upanddown wrote on 10 Feb 2025 17:49:

I know for myself whenever I am in a similar situation, I always (try) to overprepare, especially on the "keeping myself entertained" side of things. I happen to love reading, so I always bring books with me...
(I don't know if this speaks to you, but there are tons of old, dusty, untouched GYE threads. I find some of them fascinating to read...)

Back home and 72 days clean BH.

It's a miracle.

I'm very grateful to HHM.

Quick update:
81 days clean BH.
Urges have been very strong and frequent, especially during learning... trying to ignore and distract myself but it's hard work.
And although my wife has been doing much better emotionally, her sex-drive has gone and she's not so interested anymore (to do with her meds..).

TYH for every win.


Posting for accountability: 

Challenge #2

Type: Trip abroad
Purpose: Wedding
Duration: 7 days
Accompanied by: Wife and children 
Challenge intensity scale: 7/10
Triggers: Airport. Airplane. Fancy wedding. Pressure/stress. Meeting family members who often make me feel inadequate.  
Current GYE status: 81 days clean BH.
Safety measures: Accountabilty partner. Posting on forums. Distraction.

Humbly,
UpAndDown

Hayom yom 89!
Survived my trip. Wasn't easy. 

Interestingly, the first couple of days after coming back home are the most difficult for me. This happened also after my last trip. HHM wrote me the following: "Many times after a trip full of vigilance, gedarim, and connection with mentors, guys go home and slip. It's the Satan's way of showing us we are always vulnerable." Gotta keep that in mind.

This time it was extra challenging as I did get to see some really beautiful female בריות that Hashem created, Jewish and non Jewish (in real life, in videos on the aiplane and while wasting time on YouTube). I got home very drained and tired with anti-climax etc... My wife is also back to her negativity, is slightly depressed and has not been so available lately. My daily routine isn't so fulfilling, which doesn't help matters either.

So today I had a huge Nisayon, the type I haven't had in a while..
I davened to Hashem... bh I stayed clean but feeling very vulnerable. 

Thanks for listening, 
UpAndDown

Hang in there! You're dedication to this battle is inspiring. You're in this for the long haul. Yes, there will be times that your wife won't be available to help you out (at least not in the way you need her to), but that's what separates the men from the boys. When the going gets tough, and there doesn't seem to be any light in sight for the foreseeable future, those that remain focused and continue to forge on are the one's that are blazing the path for all of us. As you combat those feelings of blahness, and the desire to just give in and let your guard down, realize that you're discovering new horizons that you're capable of, inner כוחות are being brought out. Keep on trucking, it ain't easy, but you've got what it takes!

On the one hand a wedding is challenging. On the other hand I was once again able to witness how average or even not good looking girls and woman were transformed on the day of the wedding into beautiful models out of the catalog... it's all illusion. As shown in this video: gye.vids.io/videos/489bd1b81e19eecdc0/its-all-fake

But what is real beauty? Is it only about יופי פנימי? I don't think so (לא נבראה אשה אלא ליופי). So how does one get to appreciate one's wife's looks if she really isn't skinny or if she has spots and scars? 

I havent quite worked that out yet. Yes, the struggle with this is way less when my שמירת עיניים is going well but I still haven't achieved a level of loving her imperfections...

Perhaps it's about not noticing the imperfections. Rather seeing only the beautiful features and the facial expressions etc. לאהוב אשתו כגופו.. Just like if I'd look in the mirror I'd think I'm good looking even if I happen to have a few spots or any permanent unpopular facial feature..

Any ideas are welcome.

upanddown wrote on 06 Mar 2025 15:17:

Shalom Brother,
There is some good material here and in the links therein. I read through most of them and while I think it's still the tip of an iceberg, if may help point you to the right iceberg to start investigating how deep it takes you. 

https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/is-my-husband-s-struggle-related-to-my-weight-gain?category_id=531

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

When we are able to be totally vulnerable and open with our spouse they are able to see the beauty of the real person we each want to be. They in turn can open up and allow us to see their inner beauty. When the neshama connects on an emotional level the packaging fades into the distance and becomes insignificant.
Alas if we have secrets they create walls and barriers which don’t allow our spouse to connect to the vulnerable person inside us. They never get to know us on a very deep level and we cut off from the depth of their inner beauty. Accordingly that emotional connection of the neshama doesn’t happen and we are left wondering about the unattractive packaging.

Although this is true most of the time, it's only true most of the time. There are times when despite our best efforts in making ourselves vulnerable, they simply don't have the capacity to respond the way we want them to. Additionally, it's sometimes very difficult to make oneself truly vulnerable, especially in these matters. How is someone supposed to tell his wife that he struggles with accepting her imperfections, be they physical blemishes or parts of her personality?

I prefaced with “When we are able….”

I would not suggest someone telling his wife that he is struggling to accept her imperfections.  

In addition we are in agreement that if the other spouse has their own issues blocking their ability to be open and vulnerable it can a very long time (or forever) for them to truly open up.

T'was a nice streak of 95 days.
Now it's 95+1.
And tomorrow will be 95+2.

So I'm posting for accountability as I'm desperate to get my filter removed and watch some P* as well now that I'm down in the dumps anyway. But the אמת is, I'm the same person i was a week ago. Just had a little glitch. Nothing changed. And I think I'll actually get more שכר for being clean today (day 2) then I were to get on day 97.

What went wrong? I think I felt drained because I was fighting to hard. I needed a break from fighting. I allowed myself to indulge in some of the orange circle activities and crossed some boundaries. Yes it's a daily battle with the YH but there is a limit to how much a person can be fighting. It should not be a constant battle. I must try keep myself busy and perhaps be more committed to my learning and that way this battle will hopefully move into the background for most of the day. The morning after I fell I had such a geshmake Seder with my chavrusa, we worked through a difficult Tosfos and got so involved until it came out clear... all the urges where gone! I felt like it was a siman from Shamayim that this is the way forward. This is what I must do for my future journey.

Thanks for reading my dear brothers and TYH for GYE!

Humbly,
UpAndDown