I was reading the NA 12 step workbook on step 2 and this line really stuck out to me as like a "wow that's really true and I never realized it!"

"In Narcotics Anonymous, insanity is often described as the belief that we can take something outside ourselves-drugs, power, sex, food-to fix what’s wrong inside ourselves: our feelings."

I always knew that I use lust as a comforter for uncomfortable feelings, but I never of it as that I using something external to fix something internal. The way I should be fixing the problems inside me, should come from within me. I have to dig down inside myself and my thoughts to fix my problem.

Just a random revelation I guess.

but what about penicillin? or Ritalin?

Difference is that one is for emotional comfort and the other is for physical comfort. One can be worked on without external substances while the other requires it.

Those are medicines. They actually allow us to function better and actually do heal wounds. The better question would have been: what about anti-depressants or the like? Those also do not heal wounds, they just cover up what's actually there. If I use lust as a medicine, it won't heal me or make me feel better afterwards. Its like if someone takes advil after they break their wrist. Maybe for a couple of hours they won't feel so much pain (and I am prety sure wiuth a broken bone they would), but after the pain reliever wears off they will feel alot worse than before because they did things with their wrist and probably caused more damage thinking it was healed. The same applies to lust. While we lust we think that our problems are solved. But afterwards, we are in so much pain and covering up the problem with lust makes the problem even worse than before we lusted (hence the unmanagability).

Yiddle2 wrote on 23 Jul 2010 17:01:


Just like you said, anti depressants are not self destructive, lust is.  It would be ok to fix  your emotional feeling by playing baseball but not if playing baseball only makes things worse.

Loking over some of past actions ther's alot tht I need t look for in God that I think I am finding in lust. I find that I have a need to be subservient to a power that can take me over. Well I need a Higher Power that can be in my life and be my life all day everyday. Something tha has a power over me that I cannot explain and nor do I need to. I have realized that I often look for lust in times of distress. That is certainly when I should be looking for God. "Yaancha Hashem Beyom Tzara", Dovid Hamelech says. I am giving power to things and ideas tha really have no power without me. I give lust the oxygen to breathe. I sustain its life. While God is there weather or not I'm on board with Him. God sustains my life. He is "Mechalkel Chaim Bechesed". 

Maybe more to come...

Hey Guys,

Did someone call me this morning? I got a phone call from my google voice number and the person didnt leave a message...

Did anyone call me?

You are really treading into step 3 here, you naughty boy.

OK, so get into 3 then already! I like this story for 3:

A guy who was a crazy Jets fan missed an important game but his friend taped it for him. By the time he got the tape, he had already heard on the news that his Jets won that game.

That night he set up beer, chips, salsa, closed door, all for watching the game. Halfway through the game his son, a Dolphins fan, came into the room and said, "Dad, are you OK? Every time you watch a game you go crazy yelling at the players, cursing like a sailor, and spilling your beer during touchdowns. Why are you so quiet tonight?"

He answered, "Well, you're right, son. But I already know that my boys will win this game at the end in overtime, so I don't get all emotionally wrapped up in how the plays are going. I men, it's interesting and fun to watch, but I just can't get carried away like I normally do."

When we start to know that G-d will make everything right in the end, and that everything that will ever happen is for our benefit cuz it's His Will, the personal investment we have in things happening the way we plan is much less. And we start to trust Him a bit, then slowly more and more. Especially when we see that he really does keep us sober.

Another thing, this one from driving:

When I am driving and get passed aggressively by some jerk  >, my natural inclination is to catch up to him, overtake him, and cut him off, slowing him down. Or, to at least pass him by. This has led me to a few cat-and-mouse games on the highway in the past...dangerous and obviously stupid, particularly for a grownup (ha!).

So nowadays, I do not do the battle for the highway game any more, but i at least am tempted to catch up to the sucker and show him that his reckless speed can be matched by me!

So what happens when I get to my exit and he is still in the left lane zooming along in competition with me? ....the thought that I will have to slow down and bear right to get off and go to my destination, and the sneer he will send my way ("I beat you, fool! Ha!") is just - plain - torture.  But what do i do? Miss my exit?!

I have been really tempted to, let me tell you. Am I the only sicko here?

Well. This is what the 3rd step is about. I am on a journey. I have a destination. G-d is leading me somewhere all the time. But my jealousies, fears, pride, lusts, etc. - they all get me invested in what's 'just gotta' happen. They blind me to caring about  G-d's Will for me. I stay miserable throw my good sense to the wind and just "chase the bastard".

