I’ve been struggling with whether or not I should share my story on the forum. Because This isn’t a forum for people struggling with faith, it’s a forum for people struggling with P/M addiction. That being said, my addiction is a result of my fall out with halachic (I.e. authentic) Judaism. So, to begin with the end of my story-where I am now:

I’m not that religious at this point of my life. I don’t learn Torah anymore. I don’t daven mincha/maariv during the week. For shacharis I daven shema and shemone esrei at home. I don’t fast on fast days, with the exception of Yom kippur. I’m shomer Shabb-ish (tear toilet paper, brush teeth, put on stick deodorant etc.)  I’m not going to go through the whole Shulchan aruch, but you get the gist. 

on the bright side, I’m twenty days clean for the first time in a while:-)
to be continued…maybe

After falling once again and feeling angrier than ever at my weakness and inability to overcome this addiction, I made a promise to myself to write here every day. I’ve seen others do it, and I want to prove to myself that I can do it too. My goal is to stay clean for 90 days. I’m going into the dark, not knowing where this will lead or if anyone will even read this post. But I’ve made a promise: whenever I’m overwhelmed by an urge, I will write here to describe what I’m feeling.
Tonight, I had an opportunity to give in—a phone without filters—and I didn’t resist: I watched videos and masturbated. The anger that followed was immense, probably the strongest I’ve felt in years. I can’t take this anymore. It’s been 20 years of struggle, 20 years of successes and failures, 20 years of doubts, loss emouna,, confusion, and broken prayers—all because of one single behavior.
These 20 years have been like a roller coaster. Today, I feel exhausted and just as frustrated, and I don’t even know what to say anymore. I truly want to break free, but I can’t seem to. I feel like I’m missing that ultimate strength, that ability to stop myself at the right moment, to flee instead of giving in, to cry out instead of staying silent, to call for help instead of falling, to pray instead of rejecting my god.

I'm so freaking frustrated

I hate life

I hate pushing myself to work out but needing to do it because it's so crucial for me

I hate having diabetes and having to watch what I eat and having to suffer the consequences when I eat to much sugar

I hate being addicted to technology and having to work so freaking hard to balance having it and distancing it because I need it to

I hate the fact that I need to be productive especially when it's so hard for me and that's it so hard for me to create my own schedule


I hate the fact that sexual desires are a huge part of my life and I can't even talk to my kallah about it

I hate the fact that life keeps on being a challenge and a struggle no matter how much hard work I put in

Im feeling frustrated angry and resentful with zero motivation to put in work now

due to the various stiras people have asked in my posts i want to clarify my position
[feel free to argue, but at least know the beast you are fighting]

There are 2 issues we frum yidden deal with.
Lust and Aveiros
When the 2 subjects get confused on these forums I get confused too.
Rating the aviros scale has little to do with sobriety [eg pilegesh vs mz"l]
similarly dosh bifnim vzore bachuz has little to do with recovery.

of course as frum yidden we wanna keep halacha, but we have to be clear if the issue is lust or halacha.
for example if i am scared of the dark, having sex in the day has nothing to do with lust

i was annoyed at a post rating aveiros, instead of treating the disease [see that thread how i clarified an alternative way of phrasing the point]
similarly i quoted a post of difrenchiating between addicts and baalie taavo

however on the thread when someone asked a halachik shaalo - clearly NOT fueled by lust - I i see no reason not to post a GYE article. The poor guy is traumatized from all the machmir sh*ttos, when all he was looking for some direction.
The post I quoted didn't even say its preferable, just gave some context and he can approach it in a manner that is suitable for him.

Why are we all getting bogged down thst he might ch"v be miekel in a derabbanan??

i hope this is clear

feel free to comment in the box below - and don't forget to hit the subscribe button.

being serious about recovery doesn't mean we cant have fun [who of you can brag that he hasn't touched his penis in almost 50 days when his wife is a nidda after birth and he has a plethora of girls he could sleep with at whim?]

chaimoigen wrote on 06 Jan 2025 22:51:

gye.nu/articles/questions-and-answers/item/what-s-permitted?category_id=36
CAVEAT : All of the above is for normal people who struggle with a normal Yetzer Hara. However for a real addict, Dov (who is clean for over 20 years in SA) says that seeking all sorts of leniencies and enhancements in the bedroom can make a person even sicker and the shalom bayis even worse. Initially it might seem to help, but it can create a monster and become a nightmare. Instead, a real addict has no choice but to learn how to surrender lust and focus more on others, especially his wife. However, this first requires the admission that he (or she) has a real personal problem, rather than just a question about 'sexuality and halocha'. To discuss if you may have an addiction issue or not, you can reach Dov at wequithiding@gmail.com.

