how 'bout 130 bottles of maalox plus?

pizza has more nutrients AND you can make a brocha on it...

the maalox wasnt instead of the pizza it was as a result of...

HKBH is really sending me beautiful siyata dishmaya. I really wish that I could tell all the details, but I'd rather not give too much info. Let's just say that I mamash feel his involvement in my life right now. Its so encouraging that it makes the nisyonos easier to overcome. The kuntz is figuring out how to hold onto that feeling even when it isnt so blatant, or more accurately when everything is black and dark.

So here I am away from home, battling on. Last night I went to sleep feeling very vulnerable. In such situations I usually go to sleep wearing my clothes, so that any foul play will be harder. just an added barrier that works, sometimes. Any how last night I decided that since I wasnt feeling so well ( a simple cold) I needed to be comfy in my pj's. But that means DANGER!!!! So I said krias shema (the whole thing) along with Rigzu... with alot of kavana and a special tefillah to HKBH to help me thru the night. BH we made it!
I know I should be happy - thrilled! but here's where Im having a hard time. I know that the YH tries to get us down on ourselves about falls, and the guys on GYE say Fell Shmell. I know that the guys celebrate every success like its climbing MT. Everest. And I appreciate that. But its hard ( maybe its the YH) to get so excited about something that is expected of us, and that we are supposed to be doing. Im sure that my hashkafa is wrong here, but I need help breaking this thought process. I feel like you're supposed to do what youre supposed to do, and obviously there is sachar for that in shamayim. But there is no room for error, if you fall you've fallen. Its all or nothing. Either youre clean or youre not. I know HKBH looks at the process, at the struggle. And Im sure that's the answer. But I keep focusing on the bottom line . and the tension of living with the fear of falling is very draining!

Hey Gesher,
Great to hear you made it through the night. It's inspirational to see Yidden who find different methods to keep on the beat and path, whatever it takes. Thanks for the Chizuk!!

I can offer just 2 pieces of advice. You probably know both already. First - Did you ever listen to Rabbi Reisman's tape on addictions? It's awesome!!! Answers most of your questions. Here's the link. www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3
Rabbi Waxman also says that some Nisyonos are not meant to be passed right away. The Nisayon is to see how we handle the struggle. So each fight, each battle, is a victory, regardless of the results.

The second is - Remember, as the Gemorah says, the battle with the Yetzer Hara is a war, not a battle. There has seldom been a war of major proportions where there have been no casualties. Casualties are part of war. So keep in mind and in your sights the true goal - winning the long term war. Attack each battle as if it is the last and most important. Never back down. But if a set back should come your way Chas Veshalom, rack it up to a casualty of war, and live on to fight the next battle. Hopefully, by keeping this in mind, it will help to minimize the pressure.
Hatzlocha!!

PS - Below is a letter that I wrote many years ago. It is from the Yetzer Hara, and it puts our battle with him into perspective. It might help.

Letter from the YH -
בס"ד

To my star pupil,  -  עמו"ש

I am writing this letter, to let you know what I think of you. Up here in שמים, things are not like they are down on Earth. Over there, people only know what they can see. If they see a person who is “successful”, they think that he is the greatest guy. When they see somebody struggling, they think that he must be one of the weaker element, who is not such a vital part of כלל ישראל.

Let me tell you something. ה' gives every person certain abilities, that nobody knows about down where you live. Some people are capable of tremendous things, while others were put there for much smaller purposes. Only ה', in His infinite wisdom, is able to give every person exactly what he needs, to reach his potential. The problem is, that in your world, people sometimes get so comfortable with their small successes, that they don’t try hard enough to reach the plateau that ה' knows they were created to reach. That’s where I come in. My job is to make sure that they succeed in reaching their true potential.

I am very misunderstood. Most people hate me, and I don’t really blame them. Most people think that my job is to make sure that they fail in all aspects of רוחניות, and that I rejoice every time they sin. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Did you ever watch a boxing coach train his student? It really is a funny sight. The coach will put on gloves, and fight against his student. At first, he won’t hit him so hard, or throw his best punches. But, as the student gets better and better, the coach will start to fight him harder and harder. He does this, so that the student will improve his skills, and become the best boxer he can be. This is where it gets strange. Every time the coach knocks down the student, the student gets yelled at!! But finally, when the coach throws everything that he has at his student, and not only does he withstand the beating, but he knocks the coach down, there is nobody in the world happier than the coach himself!!

This is exactly how I feel. I start off slowly, to see how strongly you are going to fight back. If you fall right away, and don’t even try to fight back, I see that there is not much talent to work with, and so I take it easy on you. But if you get back up swinging, I realize that I may have a real winner here, and so I start to intensify the beating. With every level that you go up, I increase the intensity of the fight. If you finally deal me a blow that gives me a TKO (ask your father if you don’t know what that is), I will get up and embrace you and rejoice with you in your success.

Sometimes, my job is very disappointing. I see a person with a lot of potential, and I start right in on him. He fights back for a while, but when the fight gets too tough, he quits, and just remains on whatever level he was on.(and he usually ends up going down!!) I feel like yelling at him “Get up you fool!! Do you have any idea how much more you could be accomplishing?!!”, but I am not allowed to do so. I just leave him alone, and go try to find another promising candidate.

