B''H still going strong at 29 days. The changes I made after my last fall seem to be working. I have been feeling depressed the last few days, but from what I've read that's typical at this point in the journey. Many of my strategies for overcoming this addiction are also strategies for overcoming depression, so in the interest of keeping myself accountable, today I will:

• Go to the gym
• Spend some time outdoors
• Dedicate some time to reading a book

in_ardua_tendit wrote on 23 Mar 2021 15:31:

Wow, I’m very impressed. Very choshuv. You’re a true Ben Chorin.
Keep shteiging and keep in touch!

Okay guys, I did a big thing today and blocked Twitter on my phone with the filter (the website and the app). I also blocked another app which allowed access to pornographic content. I had a fall this morning but I don't want to keep doing that. And I don't want to keep wasting so much time on twitter. My hand goes to the phone to unlock it and open the twitter app even now that it is gone, while I am sitting at my desk in front of my work computer. I realized that it really is like an addiction. For example, I did not go to sleep for about 45 minutes last night because I was on Twitter. And even if I had been reading instead, at least I would have been reading, and I would have gone to sleep earlier, probably, because I get tired eventually reading in a way I do not when anticipating the dopamine buzz of twitter news and twitter interactions.

Thanks to everyone who reached out to give suggestions and chizuk. 

I have been having nocturnal emissions almost every night for the last week. I do not remember it being this frequent since puberty. Whatever I do it is every night, I am not looking at porn, I am not acting out, I do not know what to do. I sleep on the right side it happens, I try to relax before bed once again. I wear very loose underwear but once again I wake up in the middle of the night briefly and have an emission. I never acted out frequently since I got addicted to watching the filth. I will admit I was addicted to looking at it but I rarely wasted seed. I think in the last 14 days I lost more seed than in a year combined. I want to know if any of you have had similar experiences and if it stops after a while.

Hey Reb OnTheWayUp,

As someone who struggles with several mental health conditions including depression, it always irks me how some people on here sometimes morph together sex addiction etc. with depression, as if the only way to get depressed is when you have a porn or mastubration habit...

They are two entirely different things, and although being depressed is sometimes triggered by porn use or the like, it’s not the underlying cause, at least in many cases. 

Considering that you have been clean for 48 days, and the depression making appearances in other areas of your life, I think you should consider that you most probably suffer from clinical depression.
That is generally treatable with therapy and perhaps medication, depending on how severe it is...

Feel free to reach out by PM if you’d like to discuss this further...

Hello OnTheWayUp,

First of all, you are simply not alone in this at all.

This is the single most emotional problem people are facing out there and while it's not only common by those who struggle with addiction, it's way more common in this community - especially sex addicts.

There might be a hole bunch of reasons why you feel that way, but without the simple foundations of life and meaning it's almost impossible to get into self-blame, depression etc.

​Let me just start with a few simple questions to serve as food-for-thought:

1. Was this word created for no good reason?
2. Are you aware that both of us will someday die?
3. If #3 is correct, why are we here in first place?

I am just expressing something hear and would like to hear feedback. I will give some background about myself so people may understand. I am 22 and have been a member for close to 8 years. My addiction started before that. By 12 years old I know I was struggling in these areas. Back then the level of control was less and my only hope was to not have internet access. I should also mention that I suffered some SSA throughout the years. I am only mentioning this if this can help paint a better picture. By now, as long as I am vigilant, I can keep those feelings at bay. I had my ups and downs along the years but always growing and getting better. My worst relapse was during corona and it had its effects even up to a few months ago. After being clean for almost a year I went into 2 months of hell and thought I would not get out of it. Slowly I crawled back. I am 48 days clean as I write this.

