Dear Pintale, it was Hashem that healed them. But what do you think the 12-Steps are all about? Letting HASHEM heal us!!

Dear Yaakov_Shwartz, Pintele and everyone else,

I think it's time to change the name of this thread to "Torah AND the 12-Steps' instead of "Torah vs. the 12-Steps". Torah and Avodas Hashem are our LIFE. They are EVERYTHING. But an addict needs the 12-Steps as Shcar Pesiyos... What are Psiyos? Steps! When we go learn Torah, we get Shcar for the steps too! It's all included in our learning Torah. An addict needs to learn the Steps so that he can bring Hashem into his life and become human again. It's the "derech eretz kadma letorah" - so that he can once again learn Torah and serve Hashem. That turns the 12-Steps into HOLY AVODAH too!

For an addict, the Torah is on the other side of the mountain and there's a deep gorge between them... The 12-Steps are like a "Gesher" between him and Torah, so that he can GET to Torah... And when he walks across that gesher in 12 psiyos (without being "mefached klal") - then he will get Torah and Avodah in a whole new way. In a much more REAL way.

London, so good to have you back. Your post is profound, as usual. So much to learn from. You have to stick with us and keep inspiring us.

About your fall, Nu, what can you expect from an addict? But can you identify what chain of events led to it? Can you make new fences in those areas, or try something you haven't yet, to protect you for next time? That's how we grow. I don't need to tell you that  

Ok guys here are day 2's daily attitude principals. B'H Bli Ayin Hara today with Hashem's help is the 7th day!

Principal #4
It is extremely important to understand that although we havent hit the lowest lace in Gehinom YET, we must realize what we are dealing withb at an early stage. You don't need to fall further in order to understand what problems we have. Think of it as if you are at the bottom and want help now. Don't let this problem spiral downwards. Keeping the Mashul to a common disease. At the first sign of any trouble in a person's body, he/she will going to take care of it now. They won't wait till C'V a person would have to amputate a limb then take care of it. Here too with our disease and addiction, we must take care of it before it takes care of us.

Prinicipal #5
This principal's name really speaks for itself. We are not alone. And even if there were C'V thousands of people on this website, there would still be more. The support that is given on this website is second to none. And just realizing and understanding that other people just like you are going through the samething, is Chizuk in itself. But thats not all that this website offers. The personal stories, Chizuk emails, and posts on the forum all play a vital role in uderstanding the magnitude of our issues and will help us deal with it on a more serious level.

Boruch,
Welcome back! What a beautiful story that demonstrates that with Hashem and our hard work we can really beat our addictions. Thanks for sharing your personal story with us.
You are a source of inspiration to me and I'm sure to many readers out there.

Sholom All,
It is fantastic after such a prolonged absence to be able to come back here to GUE where everything started for me. B"H today I have 147 days of sobriety and here is the miracle Hashem has done for me.

I joined Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) 137 days ago and I knew then that I was mentally and physically sick. My wife and I had been seeing therapists on and off for 12 years. I was on medication and was going regularly to a counselor for therapy. My wife suffered from serious depression and she too was going to therapy. We had tried going to the same therapist but her therapist had thrown me out and so I had to get my own.

I was seriously overweight. I was down in weight from my all time high but I was eating crazier than ever, going from fasting to binging on the same day and I suffered from high blood pressure. My sleeping was all over the map. Even after I was sober and had stopped acting out I would stay up at least two entire nights every week only to go to work feeling half dead and stay at work the entire day and late into the next night until I would collapse.

My life had ground to a halt amid severe financial paranoia. I was unable to get involved with money at all. I had not recorded at all of any of the checks I had written over the last two to three years. On a daily basis I was totally unaware of my bank balance and would write checks anyway. I had no concept of how much money I owed Credit Card companies. I was chronically late in paying bills, including credit card bills. The simplest tasks that in minutes would have moved desperately needed money into my bank account to prevent overdraft charges were totally beyond my reach and in the space of a few months I had racked up a thousand dollars in overdraft fees alone. I ran an online small business on the side that had promise but I had just totally stopped processing any of the sales. At work I had also ground to a halt.

