, "clean" I feel so free! I don't even think about it! But then the taivah starts again and I can not function anymore. I feel forced. I feel like its beyond my ability to control this. I am burning in that area. I can't focus. I feel like if I would just release i can have menuchas hanefesh and would save me from looking at more bad things and risking getting caught. I don't think it's fair I have to go through this. Everyone talks about the poor wives. I feel MUCH worse for the men. We suffer in ways they cant imagine. I can't open up to her becuase she wouldn't understand. I have gone through hell, for years. A constant cycle. Not chosen by me. I dealt with ssa which eventually stopped. Attraction to kids which completely went away. And now I am entrenched in porn. And I feel sorry for myself, angry at Hashem, and frustrated because the thing my life has come to depend on is assur, hurtful to my wife, and wrong for many reasons. So where does that leave me? Eternal suffering? Kaf hakelah? Maybe that's it, maybe this is hell? Because it certainly feels that way.  

I really don't know what to do. I am on 26 days and I feel like I am about to fall. I have been peeking at things the past three days (risking getting caught again by my wife who sees covenent eyes reports). Nothing explicit, but enough to drive me crazy. By some miracle, I have not released. I am in huge turmoil. I can't focus on my work, I already feel the guilt of having "slipped" even though I didn't truly fall, I feel tired and anxious and angry. I really feel angry that I have to go through this. I know everything is Hashem and this is what He wants and I can beat this but I literally feel like I can't function without this. It's not fair. Years of pain, of struggle. Years. And I'm still stuck as ever. I guess I am screaming out for help. I don't know what to do. I want this more than anything. I can't fall back into my porn addiction. I want and have begun to break free. If the more experienced (and succesful) members here can please give some advice. I am at the end. I don't think I can do this. And I don't either think it is my fault.