A footnote

Clearly it is imperative that I deal with the issues behind my addictive tendencies. And I am trying, may Hashem help me. And as long as I have not succeeded in dealing with those issues, the odds are great that a new addiction will be formed. Still, I feel it is worthwhile to also cut out the addictive behavior when it's damaging, and hope that whatever the next thing is will be less damaging. For instance if I am be'h successful in ridding myself of this thing, and I find that the only way I can deal with my disease is through meditating for 15 minute a few times a day, I would see that as a much better 'addiction' than news.

Something I've really been struggling with is using the computer destructively. I've written about this a bit in the past. I am so addicted to the computer. I check the news, email and gye first thing in the morning (sometimes while in the middle of saying brachos lately...). Throughout the day I check the news millions of times, just hitting refresh again and again, going from site to site, just trapped in a cycle of inertia. I see this as nothing less than another expression of addiction. It is intrinsically less damaging then the addictions we come here for, but I feel that it has an absolutely terrible effect on my life. It causes me to waste tremendous amounts of time that I could be learning, spending time with my family, doing things that I really really need to be doing, or working.

But again and again I find myself just stuck in front of the computer for no good reason. I saw someone post about having struggled with this in the past, I believe it was PYM. So I know I'm not alone in this.

I want to try and rid myself of this behavior (once again). I can't give up on this. Time is too precious.

I want to try and use the forum to break free from this addiction. I will be'h be posting here daily about my progress breaking free from this other thing as well. I am so fed up and in so much pain about this. I feel like such a slave and know deeply that acting passively on the computer is such a terrible terrible thing. If you don't agree with me, feel free to continue using the computer however you see fit. But after 5 years of having to be on the computer and seeing again and again what a terrible effect going on the news, entertainment and just brainless clicking has on me, my mind is fully made up that it's terrible. (Lets say an av hatuma, we need to leave titles for the real shmutz)

Thinking about cleaning up my act in this area is actual really scary. I lean on the computer as a crutch to help me deal with feelings of great unease. Apparently in the program addiction is called "the disease of dis-ease." I feel that that description fits me like a glove. I am constantly running to different things to help me with my deep disease. Throughout my life I have been addicted at various times to p and m, to drugs of different types, to smoking, to vaping, to books, to audiobooks, and to just general 'clicking around on the computer.' 

So it's scary. How will I manage? What will I do when I'm learning and I'm suddenly seized by a fit of anxiety? I don't know. But it can't be going on the news anymore. Or going on youtube. Or going on linkedin (which stinks anyways). Or even going on gye. Because as great as gye truly is, acting like an addict on gye is damaging too. 

So my goal is
No: news, youtube, social media, forums (other than gye)
Limitted: gye. I will allow some clicking around on gye, and if am actively chatting with someone or reading a post or writing a post I won't put a time limit on it. I need to come up with a time limit for clicking around on gye, im thinking 20 minutes a day
Lastly, if I find myself clicking around aimlessly, to stop as soon as I realize it.

If you relate to what I'm talking about, I'd love to hear from you. If you don't relate or disagree with what I'm talking about, I'd love to not hear from you. If you think I should go to a therapist, you may be right, but I have gone to many in my life and am not interested at the moment in starting that process over. It will take a number of sessions with a new therapist for them to realize that yes I know I'm insecure, I have a good idea where it comes from, I know that the reality within which my insecurities were developed are no longer applicable, now lets see whether you as a person can help me, and there's a good chance they can't. So נמאס לי. What can I say.

Anyway: Day 2.

