(I already wrote this out, but it got lost
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
so I am summing up what I wrote the first time)
It is funny. I act frum most of the time in terms of not looking at inappropriate things; in fact many times it disgusts me. especially when with friends. i dont think it is just too act frum; i geniunely do not want to look at half naked women on a billboard.
but sometimes, i do take a peek at an inappropriate ad in the paper. sometimes i do sit down with an ipppropriate book. maybe you guys can help explain this...
i think it is because my main challange/problem is LUST. This means that I enjoy the momentary pleasure of mstr****, thinking about girls while doing it. [sorry- dont meant to trigger anyone] When I feel lust,i turn to these same things i find disgusting most of the time {if I would see a FRIEND or someone else reading an inappropriate book, etc. I would be disgusted!}... and I act out using these means.
But I do not know if I have the problem of LOOKING just for the sake of looking. Therefore, when out with friends, and have no lust at all, I have no urge to look at a billbopard. I turn my head away, actually.
Hashem has not challenged me with this particular YH, BH and BAH.
95% of the day I can be davening, learning, etc. It is the 5% that comes at the end of the day or night that grabs ne. Just last night (yes it was tisha b'av) I felt a strong urge that I pushed away once, but not twice. What happened? Didn't I know about the power of the day of tisha b'av? The asnwer is that I did, but I could not translate that into stopping my lust.
So what am I? Am I an oved Hashem with a common urge? Am I someone living a split life? I would like to say that my learning, tefilla, and teaching of Torah to others [I am in a Kollel for the summer] is geniune. That I am not a hypocrite for asking halachik shai'la's the day after I mstr*******.
Yes I guess I do 'serve' the YH some of the time. almost every simgle time that he beckons, actually.
I write this with confusion. I would like to implement a punishment for myself each time I fall. Does anyone have any suggestions for a punishment or a deprivation (that has worked for them)?
Feel free to respond...
I will probably add more to this soon.