Lost In Search wrote on 16 Jan 2022 22:41:

I'm not sure if I have have an addictive personality or not, (if I do, it's only in the area of seeking to satisfy sexual urges, and not other areas, so I kind of doubt it) but I could say the exact same thing about myself, and many others here would too. It's normal. And many have been able to learn how to deal with it, and stay clean. I know before I joined GYE I thought I was the only one with my unique pulls and powerful urges. With years of habit building and feeding the monster, we've taught ourselves to seek these things as an escape from out negative feelings. Realize it's "just" an urge that is normal. And if you don't act on it, it will go away, but if you do act on it and feed it, it will only stick around and grow. Also, the voice that goes with the urge says you must feed it, you must find something to see, to watch, etc. and it continues demanding more. It's just a sweet-talking tactic of the Yetzer Hora, and is completely false.

According to many professionals, including Rabbi AJ Twerski Z"L, real addiction is an "illness" and needs to be treated as such.  Someone who fell a few times out of curiosity can be washed off and get out of it. But once a person has sunk his mind into this stuff for years, and he has trained himself to use lust as an escape mechanism from life whenever feeling R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability, Discontent) and he has trained his mind to be triggered by everything he sees, this person develops an "allergy" to lust. What that simply means is, that for the rest of his life, he knows that he can not take even the first sip of lust, because if he does, he can easily lose control. His acting out all these years burned neuron pathways into his brain by "conditioning" himself to be aroused by everything he saw.

Knowing that one has this condition doesn't absolve him of anything. He still needs to know what the torah demands from us and keep all the halachos. 

What this person needs to realize is that he is not someone "bad" who needs to become "good", but rather he is simply "ill" and needs to get "better". When attacked by lust he simply says to himself, "well there I go again!", and he surrenders the lust to Hashem - knowing that he can't afford to even battle with it at all.

I have to realise that I have an addictive personality so for most people if they want a little entertainment so they'll go on YouTube or Netflix and they can be on it for however long they decided to be on and then it's done.
me on the other hand when I get in front of a screen and go on YouTube to chill i feel like a 14 year old teenager who's been exposed to YouTube the 1st time and gets so excited.
So when i go to chill online even if i decide to be there only for 30 min its way to exciting to try stopping and then the next thing i know is that I just stayed up for 3 hours in middle of the night watching YouTube.
And usually at that stage I'm feeling all guilty why I wasted so many hours on nothing and thats when i start craving the sexual entertainment and that always has a bad enending.
I know that i have to be off the internet cold turkey for any entertainment reasons and not to use internet other than for practical and necessary reasons.
and youtube as well I have to quit cold terky eveven if its to watch kosher stuff.

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Although I completely agree with you that this addiction itself is powered by animalistic desire, understanding why the addiction is bad and the process to stop it from a torah perspective will ultimately lead me to never to it again. And without that understanding, no matter how long my streak is it'll eventually end if I don't see a higher purpose behind it. Abstinence alone and fighting the desire itself won't get me anywhere.

So I just came from the teen forum after turning 18 so I thought I should introduce myself to the forum here. Here's just a little background to me: 

I've been struggling with p and m for over 12 years now, and during the earlier of those years I wasn't even able to produce seed but the desire was nonetheless there even as young as I was then. I still explicitly remember the first time I did it when my aunt brought her laptop and left it with me while she ran some errands. It wasn't p explicitly then but just arayot which was made known to me through the goyish world and things that I already had a desire to see, so that's what led me to initially seek this stuff on her laptop and eventually it led to me discovering p when I got my own laptop and computer. And I really wouldn't feel guilty at all, only fearful that I would be caught, and so I would do it numerous times a day in my younger years.