A drunk, totally bankrupt due to his depressing addiction to alcohol, promised to quit and started throwing empty bottles out of his house. He threw the first bottle and said, "I lost my job cause of you". He threw the second bottle and said, "you made me lose my house". He threw the third bottle and said. "my wife left me because of you". The fourth bottle he found was full and said, "you've got nothing to do with it, so step aside, you're innocent"

ilovehashem247 wrote on 14 Jan 2025 14:17:

I can totally relate! Almost feels like it doesn't fit... Self sabatoge is a classic characteristic of addiction. Also, fear of the unknown, plus "that's not really me, who am i kidding"... rooting for you!

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 14 Jan 2025 15:02:

This one stuck in my head. I know this is a joke thread on a joke forum, but I wanted to be mtzayin a choshuve mareh mekom: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/Addiction%20vs.%20Yetzer%20Hara.mp3

Maybe the secret is to stop trying to "quit".

ezraw wrote on 14 Jan 2025 05:18:

No holds barred, eh?

Disclaimer 1: The following opinion is just based on my life’s experience. Although I am probably projecting, it may perhaps be some food for thought.

Disclaimer 2: I am by no means seeking to throw cold water on any mentor here on GYE. I have spoken to several of them and there are some wonderful, truly selfless people here. I am addressing the general topic without specific people in mind.

There’s a very high-frequency chorus of “get a mentor now” philosophy on this site, and for good reason.

On one hand, it is tremendously helpful to get out of your isolation and share the details of your struggles with someone who cares.

The very act of honesty is extremely helpful for addicts, there is actual science that supports this. Honesty can act as a form of "rewiring" in an addict's brain by strengthening the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and impulse control.

And you can get accountability, advice, empathy and support.

That being said, a Rebbi/mentor for this sort of thing is not always the bed of roses it’s made out to be. There are potential downsides to the Rebbi/mentor approach for some people in some instances.

-  The mentor could potentially be a closet creep. This includes getting off at the gory details, etc.

-  The mentor could potentially cross certain boundaries.

-  The mentor could potentially betray your privacy, even inadvertently.

-   The mentor could potentially invade your bedroom dynamics with his own projections about how "ideal sex" should look.

Does that mean that one should not confide in a person to help with his struggles? Of course not.

Reaching out is one of the most important tools for achieving sobriety.

I guess if you’re a person who may be bothered by any of the points mentioned above, it’s incumbent on you to do your due diligence, maintain privacy and boundaries where appropriate, and exercise caution so that you won't end up regretting it. 

I wanna reiterate that this is just me saying this based on a very bad experience. The concept of a mentor for these inyanim is probably something that one should be hollering off the rooftops.  

It's like anything else that's good - go for it, just be aware of the potential pitfalls. 

Here's another, in similar vein as the previous, that made it to the GYE weekly email. With some small additions:

With a spirit of humility, care, and respect I would like to share some thoughts on lasting and internal change.
There's been discussion on the GYE forum about folks who feel euphoric about finally breaking free, only to face the reality that the internal problem is still there. Some say "hugs," charts, and accountability are just distractions from the real work of internal change.

Here are my thoughts: Yes, change must be internalized to last. An addiction can't be cured with optimistic positivity alone. But the value of these forums in creating lasting change is profound and undeniable.

Here's why: You can only take step two after step one. It's terrifying to communicate with others, even behind anonymity. The forums provide a critical first step, and a warm welcome encourages people to stick around, make connections, and learn about ways to grow.

The reality is that most of us have tried to fix this problem alone and failed. That means "just stopping" isn't really an option for almost anyone who finds themselves on GYE. If someone has been using P&M to fill a deep aching need for years, against better judgment, merely talking about wanting to stop won't create real changes.

But here's the thing - a human is a marvelously complex piece of work, fueled by a cosmic Neshoma, weighed down by childhood upbringing, his Yetzerim and personality, and the burdens of unrequited hopes and dreams. Complex situations and relationships. Sheifos, goals, setbacks. And life. People! It ain't easy to fix em up.

