ok rashkehbehag I am pretty new to these forums so I hope you wont consider me a hedyot kofetz birosh.
I too started my addiction years ago with bookshops library etc. but the internet was my downfall.

I am what some people may consider (I am really a humble person) A Talmid chacham.I tried with every EITZA there is both with mussar sifrie yirah divrie chizuk,Itried to punish myself Ialmost drove my self crazy and in driving myself crazy and agonizing over how low I really was the only solace i found was sitiing in front of the computer feeding my addiction.

Listen up my good friend you will be helped and you came to the right place it will cost you alot less than seeing a professional .And you might be lucky enough to save your good name.

Having said that YOU WILL ONLY BE SAVED IF YOU ARE MODEH THAT YOU ARE AN ADDICT!
I know it hurts it hurt and hurts me too.Yes I am an addict yes me the Father husband Talmid Chacham askonin neighborhood is an addict.
It still hurts me when I write you these words.But you must admit it in order to be helped.If you want to keep on riding the teshuva/nefilla roller coaster
be my guest you will only keep on making more addictive behavior neurons in your brain which will be harder to reverse.

My holy brother dont be angry at me my intent is not to be tough I am only being realistic this place is not a fairytale you are a real person we are all real people here.We all work our kishkes out on becoming better and stronger every day.

Yes you will find so much chizuk here you will also find lots of love and understanding.
I am wishing you much hatzlacha stay here for as long as you can this site REALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.
I am B"H in control over certain parts of my addiction in away that I never even thought that is was posiible.

You can and you will do it look ay the wall of honor look at Ykv_Schwartz he is a gadol Hador he RIESES SHTIKKKER from the evil menuval each and every day look at rabbeinu gaurd how he has the time energy and talent to deal with people.
keep on posting I will read every word you write.

Today is yesod shebinatzhach you have come to the right place to work on yesod may you be happy now and lenetzach

humble and happy
bardichev

I have struggled my whole life. not with extreme addiction but always was tempted to peek into books in drug stores or magazine stands, i never bought anything but the peeking and looking was a terrible experience. When i heard of the internet and its dangers it only made me curious. When I got internet The dam burst. Again, I never downloaded any thing but whatever was free i would look at and I learnt a lot of disgusting things. I tried Covenant Eyes and it helps but i lie to my partner that is was  one of my workers etc. there have always been ups and downs in my struggle. Recently my son brought home a book about shmiras enaim and I read it and got a lot of chizuk. Then I discovered this site. So, with both things together and covenant eyes I am pretty clean now and don't even feel the pull. of course one is never free and can always fall but right now i feel no urge to click on to any thing bad. I have subscribed to the chizuk line that u email and i read it every day. you bring down amazing things. yasher koach

IneedHelp, you hit the nail on the head! Here is a quote from the new GuardYourEyes attitude booklet which I will be announcing shortly to everyone (it still needs a little polishing up):

Redirecting the power in our souls

We have often discovered that we were trying to fight only the disease, rather than building and changing ourselves. For true long term success, we must learn to fight the cause of the addiction and not just the symptoms.

The Pasuk says “Bitachbulos Taseh Lecha Milchama – with cunning, make your battle”. Says the Medrash, if you did many chavilos (bundles) of sins, do chaveilos of Mitzvos opposite them. The Beis Ahron of Karlin explains that chavilos is a language of hiskashrus - connection, (as it says “Yaakov Chevel Nachalaso”), and he explains that in order to fix what we did in the past and break free from the “other side”, we need to use the same hiskashrus and enthusiasm that filled our mind and limbs during the times we sinned, and instead do the Mitzvos in the same all-consuming and enthusiastic manner.

In general, those who struggle a lot with these issues, have a great deal of emotional and spiritual energy inside them. It is they who actually have the capacity and potential for the most intense spiritual connection with Hashem. We just need to learn how to channel the energy of our souls in the proper ways.

It is also known, that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a stronger than usual sexual drive. That is why it is so important to learn how to channel these strengths we have in the proper ways. Heightened sexual desire is actually a symptom of a deep subconscious need, that has still not reached fulfillment for some reason.

