I have struggled my whole life. not with extreme addiction but always was tempted to peek into books in drug stores or magazine stands, i never bought anything but the peeking and looking was a terrible experience. When i heard of the internet and its dangers it only made me curious. When I got internet The dam burst. Again, I never downloaded any thing but whatever was free i would look at and I learnt a lot of disgusting things. I tried Covenant Eyes and it helps but i lie to my partner that is was  one of my workers etc. there have always been ups and downs in my struggle. Recently my son brought home a book about shmiras enaim and I read it and got a lot of chizuk. Then I discovered this site. So, with both things together and covenant eyes I am pretty clean now and don't even feel the pull. of course one is never free and can always fall but right now i feel no urge to click on to any thing bad. I have subscribed to the chizuk line that u email and i read it every day. you bring down amazing things. yasher koach

ok rashkehbehag I am pretty new to these forums so I hope you wont consider me a hedyot kofetz birosh.
I too started my addiction years ago with bookshops library etc. but the internet was my downfall.

I am what some people may consider (I am really a humble person) A Talmid chacham.I tried with every EITZA there is both with mussar sifrie yirah divrie chizuk,Itried to punish myself Ialmost drove my self crazy and in driving myself crazy and agonizing over how low I really was the only solace i found was sitiing in front of the computer feeding my addiction.

Listen up my good friend you will be helped and you came to the right place it will cost you alot less than seeing a professional .And you might be lucky enough to save your good name.

Having said that YOU WILL ONLY BE SAVED IF YOU ARE MODEH THAT YOU ARE AN ADDICT!
I know it hurts it hurt and hurts me too.Yes I am an addict yes me the Father husband Talmid Chacham askonin neighborhood is an addict.
It still hurts me when I write you these words.But you must admit it in order to be helped.If you want to keep on riding the teshuva/nefilla roller coaster
be my guest you will only keep on making more addictive behavior neurons in your brain which will be harder to reverse.

My holy brother dont be angry at me my intent is not to be tough I am only being realistic this place is not a fairytale you are a real person we are all real people here.We all work our kishkes out on becoming better and stronger every day.

Yes you will find so much chizuk here you will also find lots of love and understanding.
I am wishing you much hatzlacha stay here for as long as you can this site REALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.
I am B"H in control over certain parts of my addiction in away that I never even thought that is was posiible.

You can and you will do it look ay the wall of honor look at Ykv_Schwartz he is a gadol Hador he RIESES SHTIKKKER from the evil menuval each and every day look at rabbeinu gaurd how he has the time energy and talent to deal with people.
keep on posting I will read every word you write.

Today is yesod shebinatzhach you have come to the right place to work on yesod may you be happy now and lenetzach

humble and happy
bardichev

I want to thank berditchev for your reply. I am sure your heartfelt words will save me for another day ( I hope ). I also am in the world's eyes a chushuva mensch and marbitz torah. sometimes i wonder if my addiction is holding me back from being zoche to teach on a greater level. Is Hashem punishing me?  What's this about nuerons in the brain? How does it get healed?
But its good to know that even a Talmid Chochom like I am sure you are can stumble in this thing. Every one is writing that the 1st comfort here on this site is Tzuris Rabim

Bardichev,

You are incredible.  Your sincerity and honest desire to conquer this addiction is awe inspiring.  I have a question for you, rashkebehag, and others (Ykv, for one) who spend most of their time learning and being marbitz Torah.  You see, I became addicted in part because I did NOT learn well (for emotional reasons) and so found lust as a way to make myself feel better.  But if you've been learning throughout, what was missing?  What need was not being met?  What message was "not getting through" correctly?  I think that the answer may help others who are perhaps under the same mistaken impressions while in Yeshiva.

to answer the last question of AAron4, i may say that the problem 1st surfaces in the early teen years when the learning is not that serious. and really I have used learning as an eitza during my "ups" but there are always "downs" in learning itself - that is a fact of life- and that is when the YH steps in to fill the gap. I never was able to understand why Mussar never really helped. But if it is truly an addiction, then maybe it is a sickness which is beyond the scope of Mussar. The RAMBAM says that bad thoughts come to a mind that is empty from wisdom (Torah). In fact I heard of someone having trouble with nocturnal emissions and he would think in learning during the early hours of the morning when the habit was prevalent. I myself used a segulah which i read in a sefer: to balance on my 10 toes and fingertips. It really worked and I had no trouble with that for many years.

aaorn,
A very intriguing question indeed.  I wish I had a clear explanation.  I myself am confused about my own past.  And I think for me that complicated my issue even more. 