We are all muddling through, best as we can. And it takes trial and error, working from the outside to the inside. We have to try. Genuinely. Start with what we can wrap our heads around. Make mistakes. Ask questions. Keep trying. Learn new things. Sometimes it penetrates, sometimes it doesn't. You need mentors and friends, methods and self-realization. And with Siyata Dishmaya, things will be different - if you keep trying.

These forums are sacred and special because they provide tools for genuine change and growth in a way that I haven't seen before. They are:

- A safe place to recognize that your life has become unmanageable

- A place to make friends by sharing and caring

- A place to connect with a fellowship of people who actually understand
- A place to discover and learn from people who have shared their personal life experiences, experience that no one really shares elsewhere. There's no substitute, when it comes to learning,  for LIFE EXPERIENCE 

- A place to face up to your own mistakes and learn how to make amends

- A place to learn profound truths about yourself, Yiddishkeit, marriage, and relationships

- A place to discover what works for you

And maybe most importantly - the forums are where people receive the gift of opportunity to actually meet with real people, when they get to that stage, which leads to indescribable potential for healing.

A lot of the real healing with mentors here takes place offline, without a clear record in the forums (so if you haven't yet, talk to someone).

May Hashem bless GYE. I have a paper with all the names of the guys I've met and spoken with, and I daven for you regularly. Because I love you and hope that we'll all keep growing together, each in his own way, with Hashem's help.

מאן דבעי חיים

bochurinneed wrote on 10 Jan 2025 14:09:

Welcome Bochurinneed, I don't know what you mean by banned desired but rest assured that it's nothing new and that plenty of the Chevra have the same or similar struggles. There's no way you can shock us. Anyone who's been around here long enough has been exposed to the strangest stuff. It's very helpful to know that there are so many in the same boat.

Kudos to your courage to post and may Hashem hold your hands and guide you towards Kedusha and a good wife.

Hi guys 
it’s with great shame I introduce myself, 
i somewhat plucked the courage.
it started when I was around 12 getting curious with an u filtered phone.
i started getting addicted to p.
it went further and I started getting a thrill at finding banned content and I just spiralled down thinking I’ll grow out of it.
i didn’t.
now I’m 21 and have real banned desires.( I’m sure you all know what I mean whether you want to believe it or not) 
i have nowhere to turn to and I won’t be able to get married.
yes I found the courage for therapy but it hasn’t helped me. How am I supposed to live with this real desire? 
guys I’m pleading with you from the bottom of my heart filled with shame and guilt. 

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

HI Everyone

I recently heard that "Milchemes Gog u'Magog"  is not just an external event—it’s a battle that happens within ourselves

For nearly 20 years, I’ve been fighting my battle: an addiction on P/M. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 13, and it has only gotten worse over time. Despite countless attempts to stop, I felt like I was always falling back into the same cycle. But recently, I came to a huge realization: I might be dealing with addiction, and that was a breakthrough for me. It was a moment where I understood that maybe I’m not at fault—maybe what I’ve been experiencing is a real addiction, and I need to fight it in a different way.

At the start of this year, I joined GYE for the first time, thinking I was the only one stuck in such a deep hole. But I quickly learned that I’m far from alone. Since I joined, my longest streak was 21 days. I’ve tried again, but the stretches haven’t lasted as long. However, I’m still here, and I’m still fighting

Today, I’m starting a new cycle and committing to push through to 100 days. I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but I haven’t given up, and I never will. I truly believe that one day, I will be clean, and I’m not going to stop trying until I get there

Lets prepare for Moshiach as he will arrive in 100 days from today.

hopefulposek wrote on 08 Jan 2025 14:41:

Dear Hopeful Posek (I hope so too)

A lot of times the same people that are prone to SA are also prone to AA. Some of us are just wired to be addicted quicker than others.
And sometimes it might be an underlying trauma or current situation that we cant/dont want to face and we escape into: 
Sex 
Books
Alcohol
etc. 
They are all escapes from our lives and give us some fleeting pleasure. But in the long (short) run they cause more issues. 

I think you need to dig deep and see whats really bothering you and keeping you back from being present. What are  you running from? And the answer isn't stress or anything like that, because EVERYONE has stress some more and some less, and yet not everyone gets hooked to escapism. So its much deeper. 

Im sorry if i spoke out of line. 
I wish you the best in your journey.