Our Sages have said: “Who ever is greater than his friend, His Yetzer is greater as well”. It is important to understand that in a psychological sense, the Yetzer Tov and Yetzer Hara are really the same inner force. The greater a person is, the more his soul's strengths require expression, and these strengths will ultimately burst forth and find expression in either a positive or a negative way.

So let us direct our spiritual vigor into our prayers. We will be amazed how uplifting they can become! And let us start doing the mitzvos with enthusiasm and learn Torah with passion! We were given a gift by Hashem because the struggles we are experiencing are really just the vibes of our souls, striving for genuine expression and a true connection with the Almighty.

Our divine service can be so much more than average if we use the struggle in the way it was intended by Hashem, as a spring-board for growth. Spiritual progress that might take other people many years of intense divine service to achieve, we can attain through this struggle in a very short time, if we use it right!

It can also be very helpful to seek alternative ways of connecting to Hashem to find inner fulfillment. We can seek out Chesed projects, Torah projects or study ever new areas of techniques in divine service. For that is really what our souls are really yearning for; a meaningful connection with Hashem and fulfilling that which we came down to the world to accomplish.

It is also important to point out, that instead of running frantically away from the Yetzer Hara in fear, we can learn to run instead towards Hashem with joy. If we do this, the Yetzer Hara falls away by himself. As the Sefarim say: “Sur mera”. How? Through “Aseh Tov”!

Someone,

I too struggled with the first step and "mind over matter" is not an important ideal for me so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you!  I have one simple thought to share.  Your success in pushing yourself to great heights in other areas of life (you mention physical endurance, for one) doubtless causes you to constantly raise the bar, even just a little.  If I can do X, let's see if do for X+1!  Eventually, this is bound to end in disappointment since the body is finite and cannot "stretch" indefinitely.  Failure, or the growing threat of failure as your expectations increase produces a huge amount of stress.  What if you don't measure up??  This stress is the ideal environment for lust addiction to flourish.  There's a gap that it seems lust can fill, at least briefly.

Think about why "mind over matter" is important to you.  Remember, you're not responsible for anyone else's failure and do not need to prove anything to anyone.  Just be true to yourself.

Ok - some brutal honesty here now.

After my initial good strike of 40 days, I managed to reach 25 next, then a week of falling a couple of times, than 11 days. Yesterday (or actually today very early) I fell after 5 days clean.

As you can see - plain as facts can get - I am on a downward spiral. This is the reason for my absence from here. The "shame" and "guilt" would not let me go back. But as I stated earlier - thats my YH talking to me there.

I am looking forwards to that booklet! I desperately need something to set me on the right path.

I read the Tikkun Haclali after this last fall;  I hope the L-rd will help me (as well as you guys on the forum here!). In addition I will carefully try to understand more of the psalms.

Shomer: I do not take part in SA-meetings; if you want I can send you a personal message explaining why this doesn't seem possible at the moment. I did tell a good friend over the last week-end that I have an addiction, but maybe I should reveal the actual nature of it fully to him. I have an anonymous sponsor over the Internet. 

Well those are such great words to read,thank you ! It has been day to day lately.But that is when I get the best results,just keeping focusd on the day.I m trying not bto be too "addictive" when it comes to my addictive personality.What I mean is that I am staying in the real life and living my life by checking into reality,not checking out.When I get too into the process of recovery it becomes emotionally draining.When I actually go thru the day "normally"  and not get too caught up in the whole recovery process I am in a much better place.I gurss what I am trying to say is that by living my life on my terms not the addictive terms I am so much more in a place of simcha.

Ykv_schwartz wrote on 02 May 2009 19:55:


Yaakov,
Nismach besimchaschem, I am very much looking forward to sharing in the simcha of your reaching this milestone in your sobriety. In honor of your upcoming simcha, Bezras Hashem I will attempt to say divrei piyus, divrei ratzon udvarim hashavim lechol nefesh.