I hope this gives a good glimpse as I now write about something else.As long as I could remember I have never been happy. It is hard for me to be excited. I always believe myself to not be doing enough. When I am doing great that is neutral and when I am not at 100% that is me failing. I am not talking about falling. I am talking about everyday events. In yeshiva this is especially pertinent. If I am late to seder or waste my time, do not understand the shuir or even just accidently insult someone I get down and depressed. I am used to it now so the outside viewer will be unable to recognize it. I feel like my default is a melancholy feeling. So my question to all the readers is like this: Is this an outgrowth of all the struggles I have had regarding these GYE issues? I recently read a testimonial of someone who struggled for years in this and he discusses how he fell into depression m because of it. In that instance it was when he was in the addiction .Now, although I am not out of the woods I am in a way better place than I was 6 years ago. Is this some sort of post traumatic depression. What is wrong? I am only writing this now since I recently read this article. In general, I just do not seem to be able to appreciate myself. Why do I feel this way. Why am I different or is everyone depressed like me. Is this feeling at all related to this struggle? Is is the somewhat dormant SSA? Is this something that can be fixed or do I just live with it? I am okay, I believe. I appear like a normal and healthy young man to anyone who knows me. I have had my bumps along the way but that is what made me. This is truth and I do believe it, I just wish I was able to live a more peaceful and content self.

OivedElokim wrote on 22 Mar 2021 15:45:


If I may add to the above...
​The Pasuk in Mishlei (18:1) says: "Le'taava yevakesh nifrad - Desire seeks isolation". Being isolated causes us to go after our Taavah - our lust. The addiction wants us to withdraw into ourselves and disconnect from life. A partner in this struggle can do wonders in helping us reconnect to the world around us and ultimately break free. Going into detail with someone else about what we've done, is also known to be one of the best ways to get out the shame, guilt and remorse, and move on.

In addition to the above, simply telling over our feelings and thoughts to a friend or mentor, has tremendous power to help us break the insidious power of the addiction. As the Tzetel Katan of the great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk states:
One should relate before one's teacher, who instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his mind or heart… And one should not withhold anything because of shame. He will find that by relating these things, he will gain the power to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be able to overcome him other times. This is in addition to the good advice that he will receive from his friend in the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful remedy.

We see from the above, that simply relating ones struggles to a friend or mentor has the power to break the strength of the Yetzer Hara. Aside from the fact that the very act of talking it out already lessens the struggle, the main purpose of a partner is that it introduces the vital element of "accountability" into the equation.

Thanks!
The shul is a half hour drive from where I live which means shabbos I have to stay there. Plus during the week, even if I could make the drive to minyan, there’s usually no minyan so it wouldn’t be much better than davening at home anyways. Oy the tzorres of living so out of town, there’s a ranch in my backyard...

Welcome back!
A question, there’s no shul by you? Why need you daven b’yichidus. I’m not chalila judging you, just trying to help.

Oy, withdrawal is rough... Keep posting, keep in touch and keep shteiging!

YeshivaGuy

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Mar 2021 07:53:

Just a heora: the wrong choice is not always the easier one. There are times that that's true, but not always. Nekudas habechirah means that each person at various times has his/her set of challenges. What is easy for one is difficult for another. What was challengin' one day is a breeze the next. The fact that there is an inner ratzon hatov ingrained in each and every one of us makes it easier to do what's right many times.

All;

Yes, I have a filter the most stringencies of gedorim of the filter's capabilities, I can't see any human images not only shaded but completely blocked, blocked any embedded videos and whenever I'll find any loophole I'll advise it to the filter company as soon as I'll come across the loophole;
Yes, I have WEBCHAVER with a great partner;
Yes, I have a password on my filter so that I can't request anything without entering the password, and the best part of the P/W is that my wife has half and myself the other part, so every request has to be done together with her;
Yes, I have a simple flip phone with calculator capability... only.

Yet, with all these mentioned above I can still fall and I can still cheat, which brings me to the ultimate conclusion that: "no filter and no webchaver, no wife and no kosher phone will guard me!" I have to remember that אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי it will only work if I and only I will decide with the utmost absoluteness that from now on I will try my best to stay sober, to beseech my god and try to do his will only, forever.

And to the one who asked me about my label, as I mentioned in my first comment, I come a long long way and yes, I know clearly that (unfortunately) [gladly] I meet full criteria of an addict. Remember I haven't started here, I want to be here as another tool for me in my way to sobriety and full recovery bezras hashem.

Mount whitney wrote on 21 Mar 2021 23:12:

Two steps forward, one step back, or five steps forward, four steps back, the main thing is that you are still moving in the right direction and that you don't stop moving.

