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07 Dec 2020 05:23
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wilnevergiveup
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Dec 2020 20:02:
The GYE main page featured a Email I sent them, called “The Broken Bochurim.”
You can check it out and let me know what u guys think.
You can say whether u agree etc
Shkoyach
Powerful!
Are you also saying that people are staying away from GYE because they think it's catering more towards addicts and that freaks them out?
Maybe we need to focus more on making this struggle something normal that everyone goes through instead of blowing it up and labeling it an ADDICTION. While I understand the logic behind that as well, I think we need to split up the target audience. The average yeshiva bochur already knows that no matter what he does he will burn in hell for all eternity, that his learning is not the same and that he really needs to stop but just doesn't know how. What he needs to know is that what he is going through is normal and regular and that he is most likely NOT addicted. If he thinks he is normal, then there is a chance that he will get the help he needs to stop.
Someone who is significantly further down the and this little habit of his is taking over his life, family, work and everything else important to him, he may need a wake up call that his behavior has addictive tendencies.
But these are two separate audiences with different needs.
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06 Dec 2020 21:42
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Grant400
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Lou wrote on 06 Dec 2020 21:24:
Hello Brothers,
I have been having a thought recently and I am wondering if this ever occurs to others. In our quest for tumah at times we end up also getting caught up with the society part of it as well. In other words if i watch a certain youtube personality,i come there for the tumah but I end up being interested in the latest video and news about them. (Note,I am trying to keep my words regarding this as parve as possible to avoid any triggering or anything like that,therefore I might sound a little vague). As I am working on getting clean,I sometimes think wow! will I never see that again?? Will I never see ..... person again? Will I never see this genre of video again? There are more examples but you get the idea.and it can get overwhelming. I know the answer is just take one day at a time but just wanted to share this feeling with you all.
The point you are raising has loads of truth to it. I know exactly how you feel. As people know over here, and you can read it in my thread I was an insane regular movie addict. Watching at all hours of the night sometimes a few movies a day while keeping a normal schedule, which means I'd very often be up till 5:00 a.m. and only stop, because I would feel really stupid if my wife woke up and caught me again watching the whole night. I initially wanted to stop for a while (90 days) to break the addiction, mainly because it was taking over my life and getting out of hand, but after joining GYE and reading a little of the handbook, I learned what an impact it had on my lust levels. I realized that it may have to be longer term i.e. forever?!?
When I read that article explaining how if one wants to completely eradicate lust from his life, he must stop giving himself even the smallest tastes through movies etc. I literally laughed out loud and said to myself this ain't happening! There's no way in the world I am giving up my favorite pastime / addiction.
Well, that was my mind trying to comprehend something while it was entrenched in it. Of course it seemed insurmountable. The key is to stop deciding how we will feel in a month or two based on the way we feel now. As time goes on perspectives change (if we work on it properly). I am now heading towards 5 months of not watching anything alone, sometimes kosher stuff with wife, but no more of those...you know what I mean. Do I miss it yes! Is it a battle sometimes? Absolutely! But at the same time I have such a great appreciation for being clean and for the difference it has made in my lust levels. (And bedroom life actually, no more emulating false news in real life). So it's very much not the same battle anymore.
So yes, right now you cannot understand giving up certain parts of what you do, but that is with today's emotions and understanding. Stop looking so far in the past without taking into account the changes that will happen within and the perspectives that will begin to shift throughout this period of tremendous growth.
This is what we call ODAAT. It's not just a cliche. It's fundamental.
Grant
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06 Dec 2020 21:03
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Lou
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I would like to clarify something. I am sure this is something that has been chewed over countless times here on GYE,but please indulge me and allow me to have some chewing time too.