From the early 1930s until the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' was published in 1939 there were no 12 Steps. The early AAs all became sober by a "religious conversion". The 12 Steps were designed to be a step-by-step method that would achieve that same goal. A good moshol to that (I don't say lehavdil because surprisingly enough both mesilas yeshorim and original AA are peshuto kemashmo'o about avodas Hashem) is how the mesilas yeshorim explains that the ten steps of Rav Pinchos ben Yoir are the system to achieve the five elements of moh Hashem Elokecho Doresh mimcho. So the 12 Steps of 1939 was just one method to achieve the "religious conversion" of the first 100 or so early AAs who had achieved sobriety, over 75% of them for the rest of their lives, without the 12 Steps.

An early AA, Clarence Snyder, the founder of the Cleveland Chapter of AA, used to explain the Steps as being in reality three. Trust G-d, Clean House and Help others. Here is the meaning of these three:

1) Trusting G-d means realizing that if on any given day we do what we are supposed to on our side to stay sober and sane, then Hashem will give us 24 hours of relief for that day only. If we do everything else that is good but not what we need for our sobriety, G-d will not accept that, He will not give something for nothing and accepts no attempts at shortcuts. Even if, on one day, we do more for our sobriety and sanity than anyone in history we will not get more than 24 hours of relief. Even if we have a terrible day and do less than anyone has ever done for our sobriety and sanity, as long as we did something however small, to the best we could, we get the same 24 hours.

Of course this sounds familiar. The Bnei Yisroel were starving and needy in the midbor. Hashem gave them relief one day at a time. No matter if they were marbeh, no matter if they were mamit they only got 24 hours of relief. And if as seforim hakedoshim tell us they did not want to have to go out because their aveiros had caused the mon to fall further than they usually had to go to get it, then they starved and suffered for that day. As Chazal tell us, asher lo yikach shochad, shochad shel mitzvos, we can do all the mitzvos we want but they are no replacement for the mitzvos that we refuse to do for our sobriety and sanity.

So the Steps 1-3, and 11 (davening and talking to Hashem and being open to listen for His guidance) are about trusting Hashem daily that if we do what He wants us to do for our sobreity and sanity to the best of our ability He will give us 24 hours of relief, one day at a time.

2) Clean House means realizing that our real problem is the pain in our lives that makes us vulnerable to addiction (addiction is the self-medication for the problem and not the problem itself) and this pain is caused by the mechitzos in our relationship with Hashem and our relationships with everyone else in our lives. To remove that pain we have to remove the mechitzos. The mechitzos are not as we thought in our addiction, the things Hashem has done to us, or the things that others have done to us, but in reality, our character defects that we have injected into those relationships. The only way to stop the pain is to make a cheshbon hanefesh on those character defects, accepting that we need Hashem to remove the defects from us, asking Him to do so, so that we are no longer kekelev shov al kio, uchetovel vesheretz beyodo, and then and only then can we with honesty begin to repair (yes, amends does not mean making do with apologies and payment of debts - it means repairing and fixing the relationships) so that our character defects no longer act as a mechitza in those relationships.

In brief this is fixing veohavto lereiecho komocha by using cheshbon hanefesh, asking Hashem to then remove the mechitzos of the bad middos in our relationships and then being mesakken those relationships by turning bad into good. As Rashi says in Shas, reiecho is also Hashem.

This is Steps 4-10 and the AAs found that addicts are so much in denial and are such manipulators that if their cheshbon hanefesh stayed inside their own minds and was not shared with another (Step 5) they never kept to their commitments and eventually they lost their sobriety. This is similar to the Chazon Ish about being mashbia the zedukki koehen godol. The Chazon Ish asked, according to this tzedukki he is nishba laavor al ma shekosuv baTorah. the way I understand the Chazon Ish's answer he says that once a person has totally committed himself publicly he will not be able to go back on the commitment no matter what the excuse.

3) Helping Others. The AAs found that if they did not make the purpose of their recovery to help others they could do everything else and sooner or later they would lose sobriety. If the whole of religion is self serving then a person can get confused with doing what he feels like which is also self-serving. However if he thinks of others he will stay on the right track.

This once again is veohavto lereiecho, and even more so, as Rav Chaim Volozhyn is quoted by his son in hakdomo to Ruach Chaim on Ovos, the entire purpose of existence is to do for others.