I'm feeling so alone right now, it cuts so deep, a deep internal sense of loneliness.
I was feeling not understood and disconnected from my wife last night, then things just snowballed and felt worse and worse. Wasn't able to get through to the chevra this morning but then managed to call my sister this morning and talked about those feelings of loneliness and worthlessness for a while which she had also struggled with for years, although it never manifested as an addiction (as far as I know), and felt a bit better, but it didn't last long, talked to a friend in yeshiva for a few minutes, also felt better but it faded quickly. Now I'm home with my wife and kids and just hurting and scared inside but not able to talk about it or feel cared for and connected and just so alone.
Good shabbos

My story part 4:

...So off I went to yeshiva in Israel. Slowly but surely, I got more into learning and starting taking halacha (both bein adam lamakom and bein adam lachavero) more seriously. While never embracing external yeshivish trappings, I was for all intents and purposes, your typical "flip out" case. I was virtually always learning. If I didn't have a sefer in my hand, I was thinking in learning. During my exercise runs bein hasedorim I would listen to mussar and hashkafa shmussen on my iPod. And I was content in life. Regarding P**n, I was pleasantly surprised to find that when I was home during bein hazmanim, I was able to stay clean without any difficulty. Koach Hatorah? Maybe. Also I wasn't a full fledged addict at that point, so basic self control was enough. 

Did I have a spiritual epiphany that was the source of my newfound religious growth? In hindsight, not really. My becoming a ben torah was primarily a function of being affected by my surroundings. Simply put, I was in a yeshiva for the religiously challenged where the social current was becoming more shtark. People are remarkably drawn after their surroundings (Ayin Rambam Hilchos Deios), and I went with the flow. There was also a lot of "kinas sofrim" as to who was the biggest masmid, and I'm competitive by nature, so I was pretty good at playing the game. 

When I left Israel after 2 years to study in a yeshiva back in the states, my motivation very slowly, but very surely, starting to fizzle out. I still had the gnawing feeling that Gemara, the centerpiece of my life as a Ben Torah, was anachronistic, uninspiring and not particularly interesting. I viewed it as eating my veggies. Gotta do it, but I didn't really like it deep down. I was also bothered by various intellectual issues that I won't get into here. 

Don't get me wrong, I was still 100% a ben torah at this point, but the motivation was starting to fade very slowly, almost imperceptibly. Until in my 4th year beis medrash, I got some new breath in my religious life. A supercharge to my lagging motivation batteries.

Its impossible to describe just how impactful (and ultimately, painful) this next period of my life is. To be continued...

P.S thank you every one who is reading and gives a "like" to my posts. I really appreciate the DM's in particular. Gives me reassurance that I'm not spilling my guts out to the void.

Hi to all. im in this trugel for more then 10 years. i am a chassidish guy married with kids but only hasham knows what is realy going on with me, its never been that i should be clean more then 2 days in a row, i am a addict, i cant help myself, thank god i found this website not to long ago, so i have a platform where i can let myself out !!!

i dont know what to do about my self, its day in and day out, im a broken person, its sooooo hard for me, here i davan i eat kosher i keep shabbos etc.... and from the other hand i am transgrasing the greatest sins from all, i said hundres of times im stoping with this junk enough is enough, but the next day back in the hole agin.

hasahm should help me.

pls is their a guy who can relate to me and pls give me some ideas to get of this deep deep dark pit.
im sitting in a kosher kiosk but hooked up to a chat where we share frum hot stuff non frum non jewish hot stuff, it cost me already hunders of dollers sitting in the kiosk, then somone in my shul i saw touching him self and i got turnd on and it let to playing with him OMGim crying when im writing this, that puled me down again, im new to this whole website first i wanna let out a bit of my chest my story is much much longer and complexed this is just a part of my status.

sunnyswan6 wrote on 06 Feb 2025 10:27:

Shalom Brother SunnySwan,

Can I pick your brain a bit?

#1 When you say that being rid of this struggle is unrealistic, what is the context? Do you mean you don't think you can ever never fall again? Today is what matters, not the rest of your life. Even if the struggle persists, that doesn't mean you need to eventually succumb. 