Can someone please clarify what is the definition of an addiction? When is a behavior considered to be an addiction? Regarding our shared struggles here on GYE, Obviously every frum man has this struggle to a certain extent. Every person has a Yetzer Hara for Arayos etc and todays world is full of temptations. So, if someone falls in his nisyonos is he called addicted? Is it a certain amount of times that he falls to considered addicted? Furthermore,does it really make a difference if the term addicted is applicable or not? It is a struggle and it has to be worked on in whichever way works as long as it conforms halachicly and hashkaficly for that person. Or no, maybe there is a very different way to treat an addict and someone else and perhaps it would even be harmful to do otherwise?
Any thoughts are welcome.
Thanks!
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03 Dec 2020 02:41
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Dov
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Thanks so much. Becausevof this material, I've had the privilege of speaking to 4-5 new guys a week by phone, through GYE or SA connections. People call because writing back and forth behind usernames just doesn't cut it for people with a serious problem. Since I'm an addict in recovery, I understand and have no shame about being honest with another serious person and bH there are many.
So if anybody enjoys this thread and thinks they might benefit from discussing their own situation in light of anything mentioned here, you are welcome to call me at 917-414-8205
Hatzlocha and have a good day!
Dov
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02 Dec 2020 18:07
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Grant400
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anonymousmillenial wrote on 02 Dec 2020 15:51:
Hey Grant
I need your advice!
This is my problem.
I'm struggling. I haven't watched a regular movie (alone) in 4 1/2 months. But I'm stuck at home this week and I feel my ironclad resolve slowly starting to wither. I'm bored and I'm trying to convince myself that I will only watch completely clean. That i will only do it this week. That my intention was never to stop forever but just for 90 days, and now that the addiction is broken I can be a "social drinker ".
But I know that chances are once I break it I will slip and slide. So if you can help me out here I'd be grateful.
AM
What advice would you give me?
Now take that advice, and apply it to yourself.
Hey Mr. AM!
That's cute! I appreciate what you are pointing out. But we all know that even with the greatest clarity, resolve, experience and understanding when it comes to ourselves we can get all confused. Our emotions wreak havoc on formerly lucid perceptions. Causing transparency to become opaque. Like they say, when in the frame we can't see the picture.
It's a known fact that there are talented therapists who need therapy themselves. Famous Shalom Bayis educators who get divorced after many years of being married. Why is that? How can it be that they have successfully helped hundreds of people over the years with their clear insights and knowledge but they cant use that to salvage their marriage or heal themselves?
The answer must be, that knowledge and the ability to guide other people does not necessarily transform into being able to practice it automatically. Knowledge doesn't have to fight desire, nor must it combat emotion. When one passes on cold hard logic and instruction, it may seem like the person embodies what he preaches. In reality we can only hope so.
So yes, I may be quick to dish out advice. It may even be useful, and I do honestly try my best to live accordingly. As a whole I am successful, but that doesn't mean that I can't still become muddled and confused in the face of desire. I can still use a pat on the pack or a kick in the pants. A reassertion of what I know but may not feel in my bones right now. Just a friendly hey! Hang in there bro we know how you feel.
After being on GYE a while, as a whole regarding the main thrust of the issues here we all learned the truth. We all know were what and why. But we still come back and post. Why is that? Because we aren't seeking more information or better educational advice. We are seeking friends who understand us and can commiserate with us. Who can reaffirm what we already know and remind us of the commitment we already made, or to just give us a hug.
Grant
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02 Dec 2020 15:51
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anonymousmillenial
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Hey Grant
I need your advice!
This is my problem.
I'm struggling. I haven't watched a regular movie (alone) in 4 1/2 months. But I'm stuck at home this week and I feel my ironclad resolve slowly starting to wither. I'm bored and I'm trying to convince myself that I will only watch completely clean. That i will only do it this week. That my intention was never to stop forever but just for 90 days, and now that the addiction is broken I can be a "social drinker ".
But I know that chances are once I break it I will slip and slide. So if you can help me out here I'd be grateful.
AM
What advice would you give me?
Now take that advice, and apply it to yourself.
