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A New Chapter
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TOPIC: A New Chapter 132 Views

A New Chapter 18 Nov 2020 19:10 #357523

  • Pedroanack
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I have been addicted to virtual sex (over the phone, online chats, dating apps) for as long as I can remember. For the most part of the time, I was used to see it as a normal behavior: "some people go to clubs, pubs, etc... I do it online, right?". No, not right at all (for me). As I grew older, I could realize the "motivation" behind the behavior was strongly based on filling holes, self esteem issues, frustration...and the "high" on being able to flirt, impress, get aroused, made me feel "good", "relaxed", and "relieved". Increasingly I could see I was actually wasting time, withdrawing from real life, and being more connected to virtual friends. Although most of them were truly good people, it was clear to me I was wasting time, being without a clear focus, not having plans, projects and that really frustrated me.

I destroyed my first marriage 16 years ago, and I am on the perfect path of destroying my current marriage if I keep insisting on doing the same thing. And with that, there goes a potential for building something positive, lasting, fruitful.

In the past 2 years, my awareness of the issue grew increasingly from an intelectual perspective, but I also was feeling more and more frustrated for not being able to make an effective change, and I started feeling that "this is it. I'm weak, I'm shameful, I'm a failure, I cannot control myself".

Then, a couple of weeks ago I did the "Hoffman Essentials" weekend program which came as a consequence of a 1-1 therapy I have been doing for some time. I do believe that each step I have been doing had been summing up until I arrived here.

My goals are are to be able to develop new perceptions (thought, feelings, behaviors) so I can see the value of the trade-off. I know I'll only be able to stop my current attitude when I (body, emotion, intellect) perceive there's a long term gain that is way more valuable then the current series of short term gains. I could mention: improvement in life quality? at work? in my family? But it's still a "hope". I want to turn these "wishes" into action and results.

I found GuardYourEyes.com  through an article on Aish.com. After understanding more about the organization, its principles, the several tools, I could see that the same "online world" that is often my nightmare can use the same "tempting" approach to a healing process so I can educate myself and be able to help others. I strongly feel I will be able to support others in a near future.
Thank you,

Re: A New Chapter 18 Nov 2020 19:59 #357527

  • Captain
  • NOW ONLINE
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Welcome! Why don't you check out these great free resources?

Great book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, check out the daily GYE Boost emails at www.gyeboost.org.

A little inspiration every day can go a long way. A little every day will help you attain that new attitude you want, so you will realize that you gain so much from self-control. And a lot of inspiration every day would make it come even faster. Wishing you much success as you fight this battle!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
Last Edit: 18 Nov 2020 20:01 by Captain.

Re: A New Chapter 19 Nov 2020 00:15 #357534

  • Grant400
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Welcome! I pray that you're stay here should be a success.

A few points:

1) Everyone who finds GYE for the first time has an excitement and clarity about becoming clean. This excitement will fade after some time, do not be discouraged, make sure to  remember your original commitment and clarity.

2) You mentioned appreciating long-term gain of not acting out verse short-term enjoyment. At the same time you mentioned that if you continue down this jagged path, you can turn your current second marriage to shambles. Why isn't a successful marriage also a short-term goal?

At the same time, every day you remain in control and exercise discipline feels amazing. Yes, it may be tough and hard even brutal, but at the same time there's a pleasure and bliss you will never experience from indulging in animalistic base pleasures. So you clearly have major short-term gains of remaining clean too, so make sure not to disregard that in your understanding. It's not just long term benefits that you can achieve through remaining pure and untainted.

3) You wrote: "I know I will only be able to stop my current attitude etc." Question:  Do you honestly not know all of this already? Hasn't this been clear to you in what you wrote initially that you ruined your first marriage, in the fact that you are here? I don't want to come across as blunt or harsh and scare you away, but it's time to stop waiting for changes to happen, not to be expecting massive changes of perception and miraculous new understandings.

I believe you know all the facts already, heck, anybody with a semi working brain knows all the facts. Now it's just a question of acting on your beliefs or taking the easy route and excusing yourself by believing  you are waiting for things to change.

 The only thing that has to change is you starting to act on what you know should be done and must be done. It's hard, it's brutal and it's sheer murder. But it's truth, purity and sheer happiness too.

 The only way to succeed and change, is for you to make that decision and start acting upon it. Of course there are methods, tips, encouragement and inspiration that can be found and used, but that's all icing on top of the cupcake. The cake that's comprised of ingredients that can only come from within you.

 So my friend, I hope we can remain friends for a long time as we both strive for success in these areas. You sound like you are very determined and looking forward to an overhaul of your behavior. I wish you much success and welcome you with open arms.

                                   Grant
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