#2 You have called it "biology" and while these tayvos are normal (and certain tayva, like to connect with your wife, is healthy), biology isn't an excuse. It kind of sounds like you can't help it - and if you think that, then you won't. G-d created both my biology (guf) and the natural tayva; He also created in me the ability to make choices (maybe actual addicts would need a different approach) and I can control my body. It might be hard and take time to develop, but my biology does not get a final say in how I react and behave - I get to decide that. Having a shmooze with one of the great mentors here could probably elaborate on this more clearly.

#3 I'm sorry you got some bad advice. You could refer me to a well-known expert herbologist, and I'd call it mostly wooji wooji, despite all the people that swear by those remedies. I'm going to the pharmacy to get antibiotics, not drinking some funky "natural' elixir. That's just me. Point being, some well-meaning experts are only experts withing their wheelhouse and different things work for different people. The mentors here have first-hand experience (that I'd venture to say many experts don't have), so I would not dismiss them as something you've tried already. Your choice of course if you want to call or not.

You seem to be in a pretty good place, and a little change might be all you need to do what you think you cannot.

If you keep making new accounts and coming back, why do you leave and what do you want to be different this time?

Continued Hatzlacha and Kol Tov!

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/414745-Chaims-Oigen?limit=15&start=30#429005

chaimoigen wrote on 13 Jan 2025 14:19:

Dear BenHashemBH,
You made a good point, and I''ll stick to the addiction for the time being. I came in contact with p**n in my childhood, and have struggled with it ever since: Buying it and throwing it out a few days later, you know what I mean. Since that stuff has become easily available online, the challenge is even bigger. Some background information that might be relevant: I am from a Christian background, I converted to Judaism when 30 years old. That means growing up in a world and a environment where p**rn was normal, and Mas****n was considered healthy. Not my parents though, my father was a reverend. and he did not aprove and also my mother was totally against it. That means a mixed message on p**n: Both forbidden (Parents) and allowed (My schoolmates). I later internalized the Jewish values of Tsniut and Guarding your eyes, but somehow the struggle seems to be part and parcel of my soul. 

Right now I have filters on all my devises, but still: You know just as well as I do, that filters aren't perfect. A few years ago I got a smartphone, although in the beginning I didn't want it. But you know, the modern world, and my wife wanted it very badly so I could communicate with her easily by WhatsApp. I have a filter on my phone, but the dirt keeps slipping through, and I still struggle with it.

I would love to hear some suggestions. By the way: My wife doesn't know about my addiction, and I would like to keep it that way.

Yours, 
Poedel 

Thanks all for the listening/responses!

I recognize that it would be very hard for most people just to wrap their head around my situation, and this is coming from people with whom I've shared a small portion of what's going on. So I will just say that for practical suggestions this is going to be a toughie for all the very caring and thoughtful members on this forum. But happy to reach out to HHM and will do so.

Most Rabbanim would simply not be qualified due the nature of the issue, and unfortunately marriage counseling would not address the core issue here. Somehow despite my addiction (or because of it) my wife and I are very devoted to each other.

I will say that I really appreciate chosemyshem's comment. The fact that I am ready to be fully open about my addiction is only due to my success over the past 94 days.  In truth, my wife is much more afraid then me that someone will find out about my addiction.

My wife decided she wouldn't tell the Rov in the end. I'm just going with the flow and trying to be the best person and husband I can be.

Not sure where this is heading, but I've had to learn a lot of patience in life. 

You might say “come on now snap out of it before reality gives you a swift kick in the kneidlach” but I know I’m right and either you can continue down the path you’re going down or you could just believe me now.

on that note let's begin:
   
