Remember the first glance is natural. Lingering or looking back is the problem. Don't take this as an excuse to look, but to make sure you don't think of yourself think your as failure bc you looked once and "might as well" look again.

    We are men and we atracted to women. What we have tp do is acknowledge is that they are other human beings that no matter what they look like or who they are, they still should be respected as a human being, not an object.

    This goes in hand with respecting our wives/future wives by being faithful to them and not objectifying them. If we truly care about them in an emotional way they we can't treat them as an object without feelings. And I don't only mean to not objectifying them but also not to objectify others out of respect for them.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Welcome Moishe'le!

The answer to your question, my friend, is a resounding "No!" You are not doing/did these things because you are "simply a rotten disgusting control freak." I guarantee it.

You may also be a rotten disgusting control freak I don't know you (yet) and can't sign a haskama on your character. But you're not doing these things because you're "bad."

Trust me. We've all been there. Maybe the flavor of ice cream on our cone was different, maybe more intense, maybe less intense. But we've been there. Driven by desires we don't know how to control, feeling like the worst piece of garbage and a uniquely wicked person who can't control themself, etc. etc. 

It's absolutely unsurprising that a bochur who has taivos he can't understand and can't control would be driven to anger towards Judaism. It's either hate yourself for your "aveiros" or hate the religion that makes you feel so guilty. Usually, we end up doing both.

You're normal. There's a way out. And it's closer than you think.

Two points: 1) For most people, first should come the actions then should come the analyses. You may or may not also need therapy. You definitely don't need therapy to start working on this.
2) I get it that you're too ashamed to pick up the phone and make a friend. Oh boy do I relate to that. But. Pick up the phone anyway and call a mentor. Please. Pick up the phone and call HHM and I promise you that you will not regret it. 

Keep on trucking!

Al zeh nemar, KEEP SOARING!
My dear friend, you are an inspiration to us all! Your meyushivdig thought process, your calm and collected way, your dedication to keep growing and shteiging, and of course your achievments! We are lucky to have you here with us. 
Eagle, keep on trucking!

Days clean: 428
Streak: Each Day is a New Day, this one just happens to be the 324th day of having control of myself and respecting others.

    Life has completely changed. The way I view myself, how I view the world, and how I interact with other people. 

    The best parts of breaking free:
- Having a mind that isn't constantly bombarded by fantasies.
- Peace in knowing that I am not a contradiction to myself (i.e. not living 2 half lives)
- Having control of my mind
- Respecting other people (i.e. not objectifying people and of course not objectifying women)
- Self confidence in knowing I am a good person
- Being able to be in the presence or even have a conversation with a woman without fantasizing
- Being able to actually have a connection with another person without holding myself back because I feel like who they see and who I am are actually genuine
- Knowing that I will be able to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my future wife and kids because I wont be trying to hide from them or protect them from myself 
- Being able to feel emotions and learn the skills to deal with them as opposed to numbing them with masturbation
- Having the ability to have healthy discussions on what sex really is with regards to marriage and how Lust kills the deep connection between a husband and wife
- Now when I see a woman I don't see a thing of lust, but I look away and acknowledge the fact that I am a male and am attracted to women, which is a healthy thing and I am in control of how I react to my natural urges.
- The peace of mind of being a clean person
- Being able to acknowledge stress, anxiety, and loneliness 
- Knowledge that porn and masturbation don't solve anything and just add guilt, disappointment, lack of self confidence... to the already overwhelming emotions of life

    Something that happened yesterday was that I saw a woman and my face physically revolted in reaction to something that would have me ridden with lust in the past. This has never happened before. I don't try to justify how society dresses and I know it was a topic of discussion on another thread. Bottom line is that no matter what the reason is, it wont make it any easier for us. We have to adapt and react in the appropriate way and remember most of all, women are people too!!

There are so many things that make breaking free worth it and I don't think I can encapsulate them in a post. Two of the main things I still have to deal with are stress and loneliness and they are being free of lust makes dealing with them a tiny bit easier and a ton less painful. Easier because I am not trying to run from stress and less painful because I know what I am doing now is in preparation of being someone that can have the capacity to not be alone. 

