Hello

I am a 17 year old bochur who has been addicted to these aveiros for over six years. I have tried all sorts of methods, but each one of them continues to fail. I desperately want to get out of the Hell that has infested all the areas of my life. As the Mesilas Yeshorim says in chapter one, I have been misrachek vholech min hatov haAmiti. In order to succeed I am going to need much chizuk from everyone in the group. I have a Yetzer Hara for not writing messages, and even when I do the Yetzer tries to trick me in writing them in such a way that even if I was oveir every aveiroh in the Torah I would seem like a Tzaddik. I have come to this forum with the intention of being completely honest and forthright. I ask of everyone though to please check up on me, if I am not quick to respond it is a surely bad sign. On a more positive note, I cannot thank enough everyone here who devotes their time to this cause. I know personally that this is the biggest issue I have had in my entire life and my primary taavah. I have never mentioned it to anyone else and it is amazing to be able to write freely here. Everyone who responds here is being osek in meleches shomayim.

Unfortunately, my first clean day will have to start tomorrow as I fell today. That though is a thing of the past for I will not return BEzras Hashem to that stage.

To end on a Torah thought that I heard from the singer Eitan Katz n"y. We say in Tehillim, LeHagid Baboker Chasdecha VEmunascha BaLailos, To declare your chassadim in the morning and emunah at night. What is usually overlooked is that the passuk says VEmunascha, which means and your (Hashem's) emunah, not ours. The message is that during the boker, i.e. times of strength and success when everything is clear like the morning, we praise Hashem for all the help He has given us. When though it is layla, when it is a time of struggle and the divide between right and wrong is not so clear cut, we have to remember Hashem's emunah in us that we will succeed! Through that we are able to succeed.

Thank you all again very much

Ezra

HI Ezra

It looks like we in similar situations. I too learn in yeshiva yet somehow manage to lead a double life. I have also tried numerous methids yet none seem to work. I also was Nichshal today like you so lets start our count now!! A little advise that I can pose: 1) think about every action you do even the small ones. think about doing all of them Leshem Shomayim. when you get lunch: think not only about the food but every step you take is to get to the food and eating the food helps you learn Torah better. eventually you will think about all your actions before you do them and hopefully this will lead to thinking before going on our computers. 2) say Tikun Klali everyday. it really feels great to do Rebbe Nachman once said:"Bear witness to my words. When my days are over and I leave this world, I will still intercede for anyone who comes to my grave, says these Ten Psalms and gives a penny to charity. No matter how great his sins, I will do everything in my power, spanning the length and breadth of creation , to save him and cleanse him...." i dont know about you Ezra, but i am not a chassidish person but i just started it today and i feel good. 3) get a web block (K9 for example)and if you want i can hold the password for you (or give it to someone else it really doesnt matter) just you should not have it.

hopefully you and I Ezra can be Mechazek each other and we can be healed form our wounds.

hey you two holy Bochurim, looking to be purified! I ask you to hold out another few days, maybe even less, we will be coming out with step-by-step booklets that I believe will be able to help you both very much!

Also, I suggest you exchange e-mail info between each other and act as each other's partners. Check up on each other daily and give each other chizuk!

And let's get you both up on the Wall of Honor. See HERE for the links.

Also, check out this story.

Ezra512 wrote on 04 May 2009 04:41:


You have managed to hit my problem spot on. I often tell myself: "Hey, you can post tomorrow." After a few days I tell myself that I have been away for so long I shouldn't post now, why would I need to? What I often do not realize is the fact that it is not me who is speaking there.

Good thing you posted now! GUE really is the lifeline of a lifetime! Good job on being so honest - I often have problems with that.

Good to hear from you someone! I will make the new handbooks available soon, and you will hopefully find the steps that work for you!

Ezra,
we are so honored to have you here with us.  The site has saved so many yidden, and I hope it will save you too.  Express yourself and we will listen.