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02 Dec 2020 15:23
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Grant400
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qwerty123456 wrote on 02 Dec 2020 04:12:
hey grant, love your posts. thanks!
i can tell you my experiences with movies. i am a total addict to anything that can keep me from thinking. ive done my share of stopping movies, sometimes for well over 90 days, but as soon as i let it up, im right back to where i started...
so much so, that ive just started my newest no watching commitment, and my wife asked me if theres any way i can tweak it so i can still watch with her. but i know, that once i go there its all over
its just till the end of the week? hang in there!! read up on something that interests you (a book or articles)? (poetry seems like it might be up your alley  and, assuming youve had a standard yeshiva upbringing, most of your talent is natural. id guess theres more than enough on that to keep you busy till the end of the week!)
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. I actually do watch with my wife, but it's almost always family friendly and even if there is something here or there it's not a matzav of getting carried away...if you know what I mean. So far so good. I do know the truth, once I break it I'll be eating double portions to make up for lost time.
About the wife pressuring, my wife actually hates that I don't watch anymore. She feels bad when I'm bored or not feeling well or anything, that I don't have something to be my pacifier and mind number, although she doesn't call it those names. Let's call a spade a spade. But so far I haven't given in because let's face it. Since stopping, aside from lust related issues, including all the the desires to continue, the greatest emotion I've felt is freedom, liberty and the right to pursue happiness. Just joking about the last one. But I've really felt free! I didn't realize what a pressure my "pleasurable free time activity " actually became. Because I had to see this actor, or finish this series etc. But now I feel as if I've been broken out of King George's shackles.
"No taxation without representation"!!
There I go again...
Grant
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02 Dec 2020 04:12
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qwerty123456
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hey grant, love your posts. thanks!
i can tell you my experiences with movies. i am a total addict to anything that can keep me from thinking. ive done my share of stopping movies, sometimes for well over 90 days, but as soon as i let it up, im right back to where i started...
so much so, that ive just started my newest no watching commitment, and my wife asked me if theres any way i can tweak it so i can still watch with her. but i know, that once i go there its all over
its just till the end of the week? hang in there!! read up on something that interests you (a book or articles)? (poetry seems like it might be up your alley and, assuming youve had a standard yeshiva upbringing, most of your talent is natural. id guess theres more than enough on that to keep you busy till the end of the week!)
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01 Dec 2020 19:05
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Grant400
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Hey there. I'm struggling. I haven't watched a regular movie (alone) in 4 1/2 months. But I'm stuck at home this week and I feel my ironclad resolve slowly starting to wither. I'm bored and I'm trying to convince myself that I will only watch completely clean. That i will only do it this week. That my intention was never to stop forever but just for 90 days, and now that the addiction is broken I can be a "social drinker ".
But I know that chances are once I break it I will slip and slide. So if anyone can help me out here I'd be grateful.
Grant
P.S. If anyone is trying to reach me through the Rocket chat, I'm having difficulty with it and can't log in now. I can be reached at grant.400@yahoo.com.
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29 Nov 2020 05:16
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Zedj
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Day 5
To sum up the last few months....
about a month before sukkos, I, finally after so many years of useing, decided it was enough.
(Although I'm sure you'all already know I said "enough" hundreds if not thousands of times)
I realized this life isn't right, this is not my future, I cannot live a life that is contrary to my core beliefs of living a Torah true life.
The worst part was if I watched, then right after i had to daven mincha or maariv or sometimes even before shachris. It never was a good feeling.
I would ask myself how is it possible to live both extremes? You can't live a life of lies and live a life of truth at the same time.
the scariest thought for me was and is..how am I supposed to date or get married to someone (it's on the table in the next year or 2) while I am useing? How can I build a kosher home this way?
So after falling so low watching/useing almost nightly, with sleepless nights it was time.
The question was, where do I turn to?
I started googling a around and found a number to a chabad run drug/addiction rehabilitation center and emailed them.
It was my first time reaching out.
It was extremely difficult for me but I made the phone call. I had to, for me this was the beginning of my break free moment.
I was suggested gye and a few other sites. The rest is history.
I never thought I would I would have the power to get a filter,
I never thought I would be able to delete
Movie apps (More then a few)
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter.
