Jack you're doing great!
You are going to be one great example to us all that it's never too late to change.
And that no matter how addicted one might be, if Jack can do it - we all can!

I added your story to our site here.

this is my 1st time posting, but i've been in contact with eyeguard and elya k already. so, here goes...

when i was 11, i had my first orgasmic experience. i am now 49. since that time, i've been unable to stop with that activity. the pleasure involved was so intense, that i was hooked. i did it every chance i could get. there were no other people involved, just myself. my friend and neighbor had all this stuff- movies, books, etc. i was not brought up in a religious home, and even my father had stuff. when i became 18, i attended the x-rated movies. for the past 38 years, i've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction.2 weeks ago, i was looking at theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believ my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on guardyreyes.com. if you are reading this, chances are you have a sexual addiction. if you do, you must heal! it is very important to get rid of this addiction, forgetting about halacha for a second. addictions are harmful, which may very well be the reason why halacha does indeed forbid it. halacha is for our protection - it is out for our good. but we wont listen to halacha if we have an addiction. i am amazed at what lengths the people go. more later jack.

i dont have internet at home, so i do this from the library and i only have half an hour at a time. and i wouldn't write this from work, where they might monitor what i write. so last week i was on the phone conference and the counselor on the line said that if someone goes for 90 days without a slip - this creates new nuerons (right word?) in the brain. so, i believe her, and i'm shooting for the 90 day period of abstention. i am on the 8th day without a slip. i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously. imagine saying al chayt shechatanu lifanecha bevidas znus, and knowing full well in your heart that you're not going to stop, not because you don't want to, because we all want to do the right thing. the reason we can't stop is because it's an addiction. and the only way to stop is by knowing there are people that care. and so far, this has been what has kept me for 8 days, after 38 straight years of succumbing to temptation. i am shooting for 90 - maybe she's right.

Dear anon,

You are smart and brave for facing these issues early in life. Waiting until you are married and a father will only exaggerate the problem and cause untold anguish to you and your future family.

About the computer, I can tell you with almost certainly that there is no way you will successfully break free of the addiction to porn without either getting the computer out of your room and / or installing a fool-proof filter, preferably server based and whitelist. For more on filters and understanding the terms, please see our filter section here. A person can't have a prostitute in their closed up room and hope not to sin, even a Tzaddik, all the more so someone who has been addicted to this for a while. If you are serious about change, which you should be now while you are still a Bocher (and before it affects others as well), you must must get a very strong filter and get that computer out of the room if possible.

Again, I commend you for facing down your problems. If only others would be willing to face them while they are still young, our world would be a much happier and better place!

Part of this addiction for me is seeing women as objects instead of just human beings.  I have a friend and I was speaking to his wife at Kiddush one Shabbos.  She kept commenting to me that I looked unhappy and sad all the time.  This was when I was deeply depressed months ago.  Finally I got honest with her and told her that I was actually suffering from depression.  Know what she said?  She said, ?t's so refreshing to hear someone say something honest for a change and to take the risk of admitting that we all have problems."

I thought that was really nice and it made me feel better. I am in a therapy group with several women and I get to hear their fears about their husbands who act out.  They are the wives of the addicts. This is actually a blessing for me because hearing their stories I know what my wife is going through and it helps me during the rough times. Many wives actually become sexually anorexic and go to the opposite extreme with their husbands.  This causes a lot of friction and they both end up in therapy.

The bottom line for me is to set boundaries for myself.  I look for 3 seconds and that's it. I don't go down certain streets I know are past triggers for me.  My computer is blocked - my wife has the password. When I go to yoga to calm down and learn how to be present (which is a very effective technique) I take off my glasses and concentrate on my practice, not the women.  This is triggering for some people and they cannot do it, but for me, at this moment in my life, it's OK.  We each have to know where our triggers are and form boundaries around those triggers.

Kind of like the fences in the Torah, wouldn't you say?

A

Nice guy, if we're meeting 9 p.m. in the states, that would be 4 am WEDNESDAY morning in the UK.  Right?