The main things that keep me motivated right now:
- The effort is worth it for my future wife and family due to my integrity as a husband and father to be able to be for them (and to be for myself) and not for lust
- The peace that I have that I didn't have when I would rely on porn and masturbation
- Knowing that porn and masturbation do not help but actually make things worse by building up pushed off emotions and distancing relationships 
- Being an upstanding individual that can interact with women in a healthy way

Ths post is mainly for me to put some things in perspective and also for others to see what its like as they break free. Please provide feedback and maybe add to what Ive posted here.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hang in there! You're dedication to this battle is inspiring. You're in this for the long haul. Yes, there will be times that your wife won't be available to help you out (at least not in the way you need her to), but that's what separates the men from the boys. When the going gets tough, and there doesn't seem to be any light in sight for the foreseeable future, those that remain focused and continue to forge on are the one's that are blazing the path for all of us. As you combat those feelings of blahness, and the desire to just give in and let your guard down, realize that you're discovering new horizons that you're capable of, inner כוחות are being brought out. Keep on trucking, it ain't easy, but you've got what it takes!

Something I remind myself in times of high stress (like right now) is that pornography is not a solution. It just pushes off the emotion and causes us to use more and more to push off the built up emotions over time that haven't been dealt with. This has serious affects on our mental health, especially in times of high stress. 

Another thing is that when we truly break free from this cycle of lust, life is more peaceful overall. Theres a serenity to not have images and fantasies always bombarding us and to feel that we are actually in control of our minds. This makes the fight worth it for the long haul.

Try not to look at how daunting of a challenge this is and how you are "depriving" yourself of instant pleasure. Try to take the challenge One Day At A Time and keep in mind that over time you will start to feel alive with the true pleasure of life lust free. Some days will be harder than others but today is the day that you have control of. Its never easy, but it gets easier and its 100% worthwhile.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

jewizard21 wrote on 26 Feb 2025 03:35:

Firstly let me say that the fact you have the courage to come in here and share your feelings, is an amazing thing. 
On top of that, to put in the work that you have done, fighting a tremendous battle with the ugly forces, is truly something I look up to. 

As far as the loneliness thing, I don't know if this makes you feel better but I was married for over 15 years and I was the loneliest person I had ever met! And that was with kids and a good family, and job etc. 
So marriage doesn't cure loneliness if we aren't doing it right. 
BH it's over now. 
The loneliness. (Not the marriage. 
That's way better than I ever thought possible)

On this site, there are great tzaddikim who will be as friendly as humanly possible. They have walked your path and have truly won the great battles that you are dealing with. 
Have you spoken to them? 
I believe they can help you in ways that you can't imagine! They helped me and am sure they can help you too! 
If you need more info on who to reach out to, PM me and I'll send you a list! 

    I feel exhausted by my ideals. I don't feel like I want to contradict them. The payoff just feels so distant and that's extremely discouraging. I'm doing so much effort with regards to shmiras einayim and shmiras habris but I won't be able to even start shidduchim because I am not in the situation where that is available to me. I am working on securing a parnasa to support my future family but right now its very difficult (remember this is not to say that I want to contradict what I am doing). I just wish that certain things could be a bit different because right now life seems like a ton of effort with little reward.

I also have a little voice in my head saying that if I was married that life would be better. Yes I know 100% in some ways it is with regards to loneliness and connection. But if we are being honest its not all sunshine and rainbows. Im not trying to be a downer, I'll explain. Right now I am really stressed and exhausted. As a single guy that is lonely -- I have friends/family and don't feel lonely in that sense but in the aspect of being truly connected with someone on a deep level that can only be achieved in marriage -- I sometimes think to myself that if I were married that the stress would be easier to deal with. I think that's because it makes the challenge and reward feel more instantaneous. But that seems extremely selfish because I don't want to burden my wife and family with this as well. 

I guess what I am saying is that I wish I had more support in all my life from outside sources. Because having to stand my ground alone against the odds over and over is extremely exahsting. 

Any advice and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hello time2win,

The pain is real. I want to preface this by saying that I am speaking from my own experience and fully understand that it’s not simple. Finding a solution and healing takes time, and no one solution works for everyone.

From what I have experienced and observed on GYE and throughout my recovery journey, people often find themselves in a cycle of pain. This cycle begins when a person faces painful or difficult emotions and numbs them with pornography and masturbation. Since these emotions are never truly addressed, they resurface—stronger and more frequent. This leads the person to rely even more on Lust, often escalating to worse forms of it. Over time, they begin using pornography and masturbation as a substitute for dealing with emotions, which only deepens the hole they’re in. What they believe is helping them cope is actually preventing them from confronting their emotions and breaking free.

