cordnoy wrote on 31 Jul 2014 17:22:

Many don't know about the "recent posts" dropdown, but that is how, I, as a moderator (who reads every post) keeps current. I'm not 100% sure why I chose this thread to comment on, but it is good (and bad) to see that my mind, thoughts and writin' style are still of the same wavelength.

I will not debate philosophy, and at the same time, I believe that the #1 step for recovery for any person, no matter the situation, is to get his 'secret' out to another. That other should be someplace safe and cozy. GYE is NOT that place. There might be folks on GYE who could be that 'other,' but the forum is a public and anonymous place. 

Please listen to the followin' distinction (and perhaps read it twice): When one goes to a therapist, Rabbi, mentor, guidance counselor, friend, etc. and discloses that he has molested two toddlers and one teenager in the past year, the 'other' should not respond with, "Know that you are a sicko, deranged, severely demented and need desperately to be locked up in a psyche hospital for three months." That is not appropriate and counter productive. Rather, the response should be, "I hear, I feel for you, that must be tough, that can be disturbing, how does that make you feel? Where would you like to go from here? Etc."  However, when one is on a public forum such as this and he says, "I have raped my wife, boyfriend and give my six year old daughter three baths a week, and I regularly enjoy being peed upon by a leather-clad transvestite," the response from the cheerleadin' squad should not be, "Bravo! Don't worry, you're normal, come join the party, let's explore the symptoms of this behavior, perhaps with the right EMDR professional, we can determine what brought this about, etc." There is this line in this public settin' that these actions (and sometimes even thoughts and desires) have crossed that this is not normal, this is not OK. Is it OK? yes, he/she can be helped, but that is not the purpose of the forum. It can be done through PM's, calls, emails, etc. And certainly not on day #1 and 2. [Even though I said to read it twice, that does not mean that I am right, just that this is my opinion (and I am not humble).]

Two more notes please: 1. This 'line' may not be clear to all, and perhaps not to me as well. Where does visitin' escorts and prostitutes fit in? Howbout multiple partners? What about sodomy with a 17 year old? Howbout bondage porn? I don't know, but I do know that there are some absolutes. 2. I don't like the cheerleadin' method; however, many do, and it has some value to it, perhaps lots of value, and those of you who engage in this type of chizuk, it is completely fine by me, as the motto goes, we should try whatever works; but that should not be confused with this discussion and my argument here when the line, imho ('h' for haughty), has been crossed for this public forum.

And one final note: I obviously have been around the block here for some time, maybe I helped people, maybe not, but on a one-to-one basis, I have spoken with many folks who have engaged in many of the above-mentioned behaviors (I can be included as well), and some of them will even say that I helped them in their recovery.

Godspeed to all

bezalel wrote on 20 Dec 2022 09:59:

Hi! I actually don't hold of greeting any new member with a religious sermon, because if somone is here that means their understanding of their religion until now has probably not led to them stopping their porn issue. And many times the fear of rejection from the community actually prevents people from seeking the help they need. But You took the first step and joined a place dedicated to recovery And you also want to have a life. That's great, because that's a huge part of recovery. The detirmination to do something about the problem . We are all here to try to stop, and there are many wondeful tools available on this website to help with the urges, the proper prespective on Sex and porn, and all the rest of the varied aspects of the struggle. We are all rooting for you. Welcome to the family!

I admit I am out of control, and this force is far greater than me. 

I am an atheist, I don't follow most Jewish traditions, and I am raising my kids secular as well. I feel I am worse off for this. My community will never quite be as tightly knit as those who go to Beit Knesset regularly. I don't have clear guidelines and rules for the road. I am on my own in a void, and failing. 

This is my first day trying something new to get me off of my addictions. Yesterday, I asked another addict online (in an inappropriate context) if he was aware of his addiction. He asked me what I wanted to see next, in a testament to being completely unaware of what I was saying! I realized I am not him. I have capacity for thought and awareness, I am attentive and learned, and I was lucky enough to grow up religious. This "frum" site does not deter me. 

