this is my 1st time posting, but i've been in contact with eyeguard and elya k already. so, here goes...

when i was 11, i had my first orgasmic experience. i am now 49. since that time, i've been unable to stop with that activity. the pleasure involved was so intense, that i was hooked. i did it every chance i could get. there were no other people involved, just myself. my friend and neighbor had all this stuff- movies, books, etc. i was not brought up in a religious home, and even my father had stuff. when i became 18, i attended the x-rated movies. for the past 38 years, i've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction.2 weeks ago, i was looking at theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believ my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on guardyreyes.com. if you are reading this, chances are you have a sexual addiction. if you do, you must heal! it is very important to get rid of this addiction, forgetting about halacha for a second. addictions are harmful, which may very well be the reason why halacha does indeed forbid it. halacha is for our protection - it is out for our good. but we wont listen to halacha if we have an addiction. i am amazed at what lengths the people go. more later jack.

i dont have internet at home, so i do this from the library and i only have half an hour at a time. and i wouldn't write this from work, where they might monitor what i write. so last week i was on the phone conference and the counselor on the line said that if someone goes for 90 days without a slip - this creates new nuerons (right word?) in the brain. so, i believe her, and i'm shooting for the 90 day period of abstention. i am on the 8th day without a slip. i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously. imagine saying al chayt shechatanu lifanecha bevidas znus, and knowing full well in your heart that you're not going to stop, not because you don't want to, because we all want to do the right thing. the reason we can't stop is because it's an addiction. and the only way to stop is by knowing there are people that care. and so far, this has been what has kept me for 8 days, after 38 straight years of succumbing to temptation. i am shooting for 90 - maybe she's right.

Jack you're doing great!
You are going to be one great example to us all that it's never too late to change.
And that no matter how addicted one might be, if Jack can do it - we all can!

I added your story to our site here.

Jack, I heard you on the phone last week, and I must say that I heard the sincerity in your voice, and I know that you have what it takes to kick this addiction once and for all.

We are all here to support you as you climb the ladder to purity.

Although I agree with you that the Shulchan Aruch alone cannot get a person to stop, and he/she must seek the help of others, please do not for a second think that the Shulchan Aruch (and any other Mussar and Torah) is totally unnecessary! Chas V'Shalom to think that!

The only way a frum Jew can rid himself of his Yetzer Hara ( as an addiction or otherwise) is through  Torah sanctioned methods!

Yes, therapy is important. Yes, support groups are important. yes, forums like these are important. BUT, only if used in conjunction with learning and obeying the Torah!

Don't forget that for even a second!

Chazak V'Ematz!!

of course i agree with you that torah is THE source for everything good in the world. all i was saying is that we need help from others to get the words of the holy torah into our minds and hearts. jack

jack your great .thank you for telling your story. i'm going to try for 90 days also now .iv'e been with this addiction for 22 yrs and i've never gone more than a few weeks, tops a month.90 days !together with the forum is the only chance i've got to do it .i'll write my progress down with you and we can doit together H' help us both . 90 days and new neurons !what a fantastic thought. 

i'm starting my 10th day now. i'm itching all over.especially when i see what's walking around the streets, on bus advertisements, in the check-out aisles of supermarkets, ALL OVER! i spoke with elya k last night, and, as always, this was a big help. it is a mitzva d'oraisa to help someone in need - physically also.but it is even greater to help him spiritually. a mitzva d'oraisa is the essence of what makes a mentch. and thank you mevakesh for telling me that i have what it takes - now how would i know this by myself? that was a mitzvah d'oraisa - we need each other. that's what the arba minim is all about - we take all the Jews together, and together we can accomplish great things - this is what Hashem wants - He wants us to help each other, that's why He put this mitzvah in the Torah - to show us how important it is to help our fellow Jews. staying free of this helps our sensitivity to see Hasjem's world better.in sin, He is clouded.without sin, the clouds move away and more of Hashem's world is revealed to us. so, thanks again to everybody, and have a very meaningful shabbos. jack

Jack, this is fun. We are battling the greatest evil together. All of us. And we are all cheering you on. This is what it's all about. We are finally doing what we came to this world to do!

