Lou wrote on 22 Jan 2021 04:52:

Wow.

I think that's a super duper mindset. Thank you!

One thought is that food in particular, while not usually assur, often is an addiction. There is Overeaters Anonymous, as you probably know.

But in general, focusing on the fact that I'm not here in this world to pleasure seek... that's an amazing thought.

Others may want to point out that they never heard of anyone recovering from lust addiction by focusing on the abovementioned fact, ...

But hey

Who cares? I think it's a great idea. 

So anyone who is in a 12 step program, don't drop your program just yet, but stay tuned! Maybe some day this will be the preferred approach.

To me, it definitely sounds a lot easier.

I have the greatest respect for all my 12 step program friends. Nobody should jump up and down and start screaming. But an alternative program is always welcome. If it works. And it probably will.

Super!

[quote="]Alright buddy let’s get started.
What is your situation? What do u struggle with? Which devices etc?
Whats your backround etc?
We’re here for you and together we will achieve success.

[/quote]
I have a great filter installed on my phone but I seem to always find a way around it in a moment of weakness. So I'm not watching streaming hardcore stuff anymore which is great but can still find pictures/videos if I really want to. The only other electronic device is my work laptop which I would never, G-d forbid, use for an inappropriate purpose. In my mind it is simply off-limits.

Background, not sure what to say exactly, I started with discovering pornography probably around age 11 or so. I don't remember what came first - googling out of curiosity, and finding things like the Playboy website, softcore galleries of nude women, etc....or around that time also, by chance (seriously, not looking for it at all) flipping channels in a hotel room by myself and coming across an actual porn movie. That was shocking but also fascinating to me.

I started using the family computer in secret, late at night or when others were out of the house - or even just across the house if I thought I could get away with it. I became a master of hiding this secret, flipping windows on the screen, sneaking through the house...looking back it was also a way of dealing with a sometimes-turbulent childhood (divorce followed by lots of conflict) and shyness in addition to the normal hormonal teenager motivations.

Then I went away to college and suddenly I had my own laptop, and my own room (single dorm). I was socially isolated and socially anxious, homesick, and grieving (not very well) my grandfather who had passed away the summer before college. So I sort of dove down a rabbit hole of porn, and I would say this is when addiction truly took hold. I did eventually develop friendships and relationships, but porn use became habitual and I began using it to mediate sadness, loneliness, to procrastinate, etc.

Since then, more of the same really. I am now 30 years old. I realized toward the end of college it was an issue and something I would like to stop; this desire and the attendant distress over not being able to stop intensified over the next few years after that. Since then I've had a couple times where I stopped for a week or so but that's been my greatest success. At times I've basically given up. Add in a stressful job, living away from family, and life's everyday foibles and porn became my mediator, and took up more and more of my personal time. It caused me to stay up too late, to come to work late, etc. etc. and takes away from my energy - I'm not fully living! I'm too old to still be doing this, and I shake my head to think of the ways in which it diminished my life in my twenties.

stronglife wrote on 25 Jan 2020 00:07:

Book is great.
But what about YOU?
What are ur struggles etc etc etc?

mendy trying wrote on 16 Jan 2019 04:17:

If u want to change the status quo then get back here buddy and let’s talk about how we can grow and get better

GYE is an amazing platform that enables tremendous growth. This website aside, I'm wondering if there are any other tools that proved useful to you in fighting urges and addiction? 

Grant you are a tremendous author and, as someone in the parsha of shidduchim, I know this is something incredibly important to read. 
I enjoyed the warm, fuzzy feeling at the beginning of the story and now that the plot unfolds it has really shaken me and reinforced the need to really stick with you guys and take it ODAAT to sobriety for my wife's sake, whoever she may be.
(Agav, my name is BHYY and I'm a Mishpacha serial addict ) Although I don't think we'll be seeing this in there anytime soon...

Today with Hashem's and all your help, I successfully reached 90 days!

It's been a journey of a lifetime, that's not over, but has definitely taken a new and improved path.

I found this wonderful organization, by reading a poster in shul. I innocently thought it was just daily emails, and I signed up hoping for an injection of inspiration.

After receiving the first one, I clicked on a link which should've been blocked by my filter, (it doesn't work anymore) and found this community.

I joined as one just wishing to break free of my regular movie addiction, but tangentially learned that my obsession over sexuality, wasn't just a healthy dose of regular male lust. What I mistakenly assumed as an overdose of testosterone, and resigned myself to a life of pain and tragic battles ,was indeed "Lust". I learned that lust is a warped view of sexuality, that can be corrected and entirely revamped. (I will not go into how I did it. I've already posted about it around the forum.)

Today, I reached three clean months.

Today, I am still faced with temptation, but I remain strong.

Today, I am still fighting battles, but I have an arsenal of tools and weapons to assure victory.

Today, I must still take necessary precautions, but they are not exclusively the way I remain clean.

Today, my wife knows I love her, and not just myself.

Today, I am still stared down upon by desire, but I remain unflinching.

Today, I am liberated from the gilded cage I've welded myself into all these years. I fly light and unburdened.

Today, my dearest friends, I am free.