Therapy for both myself and my wife was going nowhere. We were totally stuck. I needed an absolute miracle to recover and so did she.

But I never joined SA for any of that, I did not and could not have believed that SA could help me in those areas. I joined SA for one reason only - I wanted to get sober from my addiction. I never knew that  Hashem would guide me to an SA sponsor who would take me several times through all 12 Steps of SA. I never dreamed that after doing my hishtadlus in following my sponsor's guidance on Step Taking, I would experience the miracle of Hashem's healing in a way that I could never have imagined.

Today, 137 days later, I am off medication and have never felt better. With the guidance of my SA sponsor and the blessing of my therapist I no longer need therapy and I am calmer and happier than I have ever been. After I was 65 days in SA, I disclosed to my wife and she joined S-Anon and later changed therapist at the recommendation of a fellow S-Anon member. BeChasdei Hashem her depression has lifted and last week she had her last therapy session with the blessing of her new therapist and we are now, one day at a time, getting closer to each other than we have ever been.

Today, without any struggling at all I eat three full nutritious and balanced meals a day and I have lost over 25 lbs since 3 days before Pesach for a total loss of over a full quarter of my body weight from my all-time high of 225 lb over a year ago. My blood pressure is now text book 120 over 80. As a rule Boruch Hashem I now get a decent night's sleep every night of the week.

Today, for the first time ever my wife and I have a daily record-keeping of everything we spend and earn. I know exactly how much I owe and to who. With Hashem's help one day at a time we are now working towards earning wiser, spending wiser and with Hashem's brocho we are working on becoming debt-free.

But most importantly for me, life is no longer about me. Life is now about my wife, my children, and everyone else around me. Hashem has blessed me with three wonderful SA sponsees with whom I have been fortunate to share the life-giving message I got from my sponsor. Having shared my sponsor's message with three sponsees, I am now back here on this forum to share my sponsor's message with anyone out there who cares to listen.

Even if I am the only one listening that is fine for me, because even though I have gotten so much so soon, it is so good that I just can't get enough of it --- I just have to keep coming back for more...

I have been away hiding the past few days  Unfortunately I slipped last week, and have been trying to get back to basics again.  Also (BH) I have been really busy with work. 

I think it is impossible to explain the 12 steps to someone who has not experienced the life saving transformation that they offer.  I am told in the fellowships to stick with the winners, when I see people who have been to hell and back and managed to stay clean and sober, transform their lives, embrace Yiddishkeit and stay this way for many years, these are the people I want to stick with, I want to hear what they have to offer. 

If there is someone on this forum whose addiction took them past internet and masturbating and managed to achieve a happy, content and purposeful life, at peace with Yiddishkeit without going through a 12 step fellowship, and have stayed this way for many years, please post on this thread.

When I was acting out I, as I am sure many on this forum have, I / we had no problem going to the goyim for my / our pleasures, but as soon as it comes to recovery we get all pious and start debating, I wonder how much denial is contained within these posts of people who have not experienced the 12 steps.  The 12steps are not merely a method of getting sober or an SOS call when in danger, the 12 steps go right to the core of a person, teach us how to live life on life’s terms without medicating ourselves get us connected with Hashem.

I have met many very "chosuve" people in recovery people who learn in kollel, Rabbonim & Magedai Shiurim etc who have crossed like me many many boundaries.  I know many frum people who like me have used the internet on Shabbos, I have met many people like me who have gone far worse than the internet (vehamayvin yovin), for me my recovery is a case of Pikuach Nefesh.  If there is a dedicated Jewish program that will get people who are in the deepest of deep addictions back on track and give a life as mentioned in the AA promises, and offer support 24 / 7 for as many years as needed then perhaps this discussion would not be necessary.  But there is not, what there is fellowships based on AA that are proven to cure even the worst of addicts that offers lifelong freedom, that does not go against our Torah, our beliefs, there should be no need for a debate.  If and when a person needs the steps he will know it in himself.