Avoid places of triggers as much as possible. And when times are tough Jack, take it "one day at a time". Promise yourself not to do anything today and sleep on it first. You can convince the Yetzer Hara to give you just until the next day... And tomorrow is not in your hands now anyway.

Some more tips...

Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Watch yourself as if you are a 3rd party from outside. Study your face and pity your body that it is mere flesh and bones and will one day rot in the ground.

Do some deep breathing, in and out. Breath in freedom, breath out the poisonous lust.

The Yetzer Hara was given permission by Hashem to use "pretend sipuk" as a bluff. He is like the wicked witch offering the little boy candy so she can capture him. Will you take the candy she is offering you?

Remember, there is nothing there. It looks so tempting, but it is like a big colorful balloon that kids love - but adults know it's full of air. Use the needle of the truth in your heart to pop that balloon and you'll see nothing was there.

Remember these great sayings:

Let go and let G-d.

Once is too much. A thousand times is never enough.

Pray "Let your will be done, Hashem, not mine".

He wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times not enough for him?

Rosh Hashana is coming. You have come so far! you will stand before Hashem on this great day as a true spiritual warrior this year, not as someone who knows in his heart that everything he is saying is really a lie.

You can do it. we are here for you. Hashem is here for you. Be strong!

Good Shabbos from Israel.

P.S. Maybe print this post out and keep it with you to read when feeling weak :-)

P.P.S. In the future, if you need chizuk, there are hundreds of tips on our site (especially the "Mind tips") and hundreds of previous chizuk e-mails to browse through and find SO MUCH chizuk... You'll send that dirty menuval into outer space!

Jack, You make us proud! 10 days is a LOOOONG time in this battle, and you are doing marvelous. soon it will be 10 weeks, and 10 months, and 10 years! You will look backand marvel at your strength!

You wrote:


The key is to train yourself NOT to see!!!!  I know it sounds crazy, but I am slowly beginning to see it work for me!  What used to make me turn my head and stare, I hardly take a second look at anymore (May Hashem help me to not even have to see a first look soon)

It can be done. You can train yourself to do ANYTHING!! The Yetzer Hara, our sworn enemy, just makes it seem impossible. Believe me, if I can do it, you can  do it and anybody who really wants to do it can do it! Haba L'Taher, M'sayin Oso!

Chazak V'Ematz!

dear guard, mevakesh, and elya k. first of all, you are all my spiritual brothers and i love you! 2nd of all, can you imagine if you were scratching your ear for 38 years, every day, and one day you stopped scratching, wouldn't your ear feel that it needed scratching? well, this is what i'm feeling now - and it's killing me.
3rd of all, as far as looking, at my place of work the women try to outdo each other in how much flesh they can show. oddly enough, this doesn't hurt so much, because as soon as they open their mouth and start talking, i can say i want no part of them. but the ones that i dont hear, they're the ones that get me thinking. i know the vilna gaon stayed in his attic and the dubno maggid gave him mussar for this - but the Gaon didn't accept it. but we can't be like the Gaon - we have to move around in the world. i hope i can learn what you're saying - to learn not to look. this would be the best of all.
more - the aruch hashulchan in even hoezer 23, where the issur of zera levatala is discussed, says this urge is for a purpose - to have children. and this is the ONLY reason for this urge. without this urge, we would have no desire to populate the earth. see there for more.
finally - i'm going crazy right NOW trying to resist!!!

Jack, the harder it is to resist, the bigger reward you will get for resisiting.

Think about it objectively though: You are a grown, intelligent, caring Jew. A son of Hashem and a descendant of Avraham Yitzchok and Yaakov.

Millions of Jews have given their lives to uphold the Holy Torah. Think Spain. Think Germany. Think Crusades.

Do you really want to  ruin your belonging to our holy nation for a silly 30 seconds of playing with your bris?

Its ludicrous, yet millions have unfortunately done it, and continue to do it.

But think about it objectively for 30 seconds, and you will realize you have the strength necessary to overcome this silliness and overcome the urge to masturbate forever!!