This is Step 12 which includes making every aspect of our daily lives a fulfillment of these principles, bechol dercohcecho do'eihu.

So teire R' Yaakov, chasan denan, it seems to me that you have done most if not all of the above and therefore your simcha is our simcha kipshuto mamosh.

With great emotion I am B"H halfway to my 90 day goal .Today is also the halfway mark of sefira.
I was thinking that the half mark of sefira is netzach shebinetzach.eternal of eternal. netazach also means to win.

Let us all keep on trying to win back our neshamos to keep our eyes and minds holy and to control the addictive behavior.

Does anyone realize how major vibes of Teshuva are pulsating from this forum.Y"H is really losing ,his prison door was hacked open by this forum. Do you see how many heilige neshamos are breaking free? Lets all give them the chizuk to come on board and become the true people they want to be not mind numbed robots robbed of a potential because of this terrible addiction.

It is brought down in seforim that when someone does teshuvah he is gorem he causes others to do the same .Our collective milchemes hayeter is having ripple affects it is calling out
SHUVU BONIM!!!! SHUVU BONIM!!!

humbled and happy
bardichev

Hi Ineedhelp,
your post was so inspiring.  With your attitude and emotions, you will surely succeed.  I have no doubt.  However, make sure to stick with us here, become part of the club and no running away no matter what.  If you ever fail again, chas V'shalom we will be here to catch you.  There is no need to be embarrassed.  We are your new family.  You can feel free to express your emotions openly without getting criticized (I hope!).  We are here to share your pain in your suffering and your joy in your redemption.  You can grow at your own pace and seek advice when you need it.  If you feel we are over stepping our boundaries, let us know.  We are all here to encourage each other and learn from each other.  The beauty of this site is that you can post as little or as much as you want.  You do not have to wait your turn.  You do not need an audience.  So, welcome to the family and POST, POST, POST.  

Your post brought out some very fundamental points that I wish to highlight for you.  Remind yourself of your own yesodos.  There is nothing like learning from your own wisdom.  concentrate on this and you will soon understand more great yesodos as you stick with this site.  The idea is to internalize it all.  

Ineedhelp!! wrote on 04 May 2009 05:15:

This is amazing!  This statement has a few yesodos I would like to explain.  
Number one, The Rabbis tell us that there is a heavenly voice that emanates from Sinai every day saying "Return my children".  But where is this voice?  The voice is in your heart.  If you look in parshas Teshuva, it states we can hear the voice of Hashem.  That voice is the same voice that emanates from sinai.  So, rejoice that are able to hear that voice. Depending on a person's level, the voice is louder.
Number 2, The terrible feeling you have is truly amazing.  Be aware of this and let this encourage you for true teshuvah.  The Rabbis tell us that when we feel bad it is a sign that we are still connected to our inner self, the neshama.  The more a person gets addicted the more concealed his neshama becomes, and the harder it is for him to feel spirituality and feel remorse for his sins.  This makes it harder for him to do teshuvah and it destroys his spiritual feelings.  The fact that it hurts so much is a great sign that you hanging on tight to the spiritual ropes up above.  Now discover that true self of yours, uncover the concealed and let that neshama shine.  You know what you want.  You feel what you want.  Act on your feelings.
Number 3, you state that you feel like calling out to Hashem.  This is a precious feeling.  You need to act on it and hold on to it.  Meaning, daven daven daven.  Daven for help.  Daven to come close to Hashem.  Daven for inspiration.  Daven for insight how to properly address your addiction.  Daven to Hashem to accept your teshuvah.  Even after the 'remorse' stage finishes, you need to keep davening.  Many people make the mistake that when they feel remorse they get intense and then when the stage falls away, they lose focus.  Never lose focus of your addiction and your teshuvah.  For some people who have intense remorse, like yourself, breaking free is easy.  But maintaining freedom is harder.  