From the many people I have met in SA who are working the steps properly it’s not a case of Torah v’s the 12 Steps, for us without the 12 steps there will be no Torah, only pain misery and suffering that will end in either jail, institution or death.  The 12 steps are my medication for life a clear and concise way to daily living that does not preach religion at all.  So what if it was founded by goyim, chemotherapy was founded by goyim so a cancer patient (R’L) should not take this treatment.  Addiction is a cancer of the Soul that untreated get progressively worse.

The choshuve people on this forum who do not accept the 12 step fellowships are either not addicts or are in denial, either way I hope and pray the ultimate Refuoh should come upon us speedily.

Dear Pinteleh Yid and friends -  (Sorry about the long post)
Thanks for the beautiful feedback. When you write your rebbi was more specific can you please elaborate on what the specifications were that you found useful?
As a budding sexaholic, in 1979, I found the book, Yesod Yosef (not the sefer by same name that belz or bobov recently reprinted. That one is the talmid of the Kav hayashar and a great sefer, but it's about many assorted topics of mussar based on zohars, etc.). It is the sefer alluded to by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in his little chapter on the aveira of sz"l.
I had a har time with the hebrew but made it through and it was horrible for me, besides being useless. First off, the author lived in europe years ago and was not shayich to my psychosocial/philosophical world. Second, my madreiga had no available seats in his ball park (not even nosebleed section). Third, he was talking about an aveiraover which I believe I already had no control by that time. I was "screaming at it" even though I absolutely needed it in order to deal with living. Just more hypocritical tension within me, that was all I got. Needless to say, after coming home from two years free of this "YH" (I had a nice time in yeshiva) and being convinced by some of my rebbeim and seviva that I was on the road to another gilgul (at best) for having left the RSHB"Y derech and going after chayey sha'ah in america, I wasn't feeling that good. I felt isolated and lost, though I kept up with friends and learning. I knew all the mussar that I know now, probably and cried many times in davening, but i guess something basic was missing. For one thing, it was still all about me and my madreigas, my neshoma, and my olam habah, unfortunately. Anyway, of course, I turned to my only really reliable friend: Lust. Are you saying Hashem was there for me but I refused to see Him? I ask you what was I supposed to do? Lust clearly worked for me. it got my mind off the pain and others and focused me in on a vital, exciting, and meaningful experience - it felt good and was freeing. Those qualities were pretty meaningful to me at the time.  Do you really think I could have gotten the same from Tanya then? Naturally, lust became my worship, and I don't mean that poetically. Anything one does "religiously" (look the word up in a dictionary, really) every day faithfully w/o fail, with trust, and very seriously. It gave me feelings tzadikim write about in seforim regarding mitzvos, particularly the chassidishe tzadikim. I knew it was wrong, tecnically and believed it was destroying me in some way, but I could not see it or feel it yet, so why would I stop, I ask you? Who would? It was only later, when it almost completely destroyed me as a human being, not only as a yid, that I saw it was either lust, or me. Till then I was sure we were strange bedfellows.
So, yes, it is a YH, and to call it that for a person who is still free makes absolute sense to me. Teach and persuade yidden not to be fooled by the YH. However, anybody who has looked paraoh in the face and can say "Yes, I understand what it feels like to have your heart hardened and what it is like to realize that your bechira simply doesn't reach here any more" is different.
I do not wish to be confrontational but want to be clear about this. Gemorahs, chizzuk, reasoning and Mussar are great for people who understand it's value. I felt like I appreciated it and memorized chunks of mesillas yeshorim and learned a lot of the chizzuk on these forums. Lots of eitzas. But to a sexaholic like me and others I know, it was just an internal finger shaking at me and saying "why don't you just come to your senses already!". Today, I may seem very similar to most yidden, lust not being an issue for me most of the time. But I keep my "beggars clothes" nearby in my closet and I still put them back on every time I go to a meeting and every time what you call the YH shows itself to me. The day I allow myself to get fooled that (now that I am really a good yid) I can always just use my newfound reasoning (ie. real connected and deep Torah wisdom) against lust  is the day I believe I will get flushed down the toilet and revert back to my old life. I am not alone in this. Am I in the throes of a crisis? No. But I am as soon as I think I can beat it, and I really mean that. I am on reprieve, that's all. And nevertheless it has opened up a beautiful new world of Torah and avoda to me i never thought I'd ever have a shaychus to after having abused it so much.
Moshcheihu lebeis hamedrash? Yes, I believe this chazal speaks to all of us. The question is: who is the menuval? As I explained above, my mind told me that lust was the menuval, but everything I did showed clearly that my heart considered it my best friend and my higher power. It wasn't really a menuval to me, so why try to apply that chazal to it?
I almost never struggle with what you call the YH for lust. If I have to change into a "brawler" I think the game is already over, for me. The ga'avah and self-deception alone, of me saying "I'll try hard enough this time and finally beat it, Hashem, just watch!", was the poison that almost irreperably ruined my life and the lives of my wife and children. i know at least one older talmid chochom who is still too busy ruining his with it to give up and get help... please daven...
Now, you may say: do it be'ezras Hashem, that's all. (Like Shaul and David before he went to golias changed his nusach and added that Hashem would help him) Well, saying I'll beat it "be'ezras Hashem" is too dangerous for me, as I lived as a "warrior" for years and it was just an excuse to get sicker - I just had to beat it! That is based on my experience, not a poor self-image, nor on chazal, by the way. (Though chazal do say that  Chizkiyahu needed to go to sleep whenbavel came because he was on a lower madreiga than Dovid Hamelech who could go out to battle and still give it to Hashem. I am obviously on a lower madreiga than anyone who is not a sexaholic, but hey, that's life.) BH Hashem is here for me, in me and around me to protect me and flatten the path in front of me smooth, every single day. Some yidden do it the other way, by fighting. I can't. My fight is different. It is a struggle to: let Hashem do it, not me. Either way, in the end I am sure the YH is still saying "UNCLE"!, no?
So we are on the same team! We are both ultimately fighting the YH. The way I see it, an addict like me needs to see lust as YH mibachutz and use tefillah and mesiras nefesh (giving myself in service to Hashem and others in every aspect of my life, which is the 3rd step) and totally depend on Hashem to turn it aside (fine, call it "beat it" if it makes you feel good!), others need to wage a feirce internal struggle. Why not say eilu va'eilu?