Nexttime you have the sinful urge, imagine your father, grandfather , wife and bother is staring at you while you unzip your pants!

Can you imagine the shame?!

Now, know that Hashem is WATCHING YOU!!! the shame is worse than anything you can imagine.

Overcoming this urge will cause Hashem to WATCH OVER YOU instead of chas V'Shalom WATCH YOU SPILL YOUR SEED IN VAIN!!

dont do it. It just aint worth it.

Chazak V'Ematz

p.s. feel free to email me privately anytime you need a boost, my friend.

Jack, you don't know what worlds you are shaking and how many Zechusim you are getting, even some you don't know about. For example, I am in touch daily with another struggler who has just past his 40 day mark of sobriety. He wrote me yesterday that he is getting a lot of chizuk from you Jack, and from this whole thread on the forum... So without you even knowing it, you are helping other yidden too.

Not only that, but as you progress, you will post here the tips that are helping you hold out and I will put them up on our site under "Tips from fellow strugglers" to help other yidden. Who knows how long this site will be available and how many yidden will read it, maybe even for the next 100 years! (I already put Mevakesh's reply to you above under his page there, and that too is in YOUR zechus).

And that's all from a physical point of you. Spiritually, every Jew is connected and your battle on the front-lines is for all of us!

Lastly, is there any way you could change jobs? Tip #7 on this page reads as follows:

If you are determined enough to change, you may have to make some serious life changes. Often, today's office work environment is very unhealthy for someone trying to guard their eyes and the holiness of their bris. If it's important enough for you, you may have to change your job or job environment. Or, for example, if you find yourself tested again and again on your way to work by bus, you may have to find an alternative way to get there. Also, if you live in a non-Jewish or non-religious environment where it is very difficult to stay sexually clean and to guard the eyes, you may be able to find the determination in your heart to get up and move to a Kosher, more religious environment. Remember, "life-changing" takes sometimes "life-shaking" moves. But you can be sure that if your motives are for G-dliness, G-d will not let you down.

Jack,

    I wish to share this with you:

  I B"H have been doing very well for the past couple of months. I don't usually get this far, but it is mostly due to having removed my accessibility to porn, i.e. (giving the code to my wife). I always knew deep down, that as long as I was "in charge" of my code, I would be completely not "in charge" of my actions. I knew that I was fooling myself. When I finally became so disgusted at being out of control, I knew that I would have to make this life changing decision, (giving my wife the code) while I was still in that state of disgust. I knew that if I took the time to think about it, then I would loose this opportunity to change.
    We learn by Bilam Harashah, that he was able to determine the exact moment that Hashem was angry each day, so that he could try to be M'kalel Am Yisroel at this time. Well, we know that Hashem is overflowing with Rachamim, and he does love us, and we see how much patience he has for us, i.e. when we look back over so many years, how many sins we have done, over and over, again and again, and yet, Hashem has not destroyed us. We are still here. Such patience means such love, and rachmanus that he has for us. He knows we can do it.
  So Jack, just like me and the rest of us here, I am sure that you have felt a moment here and there, when the yetzer has weakened his grip on you, when the itching has subsided to some extent. What is this? If Hashem would allow Bilham Harashah the ability to determine the moment of his anger, how much more so, for his Am Hakadosh, will he allow us moments here and there when the yetzer's hold on us has weakened. And, Hashem WILL give us the ability to feel this moment which is interspersed throughout our struggles.
   This is the time Jack, to make your life changing decisions. I mean those concrete decisions that will literally save your neshamah. You must take advantange of these sweet gifts from Hashem and save yourself. It was one of these sweet moments that I snatched up (before it disappeared), and I had  my wife  put the new code into my filter. You know your situation better than all of us, and I would agree with guardureyes, that you may need to find another place of work. If you take such an action, (and in Elul which is quickly passing us by) do such a thing for the purpose of Making Hashem Melech, you can not possibly lose in any way. You will win in both worlds and Hashem will help you.
   I saw in the sefer Chofetz Chaim, that one must be willing to give up everything he has just in order not to transgress a M'drabanan, Kol Shekane a Diorisa! He was referring to someone working in a place where there was constant loshon horah being spoken. (just hearing L"H is an aveira)  And of course, if this is difficult to do, what does Chaz"l say.... "The more difficult your sacrafice...the greater your reward."