When it comes to PMO, I tend to get really caught up in shame and depression,  I’ve noticed that we all tend to do. It takes over my life and it clouds my vision and the only thing I could think about is And getting clean and and the ups and downs and the withdrawal and it drives me crazy and makes me lose my mind!  Every day I read people's stories and read forums trying to grasp for stability. I feel that I messed up relationships with my friends, my family and even with g-d. I feel like I’m in the dumps, I feel like there’s no hope there’s nothing to do. There’s nothing I can do and I get stuck. The burden of my addiction weighs down on me so much.
  What I wanna share is that let’s say hypothetically we did mess up our relationship with our friends, our family, even with God (if that’s even possible) we still have ourselves!
Something I’ve been doing is telling myself I love you! Whenever I’m feeling down or if I’m ever having a struggle, if I'm ever in a really bad mood, I picture myself from somebody else’s view and I think of all the positive things about me despite my really ugly addiction, and from the most genuine place I can muster. I tell myself I love you and it’s profound! whatever I’m feeling no matter how terrible, when I tell myself I love you it’s like everything dissolves...
That's what works for me and I believe this is also something that can work for all of us. We totally forgot that humans are deserving of love and even if we mess up and if we can’t get love from our family or friends for whatever reason, whatever our crazy situations are! there is one person who can always say i love you.
Do you know who that is?
It's yourself.

Good morning. I need somewhere to kvetch.

My wife's spiritual journey is so confusing - at times it feels she is getting messages from Hashem directly, at times i feel its from the Soton.  But she depends on this communication to keep her sane when she is alone in bed all day and unable to communicate with the outside world, and to guide her to recovery in her health.

I have extreme appreciation for her and I am lucky to be married to such a special person.

We have talked to Rabbanim, who said her methods are permissible, and mainly asking whether I support her in her journey.  
My wife just called the Rabbanim back to ask for their continued support, telling me she wanted to talk to them alone, and told them when asked that I fully support her.
But I can't! its so confusing! I don't know! I go crazy from this all day back and forth in my mind, especially when she tells me to do things that are illogical to my limited experience and foresight or that seem to stem from her prior traumas and fears, much of it from my addiction.
So I told her this morning I need to talk to one of the Rabbanim and just relay my concerns, maybe we can find a mekubal who can give me reassurance that I should just always listen to my wife, or how to handle the situation.
Then she tells me she first wants to tell this Rov privately all my history of acting out, lying, that I am spiritually insensitive etc. This is not a Rov I am very close with, but she has been in touch with personally a lot for her previous work.
I said to her after some hesitation that she should go ahead and I will support her. I just need to get clarity.
I feel this spiritual journey has been tearing apart our marriage and challenging my sanity and my sobriety. 

Nothing I don't deserve. I deserve much worse. But it is challenging that Hashem throws this all at me when I am broke, trying really hard to stay sober, overwhelmed with life.

94 days. All I know is - I need stay sober today.

Thank you for your love and support and hugs.

As I reread what I wrote last night I was struck by just how vague I put everything, and how I barely scratched the surface of the feelings and experiences I had. I think this will become a bigger project for me. 

only as I begin to examine it further do I realize just how much my childhood held. A quick but easy example of things just skimmed over but which had tremendous impact. I mentioned agav in a line that my brothers had a tough time. Two of my older brothers were kicked out of school by the third grade, one was developmentally and emotionally challenged (as is now in a very precarious state of mental health) and subsequently went to a school for challenged kids, my other brother ended up in public school. this set the stage for them to have many challenges including addictions of their own, and they are now both OTD. My eldest brother (not from the aforementioned) made it through school and beis medrash, but also went OTD later on.

This piece itself triggered many other emotions for both me and my parents and helped to set the stage for further issues in the home.

OK, probably going to need more time to do this properly, though I won't be posting it on GYE I don't think theres a true toeles, even though it was very helpful for me to post the basic overview and get some supporting comments and also to let others know who went through difficult times, there is life after hell, and feel free to reach out.

Challenging morning.  My wife woke me up in the middle of the night to remind me of her fears that someone from the community may have seen me acting out or know of my addiction; she asked me to recount details of a fall in a public place around 8 years ago that is causing these fears.

Then she went into a recently consistent theme - if you did something wrong in x place, how could you go back and try to do something good there? Maybe someone will know you? Or even if not, how could you think you should try to get involved when you are an addict, and as such, you are not ready to make the world a better place? Start with yourself until....?