Ezra we need you right here Don't be scared. AL TIRA VA-AL TAICHAS.

post away I will read everything you write .you will be helped the chevra here really cares about you.there is rteal achdus here .Our collective enemy is the dirty rotten scoundrel the FARSHTUNKENEH Y"H. He is losing his battle there is major weaponry here .
Try to smile you are on the winning team KI BESIMCHA sEITTZEIU with Simcha we will leave the clutches of the Y'H.

THE Y"H is going after our best and brightest you Ezra an INDEEDHELP are going to be valiant wARRIORS IN THIS BATTLE.yoU ARE NOT WEAK AND WORNDOWN LIKE y"h HAS YOU CONVINCED YOU ARE ADECORATED SOLDIER WHO WILL KEEP HIS HEAD HIGH.

in Yiddish there is a saying FAYF OON! it means to not give 2 hoots .TRY TRY TRY to ignore the Y"H like on the phone whwen someone who calls and your not interested hit IGNOOORE.
Say I"M NOT AVAILABLE push him off he has no time he will move on.
I personally believe it is harder to keep a double life. Break free you will have so mich extra energy .You will find new friends you will shtieg in torah you will become popular all good things will come your way

WITH ALL MY HEART

HANG TIGHT ONE HOUR AT A TIME

humble and happy
bardichev
p.s. post away we are all in this together

B"H

I must say that I am so happy that everyone has responded in such a wonderful way. I was taken aback by the tremendous outpouring of help sent in my direction. Yasher Koach for all the suggestions and chizuk. B"H I did not violate any of the issurim I have set down not to commit, while I was having some withdrawal symptoms and had to consistently black out bad machshavah. B"H that I was matzliach. In other news I hope to be getting the filter set up sometime tomorrow iy"H on my computer. In addition, sorry if I am not responding individually or in the correct way, I have never blogged before and I just getting used to the system.

Ezra, you're doing great! For some help with Machshavos, see this page. (Read all the way down).

B"H

All is well today. I am mesameyach in my devaykus with the Ribbono shel olam

Ezra

B"H

Notice to the group. Tomorrow I will be having a nisayon of shmiras einyaim with a certain woman who I unavoidably will have to be in the same room with. I hope to be able to be the ben chayil, as the Mesilas Yeshorim says, who will suceed in tomorrow's battle lekadesh shem shomayim.

Ezra,

Even if the issue of Yichud does not apply to tomorrow's meeting, you may want to mitchazek yourself by learning the hilchos of yichud ( I think that the basic laws are in the kitzur SA). You will feel good that a potentially dangerous situation lead you to learning some halachos 8)

Ezra,

How's it going?  Let us know how the meeting went please.

Also, as important as gedarim are, they are not enough.  We must work on getting close to Hashem and thinking  about doing what He wants and that He will help us.  I recall when I was in exactly the same place as you.  How I wish I had understood the necessity, not of learning more than anyone else or taking on more chumros but of Avodas Hanefesh.  Working on myself to internalize the proper perspective.  Mussar is not just another seder but rather a challenge.  Rise up to meet it and you will continue on your path of Tzidkus!

Shalom

Thank you everyone for all your help, particularly Yosef Yaakov and Aaron4 for your insightful comments.I gained much from them. B"H everything went well today. Despite my concerns it seemed Hashem had a different idea planned and this lady never showed up.

In other news, I a friend of mine lost a young relative R’L. Having to cope with this tragedy I reflected on the fact that life could be taken in a moment and what would I do if I had to approach Beis Din Shel Maalah today and account for my aveiros without doing Teshuvah Gemurah. My Yetzer Hara always says to me that I will do Teshuvah later in life when I am older and get married. Firstly, after coming to this website I see the clear faults in this logic. Secondly, who can ever know if they will live long enough to do that Teshuvah. (obviously the whole idea is ridiculous. My ikkar point is that I have rationalized to myself that my addiction will go away with time and without effort)

May we only come to hear more simchas, in life and in in nitzachon against the Yetzer Hara

Ezra

Note: I didn't mean to specify the aformentioned people to the negation of others.  I merely was thanking them for their specific advice during this nisayon