Thanks for the support everyone!
You know what made it a great day?
It wasnt that eveything was perfect, there was the stress, the challenges etc..
But there was hope!
It changes everything. It makes davening easier. I feel life seeping back into my bones!
Im not gonna get carried away after all its just a day. But its a world of a difference from where I was. Thanks to everyone here on this site.

Ready for another day!

Started taking the offensive today. Instead of being satisfied that I'm not falling (which seems to me almost a pessimistic way of looking at it) I started looking into attacking the stress and the general malaise that has taken over me. Its also a viscious cycle. Stress, malaise, depression, down on self, lack of life in Torah and Mitzvos. No specific order there because I'm not even sure which causes which and where it all starts. It doesn't really matter, I just have to break the helplessness and hopefully the stress will have less of a victim etc...
So as Ive said you all give me hope, and slowly the attitude picks up a little, but the stress oy the stress!
We continue the fight... day by day
Good night

gevaldig!
keep on working and remember to talk to the RBSO about this and everything else

Listened to Rabbi Reisman's shiur from the Handbook. Unbelievable! Practically brought me to tears. The situation that introduced me to hotza'as zera, certainly was אונס an older boy showed me how b4 I even hit puberty. Getting out of it afterwards according to the shiur was also beyond my control. OY!!!!! If only I knew this ages ago! OK so I'm guilty of giving up, I've done alot of that. But I've always bounced back and tried again and here we are!
The shiur was such a breath of fresh air. I actually woke up this morning, ready to go to shul. There is hope! More than hope... HaKadosh Baruch still wants me. I always knew that, but now I KNOW it!
I gotta go daven b4 I lose it!

I'm tired! Tired of fighting with my eyes! 
I thought they were on my side!
I have to go into town again tomorrow, I just don't have the strength, to keep guard the whole time. I know that's tomorrow and Hashem will give me the strength for tomorrow. One day at a time!
But Im just wiped out from today's battle.
I must say one of the many nice things of GYE is I dont have to worry about what Im going to see. I can actually relax my eyes.
Hey! We're still kickin'  8)

OK you know HKBH is looking out for you, when you hit the point of frustration with shmiras einayim, and all of a sudden into my inbox comes punct the tip that I needed!
Thank you HKBH for the gift! and the koach to go on!

wow, good for you!

If you are having troule when going into town and your eyes keep looking for things you don't want to look at, take a book of tehillim with you or a siddur, so you can look at somethng holy. If you are driving into town, start singing holy songs. For me when I am confronted with an improper sight that I cannot avoid, I'd start singing in myself holy songs. Or I contemplate on the fact that I'm always standing before HaShem and that nohing is hidden from Him. When I realize that He knows every thought I have (every thought including the bad ones!!!) I feel humbled, ashamed, but also amazed, in awe, because I also know that in spite of these thoughts, He loves me just the same!
He loves you too my friend!!
--Mordechai--

Thank you for the encouragement and advice!
Usually when the stress in my life is too much I find myself sighing and saying quietly to myself "I'm dead."
Well this morning was different I found myself sighing and saying "I'm almost dead." :o
Progress!?!?!
Go get 'em! Hashem I'm following your lead! Ready for another day!

Baruch Hashem, returned from the front....
[glow=red,2,300]VICTORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone for your support.
Have a tremendous Shabbos!

beautiful!
keep on working living and laughing
Good Shabbos

Zemiros, thanks for sticking with me. Its important to know that someone is paying attention, besides HKBH :
Leil shabbos I woke up at 2:35 AM
a very dangerous time not to be able to sleep
I thought to myself, what am I going to write on my log
If I blow it now,
so I got out of bed and did Parsha (2 mikra & 1 Targum)
for an hour, got tired and went back to sleep.
Thanks again
And for anyone who is watching...
you never know how much a word can help

kol hakavod!!!!

stay strong and keep up the fight!!!!

You are doing great!

we look forward to you reaching 90 days and beyond!!!

--Mordechai--

Geshmak!  KUTGW!