Sometimes it's subtle (like when we get wrapped up in feeling sorry for ourselves, getting carried away in self-absorbed thinking and we isolate instead of getting involved in taking life by the horns and being a father son, yid, whatever) - and sometimes it is shocking (like screaming at our kid because she violated our will!).

So the 3rd for me is connected to my ability to slow down in the middle of my insane chase with the aggressive driver who passed me a minute ago, and just get off at my exit - really at G-d's exit for me - and live life on hashem's terms rather than mine for at least that minute.

Those moments of painful surrender to Hashem's Will for us grow and grow, and the job is probably never done. But living right gets easier and easier, not harder and harder. We get more invested in G-d, and less invested in our own desires.

Thanks Dov,

It makes things clearer, but I still dont really understand what's asked of me in the third step: “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” Do I view myself as a Korban now?? What's the difference between turning my will and my life over to God?? What does it mean to turn my life over to the care od God??

Gevalt! Nothing is "asked of you" in the 3rd step, at all. It is we who need to do the asking.

Hashem, I obviously haven't the ability to run my life without screwing it up. My lust will overtake some areas, just complicate others, and I just don't have the natural ability to remain honest, useful, and free by my own power. My self-absorption makes full relationships impossible and just complicates everything, eventually. And my addiction looms as a force that will likely derail me into a useless, tortured life with no real peace anyway.

But I cannot believe that this is the future that You have in store for Your kids. I believe You are a "nice Guy"...in fact, the nicest "Guy" of all....so....

As I am one of your kids, all I ask is for you to help me let go of total control over my life. I keep trying to put 'the fix' in, to manipulate the people around me into allowing me to use my drug, to screw-off and waste my life, and to make my first priority - actually my only real priority in life - that they please me. Or at least that they all leave me alone....

I have had enough.

Let's get together and work on this thing called "my life" together from now on, OK?

I'll get out of Your way and You help me see how things are running better Your way than mine, OK?

Ooops, gotta go to the phone call...

Thanks Dov,

Between that and the call today things are getting clearer on what I need to do. Just let God run my life and really believe that He does. The whole time I have been in the drivers seat trying to steer my way through life. Well in reality it was God the whole time and will continue to be. I need to recognize that God runs the show. I need to give my care over to Him and even though its already there, I need to see that it is.

I had a very emotional episode today with some very close relatives. Basically they had an intervention with and said. "You are not opening up and we have no idea what you are thinking ever! You dont like to leave the house and we think you need help." That was it in a nut shell (but of course it took more like 1.5 hours to say it). I denied it but ultimately agreed to see a professional. Of course, I completely agree with them, but for some reason (duh!) I couldnt tell. Maybe I didnt want to feel defenseless against them or just didnt want to feel defeated. My pride was in the way of my health as it is sometimes in the case of lust also. I just needed to vent it out here and hopefully the professional help will aid me along my journey through liofe and recovery. I do feel that not being able to disclose my biggrst issue, lust, to the professional might hold me back, but only God can help me. So God please help me give myself over to You to do what You want.

Ok great day to all!

Been having a rough past 48 hours. Alot of anxiety and all kinds of emotions running through my head. Dont know what to do except call out to my tatte in Shomayim: "God, please help me do Your will. Help me realize that I am but an actor in Your play. Your are my boss. I am your flock and You are my sheppard. Please help me internalize that and really feel it in my heart so that I can do Your will and not think that I can control everything. My feeling of self-control was what got me here in the first and it certainly hasnt worked. But Hashem, You control everything. Please help me understand and truly believe that."

I wonder what life would be like if we knew that the only one in charge of how things finally turn out, is the One who made everything. It can't be that bad...

With tefilos and lots of thinking along those lines, it seems that we are on our way to move in that direction.

Nu. Eez good...verry goood.....

I am beginning to understand the third step more. To get the ball rolling it doesnt mean perfection in turning our will over to God, it takes a willingness to do it. Perfection is something is never asked of me from my program. All I am doing is making a decision in step 3. That being said, step 3 is nothing without the action of actually atleast starting to turn my care and will over to God.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.”

I think this is a very usefull prayer. It tells me what I should be davening for. Only for things that I can benefit God and others. It's also asking God to grant me the difference between what I can change and what I can't. This is something I struggle with alot. I guess all I have to do is pray for God to help differentiate between the two.

hey david I'm sorry the past 48 have been rough. Hashem sure got some funny ways of getting us what we need huh? I hope the next 48 are more serene buddy.