Guard, I do not understand you.  You are right that an addict does not have the power when faced with lust.  However, an addict has to learn to take control of his actions.  That is part of recovery.  Hashem gave us the power of ratzon and to make decisions.  We need to make decisions and difficult decisions.  We need to decide NOW what we really want out of life.  And we need to decide when faced with lust what to do.  If not, then even 12 steps do not help.  Just look at all the people that did fall even with 12 steps; members of our very own site.  It takes POWER to call a sponsor the same way it it is to do any other technique to distract himself (be it learn Torah or play guitar). There is no magic.  I agree that perhaps calling a sponsor can easier.  but I do not know, never tried it. B"H, I have been freed from all temptations for 130 days, which is a total nes.   

The main technique that 12 steps in regards to nisayon (obviously they have lots of yesodos), from what I understood from Boruch, our 12 steps expert, is the power of distraction.  We must fight the yetzer hara from the side; overtime the temptations will die down.  And in fact Borcuch explained to us that this is exactly what Chazal meant.  There is NO contradiction.  The 12 steps are not details; they are klalim, principles.  If it makes some people feel better, think of some of the idea of learning torah in nisayon as a detail to this principle of 12 steps.  The chachma of 12 steps is not that they are mechadesh new ideas but organized them nicely and created a concise list of imp't yesodos for recovery. 