Now I'm here baruch Hashem changing my lifestyle and trying to get closer to Hashem and His Torah so I realized that much of my behavior is wrong including this one and that it needs to be fixed. Just a few days ago Baruch Hashem I was able to get the filter I was using previously to work again and now it's up and running on my computer with my mom being able to see my searches and me being only able to view allowed websites. My phone is also filtered in the same manner with apple screen time, so no app store and my safari browser is on allowed websites only with no other browsers or apps that can show me arayot. But I still have some problems: 

I feel like I'm trapped and it's creating this sense of desperation in me even though I have been able to combat this desire without feeling this desperate or trapped or weak. So what I'm saying is that the filters are the source of this new feeling which I didn't experience before until getting all of my devices filtered. I also feel like I might act as desperate as an addict would in regard to this. Please, if there's any information or chizuk you can give me on this for me to avoid this feeling and thought process I would really appreciate it. (The sense of being trapped by the way isn't from the filters itself, I don’t feel like I can't freely roam the internet because I added all the sites that I use on a regular basis that are kosher but secular from fedex to optimum to religious sites like Torah Anytime or itorah.) I also live with a step father who can't stand me and used to call me names under his breath whenever he would see me. He was removed from my home in the pandemic for treating my mom badly but he's living again with us and when he is in the home I also feel trapped in that regard because I don't want to look at that rasha so I can't freely travel in my home when he's there.  

I also haven't told my mom about my struggle so she thinks I'm being frum or something although I think that she sort of has an understanding of my struggle. So the problem here is that I can go to her and ask her to take off the filters temporarily so I can access a site and then put it on the allowed websites and actually then give in to watching p or allowing YouTube so I can fulfill the desire in that regard and she wouldn't suspect a thing or monitor me while doing this. I also have a dismantled smart TV that is under my bed that can't have any filters on it and that can freely access the internet. In this regard I have no idea what to do but if I start acting like a deprived addict I will likely fall in these ways.

My biggest problem is this though: I injured my shoulder, the same one with which I did the act for most of my life, in a very severe way and I've been recovering from it since March. Most of the time was spent getting bedrest and doing the schoolwork I had in great pain. The doctor's said it looked like I was hit by a car or tackled by an NFL player from the nature of the injuries I sustained but neither of these things happened. Now I was already sort of lazy before the injury but afterward I'm very lazy now and my body also feels like it's getting frail from my laziness. This laziness is something I really have to combat but I really don't have much do to even in regards to studying. I really want to sit down and study but after a while my back starts to hurt and I lose interest and go lay down as I've been used to now after the injury. And the sefarim I have are beautiful and full of so much wisdom like sefer chofetz chaim from artscroll and I need to know this stuff to be a shomer mitzvot Jew. I'm also very lonely and I have been for most of my life until middle school where I would hang around this one group and go to a friend's house and they were all idol worshipping catholics/christians or secular. That was certainly to my benefit because I was raised around goyim like a goy and I eventually fell out of touch with that group in high school baruch Hashem but the problem of loneliness still exists. I was friends with a few Jews from the high school but they are all secular and my interaction with them was just conversations on this topic of immorality (in a bad way) and immoral jokes and lashon hara. I was also friends with goyim and engaged in similar activities with them but I have cut ties with all goyim entirely and with those Jews that I knew also. I have no idea what to do in this regard but I feel like very lonely and I know I should connect with a Jewish community but the type of community I'm looking for is sephardi and that is pretty far away from me.    

Please help me in these regards if you can.

indecisive wrote on 12 Jan 2022 07:44:

I can really relate to your problem. For a long time I was going from loophole to loophole until I finally decided to get rid of the phone. You should have much hatzlocha. One point however I want to point out is that you shouldn't view your repeated failures as an essential problem in you. The urge of arayos is totally natural and normal. Today's world and its accompanying challenges make it close to impossible not to be pulled after it. You are a hero for all the times you have abstained, not a failure for the times you found it too hard. As GYE believes, there's no point trying to fight addiction on the grounds of aveiros. You need to use the tools and fight the addiction as it is, raw disgusting lust. Not turning it into a defining point of how jewishly strong you are. Even if you understand, knowledge alone won't beat lust.

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0587933 wrote on 08 Jan 2022 23:57:

yep; but as said above, you gotta decide how you're moving on

sign seen at gye headquarters in the menen hotel, republic of nauru: prishus! yosef hatzaddik! hero! no need to spew! gibbor! you're the inspiration (as peter cetera famously sang)! absolutely no necessity to ejaculate! explore the beaches (there's no one else there anyway)! call the hotline (if you have any service bars on your phone)!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 09 Jan 2022 11:21:

We are here for you and we NEED you! Please stay strong for the sake of so many people that are getting chizzuk and inspiration from you. 