I don't know if this is premature but..
I would never be able to get this far if not for the incredible chizuk everyone gives one another.
And thank you @HHM for always being there.
I truly believe I made tremendous progress only bc of gye.
The fight is long from over As I'm only on day 5. the far from over journey begins again.
“That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind”
Wish you all the best.
Gut voch
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25 Nov 2020 06:14
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Grant400
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Great point. Welcome back!
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25 Nov 2020 04:59
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Michael94
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Good evening Chevra, It’s amazing that there’s always a place to come back when you need it, I was directed to check out the mehalech of smarts and I’m in middle of going through their handbook, (If you have stopped working out due to covid (a yunderman at maariv tells me that last he was at the gym (he has been going for years) was pre covid) this can put you to work:)) I would like to share one vort and an exercise: In the second chapter, under “stages of change” they write, that when a person is prepared to change, he looks to the (his) future and less at the (his) past (this is a shift in mindset). In the third chapter there’s a HOV worksheet, they ask you to list your top 5 values in life, here are mine: 1. To build a Jewish home (get married) 2. Grow in yidishkeit 3. Start a business 4. Health 5. Family and friends surprising enough P. and M. Is no where to be found on the list, on the contrary it has stopped the development of which one of the 5. Bez”h with effort and work we can do it!
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23 Nov 2020 04:10
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Dov
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Well, it's nice to pop by and say hi. This Forum was my absolute favorite stomping ground for more than 5 years, lots of lifelong relationships resulted and more than 100 people in solid 12 Steps recovery who I still keep up with around the world, b"H. It's a great tool, this forum. I haven't the time now, with all the phone calls and emails from GYE guys, and guys in Recovery...it's busy here! I love you people and hope I can enjoy your company here more often and even sometimes get into more good, honest discussions w you amazing people here, in the future. In the meantime, I'm a sober addict, working the 12 Steps and staying in the real life that Hashem is giving me and my family, together with many other addicts who want sobriety and real life, too. I also meet many non-addicts who struggle with fantasy, their troubling sex behaviors, and related issues. There are good paths for everyone, be'H.
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20 Nov 2020 14:59
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Grant400
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Ftndrug wrote on 21 Feb 2018 00:54:
I want to recount for a minute here my way to 100 and something days. Hope you'll excuse the length of it. How did i get to where i am now? I was desperate. I was watching porn and\or masturbating sometimes 5 times a day. I was losing my life and myself. I felt it hindering me in everything i tried to do. Friends, family, work, learning. I dont think i have to describe to you all the bad effects it had on my life, if you're here you probably know it all. So, it all started when I prayed as never before (i was truly desperate) for enlightment, wisdom and help from the Almighty. I dont think it was a miracle, but surely it was the hand of G-d that gave it to me. Enlightment, some wisdom, and a few weapons in the form of GYE. The weapons i got were: 1. understanding. I understood the nature of my problem. Its an illness, an addiction, and as such cannot be treated by myself alone. 2. hope and encouragement. I found out that its not just me, and that people with far worse conditions could be and were healed, and that after 90 days clean the challenge should become a lot easier. 3. Occupational therapy. I started filling my day with activity that kept me occupied and satisfied without my drug of choice. 4. Substituting drug. The way porn addicts a person is by releasing tremendous amount of endorphines and so keeps him coming for more, just the way some heavy drugs do. So i started lifting weights to get the endorphines my body wanted badly. Sometimes 2 times a day. Generally, whenever i feel a strong urge, thats where i go. 5. Social support. The forum and the chat was a great tool to interact with people that have the same condition and can have the understanding and give support in times of need. Also it was a good way to get off my chest the struggles i was going through. 6. Mind based defense tool. The taphsic method was super effective. When you know you will have to pay 500 bucks if you'll have this tiny pick at bad stuff, it balances the scales. 7. Physical defense tool. I asked my internet provider to activate the free of charge web filter service they give. Even though its easy to override, it still gives me some time to rethink my decision, and blocks annoying random inappropriate material. Only bad thing about it was that i tried sometimes "just out of curiosity" to outsmart it. BH i caught myself on time and thats in the past now. 8. Learning from other's experience. Reading through the threads of success and failure helped me to figure out the best path for myself. instead of tripping and groping in the dark alone i am just using the road marks left by others. Its much easier (APB and special thanks for CORDNOY here, his thread is awsome. though i couldn't finish it). 9. Talking to the experienced. I reached out, or more accurately, he reached out to me and clarified for me a few things. (Since i know he doesnt mind posting his name, all hail Hashem Help Me.) 10. Checking myself for flaws. Every few weeks im checking on my state of mind and general progress, for possible improvements and work needed be done. 11. asking help from the Almighty. Im adding almost every day a personal prayer at the end of 'shmone esre', asking strength and courage to pass the day clean.