I really hope this community will be conducive to getting off my addiction and getting my life back. (Even that can be contested. I don't remember a time without porn). I hope to find my place, even as somewhat of an outsider. 

My dear friend Geshmak!, I hope you don't mind if I offer you a little piece of advice. This forum is a great place for discussion, for chizuk, for learning about ways to fight this battle, to feel part of the community of holy people looking to be better, it's gevaldig! Or maybe it's Gesmak! or both:) But it is not a place where you will get professional, workable, tailor-made answers for weighty questions. For starters, I know nothing about addictions or how to help them. I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any type of doctor. I'm not a Rav. But on here I can write whatever I think about any topic...and so can somebody else. Second of all, do we have all the details to the question? I'm not saying you even have a weighty question, maybe it depends on what you mean when you say you are 'turned on'. I don't know. I'm not going to weigh in on your question; I'll leave that to the professionals. I will say that just like if you have a halacha question you wouldn't ask the people in the coffee room at the office. You'll call a Rav, explain your question, and he, knowing his stuff, will ask you for all the pertinent details, and you'll get a real, workable answer. Same with any weighty question my friend. If your not sure whether you need therapy reach out to someone who can help you analyze your issue and direct you further. You have written in the past that you spoke to HHM. Why not give him a call? He'll be happy to hear from you. Don't forget to send regards! I love you my friend, and please keep posting all your gesmak! comments, they liven up my day! whenever I see a post from you I read through the whole thing, you are full of life and chiyus, mamash geshmak. P.s. Please don't lock yourself in your room just because TG wrote what he did! Keep k'nocking!
To clarify, there are tons of great things we can learn here. I myself have learned many great things. But if you have a specific question, and a weighty question at that, while you can gain from putting it out and hearing what the oilam says, don't accept an answer just because someone wrote it. Reach out and ask someone you trust, share all the details of your question, and then listen to his advice. Wishing you only the best!

It seems that your guilt and shame are bringing you down.

We know from prior research that we're better able to resist temptation when we feel good, not bad. Research also indicates that not all bad feelings are equal when it comes to undermining self-control. For example, when we asked subjects to anticipate guilt instead of shame, it made them eat more cake. Guilt, it turns out, carries a triple whammy: It concentrates thoughts on the temptation rather than on self-control; it makes you generally feel bad, weakening resistance; and it heightens the expected pleasure from being bad, which makes the temptation more tempting.

One of the good things about GYE is that it helps people see that they are not alone and they are not "bad" but rather "sick" (or you can call it addicted). This helps a person let go of the shame. But that doesn't mean they should let go of the guilt. You see, there is a very big difference between shame and guilt. Shame is damaging. It feeds the vicious cycle of addiction. Instead of "I made a mistake" (guilt), the person feels "I AM a mistake" (shame). I am messed up. I am "broken", I am "bad". This is very unhealthy and makes the person want to give up and just give in more. And our experience is that it is much more beneficial for a person to let go of shame than to hold on to it. Shame generally doesn't help a person stop, even though it seems like it might, in some cases.

On the other hand, it is very important to remain with some positive guilt when we are acting out. The Nesivos Shalom says that when a Jew no longer feels guilt, he has no more hope and is cut off from Hashem. Guilt means that a person acknowledges that they made mistakes in the past. Guilt pushes a person to look for ways to break OUT of the addictive cycle.

Another point, you wrote "They should really find a way to unbreakably filter devices, I have yet to encounter a filter that is 100%" 
It seems that​ this aint gonna happen...  A filter is extremely important but it's only a fence and if we want to jump over there will always be a way to do it. 

And yes, sharing your struggles with another person is something that WORKS. Many many on GYE can testify to that - including ,myself! 
It's easy?! NO! But it can save your life. If you find the right person, not only will he not look down at you but he'll respect you for the courage of coming forward and working on yourself.