    I had written in a previous post, the eitza from the holy Ba'al Shomer Emunim, and it is worth while to state it again and again. As soon as any unclean thought, or vision enters your mind, you MUST remove it "WITH BOTH OF YOUR HANDS".(one hand is not quick enough) Each mili second you delay, will make it tens of times more difficult. I saw on a post that Elya mentioned that he can look at something "for 3 seconds", and then go on his way. I don't know how he does this, but those 3 seconds would kill me. I know this, and therefore I cannot let any tumah enter my daled amos. Of course when I turn the corner and suddenly in front of my eyes is something harmful, I must immediately turn away, and also GET OUT OF THE WAY! If I stay there, then I will feel the pull of my head in that direction.
   Jack, you are so fortunate that you are here, and that you are a yid, and that you are in the midst of Elul. Take that jump into the waters. I promise that you will not regret it!
  One last thought:
    I saw in the L'kutei Moran, torah 25, an unbelievable limud that pertains to all of us.(the following is my Hakdamah) We have our ups, and then our downs. Then we go up again and down again. Some times when we start to fall, we get depressed, and maybe even say, Ribbono Shel Olam, why have you left me to fall again. Especially after all of my hard work and strides to cleanse myself. Was everything I worked for a complete loss?
   So, Rabbi Nachman Zt"l states that there is not 1 yid that is on the same madreiga with another yid. Everyone of us is standing on our own madreiga. Then, when we begin to rise to the next higher level, we are in fact taking over the place of the one who was previously above us. Each level has it's own klippot that must be dealt with and must be subjugated by us. The one who was on the higher level, he was matzliach to win the battle over these klipot on his level, but, now when he goes up one rung, and I begin to go up as well, and take over his place, these klipot come alive once again, and it is up to me to subjugate them. This is the struggle that I am feeling. This is all of the Taivos that start to enter my head again. It is these klipot that are waiting for me at the next level UP. Yes, the previous neshamah that was there, put them under control, (he beat them, and so he conquered this level), but now we must do this once again for ourselves. This is part of GOING UPPPPPP! 
  This is incredible. I always use to think that I was doing good, and then after several weeks, all of sudden I could feel the lusts, and thoughts coming into my mind, and I feared that I was falling down again, and that I was going to lose everything I had gained, and in reality, these re-newed lusts, and thoughts were really due to the fact that I was approaching and coming to the next level UP!!  I was going up NOT down. I was in fact battling for new territory. 

dear all, i'm beginning my 12th day. what's keeping me going is that i plan to call in on tueday night.if i know that there are people there for me, i can wait. in an emergency, i can always call elya k. last friday was very hard physically. the first day two weeks ago was hard mentally.but last friday was almost unbearable physically.but mevakesh told me to hold on using some pretty strong words. he told me that jews gave up a lot to maintain their judaism. and he told me to imagine my ancestors watching me. but the thing that REALLY works for ME (different things work for different people) is the phone group - imagine! people are there for me, a fellow jew who noone knows, but they do know me - they know my soul.

dear guard, changing jobs in my field is difficult unless i move to india or mexico. but, like i said, once they open their mouths, i see i dont want anything to do with them. but they still show flesh.rabbi miller once said that if you go to the zoo, you'll see all the animals walking around without clothes!

can't wait to speak to you guys tuesday night!! jack

Jack,

12 days already?!

Wow. You are amazing!

Keep strong, and know that the Yetzer Hara is sobbing and weeping and pulling his hair out knowing that he lost you from his camp.

Don't give him the satisfaction again of re-joining him and his henchmen.

Chazak V'Ematz!

Jack you're doing great. Once you hit 90 days I'm going to put your story up in our "Stories of Recovery" section to inspire hundreds maybe thousands of other Yidden....