I will tell you from 8 years of experience in Goyish 12 step groups that I discuss more about G-d and fixing my character traits with these people than any of my friends.  Everyone in my circles is so focused on Halacha but no one really talks about do we really give our lives and trust over to Hashem in our everyday life or not?

Yes, we go through the motions.  Put on our tefillin, daven three times a day, but with how much Kavanah?
Most shuls I've been to are rushing to finish in 30 minutes, or on Shabbos go to the early minyan, so they won't Chas V'sholom have to listen to a Rav speak about bettering yourself!  Then we wonder why we have no spirituality in our lives.  Not you, nice guy, me and the whole world.  Just venting a little here. 

See I'm already getting resentful.  That's not a good place for me.


Rabbi Twersky says you should still go to 12 step meetings. It's just your addiction who is warning you not to go.  If you're even discussing it with your wife, that's a wonderful thing and you will get better because of her support.  I will also tell you that while sometimes women in the group can be triggering, you also learn how the other side feels.  We cannot completely shut ourselves off from the outside world.  You are going to see
other women sometimes during the rest of your life.  Sobriety will teach you how to look for 3 seconds, turn your eyes away, accept it and move on.

In any event, we're happy to have you on the calls.  Please send me an email to yidvre@gmail, so I can email you the materials you need for the meeting.

anonofcourse,

You might have to try a couple groups till you find one you like. 
The church ones are not usually in the sanctuary so its OK but
make sure they are not Christian oriented.  They are no supposed
to be but you never know.  find one that is convenient time wise
for you and close by.

On the other topic.  It is all part of the same addiction.  We are all
medicating ourselves in different ways to stop the pain of loneliness,
low self esteem, and sometimes even depression.

It's a vicious cycle.  A person acts out, gets depressed or feels bad and
then acts out again so he won't feel bad and the cycle continues.

Find out if something else is causing your depression. Or is it just the acting out?

It may be a chemical imbalance and you can get medicine to help you.  If you feel good, you're not going
to act out as much.

a

Mevakesh,

Thanks so much for your warm words. This forum is truly revolutionery! Never before in the history of mankind have a few sincere married frum men got together and agreed to help their fellow addicts beat an addiction so addictive. Never before have people had the guts to admit that they are having a problem with mz''l and want to address it.

I also take great comfort that you Mevakesh understand me from where I'm coming from. For so many years I mistakedly assumed that NO-ONE would ever understand me and that what i was going through was different from anyone else. How wrong I was.

I love it that finally people understand me and genuinely care. You mentioned my olam haba, It's more like your olam haba for caring!

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Menachem

Menachem,

Fist of all, I want to commend you for being clean for a few days. I know that even a few days  feels like eternity when trying to kick this nasty addiction, and the fact that you were able to come this far, means that you have it in you to kick it forever!

Stay strong, and dont let the yetzer Hara grab you away from the good side that you are on now!

Regarding your wife, i understand you 1000%. In fact, my wife too has no clue as to what I went through, what i experienced, and that I am in the midst of  kicking this horrible addiction.

I know many of you reading this cannot understand or fathom that, but Menachem and many others out there know exactly what I mean. Sometimes, even wives that love us and we love them, cannot handle certain truths about their husbands, and it is better to  tackle  the addiction on our own and with the help of others in the same boat as us (like here on the forum)

Menachem! Your Olam Haba is amazing! Don't throw it away! Not today, not ever. Mashiach is that much closer, because of YOU!!!!

Chazak V'Ematz

Elya,

First off do you have a private email address? Mine is onlyexample@gmail.com

Thanks so much for caring. Thanks so much for being 'noseh be'oil im chavairo'. I just want to answer some of the points you mentioned in your post.