If I may suggest, there is no better way to assure our own long term sobriety than to be helping others every day. Whether it is by being an accountability partner or sponsor for someone else who is struggling, or whether it is through posting on the forum, we are needed out there - and we need the others out there even more.

The last of the 20 steps to Teshuvah of Rabeinu Yonah, and the last of the 12 Steps to breaking free of addiction both talk about helping others who are struggling with the same issues we struggle with. As David Hamelech writes in Tehhilim 51 (the famous Kappitel of Teshuva after the story of Bat Sheva): "alamda poshim dirachecha, vechataim eilecha yashuvu - I shall teach sinners your ways, and sinners to you will return".

What else can we do to help others? Even if we are just starting out on our journey, we can try to find someone else to partner with and share chizuk. The accepted rule in the GYE community is that if we are clean for more than 90 days, we can already be a "sponsor" for someone else as well. But regardless of whether we are a partner or a sponsor, we can share experience, strength and hope with others, and help them along on their journey.

Not only is helping others a great therapy for our own struggles, but also "Midah kineged Midah", the more we help others heal and spread the GYE message of Teshuvah and hope, Hashem will surely help us in ways we never imagined possible!

0587933 wrote on 08 Jan 2022 23:57:

Hi Help help help,

I wish I could. I wish I would have what to offer. Though I didn't want to just pass by your post without offering you a piece of my heart. I gave $5 to Tzedakas Reb Meir Baal Ha'Nes in your zechus, may Hashem give you the power and the staying power to overcome this mighty challenge, keep clean and marry a wonderful woman quicker than you may believe possible! Everyone reading this post (including the poster) would you consider joining me with your own donation for whatever amount to R' Meir Baal Hanes in the zchus of the poster?

I would like to relate my story to you, perhaps it may give you a boost in the direction you'd like to go. There is an address you may be able to access in the inner recesses of your heart.

At a young age I was touched by a classmate in a dirty provocative way, introducing the world of tai'va to me. It was one of young males tai'va, not of females. Fast forward a few years, I was touching others while they slept and masturbating 3 times daily. I wasn't sleeping at night as I was waiting for my bait to enter the deep stages of sleep, I was barley eating, I lost a lot of weight from lack of food intake. I reached a point of deep depression and decided to take my life. I started holding my breath as a means to kill myself (psst, it doesn't work, passing out from lack of oxygen happens before death does, at which point you resume breathing against your will ) After 10-20 seconds I decided to stop for a second and see whether Hashem will send me a message about why I'm in so much pain, by opening a random Sefer to a random place and just putting my finger on a random spot. This is what I got:
 beta.otzar.org/#/book/142010/p/43/t/0.72171896279960431234/fs/0/start/0/end/0/c
:רמבם הלכות דעות פרק ד הלכה יט
   יט שכבת זרע היא כח הגוף וחייו ומאור העינים וכל שתצא ביותר הגוף כלה וכחו כלה וחייו אובדים הוא שאמר שלמה בחכמתו אל תתן לנשים חילך בכל השטוף בבעילה זקנה קופצת עליו וכחו תשש ועיניו כהות וריח רע נודף מפיו ומשחיו ושער ראשו וגבות עיניו וריסי עיניו נושרות ושער זקנו ושחיו ושער רגליו רבה שיניו נופלות והרבה כאבים חוץ מאלו באים עליו אמרו חכמי הרופאים אחד מאלף מת בשאר חלאים והאלף מרוב התשמיש לפיכך צריך אדם להזהר בדבר זה אם רצה לחיות בטובה  I was blown away, I felt like that was a loving kiss from Hashem saying - this is why your feeling miserable, here's how to fix it... I tried very hard. I got to a point of seven months clean from Masturbation (the seven months wasn't right away, I had to fight hard to get to that point). Fast forward a few years. I thought I was perfect with shmiras einayinm, holy, Ai I was thinking about boys my age and younger? That was separated in my mind, I was holy when it came to women. I trully had no desire for them - my mind was trained to like boys not girls. Someone left a provocative picture of a women in a bathroom. I saw it. I looked at it. I wanted it. I was so torn apart at that moment. I said to Hashem - this is a totally new low for me. Until now men, now women too?? I can't do this! I don't know how, but you can do anything - get me married! Within two weeks one of the Gedolei HaDor matched up me and my wife in a crystal clear Ruach HaKodesh occurrence. It happened to me. It can happen to you. In this form, in another form. With this thing, with that thing. It is very hard to get to that place of deep desperation where you cry pierces thorough the heavens to Avinu Shebashomayim, I've tried to get back to that place with other things, with my current struggles with ( ) masterbation and others things, I haven't gotten to that pure powerfull tefilla from deep inside. But I want you to know it's possible, reach inside, do what you can, cry out to him. It helps. I cannot tell you that means you'll never be with another girl again, what I can tell you is take Hashem with you on your journey, tell him your sadness and frustration with your actions, implore him to help you in his way to either never fall into that again and for him to help you get back up if and when you fall again.
I'm out of steam and time, otherwise I'd keep sharing my thoughts.
Love you , please let me know how your doing as you go along, I may not be around sometimes for days or a week at a time, though I'd love to hear from you.