I answered that I very much understand her fears and pain and deeply apologize for my behavior and what it caused her.  I also said that if someone does know and mentioned this, I would respond that I own that I have given into addiction for many years but that I am now working hard on my recovery, and I hope Hashem will help me be safe today.

Didn't sleep the rest of the night.  I'm back in the mind loop of thinking I am irredeemable, even as I am closing in on 100 days of good sobriety, and that I will never be successful in my family life, parnassah or aspirations because I will keep going through the process of trying and nothing working out as a punishment for my bad deeds.

Its a bad mind loop and I try to get past it. When my wife pushes it, its very hard to keep working and hope for positive outcomes.

My yetzer harah is pretty good at pulling this trick out of the bag just when I start getting my life together and getting serious work done.

Anyways, we clearly had different ideas of what intimacy was supposed to be and had some struggle figuring that out (we never really figured it out, I just felt not loved and rejected). So we’re married and it’s very nice. I’m not watching porn or masturbating anymore! Omg marriage actually worked! Uh oh, apparently sometimes sex can cause pregnancy. And pregnancy is one of the leading causes of children. And childbirth causes apparently unending niddahness (new word, websters). So I had a hard time, during the pregnancy and started filter poking, and after the pregnancy I found that my filter wasn’t so good. I could once again get porn. And I fell, and again, and again, and we were back. Ah my old friend how did I ever live without you, and yet how can I live with you. Oh the shame of watching porn with the baby in the room, it is actually really akward.

I don’t think during my clean time I was ever really better, I still was thirsting for connection but I was maybe getting some from my wife, I don’t really know. The point is I was back in a rut. And there was no way out.

Just one week, just stay clean one week. Argh! Okay just 3 days? No? Damn you!

Again, try again. Argh!!!! Why oh why can’t I be free?!?

Maybe a better filter?

Nope went crazy and broke it down. I need my drug to live and yet I cannot live like this.

One time I had skipped seder to watch porn, and then it happened. I saw an ad for GYE.

Now I had seen ads for it before and signed up once but quit because at that point I was not ready to give it up, but now I opened it up and watched the promo video for GYE 2.0 (good timing). And I cried. It was telling my story, my pain, and what I hoped could one day be me getting free.

So I decided this is it, I’m going to break free. I started with the F2F program, and went clean for a long time (I don’t remember how long it was for but I could check later, I think it was 90 days). During this time I started taking my glasses of in the street when I would go walking. Once my wife asked me about it and being young naïve and uneducated, I told her I was working on shmiras einayim and there is a big push being made for everyone to try and be more careful in all areas, hence the glasses, and her being a sweet beis yaakov just thought “Oh wow my husband is so special.”

 But then I fell back. And I was back in the cycle. Now this time things were much better, I got techloq and it was a much better filter actually blocked pretty much everything bad, and I did have a bunch of tools from the F2F but it was still tough. Then I reached out to my mashgiach. I told him the basic story (the porn part, the childhood stuff is special for you guys, and my therapist) he was very helpful and comforting and agreed to be my co-pilot. I started texting him everyday and we would meet once a week to shmuz. This was super helpful and I started getting a nice streak. But inevitably there were issues, bumps in the road. Though at the time they seemed like unpassable mountains, looking back now from where I am, I see they were no more than speed bumps on the road which led to the real freaking mountain. And the cycle continued for a while. Get a nice streak, break it, binge and get back in the old habit, break into another long streak, but invariably face a challenge and fall back.

Some of the challenges: My wifes unfiltered smartphone, the public computers at college or the library. To deal with each challenge as it came up took a lot of strength and was not easy, many times it was only after several consecutive falls with the same problem that I would address it.