I not 100% sure what it’s like there in the US but here, in the frum kehillos in the UK (there are practically only 5 in the whole of the UK!!) its extremely difficult to enact on your addiction professionally by seeking help from professional councilors. The saying here goes 'when you don't know what your doing, don't worry, someone else will'! The close-knit community lifestyle is such that seldom can you go/do/have/buy etc etc anything without someone, somewhere knowing. As such, if I were to 'go away for a few days' it would soon be translated and watered down (amongst the shmoozers in the Mikvah) into a sensational exclusive like 'Did you hear that Menachem etc etc'. I know you might think this is odd and far fetched as surely, what can be wrong with going away for a few days? However, being the person I am and the position I hold in the community, it would be a tough one to pull off. I have been to private counseling and found it to be distant and not aimed at my type of addiction. It was almost as if the sessions I attended were directed at serial adulterers and rapists! Anyway, even popping out for these sessions was difficult to disguise...

On a separate note, as a general rule, the British are quite closed in and cold to issues such as these. The Americans are more brash and 'in your face' which helps in cases like this. I don't need an English mentality themed therapy. I need therapy from people that have wider and broader knowledge of these matters. So I'm thinking that in the US (where I’ve been to on a few occasions and have many friends and relatives) this issue can be tackled in a more direct manner. Like you suggested I would think that a treatment centre is more for me. I need an intense (and scary) programme after what I’ve been through. These don't exist in the UK and even if they do, I doubt I would be able to attend one here for the reasons outlined above.

Regarding your suggestion of speaking to my wife. I'm not sure if you have read any of the posts on ****** but if you read carefully (one excerpt has already been published here in the stories section titled 'in a dark hole') I used to post on their forum which led me to this forum because someone replied to my cries and directed me to this website Boruch Hashem. I think i mentioned there and I’ll mention it here again that i genuinely feel that if there was anyone who could help me, it would be my dear wife. She adores me and we dearly love each other. However................I am frightened, no let me say that again TERRIFIED that by merely broaching the subject to her she will take it wrongly and the whole issue will blow right out of proportion and my marriage will disintegrate before my very eyes. I know that there are those that have had their wives know of their problem and their wives have helped them out. I however don’t believe that this is an option for me. I really think that if I can sort out my problem without her knowing it would be the best solution to a messy situation. How is another question altogether. I would think that going to the US may be the only viable option at the moment.

I will try and locate those other books you mentioned and let you know how I get on in finding them.

On a good note, I've been clean now for a few days and keeping up the hard as hell work. I started the day today by learning a few p'sukim with rashi on the parsha. The possuk 'ki hashochad ye'aver einei chachamim ve'salef divrei tzaddikim' hit me like a brick wall!! Is Shochad any different than our battle against the Yetzer Harah??? The Y'H also makes perverse the eyes of chachamim - people who think they are clever and can beat the Y'H and makes crooked the words of tzaddikim by pouring scorn on those tzaddikim that tell us to do teshuva.....

I look forward to hearing from all of you and like I always say, we're in this together and no one is going to manage on their own.

Hatzlacha ubracha!

Menachem

Ok thanks for that suggestion, and no im not really expecting a frum answer, just one that works. but i see about a hundred toastmasters in ny, how do i know which to choose? some of them r in churches, i want a normal one.
just wanted to mention, b4 coming to this forum i always looked at porn and jacking off as two separate addictions, for some reason, not as the outcome of the same obsession. for jacking off id always just move on and say 'ive done the wrong thing, but thers no point in being depressed' on the advice of my rabbi, which is actually the advice of the rebbe rashab 5th lubavitcher rebbe.
porn was alot more dificult, id hav to think of difirent excuses not to be depressed. but it was always two separate things. of course my rabbis advice wasnt working b/c im still feeding my obsession with porn. i only realised this today actually, so we'll see.

Tuesday night, September 2nd, our usual counselor will not be on the call because they are attending
Sheva Brochos (mazel tov).  So, to give you a taste of how the
group works, I'm inviting anyone who wants to attend the phone conference to attend.

I have invited a nationally known addiction counselor to participate on the call.  This
counselor will give us an overview of the root causes of this addiction and the different
methods available today to heal and begin recovery.  It will be very informative and
you may even become inspired to join, if you're lucky!