Hi NSC! You are amazing that you keep digging deeper with each post, and as you do so you're becoming clearer in what exactly is your struggle, what you find hard about change, etc. So keep posting my friend! We are here with you, we care about you and your success.
About private messages, the difference between that and the forum is that it is, well, private. Nobody will see your conversation with the other person besides for you and that person. No, if you respond they will not see your email address. There is no way for you to know whether you know them, because this whole thing is anonymous, so you don't know who they are, and for the same reason they will not know who you are. Make sure you don't give any identifying details in your messages, and you should be fine.
I'm not a professional, just a friend writing my thoughts, but maybe I can help answer some of your questions. About your specific liking of things to watch, this desire within us, when it gets perverted through all the things we do and watch can take on many different colors, tastes, etc. So whatever your taste may be you are in the same boat as all of us, which means you need help, and yes, you can be helped. The question that seems to bother you the most is why can't you just stop? Stop and realize that if that bothers you so much that means that you really want to stop, because if you didn't care to stop then why would you be bothered? You are only bothered because you really, really, want to stop. You are on first base my friend, because you want to stop. You have to learn the skills, but your starting at a good spot. Why can't you just stop? I don't know if you are addicted or not, but either way there is a whole skill set that you have to learn. You need to learn the skills of self-control, you need to learn about motivation and the ways to change. There's a program you can access from the dashboard called 'flight to freedom', it may be very helpful. The real way to know what is the plan for you is through speaking with a therapist or GYE mentor, they can help you understand yourself and your urges so you will understand on your own why you can't just stop, and they can direct you to the specific things you need to learn which will help you stop, but if you are not holding there yet try the f2f. 
Remember, my dear friend, you're on the right track if you're here and you're bothered. Dig deep and you'll find some answers yourself! Keep posting, my friend!

Deep down we all want to do the right thing. The feelings that compel us to do things which we know are wrong can come from a variety of places. Number one is the yetzer hara. In addition there are various emotional and societal factors. For many the escape into pleasure and fantasy is something we learned way before we knew that such behavior was addictive, detrimental and against Halacha.

If you have never read a book such as the battle of the generation I suggest that you read it. A lot of the book is geared towards changing our perspective toward this struggle. In addition there are techniques on how to clarify what it is that we really want.

I would encourage you to keep pushing yourself to do the right thing no matter how many times or how bad you fall. Don’t look back and beat yourself up for your perceived failures. Every time that you try to do the right thing is inherently a success and something to be proud of.

I’m gonna post my struggles it’s very hard for me but I’m gonna do it…
I can’t stop watching like if I try which I did many times I get crazy depressed and I feel like I’m gonna die or bust like I don’t even understand why. Why can’t I just stop? Which that makes me feel bad and makes me feel very low of myself and even worse is what I watch I’m sure if your on gye you saw bad stuff but I love ( I’m so embarrassed to type this) the low low like bathroom style stuff peeing on each other etc. the real gross stuff. My wife once caught me watching something low and she looks at me so low and ask me if I’m normal and said if you want watch sex is one thing but what do you enjoy about this? I was so broken then I broke into tears in front of her and she also did… my low self esteem went down even lower.
so I wondering a few stuff first if it’s so interesting and so addicting why can’t it just be muter what does H care if we watch it? And if it’s so bad why is it legal like were are they doing this and why can’t it be blocked by government? 
and the main question is why can’t a person just stop? I really want to but I can’t.why??
And also the more I post the more I’ll feel comfortable reaching out to someone. Hopefully

noselfconfidence wrote on 15 Dec 2022 18:33:

Hugs!!!!!

noselfconfidence wrote on 15 Dec 2022 18:33:

What is the extent of your issue with P&M? How does it affect your life? How does it affect your wife? How does it affect your kids? Be Honest with yourself...