I will quote the words of Boruch:

"Then I joined the 12 steps group and as I described here, through working the steps on my nisyonos, I came to realize that the urge to fight and confront the addiction with an all out emotional battle of wills is as damaging as the urge to succumb to the addiction. That is when I understood that the best way to fight the y"h was to be mevatel my rotzon to fight the yetzer hora directly. I realized that I needed to surrender my rotzon to Hashem's rotzon.

As the Rambam says in Hilchos Issurei Biah (21:19) "yasiya libo midivrei havai vehashchoso veyifaneh ledivrei torah", move the mind from empty and destructive thoughts and channel it to words of Torah. Yasiya, yefaneh, that's a smooth process, no struggle at all. So if we do it our way, and it becomes personal and we try and beat the y"h on our own terms we are asking for real trouble.

Thanks to the 12 steps group I joined, I learned to do it Hashem's way, which is that when a nisoyon comes we resist the urge to struggle and we resist the urge to take on the yetzer hora and instead we just immediately, absolutely and effortlessly switch channels to Torah, whether it is the Torah suggested by the Rebbe R' Elimelech in his tzetel koton, the drosho of Chazal on Venishmartem mikol dovor ra, shelo yeharher odom bayom veyovo lidei tuma balaylo, whether it is another possuk or mammar Chazal, whether it is a Shiur on a cellphone, or a Rashbo or Ketzos we remember, we just do what Hashem tells us to do, we focus on His Heilge Torah for as long as it takes and He will do the rest."

In other post he writes:

"So addressing implementing the 1st through 3rd step in a moment of nisoyon, as I posted earlier, there is no submission to Hashem if you are not prepared to implement Hashem's prescription for a moment of nisoyon. And if you are honest you will look at the Rambam and see that it is very clear beyond any doubt that the Rambam is discussing what to actually do in a moment of nisoyon. The place for tefila is all in advance. L'olom yispallel odom shelo yechleh... However once we are in the actual situation of a nisoyon, tefila is the wrong approach. In this specific instance of nisoyon of hirhurei zenus the Rambam is very clear. And in fact in all nisyonos of yetzer hora chazal say moshcheihu lebeis hamedrash. And as you well know the mesilas yeshorim says that torah is the tavlin and no other approach will work."

The 12 steps give people sponsors which are VERY helpful.  But again, a person still needs to address his most basic problem as an addict called lack of self control.  Because if he lacks it, he can have all the sponsors in the world and read all the red, white and blue books, when faced with a nisayon, he will lack the will power to do what it takes to do to get himself out of the mess.  The other thing that is REQUIRED of addicts is addressing his desires.  He needs to learn to "let go" of his desires.  Otherwise the temptations will eventually overpower him. This takes honesty with ones self as to how to address his most inner emotions and feelings.  This is about self awareness. This is about uncovering his inner spirit.  There is more that is required for recovery, but those two are the most basics, because they are the primary ingredients in p**n addiction.  That is why we give ourselves a long time for recovery. This too, for some, can be easier in a group setting working the steps.     

It is important for people to create goals outside of staying sober for an extended period of time.  Otherwise they are not focused not "recovery". 

You hit the nail on the head.




An addict simply does not have the power, ever, when he is faced with lust. He is ill and needs a doctor. The 12-Steps are the derech eretz kadma latorah. As Dov said recently, Hashem had to "heal" all the Yidden before he gave them the Torah. The Torah can't work if you're ill.

BTW. You don't have to add a new post, you can modify your previous post by pressing "modify".