I don't want to give out the phone number publicly, so if you're interested in attending,
reply to this email at yidvre@gmail.com .  There is no charge, it's anonymous and you don't
have to register.  YOu have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  We will be sharing our
experiences and you can listen in or participate if you wish.  I will give each of you a time limit
depending on how many people are on the call.  :-X

Dear anonofcourse,

I know you probably are expecting a frum, yeshivish answer to your speaking dilemma.  There is a simple, cheap and guaranteed method to overcoming speaking in public.  I went from being scared to speak in public, a quiet person to someone who loves to speak in public.  I'm still quiet and when I get up to speak, people say, ? never knew you had so much to say."

Answer: TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL.  $18 FOR 6 MONTHS. Is it worth $18 (Chai) to help yourself overcome this fear?   toastmasters.org .

Let me know when you find a meeting near you and join. Remember, the only way to get past fear is to do the very thing you fear.  Whether its speaking or sobriety.  They are actually quite related.  Addiction, shyness, quietness.  That's why the way to heal your addiction is through talking to others about it, even on this forum.

In our phone group, people have been on for a month now and maybe 1 out of 8 people has had a slip.
It's a very powerful method to help you.  You have to willing to take the first step and begin. You won't make a fool of yourself because no one judges you or gives you advice.  You just talk it out, then the next person talks it out.  Problems are solved later privately.  Listening to others is also powerful.
I hope to "see" you on the calls.

There is no such thing as failure.  We believe in progress, not perfection.  Every time you are able to overcome the Yetzer Horah, even for one day, one hour, you are on a higher level and when you slip, your slipping is a lesson that you still have midos to work on.  I have fear of success and everytime i get really close to being good for a period of time, or I'm working on a major deal and I'm just about to get it, I'll do something stupid and jeapordize my success. Each time you slip you are on a different level of understanding and this gets you closer to your goal of serenity, freedom and healing.

You feel good, it's after Yom Tov and you're high spiritually, then that voice comes in and says, HEY YOU'RE not supposed to be happy, you need some more exotic excitement in your life and you give in.  We've all done it.

Yes, it's a cunning and baffling addiction.  But doing productive things after work is a good thing, as long as their also have some form of spirituality or give you a sense of accomplishment when you complete them.  It's a lot more difficult when you're single.  That's why I would recommend getting a partner to hold you accountable, a sponsor you can call and just talk every day after work, and when you feel
like acting out.

Keep strong.... you'll make it.

A

anonofcourse:

First of all, let me say that the fact that you are posting your frustrations on this forum, is a step in the right direction. And, if you are truly committed to kicking this addiction, and taking control of your body, then you will be able to do it!

You wrote: "is that even if im busy, doing something productive, when i settle down to relax, do something perfectly innocent, play music watvr, sometimes, not always, i just slip"

I would like to hear a little more about what you consider to be "productive" because settling down, relaxing and listening to music or whatever, may not be the best way for a struggling Jew to overcome his  Yetzer Hara.


Please elaborate, so we can figure this out together.

Also, you write that" sometimes its after yomtov, i dont know why, sometimes i feel really good, spiritualy, and then boom i throw it all down the drain - litrely! "

Well, this is how the Yetzer Hara works, and everyone on this site can identify with that! Precicely when te Menuval sees that we have grown a bit spiritually, is when he starts up his nasty tricks again and convinces us that we have been so good on Yom Tov, and we deserve a little masturbation to "relax" after working so hard....

its all baloney! you are a lot stronger than that! You dont need to fall for his traps every time.

Please psot some more about your situation, so we can work this out with the help of all the good people here.

Chazak V'Ematz!

It seems most people on this site r married, im not but i would hate to be married and still be completely out of control of my desires- how can i tell when im in control, it seems the only time there was a real test is when i fail. how ironic. anyway here i just want to post a point which is relevent to this thread and which bothers me. That is that even if im busy, doing something productive, when i settle down to relax, do something perfectly innocent, play music watvr, sometimes, not always, i just slip. and after im like, wat the hell was that all about? its a frustrating addiction. sometimes its after yomtov, i dont know why, sometimes i feel really good, spiritualy, and then boom i throw it all down the drain - litrely! alot more to say, but for here thatl be enough.