Ineedhelp!! wrote on 04 May 2009 05:15:

This is so fundamental.  Especially for you that felt that pain so much.  But, I would like to add a piece of advice to this worthy principle.  Do not wait until the next nisayon.  Remind yourself now how bad it was.  This will create negative associations with your past experience with the internet. What I mean by that is that you had two opposite emotions from the addiction.  During the sin, you enjoyed it.  But after, you despised it.  You want it to be etched in memory the bad feelings, not the good feelings.  If you ever think back about it, you will remember the pain it cause you, not the fake joy it gave you.  By doing this, you may never have a real nisayon again.  But more importantly, you are laying the first foundation of removing yourself from your old life.  We know there are many levels of teshuvah.  The main aspect of teshuva is the charata.  Charata itself has many steps.  But the first step is internalizing the bad feeling you describe.  This is also the first step for eternal growth.

Ineedhelp!! wrote on 04 May 2009 05:15:

Two points:
Number one, As stated above, guard this yesod for life.  Keep davening.  The gemara in kiddushin (81b) states that the way to daven to destroy the yetzer hara is to to ask hashem to destroy him.  The gemara says that the yetzer hara gets insulted when we talk to him directly.  But he does not mind if we ask hashem to destroy him.  So, before you go to sleep, state the pasuk from zecharia, printed in all sidurim, "יגער ד' בך השטן".  That is what the gemara in kiddushin says to do. And if you could, repeat this all day long.  The steipler writes regarding these nisyonos, that some people need to daven 50 times a day to be protected.  Whatever it takes.
Number two,  If you wish, you can destroy him, with the help of hashem as explained above. By learning self control and working on diminishing your inner desires, which takes time and patience, the yetzer hara will be weakened over time.  But do not skip any levels.  The Rabbis tell us that when a person does teshuvah sheleima, he can destroy the yetzer hara.  Even more so, The Rabbis explain the reason of the nisayon is to recapture the the lost energy in the world and destroy the evil in the world.

Ineedhelp!! wrote on 04 May 2009 05:15:

The more you write, the easier it is to do!

Once again, thanks for joining the family.  We are really looking forward to having another warrior with us.

May you be zoche to teshuvah sheleima

Dear Ineedhelp:

Your e-mail was beautiful and captured the feeling of the struggle so well. I am a recovering lust addict. I will not go into the exact behaviors included in my MO (beyond what you have mentioned) here because this is not the venue. Nevertheless, it is essential for me to be explicit with my sponsor and trusted friends and tell them excatly what I have done in the past and be clear about what I have a goofy compulsion to do today, in order to learn honesty (not sappy guilt talk - something I am good at and flows easily) and also to in order to become willing to really let these things go. I never let go of them if they are secrets! Ouch.
Your email and probably lots of other stuff you do are steps in a great turnaround for you. But are you talking these things out with someone or are there secrets you are too ashamed or frightened to tell? That is incredibly normal, but maybe what works for me and others will help you, too.  Ineedhelp, and so do many others, too.

One more thing. You wrote about beating this yetzer hora, destroying it, etc. I won't get into theology, shittos of mussar and kabbalah, just what works for me and my friends and ask you this question:
What if you were guaranteed to be free of the behaviors, guilt, and hirhurim that vex you so deeply, as well as the nagging fear of wondering "when the next time I mess up" will be? Great, no? Well, how about if the way you got that would be w/o destroying, breaking or beating this yetzer hora at all? What if you could learn how to sidestep it? To live with it yet not be afraid of it, nor struggle with it - just not give it the time of day. If that could happen for you one day at a time - guaranteed - would you accept it? Or do you feel the need to struggle with it until you win? Please consider this deeply and, if you'd like, let me know what your choice would be. I spent fifteen years in the struggle...
I think this question touches on what might be the greatest obstacle frum yidden (myself included) have/had with quitting (and not starting again!).
No! Don't give up the fight, EVER! But lets get clear exactly who/what you are fighting, no?
With love and respect to, you, someone who understands me better than most ever will...Dov

Dearest  Holy Brother in battle Ineedhelp!!