Today is number 4
I read your replies to my post, and couldn't believe how wide I smiled! The caring words you sent - give me great chizuk, and REAL pleasure.  I wrote how I want to be connected and alive - and this forum gives me tremendous pleasure. Being proactive about the lust addiction is a remedy for the utter helplessness of falling into that deep pit of weakness.
I went about my usual route, including busses (non-mehadrin) and was able to avoid looking on purpose. I am now at the computer happily browsing the site, and getting chizuk at every click.

What a turnaround!

I appreciate the words of caution in the replies, and will try to stay humble - Let GO and Let G-D (as I write those words - I feel my shoulders relax and my breathing calm)

I also see that the replies - especially of Ykv - gently urge me to open up, and show my emotions, admit to them so I can get real deep nourishment.

Well, I am afraid!
I am even afraid (til now) to admit that I'm afraid. How have I numbed my natural Yiras Shomayim! How have I numbed my fear of being discovered and taken chances that a rational being would never do? I even saw some moftim - like from heaven - getting calls right when I'd be about to fall, or being called away from the dirty screens.... only to go back, just a little more - which could turn into hours!
But I pushed it away with a good measure of stubbornness, snapped at those who interuppted me, and numbed my remorse.

I am trying to feel alive, and that means to feel the hurt and pain - along with the real pleasure of self respect.
I am proud to have joined this community and look for your help and support to make this 90 (=Zaddik in gimatria) day trip

Thanks
Chaim

Hi poeple,

I am Bli Neder on my 6th day! I am using a new tactic to take it one day at a time. I was looking too far ahead and falling because of that. I have been davening to Hashem that he should help me TODAY and havent even thought about tommorrow yet.

Here we I'm going to give it try. I'll go through the 30 principals briefly maybe do 1-3 per post because they are relatively short. If I feel that I cant do it anymore i'll lket you guys know. I might now be able to do it everyday or even every other sometimes. Also, feel free to post comments with criticsm and additions. I'm always looking to grow.

Principal #1
It is almost as important to understand who your enemy is as it is to underastand what his weaponry is. Our addiction to lust, assuming we can admit that, is the weaponry that the Yetzer Hara uses against us. Underastand that the addiction that we have is not only a psychological problem, but its a medical problem as well. Therefore, if someone C'V has cancer or other diseases, their will and inner strength are what get them to recovery also, but without medicine they wil not recover no matter how strong they are. It would go against every law of natural science for that person to recover without medicine and we too need "medicine" to recover from our "disease". And the more we feed ou disease, the deeper it engraves itself in us, making it harder to remove. Just like if a person with a heart problem continues to eat greasy food, the walls of his arteries continue to erode.

Principal #2
If we cant accpet that we need help, then what are we doing here? This website is not the only help we need, but it creates the idea in us that we cant do it ourselves. marriage and new relationships will not heal this problem or even lessen it, on the contrary it can stimulate it to become even more than it was before.

Principal #3
This is not in the handbook, but I feel this is true and has to do with this principal: Hashem would not put us into a situation in which we cannot succeed in some way unless we dont have free will. We obviously have free will even though this is an addiction and addiction sort of takes that away. We can succeed witht he right attitude and help. And do not use our falls as an excuse to say we cant do it because even if C'V we do fall, we have to pick oursleves up and start over. Understanding that we can be helped, is like knowing Halachos. If you dont know Halachos and you are Over on lets say Hilchos Shabbos then you are Patur because you just didnt know, but once you know that there might be something wrong with what your doing and decline to learn the Halacha then youre Chayav. Also here with lust, once you know that you can be helped and you can recover, don't use the excuse that you cant be helped because you already knoqw that it is possible. If you do get the feling that you cant be helped, thats probably the Yetzer Hara telling you that.

Dear hoping,
I said this before, and I'll say it again: It is comments like yours that keep me going! I've mentioned in the past that I suffer from depression and feeling alone. I'm not a very social person, and have very few friends.
When I read complimentary (or at least pareve/not-hostile) comments to my posts, I feel that I do have a circle of friends out there, and that helps me fight the depression. We all know that the Y"H is the most effective when we are depressed, so posts like yours helps me fight the Y"H. That in turn enables me to try and inspire myself and others. This is a beautiful cycle. Thanks for being a part of it!