Hey buddy it’s really funny cause I’m really trying to stay off posting on gye as much as possible I get really addicted to anything fast like I was actually addicted to gye I was so busy and I was always thinking abt different stuff to post or what I should respond like it was taking over my life so I decided to just read and not post to much… but today I came home for lunch I usually eat in yeshivah and I saw your post and I couldn’t control myself so I responded ( I don’t regret it) thanks for the compliment! And I’m so happy you going to sleep calmer this is the starting off something big for you brother!! You won’t see me posting to much but I’m reading every post you post keep it pumping and don’t forget nobody knows who you are so post what and how you want…
btw just gonna respond ( I can’t control myself)abt what you said why does my wife care? 
I used to think the same thing but I can now explain it simply… basically she feels cheated on she wants you to think and love her the way she  looks the way she acts etc. by you looking at others she feels like your not interested in her only them and also when your in the room your only thinks abt them not her and she feels it big time she knows what your thinking and has no emotional connection with you … the truth is there is so much to say and I’m not even saying it good there is a person on here called Hhm he explained it to me very clearly… again I understand that you don’t feel comfortable calling him yet but if you could push yourself to make that call ( he doesn’t bite if he does bite back )
he can really explain it clearly and you’ll change your life and the life off your wife and kids bhy!! Good luck! Love ya!! גוט שבת!!

noselfconfidence wrote on 15 Dec 2022 18:33:

Welcome. I promise you NO ONE is laughing. Posting takes courage. Your story is not unusual. I will say, don’t do this just to please your wife (I don’t believe that’s how you really feel), do it because you really want to do better. All that talk about not caring and only doing it for her is coming from the low self confidence. If you can find the strength to overcome your embarrassment and talk to a therapist, it would probably help to address the issues of your relationship with your father, which I’ll bet anything is a huge part of this problem. You may have grown up (and you are still only in your 20s) but the little boy inside you still remembers and feels that hurt of feeling not good enough. I wish you hatzlacha. Get comfortable here. We are friendly and want to help. 

noselfconfidence wrote on 15 Dec 2022 18:33:

Welcome to GYE! 
Your post is not a weird post at all. 
We are here for you! Remember that Hashem always loves you unconditionally!
I would very strongly suggest that you contact our great mentor who goes by the user name "Hashem Help Me" michelgelner@gmail.com  

You need to realize that you are NOT alone! We are living in extremely challenging times and many people are struggling like you. At the same time many have also recovered and so will you with Hashem's help.
I would like to suggest a few things that can keep you busy, lift your spirits and give you a clearer perspective on these issues.
1- These shiurim are a great source of chizzuk and inspiration theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
2- We suggest that you read this book guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
3- Review the great tools and recovery info in the GYE Handbook guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/gye-handbook

Keep on posting here and you'll be able to learn how to be able to control the bad desires and live a happy healthy file BE"H. 

Ummm I’ve been looking at this forum for a while and I finally got myself to become a member of gye and post I saw Someone said that it's healthy to post so I guess I'll try
I'm in my twenties and I'm married and have kids learn half day work other half have very little self confidants I'm the middle child in a big family all my brothers and brother in laws learn all day and are big t.ch. I always felt my farther hates me even though I know it's not true now that I have my own kids but I always thought that way and I built a deep belief with me that I'm not good and my father is embarrassed of me and the only thing that made me calm and happy was to look at bad pictures in my mothers lady magazines and masturbate but today I want to stop But I just can't I watch the worst and my wife which I'm very close to thank you h for that knows abt it but I tell her it's an Old addiction that I have. She begs me to stop for my kids sake I tell her I want to stop for mine and her sake but I just can't. She tried to get me to go to therapy but I'm to embarrassed to meet someone. She recently told me to check out gye so I'm here I saw that someone wrote that new members should post so here I am. He wrote it will feel good to get it out but I actually feel bad … I hope nobody knows me and u are probably all laughing at me for this weird first post. But I'm trying not to care and I'm really only doing this for my wife anyway she cry’s in bed and I know it’s because of me but just can’t help it so I told her I’ll try gye. Whatever

Human being wrote on 13 Dec 2022 09:19:

I feel you buddy, great commitment, I want to do the same but afraid, it's a bit hard, I will try and figure out something else, and also get the deserving prize of a delicious fresh sushi, thanks!
I bh am doing great, just I know when those times has happened it sucks, like 100% you are not you at that time, and have to break into yourself and tap in the moment to try and ch"s VH"LM in the action of searching and looking.... why do we go there- we can try to think logical and just work around it like your limitaion, I truly hear you, hatzlacha.