It's not like flipping a switch, it takes time and effort. The beginning is what is called "inspiration" the rest is called "real life." When we start off, we are driven and ready to push, but as reality sets in, we constantly have to reignite the drive to push. 

As @Sapy said, this starts with putting down clearly why you are fighting in the first place. The "Why" is going to be the most important question you will need to answer. The Y"H is going to ask you why, your phone will ask you why, your anger will ask why, your patients will ask, your loneliness will ask, etc. Everyone will be asking the same question, you better have a good answer for them or you will give up in a snap.

We don't like to do things that are hard, that's just how we are wired. (in mussar we say that if the Y"H wouldn't be stronger that the Y"T, we wouldn't have free will because we would be compelled to do good. After all, it's the truth and it's easier! Only a fool would run after physical things! In order to ensure bechira, Hashem made the wrong choice always the easier one.) One way to combat this is to give yourself enough of a reason to do the difficult option, that when you consider all the ramifications, the harder choice actually becomes the easier one.


 Never did porn? Then you really won't find it satisfying. Here is a video GYE sent out a few weeks ago that brings out this point so clearly.

im here because im not happy with myself it's a start, but what are you unhappy about? What do you feel? Is it something to do with betrayal? Do you feel like you deserve to live a better life? Is it because you feel like your wife deserves a more loyal husband? is it because you can't imagine the horror of getting caught? Is it because it take up more time than you give to things that are really important to you? Is it because it takes you away from learning and davening and spending time with family and friends? Is it because it just feels dumb and low to run to the toilet every whenever you are bored or stressed? Is it because you know that there is more meaning in life than to ejaculate as one of your primary goals in life (think about how much time we spend planning and then when you consider the bedroom, as kosher masturbation and how focused we are on getting our fix there, we can safely assume that that the goal of ejaculation is pretty high on the list)?

I am sorry if this is too harsh, I don't mean it personally, but food for thought. This is what a lot of guys go through. Please think about it.


Same here, you ain't the only one here who feels that way. Just look around the BB forum, that's what everyone is complaining about. 

The question you need to ask yourself is this, what would satisfy you? What is it that you are looking for? Check out that video that I linked earlier, it makes this point clear. What are your goals in life? What does bring you satisfaction? whatever it is, if you have healthy goals and accomplishing them brings you satisfaction, focus on those and you will have your much coveted satisfaction. 

There is a way to find satisfaction in your marriage, but  it's not going to be through pursuing your fantasies and seeking as much pleasure for yourself. Satisfaction comes from one thing and that is through building long term meaningful relationships. With relatives, friends, spouse and kids and ultimately with Hashem. When we work on our relationships, we feel satisfied. It's not a simple task, but the crux of it is focusing on the needs of others and putting them before ours.

Here are a few great videos worth watching.
gye.vids.io/videos/1c9adbb61c1de2cb94/how-do-we-protect-our-children-from-seeking-bad-pleasures
gye.vids.io/videos/4c9adbb61c1de2c7c4/what-is-the-opposite-of-addiction
gye.vids.io/videos/7c9bd1be1915eac5f4/04-everything-we-think-we-know-about-addiction-is-wrong. 
gye.vids.io/videos/709addb71c1deacbf8/give-them-a-life-to-fight-for

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

 thanks bro!
When i first saw the title of this post, i was like what are the chances someone saw my thread and decided to name their own thread that?!

Shalom Aleichem!
I haven't posted on this thread in a lil while so heres an update:
I was gonna try to start being more productive as of rosh chodesh Nissan. However that didn't exactly work out as I was hoping it would. I am still having a lot of difficulty motivating myself to do my work (both schoolwork and parnassah), to exercise, and to daven (I have a hard time motivating myself to daven b'yechidus 3 times a day). BH I am always motivated to learn tho

In other news, today i let my sister borrow my laptop for the rest of the week and I'm already experiencing some symptoms of withdrawal from that lol. Like i still have my phone that I can do stuff on but its so heavily filtered BH that it doesn't work as well. Plus the
pc version of this site is sooo much more user-friendly than the app. (Btw, does anyone know if you can get the gye chat messages on the gye app?)

Thinking i shouldve named this thread "Technology Addiction: The Chronicles" 

Still clean tho baruch Hashem!