But, firstly, I agree with what rashkebehag stated that the problem started before Torah was strong in my life.  It was not until I was 16 that I became serious in my learning.  And it was at that point that I was set on removing myself from porn.  But, this porn habit has already been with me for a few years beforehand and I could not get rid of it. I tried and cried.  But to no avail. My shaarei teshuvah is still crumpled in tears from those early days of frantic help.

There is more. As much as I try to devote most of my time to learning, not all my time is in Torah.  From the time I was young, most of my triggers were in non-learning settings.  I would get annoyed with myself for not learning at that time as I knew I would have no desires during learning.  I have had may instances where after a wonderful seder of learning I would come home, and realize that I am home alone and out of no where I would get this immense urge, and lose my self completely.  I would be so annoyed later because I really wanted to be learning.  But I could not control myself.  I did not ask for these temptations to come. 

I did have a short lived era of my life where I was working full time in NYC.  Those were the worst years of my life.  My addiction plummeted.  I could not even go into details.  When I went back to Kollel, where I have been ever since, the problem began to simmer down.  In the past 7 years I went through major ups and downs. 

So in essence what this boiled down to was a war.  I wanted good and bad.  I desired Torah and filth at the same time.  Which will prevail?  So it was not issue of porn replacing torah that made me feel better; it was two opposing forces that attracted me and I did not have the strength to stand up for truth. 

But very rarely, did a nisayon hit while I was learning.  I loved learning.  It was when I removed myself from Torah, even momentarily, that I was under attack.  A day that I learned less, I was more prone to porn.  Till today, if there is a day that I cannot learn as much, I am frightened.  My whole being is much less spiritual.  If there is a day that I know I will not be able to learn so much, I put most of the time into mussar to give me strength.  Mussar always gave me extreme power.  and after each major fall, I would pick myself up with a new sefer and become invigorated.  Most of my mussar learning was learned as a result of my porn addiction.  But, again, the second I removed myself, the foreign power in my brain would visit and I was no match for him. 

I think I am rambling a bit as I explained from the beginning that this bewilders me more than it bewilders you.  Sorry if I am not clear about this situation.  I will try to give this issue more thought and explain it in better terms.  If you are interested, I wrote a lengthy post a while back tracing the situations that triggered the lust in my life.  You can read it here.

to aaron and ykv schwartz,
yes, there is such a thing as [b]during[b] learning and  not during learning. What bothers me is that Chazal say that Torah saves even when not learning. So maybe there are levels because the ideal (and i mean the ideal) is to always be thinking in learning or at least about learning. I am sure someone who is at that level doesn't have any problem. But maybe when chazal say torah saves even when not learning , they mean not really learning, but one should always be thinking in learning (halvai). And Mussar? shouldn't that help? one can't be learning Mussar all the time. Isn't it meant to fortify the spirit to fight? But like I wrote in my 1st post, sefarim about the specific topic do help, just like this discussion, I find, gives me chizuk to overcome temptations. So, a yasher koach to you all for responding to my post it helps me feel like i am holding hands with others and fighting together

aaron I appreciate your honesty.If it was so simple then th ewhole thing would be gone nisayon walla learn and its gone.
My horored friend it is extremely complicated The Y"H is the biggest lamdan out there.Y"h comes in many forms many  shapes many products he is a multipurpose tool but to use a little gemara lashon hatzad hashava shebohen kullon darkon lehazik

my dear friend if you follow my post you willsee it is not my type to go back and try to figure out how I ended up in the sewer  I am focusing all my attention on gettyng out and staying out.

All I can tell you is you can see from the ammunition the Y"H has at his disposal internet cellphone psp wii he built a whole industry on one thing to steal the hearts minds and eyes of the dor that is living right now.So be a lamdan and learn a kal vchoimer see how important limud hatorah (bitihara) is in this dor the Y"H recognizes it.

Let us all do a massive job Paga buch menuval zeh mushchaihu lbais medrash.Lets shlep  Y"Hs farshtunkeneh carcass into the bais medrash tell him to wait outside for a seder an hour ashiur fill your heilige mind with torah.REMEMBER REB AKIVA STARTED WITH KOMETZ ALEF AT 40 YEARS hello 40 years
we can all start something anew masechta anew sugya or even one seder you will fill your arsenal with weapons of massY"H destruction.