Gibbor k'Ari

As well as being highly addicted to porn for around 6 years (I’m 20 now) I have gotten into the worst thing possible which just kills me every time I think about it - this is hooking up with girls…I’ve done it properly twice but I’m disgusted by it and I’m just scared about the past and also the future bc who knows, maybe I’m going to do it again!!! Can someone who has actually done it with girls please help 

I can't speak for GYE, but I do know this: GYE is an amazing website designed to help people get rid of their addictions. Easypeasy is a booklet/method designed to help people get rid of their porn/mb addictions. I see no reason why GYE would be against it.

HI everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read this. You won't regret it. Because what I'm about to tell you has a lot to do with me, but in time can also have a lot to do with you too. I have a way out of most if not all of your terrible situations. No joke! It's possible that you may have heard of it: it's called the Easypeasy method. Please please please don't stop reading now. This method completely changed my life and everything I ever thought I knew about my problem, and now I'm forever free. What were my problems? For more than half my life I struggled to stop mb and I constantly looked at inappropriate photos and other stuff. I was in a constant cycle of stopping and starting, hoping that finally I would get to 90 days and then things would finally be over. But it never ended that way. Sadly, getting to 90 days didn't feel any more different than being at 60 days or 40 or 30 etc. It was a wonderful achievement, but after awhile it didn't do anything for me. Soon enough I was back to feeling powerful urges and than I was back in the cycle. Shouldn't getting to your goal make you stronger?? Shouldn't it mean that getting there means it's over and you never have to worry about it anymore?? I hate to say it, but using the methods that GYE uses (and don't get me wrong, they have great intentions) will make you have to fight your problem forever. Sure, it'll get easier as you go, but it'll always be there waiting for you to have that one bad day and then all that hard work is gone. I hate to sound like a commercial, but with the Easypeasy method you can get rid of it and never have to worry about it for the rest of your lives. It even explains why using willpower methods (like the ones GYE uses) don't work so well, though of course there are exceptions. I'm attaching a link to the Easypeasy method online booklet here (easypeasymethod.org/). Please, please, please... If you're struggling with any type of porn/mb addiction, no matter how severe or how minor, please, I'm begging you, give it a read. You won't regret it. Remember : the worst that can happen is that it will do nothing for you. But the best that can happen is that you'll be completely free to enjoy life the way you've always wanted to enjoy it. There really is no risk. Take the chance! What are you waiting for?!?


thanks for reading. See you out on the forums!! 

Shalom Everyone,

I would like to know if any of you tried/succeeded/heard of the ``Easy Peasy Method``. 
easypeasymethod.org/ 

This is not a Sefer. It wasn`t written by a big Rabbi, it doesn`t talk about Gehinom, it doesn`t mention limud. It`s just a book, for people who wants to stop with porn addiction. I personally went through the whole thing, and it really opened up my eyes to things I didn`t knew about. I haven`t had a fall since then. 

I would love to speak to someone who used this, either good or bad experiences. 

Much love to you all