Reb GYE, thank you for the compliment!

Today's report:

Since I'm such a "yekkie" and I love to make lists, I felt the need to create order with all of the information I've discovered and read over the past week. I also added two new ideas, "commandments 9 and 10, and they are big ones, but essential.

I need to read the following, daily. I think since I've learned so much during the past week, it's enough for me to repeat and live the following daily. Of course, I reserve myself the right to edit and add to this list as I continue to go through the GYE and SA material. I'd like to my list the 10 commandments for fighting my lust addiction. If only I can live by the following rules, and I think they are attainable, I think I "would have arrived".

I purposely began each "commandment" with the word "today" since this battle must be fought one day at a time.

A word of caution: I think each person has to read through the GYE and SA material and, if you are a person who likes to make lists, make your own list. I think this list will work for me, meaning, I think these commandments will help me battle my lust addiction, and I feel that I personally can perform these. This list is personal, and may not be suitable for everyone. But, it's my blog, so it's my list. Maybe some of these ideas will be helpful for some of you reading this. It's also a reminder for me of what I need to do each day to get better.

If you think any of the commandments are imprecise or incorrect, please let me know.

Here goes:

I will, blee neder, read, and perform the following, daily:

Commandment #1: Fill my day with chizuk
Today I'll read through the GYE handbook when taking breaks at work instead of surfing around. I'll read and responses to other people's posts and to my posts, and get chizuk from them.

Commandment #2: Remind myself of my addiction
Today I remind myself the first step of the 12 steps ("We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable"): I am addicted to lust and it overtakes my life if I don't try to control it, and that I can't control it all by myself.

Commandment #3: Strengthen my belief in Hashem
Today I remind myself of step 2 of the 12 steps ("Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"): I believe in Hashem who will help me with my battle. I also have a circle of friends here on this forum who are helping me.

Commandment #4: Make Hashem's will my will
Today I remind myself of step 3 of the 12 steps ("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d").

• In matters of anger and control: I believe that Hashem controls the world and it's outcome. Therefore, I will try today not to get angry when something happens against my will. I have a natural tendency to want to control my life, my environment, and other people's lives. I will try to learn to stop fighting and let You, Hashem, run the world the way You see fit. I need to learn to accept myself and others.


• I matters of lust: While I will try today not to give in to any of my desires that are against Hashem's will, however, Hashem, You are only one who can relieve my addiction. Please take it away from me!

Commandment #5: Remind myself why I must remove lust from myself
I'll remind myself why I must remove lust from myself. I have to stop lustful emotions as soon as they start by reminding myself that I WANT to let myself go of the lust, even though it gives me a temporary feeling of escape from my unhappiness and from my loneliness, because of the following:

• Pleasure is fleeting, false fulfillment, and cuts me off from the world and doesn’t let me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem, doesn't bind me to the goodness in the world, makes me lose appreciation for my wife and children and be unable to find inner peace.  I remain closed up within a shell.


• Happiness is ever-lasting, real fulfillment, reconnects me to the world, makes me feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem, see the goodness in the world, helps me gain appreciation my wife and children, and find inner peace.

Commandment #6: Break up the day, be happy
Today I'll be happy. I'll break the day into 3 segments: morning (when I wake up until lunch), afternoon (lunch until I get home), and night (when I get home until I wake up). For every hour, and especially after every segment I stay clean, I will be happy about it.

Commandment #7: Guard my eyes
Today I'll guard my eyes in the office and on the street. I will use my filters to guard my eyes on the internet. When I feel weak, I'll try to read from the GYE handbook instead of trying to bypass my filters.

Commandment #8: Make fences

• Today I won't touch myself.


• Today, when I feel like acting out, I won't. I'll wait 10 minutes, sitting or walking around if need be, and by then the lust will have passed.