Please, believe me!! If I have chosen you to be the target of my more fierce battles, it was not for no reason!! You have tremendous ability!! You were born into a very חשוב family, where all of your siblings are עוסקים בתורה ובמצוות, and are really special people!!(especially your brother who I am in the middle of a very serious battle with!! He just threw me a wicked uppercut, and my eye is still swollen from it!! I hope he keeps it up!!) You have Rebeim who really care about you, and parents who would help you in any way they can, and who’s only wish is that you grow in תורה and מצוות. You are a big בעל מדות, and also a big בעל חסד. Your השקפה is very solid, and I consider you a very worthy opponent. (who would have thought they would ever get a compliment from me?!)

I am writing to you now, because I have a very serious request to ask of you. Please, don’t stop fighting!! Don’t give up!! I have been beating too many people lately, and I am losing patience. Believe in yourself, because I would not be involved with you as much as I am, if I didn’t think you could beat me. Know what your strengths are!! A great רב once said “Woe is to he who doesn’t know his weaknesses. But ‘Oy Vavoy’ to he who doesn’t know his strengths - for he will not have anything with which to fight”.

Always remember one thing: You have a secret weapon at your disposal. I shouldn’t really be telling you - but I will anyway. הקב"ה Himself, is watching our “training” sessions very closely. I’m pleased to inform you that he’s rooting for you!!! If things should ever get tough, almost too tough to bear, just call out to Him with a תפילה, and He will immediately come to your aid. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that after your time is up in that world of falsehood, you will come up here to the world of truth, where I will be waiting for you with opens arms, to congratulate you on your victory, and personally escort you to your place next to the כסא הכבוד.
May it be after 120 years - אמן.

Sincerely, and with great admiration, I remain,
Your  יצר הרע

Dear Gesher,

Yashar Koach on your success last night!

You're right that falling is a serious matter.  When someone has fallen, however, focusing on the Chomer Ha'aveira is only going to keep him from getting up again.  Therefore, his avoda is to do whatever it takes to pick himself up, and then he can work on not falling again.

Try to genuinely focus on taking things one day at a time.  That takes a huge burden off your shoulders, because what happens tomorrow is no longer your concern.  Work on staying clean today, or this hour, or this minute.  I truly believe that over 99% of falls are caused by losing focus of the "one day at a time" principle.

Reb Yid, thank you I will listen to the shiur and get back to you.
Kedusha, both you and Reb Yid emphasized a very important point for someone who has already fallen. But for someone trying not to fall, its not what i need. I dont mean to be so harsh, i guess its just the tension. For me one day at a time makes me tense. Maybe Im looking at it the wrong way. But it has me so super focused on not falling that I cant relax. Maybe i shouldnt relax, maybe this is our way of keeping guard, BUT ITS STILL SO HAAAAARD!!!!!!  Maybe this is my nisayon, staying calm and b'simcha while going thru this. I dont know!
Let me address another point that's been bugging me, again maybe Kedusha your point addresses this and Im just beating a dead horse. The level chart is inspiring on the one hand, but depressing on the other. When I see people who have hundreds of days accumulated and now there holding by day 12. Or they've had long streaks and lost it. For me thats very depressing. Im sorry for being "sacreligious"
I just have a hard time with that.

Surely working on staying clean today can't be nearly as stressful as working on staying clean forever.

touche!

Reb Yid, thanks again. Yes I've heard the shiur b4 and it is very inspirational. But you know what goes thru my mind when i hear that the aveira isnt the nisayon or that some nisyonos arent meant to be won? My YH says so you see you can give in and M. You've got a heter from Rav Reisman and Rav Waxman. Hey if you add Reb Yid youve got a beis din! Lets go! What are you waiting for?
So what prevents me? the big picture! I think Im approaching 30 days, how can I blow it now? Now, kedusha is that a good thing or a bad thing? I believe youd agree that its good to see the big picture looking back, but not looking forward. My brain has a hard time with that. I know I know my YH has me all confused!

And another thing that gets me frustrated! Im on a roll, dont stop me! I go to the attitude handbook, and read these chizuk stories from the gemara. That doesnt inspire me! It makes me feel like a failure. This is what is expected of us, like I said in my earlier post today. It doesnt speak to me, or inspire me to be like them. It forces me to face reality that I am not like them, and I am not living up to what is expected of a yid. OK so you'll go back to Rabi Reisman's shiur, that's not expected of you! OK so I can do what I want? NO!!! So what???????
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are expected to fight, not to win? what does that mean, l'maaseh?

By all means, try to win with the help of Hashem.  There is no heter to fall - no one says there is.

However, after the fact, if one has fallen, c"v, they need to temporarily look at things differently for the sake of their long-term survival. 

David/Rage wrote on 11 Mar 2011 16:29:


Kol Hakavod - you can work on staying clean forever!

NO RAGE!!!!!! Dont agree with me! I'm trying to get out of this! Don't welcome me! I mean I appreciate the company, dont get me wrong. Misery loves company. But I dont plan on staying here! Sort of like dorothy in the land of oz! Its nice and all, but Im supposed to be in Kansas! I dont want to be here!
Oh! I know! click my heels....
Wait! I dont have heels!
Seriously I think that everything said is helpful for those who have fallen, like kedusha said not to remain down. But I need a working sollution while Im still up. we need ROCKY!!!! he knew how to keep standing despite all odds. Shucks! Its Shabbos already in tzaddik90 land! C'mon guys help me get out of here, who knows maybe Rage will come out with me