I'd like to extend a great big thank you to HKB"H, to the founders of GYE, and all of the great men who had the courage to post on the forum and change my life forever. I will treasure and value each and every one of you forever.

Thank you to all who congratulated me. It was only because of you that I reached where I am today. So congratulations to you too.

                                  Grant

sleepy wrote on 08 Jan 2021 16:01:

Maskim, I feel the same way.
Though Baruch HaShem I haven’t used the site or any news site so much at all in the last few months and hope to continue.
But  ya, I recall them bringing clips from goyish news channels with women REALLY not dressed so tznius

cordnoy wrote on 06 Jan 2021 14:04:

This has been discussed here before but if it works, isn't that called azivas hacheit which is the first step of teshuva (as long as the other tnaim are met afterwards)?

withgdthereshope wrote on 06 Jan 2021 05:48:

This might be good advice for many (worked for me), but it's inaccurate regardin' teshuvah.

I think many of us live with guilt about things that we have done. On some level we feel better about feeling guilty because after all, at least we aren't happy about what we did. This has truth to it, but guilt is a misconstrued idea of teshuva and it breaks us down instead of building us. We don't succeed when we feel worthless and incapable or when our sense of self is in the garbage.

I wanted to take the opportunity to quote something from a therapist I know that found very beneficial. Maybe the thought can help others as well because it really helped me.

The truth is that Teshuva isn't about the past at all. Teshuva is about the future and ONLY the future. The fact that Teshuva erases the past is an added bonus, but the act of Teshuva is about right now wanting to come closer to Hashem and I do that through Teshuva.

This is so very important because so many of us gain our sense of self from our past and because we feel guilty, our sense of self is crushed. This is a misconstrued idea.

Our sense of self shouldn't be from our past, but from what we can do at this very moment. At this moment I have the opportunity to achieve greatness beyond description that will remain forever. THIS is what allows me to have value.

As long as we live in the past we live with the burden of the past. When we instead live in the future we can make the greatest of the moment in front of me without being tied down. Our sense of self doesn't have to be hinged on our past which can go a long way in helping us overcome our addictions and struggles.

What @willnevergiveup and @BHYY wrote.

First dates are awkward for most people and for some more than others. The idea that you weren't comfortable on the first date or that you cant see yourself marrying her based on the first date, shouldn't be a reason for concern. If it meant anything at all, so many people wouldn't be happily married today.

Re your general struggles, I'm wondering if you are seeing a good therapist. You have a lot on your plate and I can envision good therapy being very helpful.

Re your struggle with GYE stuff, I think you have touched on something important a few times and that is the realization that your urges come when you are feeling down. This is generally how addictions work because the most difficult part of addiction is how it fills a void for us. When we feel down, we use masturbation to make us feel better. Overtime it comes to point where masturbation is the cure for all difficult feelings because the short high allows us to cope. When were upset - masturbation. When  we feel down - masturbation. Even simply being bored leads down the same road.

This site (and most of the addiction world) focuses on finding ways to stop and holding ourselves accountable. This approach can be very helpful for many and can even be lifechanging. Still, it doesn't address a core issue. The struggle is a means to escape feelings.

Understanding this can go a long way to help ourselves truly overcome addiction.

Because when we are able to be comfortable with the idea of discomfort and not be thrown off by it, things change. When we recognize that we have been living a life of escaping our difficult feelings and this is why pornography became our answer we can start to instead become comfortable with discomfort instead of turning to pornography. Doing this correctly allows us to overcome the addiction instead of simply trying to keep addiction tied up throughout our lives.

Hatzlacha Rabba and let me know if there is anything I can help with.

Thank you very much for your posts wilnevergiveup & Zedj. I did the mirror thing. I resisted. I'm still clean and it's day 20! Thanks for the push!

I've decided not to worry too much about next few days and just focus directly on surviving this specific day. One day at a time ("past is gone, future is uncertain - all we have in our hands is now"). Expecting another round of temptations today, I will try to be prepared, same as yesterday.

To answer your question wilnevergiveup - 19 is not my best result. It's 37. 19 was the best in 6 months. I have several milestones ahead:
28 - best in a year
31 - one full month
37 - best ever
45 - halfway through
62 - two full months
90+ - main goal

I think milestones are great and really can help short term but they're not the main motivator for me. Ultimate goal is of course to stay clean forever but I believe it can truly be done only if I become a better person, husband, father altogether. So I'm trying not to get too focused on only removing addiction, but in a more holistic way use this struggle to change for good and reach greatness that G-d planned for all of us.

As for short term, down to earth, easy to measure goals - I'm focused on crossing 90 days. I'm full of hope and willingness to fight. I strongly believe that what is said on this site is true (that scientific studies show it takes about 90 days to change the neuron pathways in the brain created by addictive behaviors).

Thank you again, and thanks everyone who helps me here. I really appreciate it. Stay strong, brothers!

Aaron613 wrote on 05 Jan 2021 13:25:

The two need not go hand-in-hand.

I do not have a therapist, I don’t think it’s an addiction problem b”h. It’s just a battle which I win over way more than I lose but I still do lose periodically.