I don’t know where the turning point was but I had one point where I had a few very long streaks only briefly broken (albeit with intense bingeing). Throughout this all, I was still posting on the forums regularly and using other tricks to stay involved and motivated. But I had never conquered my inner demons, the anger and frustration were real. My shalom bais was at stake. We never fought but there was very little connection. I was already sick and tired of intimacy and we spent very little time together. I remember starting to cut suppers short to go back to learn because they were just unbearable, so uncomfortable. I was working on being sober but I was not at all really trying to recover. By this point I had made a major shift in my lifestyle, I was sleeping better and exercising more. But my emotions remained out of wack.

On purim I came home very drunk and fell breaking a nice streak. That was the last time I fell (as of this writing).

I got back on the train and was sobering up. But the pain was still there, and to make it worse my wife was expecting again. I was in a very bad place emotionally. I was feeling constantly rejected by my wife, and all alone in the struggle. The pain was so terrible. Walking around, not as a man, but as a wound, a gaping wound of hurt. I did not want to live, I wanted to die. I wasn’t actually suicidal but I did not want this life anymore. I remember telling an older Kollel yungerman (the same beis medrash guy who started learning with me all those years back, and whom with I now had a strong kesher/relationship) that I wanted to die and that I wished my wife would never go to the mikvah again so that we could stop having sex and I wouldn’t have to feel that pain anymore. He told me afterwards that it made him cry, as I write this it’s making me cry, and I’m on a crowded flight!

I was getting anxiety attacks and would not be able to be in the yeshiva, a couple times I came home on Shabbos in the middle of shachris because I just couldn’t be there anymore, bearing this great pain while surrounded by so many who knew nothing of what I was going through. The feeling of loneliness it produced was so powerful that I had to leave.

After discussing these episodes with my mashgiach he suggested I go to therapy, I agreed.

And that is when a lot of things started to happen all at once.

I started therapy and worked on recognizing where all my negative beleifs about myself came from (surprise: childhood!), and also on feeling my emotions instead of pushing them aside.

I also started reading/consuming information on sex addiction and addiction in general, along with other books on mental health struggles.

I took tremendous amounts of time off of seder to invest in my mental health. I started journaling and taking long walks.

Its hard to say exactly where things went from there. It took some time, but things started to get better. There were still struggles but overall things were getting better.

[p]And I was still clean

First segment, Please do not feel obligated to read.

Recovery, not sobriety – My story.

Where to begin? It’s so hard to know. Do I start from my childhood and work up chronologically, or would it be more honest to start from later and then go back as I became more aware of what was happening and how things affected me. Should I write things out in full, setting a stage for a long book, or structure this as a simple article. Well the best idea would be to just start and see where it takes me. I will blot out certain names but beyond that very little will be changed.

My name is _, and I am a recovering lust addict. Not “I used to be a lust addict”, Because I still am an addict, and not “a recovered lust addict” because I have not finished recovering, which is something I am not sure is actually ever reached.

I grew up, just like everyone grows up, but there were things about my childhood which stood out even then and purely jump out now that I go back to examine them.

Simply, it was not a happy childhood. I survived it but I did not live it. How could it have been truly lived. There were threats and violence, pain and crying. Sure there were bandaids galore, the occasional smiling face and happy time, but overall it was secrets and fear. Now all children misbehave sometimes and all children fear getting caught. How am I supposed to know whether what I went through was so different? Well, I’m not so sure, but my childhood was still full of fear and pain. Now is not the time for examples, those will come. But needless to say, I left for yeshiva out of town a broken soul, petrified of not meating expectations and feeling completely unlovable. But thank god most of this was below the surface, covered up to such an extent that even I was barely aware of it, or more properly blissfully unaware of it. I was a witty boy, and somewhat charismatic, but egotistical and hot headed. I had a sharp tongue, which many times was used for good to defend the abandoned ones, but it got me in lots of trouble too. I almost had the garbage beaten out of me a few too many times to be just lucky. I had friends and close ones, some very close. We would share the pain we experienced and they would support me.