I still appreciate the question

humble and happy
bardichev

The yetxer horah has his ways of puling you down, even if somebody is serious in learning. Especially there are times when you are not feeling fulfilled in learning for what ever reason, as I could attest from my experience as someone who is immersed in learning for many years and didn"t have any history of these nisyonas till i was 30+, it could be just a curious peek that triggers it. But lets not give up there are people here that are making great strides, it is a struggle but it's a struggle worthwhile one day at a time.

hello all my game plan is simple

conrol your Y"H with aposotive additude be cool.Really take it one hour at a time every hour is a victory .Be open here on the forum stay here this place is the direct opposit of the addiction this place is dibbuk chavierim wheras the addiction is Ltaava yivakeish nifrad.

stay cool be besimcha focus on your posotive atributes everyone has something special about themselves.daven dance mikva learn sing jog clean your room
call an old freind do something with a chiyus in yiddish LEIB OIIF!! simply put LIVE!!

h&h
bardichev

one more for desert

this is something I wrote to another tzaddik in the break free section of our heilige forum




lets not go back going back is atzas hayetzer he is such a sore loser a real baby.

SHTAAARK ZICH BRIDDER!!!

h&h
bardichev

I would like to stick to the points that aaron raised about the koach of torah and quote the Chofetz Chaim who spoke to his son about this Y"H when he entered his teens. He explained to him the Issur and then said to occupy himself in learning, He added a very important point: Delving into thoughts about the Issur will also bring it on. That's how smart the Y"H is. He also was once giving a shiur in a tavern and a woman with bare arms kept walking through. The Chofetz Chaim yelled at her and said, "What do you think we are? Malochim?(angels)?"

First of all i want to report to all that since pesach (when I am not near a computer anyway) i haven,t fallen except one time I went on youtube and checked out a bad word but with this forum as chizuk I hope it wont happen again, My past two weeks have been clean totally. Anyway, I think the answer why Torah and Mussar doesn't help is like ykschwatz said. the person has to not want to sin. If there is a side of the person that wants to sin than nothing can really help. Using this site well is a step towards not wanting to sin, especially if one is honest with himself like berdichev keeps saying.

Wow, I guess my post hit on something.  I hesitated before putting it up because I was concerned that some would take offense and feel like I was questioning their sincerity, but obviously that was unfounded.  Thanks to all for your thoughts (not that I was the only one they were intended for but I feel a boost having tapped into something that our heilige family can relate to). 

Ykv you make a lot of sense and I eagerly await the next installment.

Bardichev, I love you!  You have a beautiful heart – keep spouting fire!  It lights the spark in all of us and the Y”H stays farther and farther away to avoid getting consumed in the flames of Taharah!

Here are some thoughts of my own.  Now that I've put some distance between myself and the Y"H (not a lot, but some!), I've been learning more, however even now I only feel "alive" when learning for brief periods.  During those moments, I’d love nothing more than to stop working and learn full time.  I feel like there are limitless stores of knowledge to be had, that they lead directly to the Kisei Hakavod, and that I’d best get started because there’s no time to waste!  The rest of the time I'm wondering why I don't feel that way!  Of course the Y”H cannot come near when I feel like I’m ready to live every second being mekadesh shem shamayim.  During the other times, although sitting in a bes medrash with a sefer is better than being somewhere else, the Y”H tries to get in.

I realize you can’t be “high” all the time but neither are you a ben chorine lehibatel memenah.  Now this is true for most worthwhile pursuits in life – what makes them worthwhile is not always clearly evident, but the fact that there ARE good reasons is usually enough to keep going nonetheless.  But at least for me, learning is different.  If I’m not “high”, I’m low.  There’s no middle ground.  This is a big impediment to growth.  On Shabbos afternoon when I actually have some time, I still don’t learn.  Does anyone have ideas here?

ahh zisse tayerh tzaddik aaron4 your ehrlichkite will score you a grand slam

here goes
A.we are humans not angels,angels are called omdim=stationary they dont shtieg they dont fall.we are called mehalchim=goers (achievers) our lives are full of aliyos and yeridos.
aliyos and yeridos are normal your good as long as you dont make yourself cofortable in the yerida
B.There is no feeling as good and as sweet as the initial break from Y"Hs claws .That feeling is what you need to always go back to  you wont always feel it .not feeling great don,t mean you are not doing great.after you did the initial break keep it up preserverancnce is WORK WORK WORK!!!

C.here is the icecream my dear chaver. it says in shir hashirim IM TA-IRU V'IM TI-ORARU ES HA_AHAVA AD SHETECHPATZ!!
when you have a good moment either in sur meirah you looked away from a pretty girl you didnt go online out of boredom you watched your eyes .Or in asay tov you davened well tou learned well you went to a simcha you NEED to put the hisorarus that you have in a chefetz shel mitzva meaning bank on it it is yours for keeps pat yousrelf on your back .SHOUT OUT LOUD HERE COMES THE KINGS TAYERE PRINCE WHO IS A GIBBOR MILCHAMA !!!

have ahappy and uplifting shabbos
h&h
bardichev