You will get lots of help from the good and honest people here.
If you focus on need of help it can be part of the addiction .You need to WANT help and you will be helped.YOU can do it holt tzaddik I am B"H going strong only because of the good people here.
please read this it is  something I posted last week.let me know if you need  an explanation.

bardichev wrote on 30 Apr 2009 20:40:

If you are dealing with a strong addiction, it doesn't really help very much to remember the feelings last time. An addiction is so powerful that it is like standing on the railroad tracks and watching the train bearing down on you, and yet not being able to move away.

Instead, there are tried and proven methods for dealing with addictions. We are coming out with a booklet soon of steps that we can try, from the most basic (for less severe addictions) to more intense and life-changing tactics, for more severe addictions. I think everyone will have a lot to learn from it, and it will help us all to gauge our addiction level.

Rav Tzvi Meyer may not be aware of the nature of addictions and the power of these groups. We can trust Rabbi Twerski on this. This is the surest way to go for someone in your exact situation.

SLA is in the French Hill.
I suggest you join an SA group, NOT SLA.
(And SA is not in French Hill).

Do yourself a BIG favor (the best you can possibly do) and call the SA hotline in the jerusalem area: 02-676-9583.
Leave a message and they will get back to you.

May Hashem be with you!

Hello

I am a 17 year old bochur who has been addicted to these aveiros for over six years. I have tried all sorts of methods, but each one of them continues to fail. I desperately want to get out of the Hell that has infested all the areas of my life. As the Mesilas Yeshorim says in chapter one, I have been misrachek vholech min hatov haAmiti. In order to succeed I am going to need much chizuk from everyone in the group. I have a Yetzer Hara for not writing messages, and even when I do the Yetzer tries to trick me in writing them in such a way that even if I was oveir every aveiroh in the Torah I would seem like a Tzaddik. I have come to this forum with the intention of being completely honest and forthright. I ask of everyone though to please check up on me, if I am not quick to respond it is a surely bad sign. On a more positive note, I cannot thank enough everyone here who devotes their time to this cause. I know personally that this is the biggest issue I have had in my entire life and my primary taavah. I have never mentioned it to anyone else and it is amazing to be able to write freely here. Everyone who responds here is being osek in meleches shomayim.

Unfortunately, my first clean day will have to start tomorrow as I fell today. That though is a thing of the past for I will not return BEzras Hashem to that stage.

To end on a Torah thought that I heard from the singer Eitan Katz n"y. We say in Tehillim, LeHagid Baboker Chasdecha VEmunascha BaLailos, To declare your chassadim in the morning and emunah at night. What is usually overlooked is that the passuk says VEmunascha, which means and your (Hashem's) emunah, not ours. The message is that during the boker, i.e. times of strength and success when everything is clear like the morning, we praise Hashem for all the help He has given us. When though it is layla, when it is a time of struggle and the divide between right and wrong is not so clear cut, we have to remember Hashem's emunah in us that we will succeed! Through that we are able to succeed.

Thank you all again very much

Ezra

Your message is heartrending, but as I am an addict in recovery in this area none of this phases me. When I got married, everything got worse, especially my addiction. Hey, they said it'd get easier. No they didn't. That is not what chazal say at all. It says our wives help save us from getting into cheit, not that they save us from the cheit we bring with us. That is ascribing godlike power to women, in my opinion. Actually, this made sense to me earlier, as I ascribed godlike power to them in my lust! Why be suprised catching myself doing the same in early recovery (just for the good side)?
I hope you aren't insulted, for I say the same to myself.
How many times have you masturbated? Enough that Naaseh lo keheter? Of course. Then how can you apply the normal rules to stop and "do teshuvah"? You are being much too hard on yourself here, as you clearly have some degree of a disease. I do, and many like me have had years of freedom from the tyranny of lust in our lives one day at a time being open about exactly what or taavos are, what we do, and want to do, with safe people. I use SA. (see Tzetel Koton for the friend idea)
This may be an illness and you then are a sick man, not bad. Not to say it's not a cheit, but the route of getting help must be different than for a "normal" person.
See part of my story on Breaking free, for my background, if you like. My tefilos are with you every day, as we are brothers. You are a great guy trying to be a good yid and serve Hashem, but we are all a bit broken. The truth is great. Now there  is recovery.