Some odd things during highschool that should be noted. On out shabbosim when I would go home, I would try not to eat meals at home, rather I would eat at my friends house. I hated being home. There was nothing for me there, nothing but judgement and pain. I called my mother every erev Shabbos because it was demanded of me, but I never called my father. I had absolutely no relationship with him by the time I went to highschool. In the summers I did not go to camp to be a counselor, rather I got a job working as a law clerk in offices of family or friends. I was the only one in my class who did this, this was mostly done in order to have some spending money for the year, but maybe there was something more, I have no idea. In tenth grade I got suspended 11 times for failure to go to minyan and be in bed by curfew. I only remember getting in such trouble with my parents, phone taken away, finding my own way home from the trian station, feeling abandoned and not understood. At the same time, me and my friends were drinking heavily every Shabbos, but chasdei hashem I mostly stopped that soon after. I was basically a teenager but one coming off of years of abuse and neglect. Entering eleventh grade I started to get my act together, I also got a kesher with a rebbe which I think was one of the strongest points in my turning around, I stopped the drinking got to bed on time and showed up for shachris. I still wasn’t into learning and regularly spaced out or skipped class, always making a cheshbon to end up with at least a C. Near the end of the year an older guy in beis medrash who had made a kesher with me started to learn with me and things started to look up. Then I got suspended, for minyan, again. I remember calling up my parents and my father yelling at me. I don’t understand, clearly it was hard for me and I had gotten so much better. I cried bitter hot tears.

Speeding up a bit…

By the end of twelfth grade I was super shtark, waking up at 5:30 to learn before shachris and staying up past midnight to learn some more. I never missed shachris. Wow what an amazing turn around right? Well almost, see I still never talked to my father and sometimes I would shut down for a few hours not doing anything. Once I just lay down in the back of the classroom, staring up at the ceiling. Oh and I had a mental breakdown/panc attack in which I lay crying and hyperventilating with images and memories of all the abuse of my childhood playing in my mind. Yeah that freaked my friends out. Sh*t, it’s hard to think about it now. There was so much pain going on, and I was masking it by consuming myself in my learning. At about this time my fathers Yiddishkeit was in freefall, no learning no davening, no nothing. It was very akward for me to come home on out shabbosim, go to shul, come home and be told “Okay let me go wake up tatty and we’ll have the seudah.”

Then at the end of the year me and a couple of friends decided we wanted to stay for summer zman. We all “loved” learning, what a brilliant idea! But when I called up my parents I didn’t exactly get a warm reception. I was told after I graduated I was on my own financially and would need to get a job to support myself at least for the summer (never mind what would happen the next year when I went to learn in beis medrash) That put the nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Fast forward a couple years, I was in third year, still learning shtark, and I was collapsing. I had so much anger inside it was out of control. So I went to therapy. Apparently I had a poor relationship with my parents and didn’t think they loved me. It was bad, very bad. It took so much to go both physically and emotionally. And financially, at one point I was paying for the sessions and transportation and I had no money. When I told my mashgiach that I wasn’t going to every session because I couldn’t afford it he gave me some help to cover the rest of the sessions for the year before I left to continue learning in new York.

And with all this there was porn…

It started when I was young, very young. My older brothers had a hard life and they introduced me first to the idea and then one of them showed me porn and molested me. By eight grade I was viewing porn on the family computer but still didn’t know anything about it or masturbation. At the end of ninth grade a friend told me about how amazing masturbation was, by that point I had a smartphone and was watching (binging) porn whenever home for out shabbosim, and once I started masturbating I was hooked. It became A cycle, go home for and out Shabbos binge porn and masturbate, survive until the next out Shabbos on memories, reload on porn. This continued for a while. At one point I went and bought an inappropriate magazine (actually I was to embarrassed to do it myself and asked a younger student to buy it for me *cringe*).

To be continued… Maybe if I have time. Please don’t feel the need to read all this.