Commandment #9: Doven better
Today I will direct my energy and spiritual vigor into my prayers. Today I'll focus on davening with more kavana.

Commandment #10: Love, not lust
Today I will treat my wife with love, not as an object of lust.  I will work on understanding and living the difference between love and lust.

This moshol bears repeating and I have told it over many times, may Hashem help me remember when I need it! I usually tell it over to guys who express frustration w/the program and it seems they may be "working the steps" too rigidly, too slowly, or writing too much for their own good. On the other hand, it is also gives freeing relief to some guys who look at the steps as some kind of "giant mountain" they could never climb, so they give up or procrastinate (forever). The steps are not a religion, not an "Ol" and clearly cannot work at all w/that attitude! Sure, it is uncomfortable to face the truth and may be hard to finally do what needs to be done, but it is never complicated.

My sponsor told me that if I'm working the program but still unhappy, I am probably not working it right! My Higher Power should actually be doing most of the actual work! My responsibility (to myself) is to simply work the steps in order to become willing to let Him remove my kin'ah, ta'ava, and kavod that lead me to alleh mishigassim and make life miserable. On the other hand, what a privelege it is to be sober even when the chips are down and I am feeling sad for some reason!

PS. For those interested in traditional AA stuff w/this approach, you may like the six CD series (or lttle AA book based on them), "A New Pair of Glasses" by Chuck C, an AA "elder". He was about 75 years old when he gave the original weekend series. Chuck clearly and repeatedly demonstrates through sharing his experience - not lecturing - principles like: admitting what my problem really is; knowing(not just having emunah - see RMBM) that G-d really is in charge of outcomes and learning what it means to actually live that way; understanding and accepting that G-d is truly and completely on our side unconditionally and forever; not taking myself too seriously and why humility makes self-pity very difficult; making peace w/the yesod that the whole point of life is: what I give and not what I get out of it; and other stuff basic to recovery. I cannot approach these yesodos as mitzvos/obligations at all, but as derech eretz: simple, enlightened self-interest. They are not madregahs for an addict, rather, they are a recovering addict's oxygen, the bottom line minimal requirments for functioning, as he explains. Living w/them makes staying sober possible. He has no religious agenda and, in fact, clarifies a difference between religion and the steps that I find helpful. Though he (annoyingly) mentions christian verses two or three times (having been raised that way), another frum guy has told me that the religious ideas he expresses there are apparently based on Torah. I skip that stuff because it doesn't feel right anyway..boundaries are a good thing...yeah, I know some people may take issue with me about this whole suggestion, but it helped me so I'm passing it along and sincerely hope no one is offended.

PS. For me, the ikkar of Torah and mitzvos come after the steps. In asimilar way, my wife has told me that she considers the day I got sober the best day in our lives, much better than our chasunah day, and the new start of our marriage. I myself, changed my name from a choser to a moleh spelling since starting to recover b'Eezras Hashem. Yes, a yid must try to be moser nefesh to do the Torah and mitzvos while he is still very, very ill. But once we are no longer regularly and naturally doing things that endanger his life, are chayav misah bidei shamayim, Kareis, are just plain nuts, etc., it seems to me that our responsibility - rather, ability - to keep the mitzvos is elevated because we are more awake. We probably never fully awaken, except for tzaddikim...
Similar to the RMB'Ns shittah regarding mitzvos in Chutz La'aretz. They of course apply there and are precious (and in some specific respects may be the most precious), but the ikkar kiyum of mitzvos is in Eretz Yisrael, he holds.
May Hashem help us care more about doing His will than ours and accept living His will with a whole heart!

PPS. BTW, Yes, Yiddishkeit Is an "Ol", yoke. But remember, Hashem healed all of us completely before he gave us the Torah. He then put the mountain over us to send the message that it is an "Ol" that needs to be accepted. It was important that we were no longer "sick" at the time of taking on such a responsibility.