Another thing I’ve personally noticed is that pornography, masturbation, and other forms of Lust block a person’s ability to truly connect with others. Yes, we may be great husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, and friends—but we don’t realize how distant we actually are while under the grip of Lust. This is because of the double life we live when we rely on Lust. Beyond the constant intrusive images and fantasies (even when we don’t want them), we always hold part of ourselves back from others. We convince ourselves that if people truly knew what we were struggling with, they would think less of us. This creates an invisible rift in our relationships—one that may seem insignificant but is actually profound. Until you experience connection without that inner voice telling you that you are a terrible or unworthy person because of Lust, you may never realize how much it has been holding you back.

I will make a bold statement and hope you don’t take offense, but I truly believe that no one can have a real connection with themselves, their wife, or their children while using Lust to avoid their emotions. Lust creates a barrier between a person and their relationships. True intimacy is blocked, making it impossible to feel fully satisfied in marriage, for clarification I am referring to the intimacy in marriage and not the sexual connection, but that too is also deeply affected by using pronography and masturbation (sex with lust is the assassin of sex with true intimacy). I believe the connections we build with the people around us are what give us true meaning and purpose in life. You may disagree and say that you give to your family and those around you, but I believe that pornography and masturbation are preventing you from experiencing true fulfilment from giving to those around you.

To truly connect with life—and to truly live—we need to break free from pornography and masturbation. Speaking from experience, as someone who has been free from Lust for over a year, I can say that life is so much more meaningful now that I am no longer trapped in the void of Lust. What I once thought was helping me cope was actually making my life more unmanageable.

I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way. I am not saying that you are wrong for the way you feel, nor am I accusing you of being a bad husband or father. I am simply sharing what I have experienced and what I have learned from reading many stories and having many discussions on GYE. The common denominator is that Lust is one of the biggest obstacles preventing people from true growth and satisfaction in life.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

It's hard to accept on a personal level what we know on an intellectual level. This nisoyon makes us live a double life which is really living two half lives. We don't realize how handicapped we are from the psychological affects of porn and masturbation.
   It's our friend that helped us deal with things in life, we used it to fall asleep, deal with stress, anxiety, boredom, depression, lonliness...
The part we don't see is that it actually is the opposite of a friend that helps. The cycle is that we get an emotion that's hard to deal with so we turn toward porn and masturbation. This semi numbs us for a fleeting moment and appears to fight off the emotion. But what happened to the things causing those emotions? They weren't dealt with, they're still there. So you effectively are just pushing off the emotions which will resurface even stronger once the euphoria of lust runs out. Then we turn towards Lust again but need something stronger to numb ourselves. Then the emotions are again being pushed off and compounding, then we try to erase them with Lust, then the emotions come back... until we're so numb by Lust that we are just numb from Life.

    You may feel that your leaving part of yourself behind, but I say that you're becoming who you actually are. Stepping away from the double half life and entering the single life of yourself. There's an amazing feeling once free of our "friend" Lust.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Yesterday was really stressful. Baruch Hashem today is so much better even though i still have a bunch of stress but Ive dealt with part of it and now on to the next part. Pushing things off makes things worse.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

(I had a wet dream last night that I think was because of all the stress. I know it's subconscious so I am not mentally affected by it, but I just need to note it.)

jewizard21 wrote on 19 Feb 2025 17:46:

TOTALLY AGREE!!!
I wish it would scroll up with everything else! I know I’m on GYE!! 
Glad to know someone else has that same thought!

trying1989 wrote on 19 Feb 2025 15:48:

My thought process for this is that whoever knows about GYE probably knows about this nisoyon or is dealing with it themselves. I use GYE on the subway all the time and even "risk" it when my roomates are around.
Also I find it very liberating to have some noise canceling headphones with music or even just silence and just living for a little. Nowadays we are always distracted or trying to distract ourselves. This won't work for a long flight of course but part of it might be nice to just stare at the ceiling and think about life.

Have a safe flight!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

strugglingwithbetrayal wrote on 18 Feb 2025 17:54:

He didn't know you're in Israel, he said our brothers in Israel plural meaning the war situation here. Don't worry you're absoloutly anonoumys here. (why can't they put spell check on here! you know I'm way to lazy to check how to spell that thingamagee word up there even  though I'm fully content spending more time writting this absoloutely too long of a rant in these parenthasis which honestly I don't know how to spell either- Whatever I give up!)
Anyhow keep up the great work & keep on trucking as some on here like to say!

jewizard21 wrote on 17 Feb 2025 19:50:

You know I don't live at Hogwarts... you can always just aparaite or even take a ride on a Hippogriff if you need to reach me.
You made a good point, and it's way above my paygrade at this point to know if I am a clinical addict or just a behavioral addict, but it is a helpful destinction. Than You