The benefits i got because of my work are huge. 1. Time. I have time!!! I did so many things in that time! 2. Friends. I almost abandoned my friends because of my addiction. Now i got them back again. 3. Physical strength. Working out built my body to the level i was a few years ago and more in some areas. 4. Clarity. I am a much better learner those days. I can almost speak one more language. 5. Life. I have my life again. Everything i denied myself from is now coming back. Now will i be able to continue forever? I pray with all my heart. Is it possible for me to fall? Of course. Do i want that to happen? No. I slip sometimes. Happens. I regret it badly. But i never let myself dwell on it. I just move forward, for if i will dwell on it it will be as foolish as just giving up the struggle and crying which inevitably will lead to more falling and crying. Instead i should analyze what went wrong and plan how to continue. Am i free from lust? No. I am still tied to it. But with help from above the rope is getting thiner with every fiber getting cut from it. It might never completely disappear, but well, im here to work, aint i? Huge credit to HHM for reviewing and spell-checking the post :]
Browsed through your thread. Very inspiring! I found this post and loved it! Maybe review this...its beautiful!
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18 Nov 2020 19:10
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Pedroanack
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I have been addicted to virtual sex (over the phone, online chats, dating apps) for as long as I can remember. For the most part of the time, I was used to see it as a normal behavior: "some people go to clubs, pubs, etc... I do it online, right?". No, not right at all (for me). As I grew older, I could realize the "motivation" behind the behavior was strongly based on filling holes, self esteem issues, frustration...and the "high" on being able to flirt, impress, get aroused, made me feel "good", "relaxed", and "relieved". Increasingly I could see I was actually wasting time, withdrawing from real life, and being more connected to virtual friends. Although most of them were truly good people, it was clear to me I was wasting time, being without a clear focus, not having plans, projects and that really frustrated me.
I destroyed my first marriage 16 years ago, and I am on the perfect path of destroying my current marriage if I keep insisting on doing the same thing. And with that, there goes a potential for building something positive, lasting, fruitful.
In the past 2 years, my awareness of the issue grew increasingly from an intelectual perspective, but I also was feeling more and more frustrated for not being able to make an effective change, and I started feeling that "this is it. I'm weak, I'm shameful, I'm a failure, I cannot control myself".
Then, a couple of weeks ago I did the "Hoffman Essentials" weekend program which came as a consequence of a 1-1 therapy I have been doing for some time. I do believe that each step I have been doing had been summing up until I arrived here.
My goals are are to be able to develop new perceptions (thought, feelings, behaviors) so I can see the value of the trade-off. I know I'll only be able to stop my current attitude when I (body, emotion, intellect) perceive there's a long term gain that is way more valuable then the current series of short term gains. I could mention: improvement in life quality? at work? in my family? But it's still a "hope". I want to turn these "wishes" into action and results.
I found GuardYourEyes.com through an article on Aish.com. After understanding more about the organization, its principles, the several tools, I could see that the same "online world" that is often my nightmare can use the same "tempting" approach to a healing process so I can educate myself and be able to help others. I strongly feel I will be able to support others in a near future.
Thank you,
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